It's Even Got The Hook So You Can Hang Yourself If You Want To

The NFL season just ended with a team having the same record as the Minnesota Vikings taking the best team in the league to the hilt because Kurt Warner can throw the ball better than 90% of QBs. This isn't to say he's good. He can simply execute throws to an open receiver with alarming regularity. Hey Tarvaris! You might want to pay attention! You see how he drops back and throws the ball to a spot and doesn't think about it? Also, see how the ball stays within 6 feet of the receiver? LESSON!

And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.

(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)

Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...

1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...

PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.

Pat.

Williams.

Diet pills.

Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!

2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!

The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.

The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.

And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

Let's get to the breakdown:


Matt Flynn's Backup

They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.

They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:



Yeah.


Smelly Pirate Hookers

The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!

And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!


Get My Goose On

Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:

First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.

And then there was Travis Henry.

The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.

Then, this:

That ain't mine!

"Henry was in federal custody on suspicion of knowingly and intentionally conspiring to distribute and possess with intent to distribute cocaine."

How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?

The case has its roots in Montana, where a trooper and DEA agent stopped a car that was carrying six pounds of marijuana and about three kilograms of cocaine on Sept. 16, the affidavit said.

A passenger in the car, whose name was not disclosed in the affidavit, told authorities Mack and Henry had supplied him with the drugs, which he was supposed to deliver to customers in Billings.

Niiiiiiiiiice.


Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since

Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:



But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.


The Cleveland Steamers

It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:



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All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.

Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!






Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.

First one of the season!

Nate Burleson, he who didn't like to catch the football if it was for a first down, goes down with a torn -CL. Nice work, Matt Flynn's Backup. You're off to a raging start.

Failure Fantasy Football Rosters

Folks, we've got a hot one brewing here. Mr. Bionic Crotch threw almost 20 incompletions tonight, and he wears a knee brace. Game. On.

Note: the team names are the same as last year right now, post in the comments if you'd like to change them.

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Matt Flynn's Backup

Team - St. Louis Rams

Marc Bulger
Ted Ginn Jr.
Ike Hilliard
Carson Palmer
Clinton Portis
Edgerrin James
Justin Fargas
Ron Dayne
Owen Schmitt
Mike Nugent
Olindo Mare
Nate Burleson
Mike Furrey
Donald Driver


Smelly Pirate Hookers

Team - Oakland Raiders

Kyle Orton
Troy Williamson
Matt Jones
Ahman Green
Julius Jones
Brandon Stokely
Dwayne Jarrett
Lamont Jordan
Reggie Bush
Neil Rackers
Shaun Alexander
Donte Stallworth
Sebastian Janikowski
JP Losman


Get My Goose On

Team - Detroit Lions

Tarvaris Jackson
Rudi Johnson
Javon Walker
Travis Henry
Heath Evans
Ricky Williams
Isaac Bruce
Torry Holt
Ronnie Brown
Bobby Wade
Rian Lindell
Jeff Reed
Willis McGahee
Travis Taylor


Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot And We Ain't Seen Shit Since

Team - San Francisco 49ers

Chad Pennington
Rashard Mendenhall
Willie Parker
Derrick Mason
Mark Clayton
Travis Minor
Najeh Davenport
Drew Bennett
Bernard Berrian
Vernand Morency
Eric Moulds
Matt Ryan
David Akers
Martin Grammatica


Cleveland Steamers

Team - Kansas City Chiefs

Brodie Croyle
Michael Bennett
Brad Hoover
Amani Toomer
Wes Welker
Kevin Smith
LenDale White
David Tyree
Chad Ocho Cinco
Tatum Bell
Troy Walters
Joe Flacco
Matt Stover
Rob Birones

Failure NFL Draft

Quick and dirty:

When would be a good time to draft failure NFL teams? Would Sunday night be OK? We would've already seen the first games, but it doesn't matter. We're in this for the long term. Plus we'd have yet to see Action Jackson break his dack-sack. I'm thinking about 7pm. Does that work? Otherwise anytime next week would be good too.

Is The "MCL" Near His Crotch?

Because he broke that last year.

