Perfect Storm

As a Vikings fan, I will do my best to sort out my thoughts. Background:

The 2011-12 (yes, this season does extend into the new year) Vikings team is a team where the "window has closed". They/We really didn't get over the Saints loss and now the team is really old.

There is a stadium issue in that one needs to be built soon. A team with promising players would help. We would bitch and moan about it now and then talk about how great foresight the ownership/leadership had when we got back to our 9-7, 10-6 regular season standard.

BEFORE THE VIKINGS GAME AGAINST THE REDSKINS ON 12/24/2011: We had/have some good young players in Harvin, Peterson, Rudolph, and I will even throw Ponder into that mix. At best, I thought he would be as good as Kramer. At best. He is, however, a QB that isn't complete trash, so we hopefully don't have to worry about that position for ages.

As of yesterday morning, 12/24/2011, the Vikings were in the hunt for the #1 overall pick in the 2012 draft. Since we had Ponder, if we got that pick, we could have easily held that out for king's ransom and gotten bids from 3 or 4 teams. If you don't believe me, see what the Rams get for the #1 overall, if they get it. Search the internet now and see what the consensus payout is for that pick. Say what you want about the Vikings Brain Trust, I don't even think they could have fucked this one up. If we didn't get #1, we probably would have gotten some Khalil guy from USC who would have helped to make sure Ponder didn't get snapped in half from the blind side. It looks like we will now draft #3 and who knows what will happen.


AFTER THE VIKINGS GAME AGAINST THE REDSKINS ON 12/24/2011: Ponder is concussed. He is now a future drooler. Not his fault since the O-Line can't block worth shit. Peterson tore his ACL. He won't be same. Before, I had the new stadium being built at 100% easy, now, 50% at best. The rebuilding will take a solid 5-10 years and they might not even be playing here to enjoy the good years. If we had a better pick than #3 this year . . . rebuilding might be quicker.

Hopefully the Minnesota Vikings major rival isn't apathy going forward. That is a tough rival to beat, but an easy one to move away from.

Oh, then I wake up to this headline from my "favorite" sportswriter:

Sid Hartman: Vikings needed to win this game

Well, Merry God Damn Christmas everyone. This is Tebow's birthday or something.

Christ. Fuck.

Finally, a McCown is back at QB

As you may have seen, Josh McCown has been tabbed as this week's starting QB against the Packers.  And I'm sure there are lots of things to say about that such as "GRAB 20 DOLLARS OUT OF MY BILLFOLD AND PUT IT ON THE PACK, I'LL BE DOWN AFTER I BRUSH MY TEETH."

But that's not important to me.  Have you ever thought about the things you do in your life, and wonder if you could possibly look at your life from an outside perspective, exactly what would that life look like?

I'll tell you what it looks like:

I love the internet because you can't hide what you truly are when you are surfing around.  I wish there was an app that just read back every website you visited that day on your way home from work.  Like GPS in your car, but instead of reading directions, the voice just rehashes things you saw.  "Deadspin, Packers press conference, The Hot Glove, Article about how to make two pies at once, How to cure bacon, stomach stapling surgery", etc.

Well, when I logged onto Wikipedia to check out Mr. McCown's illustrious career, I came face to face with my own internet Moment of Clarity.  Look at those visited links.  First, NFL Draft 2002, I mean hey, that's ok.  I wanted to see who the Pack took... AIIIIII those were the Sherman years, weren't they?  Javon Walker... and CRAP.  Anyway, you might expect me to, at one point, at least have clicked on one of those NFL teams to get more information.  Weren't the Bears formerly called the Cardinals or whatever?  What about the Raiders changing cities and Al Davis and all that?  Nope.  Not interested.

But the Hartford Colonials?  Yep, I been there.

It's kind of a realization of life's priorities.  When you see a list of links and the only one you've clicked on is UFL team.  Really puts it in perspective.

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PS, shouldn't even need to point out this paragraph, it's too obvious.

What would you know about it?

