It really was one hell of a ride. We've seen locker room fights, restraining orders, driving the wrong way down an alley to avoid police, substance abuse and generally just giving up and quitting. And that's just off the field. Between the lines we saw a zero QB rating, 4 interception games galore (and one 6 INT performance by Tony Romo), running backs with negative yardage, receivers fumbling 2 and 3 times per game, and defenses giving up over 6000 yards for the season.
Before we get to the final results, let's do a few highlights for each team, as we all had something to cheer for at one time or another.
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne
With the very first pick in the draft, Tony shunned all expectations and drafted Tarvaris Jackson of the Minnesota Vikings. This was a very risky move, as any injury or benching could lead to that pick backfiring big time. Of course, the move paid off time and time again, with Tarvaris showing in week 2 against the Detroit Lions just how bad he could be. A 26.4 rating with 4 interceptions was good enough to earn Tony Mandarich 12 points from the QB position alone. Tarvaris' play was inconsistent all year, though, and late in the season he posted ratings over 100 TWICE. But in the end he stumbled to a 70.8 rating with under 2000 yards passing and a sorry 8-8 record to go with it.
Also, late season addition Roscoe Parrish proved to be quite a solid pickup, sporting games where he averaged 1, 3 and -2 yards per catch. His weakness was the long ball though, and in week 16 he caught one pass for 42 yards, submarining Tony's chances that week.
All in all, it was a learning year for Tony Mandarich, and his team selection of the Tennessee Titans (the only team among the failures to actually go to the playoffs) pretty much crippled his season before it began. Note for next year, MIAMI FUCK DOLPHINS.
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame
The motto of the year for THSOF had to be "Hard Work". Week in and week out, they broke down the statistical analysis of failure, searching for the right combination of losers to start. They made transactions when they had to, and always pursued the perfect formula of losing.
Quarterback Rex Grossman paid off immediately. Despite going to the super bowl last year, he was benched in the 3rd week of the season, only returning after the Bears' season had slipped away. In his first three games he never posted a rating above 60, and threw 6 interceptions.
From Rex, they turned to Duante Culpepper, which is not a phrase you want your football team to ever utter. He responded by signing autographs in a mink coat. He gave way to Josh McCown, who went to prom. The team ended the year starting Kyle Orton, which is kind of like ending a night of drinking at White Castle.
The wide receivers also were consistently bad, led by Derrick Mason and Ted Ginn Jr. The entire 4-man squad performed well all season, ensuring THSOF points even in otherwise wasted weeks. Whereas other teams were often killed by receivers making big catches at inopportune times, Mason never seemed to be able to catch a pass longer than 10 yards.
The Cleveland Steamers
They started with a bang, got consistent rushing all year, but faded at the tape, as their team lunged towards the playoffs with inspired performances.
The first week might have been the most productive week of the season for the Steamers, as Quarterback Charlie "French" Frye threw up a rating of ten, then was benched, then was traded. From there, he turned to Damon Huard. Check out that link, and I'll tell you the pattern I see. You see week 10? That 18.9 QB rating? Then you see those " - " marks for the next two weeks? Yeah.... Damon no play anymore. But then... what's this? He's back for week 13! 56.7 rating and 3 turnovers? WEE. OMP. Two more dash marks for you, Mr. Huard. Damon, while never putting up what would be considered "successful" numbers, was nonetheless not as horrible as Frye, and the QB position would be a bone of contention for the Steamers all year long.
Not so for the running game. Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson were absolute dogs this season, each completely submarining their team's ability to win games. Each week, with regularity, one or both of them would average less than 2 yards a carry, and fumbles were plentiful. Without a doubt, it was these two backs who kept the Steamers afloat during the lean quarterback times.
Gary Anderson And Scott Norwood Had A Love Child And Its Name Rhymed With "Railure"
The team from Richfield had little to celebrate this year, but there were performances that stand out amidst the trash.
Namely, Vince Young, a fella that couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, let alone a rushing lineman. He tossed up a 71.1 rating for the year, achieving such mind-boggling lows as 34.5, 36.5 and 38.1. He misfired on damn near 150 passes this year, Throwing 17 interceptions to 9 touchdowns. He also fumbled the ball 10 times. The knock on Vince can be summed up thusly: Small hands, awkward not-for-the-NFL throwing motion, limited mobility, baby arm, poor decision-making. Great choice, Fisher!