Tell me this guy isn't number 1. Just sit there and try to tell me. He's number 1. Right.

Failure Fantasy Football 2007 - These Are The Times To Remember

And so it ends. The season, like so many of the players in this league, crashing to a slow and awkward stop, walking away hobbled, clutching for a small amount of dignity in this, its final moments, as boos shower down from the upper deck.

It really was one hell of a ride. We've seen locker room fights, restraining orders, driving the wrong way down an alley to avoid police, substance abuse and generally just giving up and quitting. And that's just off the field. Between the lines we saw a zero QB rating, 4 interception games galore (and one 6 INT performance by Tony Romo), running backs with negative yardage, receivers fumbling 2 and 3 times per game, and defenses giving up over 6000 yards for the season.

Before we get to the final results, let's do a few highlights for each team, as we all had something to cheer for at one time or another.

Tony Mandarich's Back Acne

With the very first pick in the draft, Tony shunned all expectations and drafted Tarvaris Jackson of the Minnesota Vikings. This was a very risky move, as any injury or benching could lead to that pick backfiring big time. Of course, the move paid off time and time again, with Tarvaris showing in week 2 against the Detroit Lions just how bad he could be. A 26.4 rating with 4 interceptions was good enough to earn Tony Mandarich 12 points from the QB position alone. Tarvaris' play was inconsistent all year, though, and late in the season he posted ratings over 100 TWICE. But in the end he stumbled to a 70.8 rating with under 2000 yards passing and a sorry 8-8 record to go with it.

Also, late season addition Roscoe Parrish proved to be quite a solid pickup, sporting games where he averaged 1, 3 and -2 yards per catch. His weakness was the long ball though, and in week 16 he caught one pass for 42 yards, submarining Tony's chances that week.

All in all, it was a learning year for Tony Mandarich, and his team selection of the Tennessee Titans (the only team among the failures to actually go to the playoffs) pretty much crippled his season before it began. Note for next year, MIAMI FUCK DOLPHINS.

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame

The motto of the year for THSOF had to be "Hard Work". Week in and week out, they broke down the statistical analysis of failure, searching for the right combination of losers to start. They made transactions when they had to, and always pursued the perfect formula of losing.

Quarterback Rex Grossman paid off immediately. Despite going to the super bowl last year, he was benched in the 3rd week of the season, only returning after the Bears' season had slipped away. In his first three games he never posted a rating above 60, and threw 6 interceptions.

From Rex, they turned to Duante Culpepper, which is not a phrase you want your football team to ever utter. He responded by signing autographs in a mink coat. He gave way to Josh McCown, who went to prom. The team ended the year starting Kyle Orton, which is kind of like ending a night of drinking at White Castle.

The wide receivers also were consistently bad, led by Derrick Mason and Ted Ginn Jr. The entire 4-man squad performed well all season, ensuring THSOF points even in otherwise wasted weeks. Whereas other teams were often killed by receivers making big catches at inopportune times, Mason never seemed to be able to catch a pass longer than 10 yards.

The Cleveland Steamers

They started with a bang, got consistent rushing all year, but faded at the tape, as their team lunged towards the playoffs with inspired performances.

The first week might have been the most productive week of the season for the Steamers, as Quarterback Charlie "French" Frye threw up a rating of ten, then was benched, then was traded. From there, he turned to Damon Huard. Check out that link, and I'll tell you the pattern I see. You see week 10? That 18.9 QB rating? Then you see those " - " marks for the next two weeks? Yeah.... Damon no play anymore. But then... what's this? He's back for week 13! 56.7 rating and 3 turnovers? WEE. OMP. Two more dash marks for you, Mr. Huard. Damon, while never putting up what would be considered "successful" numbers, was nonetheless not as horrible as Frye, and the QB position would be a bone of contention for the Steamers all year long.

Not so for the running game. Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson were absolute dogs this season, each completely submarining their team's ability to win games. Each week, with regularity, one or both of them would average less than 2 yards a carry, and fumbles were plentiful. Without a doubt, it was these two backs who kept the Steamers afloat during the lean quarterback times.