IF THE PACKERS LOCK UP THE NUMBER ONE SEED I WILL STILL ENJOY EATING HAM-STEAK.

HAY FANS, 'MEMBER TO WEAR YOUR MOSS JERSEY

I don't get this.

It's a splash page on Vikings.com.  It seems as though it's simply reminding fans to wear purple on Friday, today.  Which is fine... but what's the point?  Do you win something?  Is there some contest on this website where if they see you wearing your Keith Millard jersey at the Applebee's they give you a 20 dollar gift card to the Chicago Dog stand on Concourse B?

This stadium thing has really devolved into comedy.  They are running the "Show Your Horns" ads, trying so desperately to drum up interest in this utterly irrelevant team, all while pushing for support for a new stadium.  My favorite line in the campaign is "We're not fair-weather... we're cold weather."  Yeah, it's absolutely freezing in that dome.

So the team is really pushing for people to get excited... but on the field they are as boring as they have been since I've been alive.  Despite the fact that they play in a dome, they are a running team.  Their defense intercepts passes about as well as Dave Bliznewski and myself could do if given the chance.  They haven't won a division game in.... oh god.  Week 3, 2010?  That can't be right.

But show your horns, fans.  Get out there and sing that "skol" song.  Pretend that those Wade Wilson days meant something.  Wear your purple all over the town, even if everyone laughs at you.  Because with enough support from Dean from Woodbury, Ziggy might just be able to build a new stadium on a munitions dump.

Skol.

Vikes are in control, so you better hold on

This one's going to need some breaking down:

Now, I could very easily just post every single one of these videos and let it stand as the #1 indicator of a fan culture gone completely off the rails, but that would likely end in this blog being shut down due to awfulness.  So instead, let's get into the highlights here:

First of all, the opening sound effect... I understand that is supposed to be the Viking horn that sounds in Mall Of America Hubert H. Bud Grant Field every time the Vikings do something positive (which sometimes means "Jim Kleinsasser falling down after catching a pass instead of fumbling"), but it is not.  This is a cheap ringtone version of that sound.  So right off the bat, we've got production value THROUGH THE ROOF.

OH MY GOD YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

0:29 - I'm sorry, what the hell is happening here?  It sure looks like Jim Gaffigan there is wearing an EJ Henderson jersey while Monster Truxx behind him tosses a football to and fro whilst pulling a Gas Face.  Is that correct?

0:33 - "This game will not be close"  LAS VEGAS AGREES WITH YOU, BABY-HEAD.

0:35 - Nothing says "relevant" like the Randy Moss jersey.  Why'd you keep the Leo Lewis in the closet?  Bust that sucker out!

0:50 - Nice of you to get the librarian in on the action.  Good form.

0:56 - Wearing the Cris Carter jersey while crumpling up a photograph of the Packers?  Is this 1995?  Why not show someone deleting a message left on their answering machine while rocking the Wade Wilson?

1:06 - Unfinished basements ROCK

1:37 - OH MAN WE FINALLY GOT BACK TO DON MAJIKOWSKI HIGHLIGHTS

1:51 - UMMMMMMMMMM...

2:16 - Honest to god, are you showing a Herschel Walker highlight?  Am I in a bizarro universe?  If I was a fan of the purple, I would dedicate my entire life to forgetting every single thing about that man and his time on my team.  Just a lifetime of "Who? I'm sorry, I don't remember him..."  Instead, here's some of his best plays!  Rich history!  No heaters on the sidelines and Jim Marshall!

2:49 - Oh dear.

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All in all, I counted two jerseys in the entire video that were of current players:  EJ Henderson and a Purple Jesus cameo at the very end.  Even the Packer jersey they were using to wipe the television?  HE'S DEAD NOW, PEOPLE.  This video represents so much to me.  "DURR WASN'T IT AWESOME WHEN DUANTE AND RANDY DURR'D???"

