Train Don't Run Outta Wichita, Less'n You're A Hog Or A Cattle

Week 1 has come and gone, and I don't know as though we could've picked better failures. Our guys showed up to play, that much is certain, but what happened next was actually more like what you'd see in one of those watersports DVDs they keep behind the curtain at Video Biz. But I've never actually seen one of those, so I'll just assume it has a lot to do with PISSING IN PANTS. To that end, I think we may have to give Joey "Joe" Harrington the nickname of Pee-Pants The Hobo Clown.

First, the standings after week one:

The Cleveland Steamers - 17
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 16
Gary Anderson Made Them All Year But Couldn't Hit A Fucking Chip Shot On My Birthday - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 12

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The Steamers brought the heat this week, so to speak, as they put up great Running Back AND Quarterback numbers. For your reference, you can check the sidebar for the Google Spreadsheet of the stats thus-far. You'll see The Steamers have set the bar for failure that we must all strive for.

Now then, this league - and others like it - was designed to identify and celebrate failure in its purest form. To look at the highest level of sport we have in our great nation and pick out the guys who would be better off bagging produce at Rainbow. To see past the big salaries and contracts, to look directly into the eyes of the Spurgeon Wynn's of the world and say "Wow. Now that guy's good for one thing; a big fat failin'."

And so, every week I aim to identify one player whom we have drafted that closely embodies the spirit of fail so greatly celebrated on this blog. The amount of losers in this league is many, but the total failures are few - and I aim to point them out. The award will be named the Daunte Culpepper Award, appropriately styled after the greatest failure of them all... a guy who took an entire state of tortured fans, put them on his back, and collapsed to the ground screaming in agony from multiple ligament tears. A guy who "got his roll on" after big touchdowns, then "got his ghetto on" when he boarded a boat on Lake Minnetonka during his off-week. A guy who looked like a linebacker playing quarterback, and threw like one too. Daunte, please come back and show this league you can do it again.

With that said, the winner of the inaugural Daunte Culpepper Award is ...... Charlie Frye!!!



On Sunday, the Cleveland Browns hosted the Pittsburgh Steelers in one of those Ohio Valley showdowns that us outsiders never fully comprehend. As an aside, I was in Pittsburgh during the playoffs a few years ago, and when they weren't talking about their upcoming opponent, the fans often derided two teams in particular: the Browns and the Bengals. When asked about the Eagles, it was like they didn't exist. I suppose that's the different conferences. But man, the hatred for the Browns ran particularly high. One gal, who's husband spent 3 days cooking chili for the game, told me that's the sure-fire way to piss a season away, "to lose to those fuckin' Browns". Well alright then!

Anyway, the Browns this season are in for a total world of hurt, and they took absolutely zero steps forward during the first week. The spent the preseason failing to sign their first round draft pick, and then came into this game with a "controversy" already brewing. That word is in quotes the same way you'd say that if you found 20 dollars on the street you'd be "rich" or that you have a big "choice" between Hardee's and White Castle. They started the game with Charlie Frye under center, and this is what he did:

In the first half, he threw 10 passes. 5 were incomplete and dropped safely to the grass, and the 6th one was intercepted.

The four passes he did complete went for a whopping 34 yards.

He was sacked 5 times for a total loss of 31 yards. He also rushed for one yard. That means he contributed a total of 4 yards to his offense in 30 minutes of game play. That means that every 10 minutes of time that ticked off the clock, Charlie was giving you guys just over a yard in offense!!!!

His rating came out to be 10. 10. His rating was 10. That's TEN. X. I don't know if you can have a negative rating, but Charlie sure shot the moon on that one.

He was benched in the second half, as the game spun out of control.

Then, two days later, he was TRADED to resume being a backup in Seattle.

What a week for Charlie! And for that, The Steamers do their namesake proud, and earn one bonus point, not to mention the first Daunte Culpepper Award. Congratulations, and you now have first dibs on Brady Quinn!

See you next week, failures!