Gary Anderson And Scott Norwood Had A Love Child And Its Name Rhymed With "Railure"

The team from Richfield had little to celebrate this year, but there were performances that stand out amidst the trash.

Namely, Vince Young, a fella that couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, let alone a rushing lineman. He tossed up a 71.1 rating for the year, achieving such mind-boggling lows as 34.5, 36.5 and 38.1. He misfired on damn near 150 passes this year, Throwing 17 interceptions to 9 touchdowns. He also fumbled the ball 10 times. The knock on Vince can be summed up thusly: Small hands, awkward not-for-the-NFL throwing motion, limited mobility, baby arm, poor decision-making. Great choice, Fisher!

Sadly, down the stretch, the Vikings turned on the jets and began winning games at home, which knocked Gary Anderson slowly out of the championship picture. It was a great season, however, and a learning experience for next year.

Smelly Pirate Hookers

Without a doubt, they had the best quarterback play of the season. It seemed like no matter who they turned to, that man would quickly learn to throw the ball into the turf with great gusto.

They started the year with Joey Harrington under center. He did not disappoint. Throwing 8 picks and only 7 touchdowns, sporting a rating consistently under 80, and actually being able to make a large number of passes due to the complete absence of a running game (I think that's Warrick Dunn's new nickname... "Absence of a Running Game").

After benching Joey, they drew the rabbit out of the hat with Fat Byron Leftwich, and he responded by posting a sub-50 rating, 12 failed passes and 3 fumbles. They were embarrassed 31-7 by Tampa Bay, and Leftwich was benched for the rest of the season.

Then came Jason Campbell. A perfectly fine quarterback in his own right, he just threw too many goddamned passes. Hey Joe, you've got Portis! Run more! Campbell threw 417 passes this season, 167 of which were incomplete. Alas, he broke himself and the Skins had to turn to A Collins Not Named Kerry to save their season. Luckily "Save Their Season" meant playing the Vikings late in the year, which equals WIN WIN EVERY TIME OH GOD IT'S A GUARANTEED WIN.

So to shore up their wounded quarterback corps, The Hookers turned to Chris Redman, starting quarterback of the Atlanta Football Falcons.

He, in turn, responded with a Zero quarterback rating.

That was the highlight of the season.

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Again, before we get to the final standings, I want to hand out the First Annual Daunte Culpepper Award for the Failure NFL Player of the Year.

I find it hard to believe that this guy didn't win one failure award all year. He was there time and time again, grabbing the ball and running headlong into a pile at the line of scrimmage. If there was a hole, he'd find a way to fall down before he could hit it.

Ladies and gentlemen...


RUDI JOHNSON!

(he's on the right)

Here's a Bengals team that won 7 games all year... 3 of which happened when Rudi didn't even play. That means that when he played, they went 4-8. He tallied 497 yards this year, despite being their feature back, and averaged 2.9 yards per carry. He had one lone game against the Browns wherein he achieved more than 100 yards rushing. His longest from scrimmage was 22 yards... he only scored 3 touchdowns. He fumbled 3 times. Overall, his performance set the tone for a drastically underperforming Bengals team, and it's because of him that The Cleveland Steamers were able to weather the storm of QB inconsistency this year. Cheers, Rudi. I know you'll go in the first round next year.

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And now, without further delay, the final standings for 2007:

Coming in at 5th place, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne, with 255 points. Stupid Titans! Allow more yards!

4th place goes to Gary Anderson Missed A Kick On My Birthday And All I Got Was This Failed 4-1 Vikings-To-Win-The-Super-Bowl Betting Slip From Binion's. They scored 271 points on the year, but it was their team, the Vikings, that killed them down the stretch.

3rd place goes to The Smelly Pirate Hookers, with 289 points. Their team, the Raiders, lost 6 games at home this year. That's something to hang your hat on.

AND IN A TIE FOR FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame and The Cleveland Steamers, each with 297 failure points!