If I saw a single person wearing an Alan Page jersey, I would shake that person's hand.  If I saw someone bust out Ahmad Rashad?  INSTANT WINNER.  But people don't seem to remember Randy Moss.  Nobody is being honest.  I was here when he was here, and people HATED him.  Everything he did was greeted in the media with open mocking.  That "straight cash homey" bit?  That was replayed and mocked endlessly.  They couldn't wait to run him out of town because he "didn't have the work ethic" and "wasted his talent".  And how many fucking jerseys do you see of him around town now?  THOUSANDS.

Vikings fans subscribe to such a screwed up version of historical thought.  "WE SUCK, FIRE EVERYONE"  (ten years later)  "REMEMBER WHEN MOSS WAS THE BEST???"  I suppose it's not their fault... they don't have any actual success to celebrate, so they latch on to what, for most every other team, would be minor achievements.  Then they attach undying praise on these achievements and treat them as part of "Vikings Lore".

It's all very sad.

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Oh, and there's simply no way I could go without posting this:


You're welcome.

Might want to think about reloading those brain cells

If I may borrow a line from Smoke Fire:

"You can't release him."
"I'm not REleasing him.  I'm UNLEASHING him."

Note the language, dear readers.  "honestly we are 1 to 2 players away from Elite Caliber Status".

God, if Gary hadn't a missed that kick, I tell ya...

Shades of Gray

"I feel like if we do what we're supposed to do, have less turnovers and have some fun, anything's possible."
-Gopher QB MarQueis Gray, before the Nebraska game.

Final Score:
Nebraska 41
Minnesota 14

Article written after the game:
Headline: After Nebraska, optimism is a survivor at U
Sub headline: Despite newly infected bruises courtesy of Nebraska and a 1-6 start, these Gophers, says Coach Jerry Kill, still could win a game in the Big Ten.

"Eliminate the negative plays and we should move the ball on any team."
-Gopher QB MarQueis Gray, after the Nebraska game.

Dirty Old Town

OH HELL YES.

Folks, it's back.  That feeling that was whisked away when ol' Number 4 threw to the WRONG TEAM in New Orleans.  That unbridled optimism.  That disconnection with reality.  That old wind, she blows again.

Vikes fans in the early days had their guard up all the time.  Those 4 Big Dance losses in 11 years kept them permanently expecting the worst (and delivering!).  But then came a prolonged period of sucking, to which they responded by letting the guard down a little.  It came down more and more each year, as they started building a few pieces in the 90s.  By the time they came out with that fucking "Miami" parody in 98, the guard was all the way down.  Hands at the sides, like Roy Jones, taunting.  Gary lines up for that kick and they are already raising their hands in triumph.

Then they were somehow simultaneously punched in both the mouth and crotch.

The guard stayed up for awhile thereafter.... it remained all the way through 2001 (41-0) and most of the 2000s.  Even when dick-texter came over, they still kept the guard up.  But AP had been helping them lower it a little bit at a time.  He would peel off 200 yard games and the hands would drop just a tad.  D'Ter would throw to Greg Lewis in the back of the end zone... a little more.  They would rout the overrated Cowboys and D'Ter would slap an defensive lineman's ass... almost all the way down.

Then they would go to New Orleans FULLY EXPECTING A WIN.



The punch landed so square that the fans literally did not know what to do.  Nobody had any idea how to react.  The radio man screamed like a buffoon.  The coach was on the chopping block.  The fans constantly alternated between hating him and trying to get excited for the next season.  But make no mistake about it... the guard was back up.  All the way up.

Since Tracy Porter picked D'Ter off to end any hope of actual success, it's been quite a comedy of errors for the purple.  Brett took pictures of his scroto-sack and sent it to a woman who was not his wife.  They traded for Randy Moss, then cut him.  D'Ter was toss'd to the ground head first, and not even a member of his team would help him up.  He was hit in the face on a pass, leading to an interception, which led to his replacement by Tar-Var, who somehow had the game of his life.  The coach had to sit and listen to his home stadium chanting "FIRE CHILDRESS" louder than they had cheered all season long.  More recently, everyone has stopped trying, they are being outcoached by Todd Haley and Lovie Smith, and the cornerback choked a woman and spent the weekend in jail.  Needless to say, things aren't going well.

