We Like To Ride On Executive Planes

Admittedly, it's been an uneven season here in the land of the White Blanket. Last year greeted us with the news that the Golden Gophers had hired a Real, Live, Actual Coach, one that would coach a basketball team of players who would play basketball, rather than a small weaselly half-man coaching 12 high-on-ether leftovers who weren't recruited by the big powers in the midwest: South Dakota State and Mesabi Junior College (Iron Range UP!). This was good news. We rode that wave into July, when a dumb man (rhymes with Ren Sailor) allowed an even dumber man (rhymes with Jacknuts Fuckhead) to trade the only good thing that has ever existed regarding basketball in the state of Minnesota (Mikan not withstanding).

I was in Boston when this happened, and I've since written more than a few thousand words on the topic, so I don't care to go into it here. Suffice it to say:

1. I would wish McHale death.... if he weren't already a reanimated corpse.
2. Sebastian Telfair is the on-court leader for the Wolves now.
3. Randy Wittman is the kind of guy who tells everyone he is "from" Minneapolis when he in fact was raised in Edina and now lives in Bloomington. That is to say: he is a goddamned loser.

And so we go into this Failure Basketball season with a little more incentive to find the true scumbags, we root a little harder for our own team to fail (note to Eddie Telfair: WISE CHOICE ON YOUR TEAM), we celebrate the awfulness, the dark curtain that has descended on this region. Let's face it, we've always been more comfortable pulling for losers in this state - an entire regiment of purple-clad dipshits can vouch - and so this is just natural.

The season is underway. Let's revel in the degeneration of a sport.

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The stats:

November
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 31
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Pleads No Contest - 17
Whore Island - 17

December
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 25
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 24
Pleads No Contest - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Whore Island - 14


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Now to highlight some of the stats. One of the things that makes this league and others like it great are putting in perspective just how bad some professional athletes are compared to others. For example, in the month of December, Antoine Walker missed 20 shots per 48 minutes. No one else in the league got above 16. That means that Antoine walker, when he is on the floor, misses a shot every two minutes. Not just takes a shot. Misses one.

If you took the starting five for Baskets and Bullets in November and had them play a 48 minute game, they would accumulate THIRTY FOUR fouls. That's almost 7 per player. That's every single member of your team fouling out.

In December, the squad from Baskets and Bullets averaged 57.6 points per 48 minutes. The owners of teams in this league could get together and play a game against these scumbags, and we would likely defeat them. 57 points is below many teams' records for fewest points scored in a game.

And finally, the squad from Pleads No Contest - in our mythical 48 minute game - would miss 64.5 shots per game. To put that in perspective: the Wolves got absolutely torn open in their last game against Dallas, and they only missed 47 shots. Watching that game was like watching someone vomiting for 2 hours... and imagine if they would've missed 20 more shots. Ryan Gomes would've broken his wrist.

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As has been custom in the other leagues, we will be highlighting a unique player each month and presenting an award based on extraordinary failure. As this is the first post of the season (someone likey drinky too much!), there will be two. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present the first two winners of the J.R. Rider Failure Of The Month Award to:




Joel Przybilla and Zaza Pachulia!

First, Joel. Well, it's been a great career for Big Minnesota. Lucky for him he doesn't have to study anymore! Stupid books, where's Ganglehoff? Joel, in case you didn't know, dropped out of college because his coach was fired for encouraging his players to cheat on exams and classwork. When his new coach made him study and learn, he decided he'd had enough! It was off to the NBA!

In the month of November, Joel averaged 4.2 turnovers per 48 minutes, with an astounding 7.7 fouls as well. That's fantastic. He only scored 13.2 points per 48, making him ineffective by nearly every measure of quality you could use in the sport.


And then there is Zaza.

First, there is the matter of his face.





Secondly, in the month of December, Zaza averaged 5.6 turnovers and 7 fouls. This may seem like a high number, but in Tbilisi - where Zaza was born - they allow 8 fouls per game. So he would just have to sit out for a few minutes at the end of every half, then he's good to go. Zaza plays for the Hawks, which makes me and everyone in this league happy. He's a Georgian playing in Georgia! (wince)