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I calculated this thing out every which way from Wednesday, and I can't come up with a winner. Each had a spectacular bonus point incident: The Steamers with Leigh Bodden driving in reverse down a one way street and becoming verbally abusive towards police. And Team Hold Spoon, with Najeh Davenport being arrested for domestic violence, endangering children and unlawful restraint. He also one time defecated in a woman's clothes hamper. You see? Too close to call.

I'd really like to declare a winner based on some arbitrary ruling of bonus points, but I just can't do it. In some ways, it seems perfect to end the season in a tie, as though we couldn't pick a winner because we failed so much. Lord knows throughout the season, many of our players would've equated "tie" to "win", and the Dolphins would have sacrificed a child to come away with just a few ties. As it is, I'm going to let it stand, and crown a double champion for our first year of Failure Fantasy Football.

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A note to all players... the champions are responsible for their own collections. So far, The Cleveland Steamers were the only ones to pay their entry fee, which will be returned to them and split with Team Hold Spoon. Everyone else, pay up! Get in touch with me or directly with the winning teams to settle the bill, or just buy them a Mickey's sometime. I'll keep track of who pays what, and we can roll it into some sort of slush fund for future purchases of salsa, if you like.

Your Sister Sees The Future Like Your Mother And Yourself

The stats this week:

Gary Anderson Can Finally Apply For The AARP - 16
The Cleveland Steamers - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 10
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 4

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And this week's winner...


Ted Ginn Junior!

Now we certainly can't hold his team's lack of success against Ted this year, can we? Oh I think we can!

This week against New England, The Second Ginn put up the following numbers: 4 catches for 27 yards (break a tackle, dumbass!) and a fumble. He also returned one punt for 2 yards, and because they were playing the Patriots, got ample opportunities to return kickoffs, but failed to pick up any major yardage - his longest return was 23 yards. He takes home the award this week primarily because of how bad his team is, and how his low average per catch enabled Team Hold Spoon Over Flame to capture 2 of their 4 total points. Hey Orton, start sucking!

Final week of the season, and we're neck and neck! The Titans better blow this one, otherwise Tony Mandarich's Back Acne is going to be hurting. On the other side of the diamond, the Detroilet Lions have somewhere between a zero and zero chance of winning.

I Was Born In This Hotel

It's quick, it's dirty, it's the holidays so you know we've got gravy out back and hog goin' round the spit.

The standings:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 14
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 14
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 13
The Cleveland Steamers - 9
Gary Anderson Made Life Not Fun Anymore - 3

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If you're travelling near Lebanon, Tennessee, you can stop off and visit the prestigious Cumberland University, home of the Fighting Bulldogs. Their motto appears to be "Be Different. Be Competitive. Be Involved."

In 1916 the Cumberland Bulldogs went to Georgia Tech to play a college football game. They were competitive alright, scoring zero points and allowing the Engineers to score 222 points in the most lopsided contest in sports history.

What is the point of all that?

The point is that this week, Chris Redman joined Cumberland in holding what is known as the Perfect Zero.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Chris Redman!

Right off the bat, I'm executing my bonus-giving privileges and awarding The Smelly Pirate Hookers two bonus points for Chris' play. Now, we all would like to see bonus points handed out weekly for such off the field incidents as pooping in someone's hamper, driving drunk from the police, or crashing your Ferrari and then just walking away from it. But those things aren't happening with any regularity this year (screw you Goodell!). But one thing we always reward here is failure. And so, with that understood, I think we can all agree that this week by Chris Redman was without a doubt the highest amount of failure for the season, and perhaps of all time.

Let's take a look at these numbers:

First, he threw 15 passes. He completed 4 of them.

He had a grand total of 34 yards passing. Yes, he played the entire game.

He threw two interceptions. And he lost one fumble. That's three turnovers and 4 passes complete.

His team lost 37-3 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the week after their coach abandoned them to go coach in Arkansas.

But the best statistic, the true holy grail of all failure fantasy sports...

HIS QUARTERBACK RATING WAS ZERO.

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I don't know how we can go on. We've achieved perfection. The geniuses who invented the heavily-diluted QB Rating formula have seen fit to award Chris Redman a big fat ZERO. Does that mean that they would've been better suited just snapping directly to the running back on every play? Almost certainly. At any rate, for his wonderful performance and for making us all believe in this league and its future, I am awarding The Hookers an unprecedented 2 bonus points, and giving this week's Failure Award to Mr. Chris Redman. Enjoy the Arena League, Chris!