Sadly, down the stretch, the Vikings turned on the jets and began winning games at home, which knocked Gary Anderson slowly out of the championship picture. It was a great season, however, and a learning experience for next year.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
Without a doubt, they had the best quarterback play of the season. It seemed like no matter who they turned to, that man would quickly learn to throw the ball into the turf with great gusto.
They started the year with Joey Harrington under center. He did not disappoint. Throwing 8 picks and only 7 touchdowns, sporting a rating consistently under 80, and actually being able to make a large number of passes due to the complete absence of a running game (I think that's Warrick Dunn's new nickname... "Absence of a Running Game").
After benching Joey, they drew the rabbit out of the hat with Fat Byron Leftwich, and he responded by posting a sub-50 rating, 12 failed passes and 3 fumbles. They were embarrassed 31-7 by Tampa Bay, and Leftwich was benched for the rest of the season.
Then came Jason Campbell. A perfectly fine quarterback in his own right, he just threw too many goddamned passes. Hey Joe, you've got Portis! Run more! Campbell threw 417 passes this season, 167 of which were incomplete. Alas, he broke himself and the Skins had to turn to A Collins Not Named Kerry to save their season. Luckily "Save Their Season" meant playing the Vikings late in the year, which equals WIN WIN EVERY TIME OH GOD IT'S A GUARANTEED WIN.
So to shore up their wounded quarterback corps, The Hookers turned to Chris Redman, starting quarterback of the Atlanta Football Falcons.
He, in turn, responded with a Zero quarterback rating.
That was the highlight of the season.
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Again, before we get to the final standings, I want to hand out the First Annual Daunte Culpepper Award for the Failure NFL Player of the Year.
I find it hard to believe that this guy didn't win one failure award all year. He was there time and time again, grabbing the ball and running headlong into a pile at the line of scrimmage. If there was a hole, he'd find a way to fall down before he could hit it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
RUDI JOHNSON!
(he's on the right)
Here's a Bengals team that won 7 games all year... 3 of which happened when Rudi didn't even play. That means that when he played, they went 4-8. He tallied 497 yards this year, despite being their feature back, and averaged 2.9 yards per carry. He had one lone game against the Browns wherein he achieved more than 100 yards rushing. His longest from scrimmage was 22 yards... he only scored 3 touchdowns. He fumbled 3 times. Overall, his performance set the tone for a drastically underperforming Bengals team, and it's because of him that The Cleveland Steamers were able to weather the storm of QB inconsistency this year. Cheers, Rudi. I know you'll go in the first round next year.
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And now, without further delay, the final standings for 2007:
Coming in at 5th place, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne, with 255 points. Stupid Titans! Allow more yards!
4th place goes to Gary Anderson Missed A Kick On My Birthday And All I Got Was This Failed 4-1 Vikings-To-Win-The-Super-Bowl Betting Slip From Binion's. They scored 271 points on the year, but it was their team, the Vikings, that killed them down the stretch.
3rd place goes to The Smelly Pirate Hookers, with 289 points. Their team, the Raiders, lost 6 games at home this year. That's something to hang your hat on.
AND IN A TIE FOR FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame and The Cleveland Steamers, each with 297 failure points!
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I calculated this thing out every which way from Wednesday, and I can't come up with a winner. Each had a spectacular bonus point incident: The Steamers with Leigh Bodden driving in reverse down a one way street and becoming verbally abusive towards police. And Team Hold Spoon, with Najeh Davenport being arrested for domestic violence, endangering children and unlawful restraint. He also one time defecated in a woman's clothes hamper. You see? Too close to call.
I'd really like to declare a winner based on some arbitrary ruling of bonus points, but I just can't do it. In some ways, it seems perfect to end the season in a tie, as though we couldn't pick a winner because we failed so much. Lord knows throughout the season, many of our players would've equated "tie" to "win", and the Dolphins would have sacrificed a child to come away with just a few ties. As it is, I'm going to let it stand, and crown a double champion for our first year of Failure Fantasy Football.
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A note to all players... the champions are responsible for their own collections. So far, The Cleveland Steamers were the only ones to pay their entry fee, which will be returned to them and split with Team Hold Spoon. Everyone else, pay up! Get in touch with me or directly with the winning teams to settle the bill, or just buy them a Mickey's sometime. I'll keep track of who pays what, and we can roll it into some sort of slush fund for future purchases of salsa, if you like.
1 comment:
Well written article.
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