I mean, come on. When's the next time I'm going to be in Haiti?

You wonder why some teams can never make it over the hump. You watch these teams make dumb decisions one right after the other, you see a team heading straight for the toilet, and just when they look like they're going to fix it, they jump in with their mouths open, swallowing the sweet urine.

Let's look at some personnel moves this week:

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The Vikings are going to start Tarvaris Jackson this week against the Raiders. here's a list of Tarvaris' qualities:

1. He can't throw the ball.
2. He could run the ball before he tore his crotch. Now he can't do that either.
3. He can't hold on to the ball.
4. He can't read defenses.
5. He can't stay on the field.

Other than that, good choice!

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The Falcons, despite winning the last two games with Joey "Joe" Harrington at QB, are going to start Byron Leftwich on Sunday against Tampa. Now, does Joey like to throw the ball to the other team? Yes. Does he like to pee in his pants when he sees someone running towards him? Yes. But you know what Joey is? In shape. He's not fat. He's not a disgusting overweight man with a history of leg injuries sustained trying to keep his immense weight upright.

Nice choice, Bobby!

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Ricky Williams is back in the NFL.

That should last.

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And finally, the Bears have decided to start Rex Grossman this week against the Seahawks. Rex went to the Super Bowl last year, then was benched after 3 games this season. His backup, Brian Griese, was not a very good quarterback. But he was average. Isn't that really all you need these days? Not in Chicago! They're going for the "potential" of Rex having a few good games. Well, if they asked me my opinion I would say "here's some advice, fire his fuckin ass because a loser is a loser".

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So here we go, into week 11, with all sorts of losers and failures coming back into the fold. If anyone has any open roster spots, now is the time. Broken dreams are free for the taking!

The Wind That Is Blowing Is Blowing Like A Smoke Machine

It's around this time of year that the true failures finally start giving up... their seasons slipping away and their playoff hopes all but dashed - even with 7 games remaining - they end up slouching on the sidelines, joking with teammates instead of watching the game, going half-assed on routes, barely blocking, just wanting the game to be over. Their coaches put on their best mad face, but it's useless. Everybody can see that a season full of failing has taken its toll, and they aren't trying anymore.

But enough about the Vikings.

The totals:

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 20
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 19
Gary Anderson Wouldn't Have Even Had A Chance To Kick One Against The Pack This Weekend Because The Only Time They Got Close Enough Resulted In The Man Named Brooks Throwing The Ball To The Cornerback - 19
The Cleveland Steamers - 18
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 9

Some notes:

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame is NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN. After constant turmoil at the quarterback position all year, he goes and drafts a true loser (more on this later) and has a monster week. Welcome back, Team Hold Spoon.

The Steamers had an uneven week, watching JP Loserman actually perform fairly well, but then cashing in on the reeking fail that is Rudi Johnson and Kevin Jones. Kevin Jones rushed 4 times for -4 yards. That's the kind of stat that keeps this league in business. He even got a fumble from a wide receiver who is named Shaun McDonald, and that's not even his stage name. All in all, a good week.

Terrible week for the Smelly Pirate Hookers, led by none other than Amazing Joey Harrington. Joey had the best rating, fewest turnovers (ZERO) and least failed passes. That adds up to zero fail points for the Hookers. It was only due to a pathetic showing from LenDale White that they had any points at all. I suppose that's why Joey is still in the league... prick teases like this week. Fortunately, if history is any indication, we're ready to see a rating around the 20s next week.

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I don't know how the Oakland Raiders could fuck this season up more. What do they do well? They have no running game, no defense, their fan base is just pathetic, and I think their owner is medically deceased. They're really bad, but on top of that, they're boring. They had the number one draft pick and they couldn't sign him, so he missed training camp. As such, he's STILL not ready to play (and judging by his Wunderlich scores, he's not going to be for awhile). Let's think about that for a minute: they needed a quarterback so badly that they drafted him number one, and then let him hold out for an entire training camp. This is the ROOKIE QUARTERBACK that they want to start THIS YEAR, and he missed training camp. So they go out and get Duante Culpepper, which is like saying "I'm going to hold off on drinking that Guinness, I would like to instead drink this warm urine". It takes a few weeks to realize that Duante is the reason that leagues like this exist, and so they start Josh "Don't Call Me Cade" McCown. Who is this Josh McCown? Well....


He's this week's Duante Culpepper Failure Award Winner!



He's also Jacksonville High School "Mr. JHS" for 1998!

(note: that skank next to him is "Miss JHS" for 1998... although I'm willing to bet her name is now Ms. Something-Hyphen-Something and that she tried college for a semester and ended up pregnant and working at Applebee's by the truck stop)

2 things:

First, I would like you to look at Josh McCown's face.

Second, I would like to tell you a story about him. Yesterday, he and his Raiders went to Chicago to play the Bears. Josh was allowed to throw the ball 27 times. Good for you! 13 of them ended up in the grass instead of the hands of receivers. Bad for you! He had 108 yards passing, good for 4 yards per attempt. His longest pass was 14 yards. He was sacked 4 times for 28 yards. Hey! Try running! His team scored a miserable 6 points and was defeated. The game was the Raiders 5th loss in a row.

When you google Josh McCown's name, the first news article is titled "Russell's Time Appears Near". When the first thing you see is an article about a guy taking over your job, you know you're doing well.

Fantastic show Josh! Now, to Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - the proud owner of Mr. JHS, it appears as though they are finally going to start their good quarterback next week, so you have the choice of taking Russell, or holding on to Josh. Either way, you're ending up with a loser.

Congrats! Have fun at prom, Josh!