The lesson is: Never Try.
Now I don't mean to gloss over what my associate Dickfer said earlier - and what is a "Dickfer" anyway? - but this has been a phenomenal weekend in failing. We need to recap:
Is Lloyd's House "For Sale" Yet?
I just watched "Orwell Rolls In His Grave" a few nights ago, so pardon me if this careens into a rant about mainstream media, but... why is everyone tap-dancing around the issue of total and complete Michigan failure? I get it, yes, App State had a long-legged, left-handed gat-screamer for a QB, and they were playing like a kid in his first game back on the varsity squad after he got 3 games for having a dip of snuff on the bus, but this was a Home Game. And Michigan is only allowed to recruit like the best fuckers from Detroit and all over the world. And they only fit 110 thousand fuck people in that stadium, and where does all that money go? And Lloyd Carr looks like a confused old man on the sidelines, and then talks like one after the game. "A lot of penalties" cost you the game? You don't think it could've been the fact that your team played the entire game like a child who accidentally wandered in to see the new Halloween movie and ended up leaving a puddle under his seat?!?!?! Mike Hart, hey great run, but maybe you guys should practice kicking in practice for a few extra hours, huh? The amount of fail coming off that game was just stupendous.
Santana Is 0-5 Against The Indians This Year
Good creeping shit, the Twins have fallen down the stairs, and it was fate that shoved them. Their failure as a baseball team resonates in such losers as Boof, Punto and Rincon, all of which are failing at unbelievable rates this year. The Indians are playing well, yes, but it's easy to do when you play against a team that isn't allowed to have a coffee-maker in the clubhouse for fear that they'll burn it down.
My Sweet Lord! Harrison Caught Doping!
That could be a headline, if we all tried a little harder. Anyway, Rodney Harrison was caught putting needles in the butt, of course, and there's really not any surprises. The fact that it happened to a Patriot makes me happy, but I like steroids in general, so I don't judge. Mostly, the NFL exists so I can point out failures.
Bobby Bowden - Ummm, How's That Applesauce?
Let's see.... Florida State University is not a real college. They don't have real classes. The don't have one book, or even a classroom. They have a football stadium and a ridiculous workout room. That's it. So maybe you should try a little harder to get that football team up to the level of the elite, huh? Is it enough just to "hang in" in the ACC? Not if you still draw breath. It's just too bad they can't fire him. But make no mistake... it's time for a change.
Tommy Kramer Got Popped For Roids???
Seriously, I have his autograph. I'm not kidding. And this was before he drove up that landscaping at Wendy's. Or was that Millard? Anyway, how about those former Vikings QBs? Let's see... Wrong Way Wade, who sometimes liked to throw it into the teeth of the Bengals defense and watch it come ALL THE WAY BACK, gets popped for roids. Sean Salisbury is the most annoying human on the face of the earth, save that guy who eats apples on the bus. Rich Gannon had his soul taken away and replaced with Bisquick when he was 30 years old, and hasn't smiled since he touched himself for the first time at age 8. Jim McMahon... still working on that follow-up to The Shuffle. Randall Cunningham, Jeff George and Culpepper, there really aren't words to describe those failures. But Brad Johnson has a super bowl ring.
Let's hope this week is as fail-worthy as last.
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