I Cold Stepped To You With A Fresh Pack Of Gum

Don't you love this time of year? The NFL season has devolved into teams either preparing for the playoffs, scratching and trying like hell just to MAKE the playoffs, or just plain giving up and watching their quarterbacks hurt themselves. This week alone we've seen 3 starting quarterbacks go down: Trent What's A Dilfer, Sexy Rexy, and Vince "Score On The Wunderlich's Going To Be Even Lower After A Shot To The Head" Young. Luckily for all of us, Vince will play next week.

The stats:

The Cleveland Steamers - 17
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 14
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 14
Gary Anderson Could've Made That With A Sand Wedge - 9
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 7


And we've got a new leader! After 4 weeks of near domination from Gary Anderson, The Cleveland Steamers have put together quite a run to regain the top spot. Nipping at the heels, as always, is Team Hold Spoon Over Flame, who's recent "upgraydde" to Kyle Orton at QB should bring in the kind of stats we celebrate in this league.

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And now for the award presentation. Ladies and gentlemen:



Vince Young!

(I would like to speak directly to Vince, if I may)

Oh Vince, what a performer you've been this season. The team that drafted you, Gary Anderson's Broken Life, has no idea this league even exists, let alone that you are his star player. Every week you come out and put up a sub-50 rating, hurling 2-3 picks and generally making all of us who spend so much time analyzing stats for our own team look stupid. It seems so effortless for you. And why shouldn't it? If you chart out the success of your life, I think you'll see a major spike 2 years ago, and since then a free-fall not unlike someone jumping out of a plane. The Texans were so scared off by your low intelligence that they took a dude from Maryland instead of the QUARTERBACK OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM THAT HAPPENS TO COME FROM TEXAS. And you know what? It was a good choice!

Vince, seriously, don't stop being you. Tony Mandarich's Back Acne hitched their trailer to your failure as well when they drafted the Titans as their team. Don't stop now. Keep driving that bus into the ravine, keep tossing it into the teeth of the defense, keep scrambling for 3 yards, keep getting dominated by hungry linebackers, keep having to be helped off the field. And most importantly, keep that dumb look on your face, that one that says "What the hell is going on here?"

Vince's line for this week: 13 for 21 passing with a 38.1 rating and 2 interceptions. He took a big shot to the head and wiped out half of his brain cells, which only kept him on the bench for a few snaps. He'll be back next week, and we'll all breathe a little easier.

Congratulations, Mr. Young!

Thursday Night, I Think I'm Pregnant Again

This is a great time of year for fans of failure. The college football season has ended, and we've had the chance to see quite a few adult men cry as their dreams were dashed by various bowl committees. Then there's the NBA, clearly swinging into mid-season form around guys like Stephon Marbury and Marko Jaric. And as for the NFL? Their players are getting murdered in their homes.

This weeks stats:

The Cleveland Steamers - 16
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 13
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 11
Gary Anderson Still Haunts Me At Night - 9
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 9

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The big winner of this week's Failure Award:




Damon Huard!

The Cleveland Steamers have had quite a run at QB this year. They started the season with Charlie "French" Frye. He was benched and TRADED following a game when he had a QB rating of 10. Then he turned to JP Losman, who has the word lose RIGHT IN HIS NAME. He responded by destroying the Bills' playoff chances week after week. One game he only played a handful of snaps, yet somehow found time to fumble. But then Loserman went on the DL, and it was up to The Steamers to go find a diamond in the rough, a quarterback who may look average, but that we all know is capable of horrible failure.

That man is Damon Huard.

Let's see: 56.7 rating? That's good for first place. 3 turnovers? Yes sir! Going 19 for 34 while your team loses 24-10 at home to a San Diego team coached by a man who should probably be turning in his application and taking the typing test at his local TempForce office? That's enough to earn you the Daunte Culpepper Failure Award this week! Well done!