When they traded for Donovan McFatts, I would have to say that was when the guard had reached its apex.  Nothing could hit them now.  They had a fat, baby-armed QB who had failed twice in the previous two seasons.  He literally gets tired at the end of the games and can't throw a spiral.  Everyone knew it was a stupid decision, even the homeriest of homers.

But then, someone flashed that smile...

And folks, here we are.  The guard is not down, oh no.  But it has started its cycle back towards the floor.  It starts with a "moral victory".  Next up (but not anytime soon) there will be an actual victory.  Then he might complete a last-second pass.  Then could come a winning streak.  And then, as only the NFL can do, they will run a freak streak of luck and good bounces into the playoffs, where Anything Can Happen.

By that time, the guard will be fully down again.  Nobody will remember 98, or 09, or 87, or Super Bowls 4, 8, 9 or 11.  And just as they peak over the edge of the cliff to see what might be waiting for them...

WRONG.  TEAM.

Ah, this dirty old town.  You've got to love it.

Is he open?

This isn't going to go well

Al, you sand-bagging son of a bitch, you taught Hue well...

Hey Carson, how many footballs have you thrown in the last 6 months?

"It's hard to say...  Not many....  None."

He was "retired" for the season, yet he is telling people he can get up to "game shape" quickly, and that he's been working out.  Really?

Just look at this clown show.  You've got Hue up front being all fake-bad-ass, giving snide answers to reporters and pretending that he's in charge, and you've got Carson, who literally is sitting there thinking "Oh FUCK, it's the Raiders."

The absolute highlight is when they asked Hue how it worked that he traded for Palmer even after the Bengals had refused to trade him all season.  Here is the transcript:

"Hue, up to this point, Mike Brown, it seemed like he was set, he wasn't going to trade Carson Palmer and yet, you give him a call, and now Carson is here.  How did that happen?  Did that have anything to do with your relationship with him?"

"Probably so.  I have so much respect for Mike.  Having worked there with him, been in drafts with him, coached some of his best players.  I think he has a respect for this organization and Coach Davis.  I think the respect is mutual.  He said so.  He said 'Hue, I like you.  I want to see you do well.  And I want to see Carson do well.  And I want us to do well, being the Bengals.'  At the end of the day, I think it worked out for everybody."

I WILL TAKE ONE OF MY LIMBS OFF IF THE OWNER OF THE BENGALS TOLD THE COACH OF THE RAIDERS THAT HE WANTS CARSON PALMER TO "DO WELL".

No, Hue.  That's not what happened at all.  You are a huge liar.  You are lying about what happened.  What actually happened is that the Bengals (who could fuck up a cup of Maxwell House Instant), were sitting there waiting for another team - like the Raiders (who could fuck up a glass of ice water with ice) - to give them a call and offer them WAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY too many draft picks for a player that they didn't need anyway.  Mike Brown didn't move Palmer to Oakland because he respects Al Davis.  He moved him because you idiots gave him way more than he was worth.

End.

Oh, these are getting sad now...

This can't be fun anymore...

"The purple and gold horse has not done much to become engaged in the race..."

How many more horse racing analogies are we going to see before we finally hit pay-dirt with "and it's off to the glue factory"?  Like one more game?

At this point, it might be time to can the fun little horse-race theme.  The whole thing seems much more St. Croix Meadows than anything else...

Is it possible to run out of breath while speaking?

Oh MAN, is this guy gassed. What is that around his neck? An oxygen tank? A camera? Butte College football reporter... that looks good on a resume.

So simple, it's stupid

Let me see if I follow here:

This team is close to a Super Bowl.  "Closer than some think".  As long as the QB plays like Sanchez, they get a starting Left Tackle (which are growing on trees!), a deep-threat wide receiver (like Julio Jones or AJ Green, there are so many of them out there!), a starting safety, and one (2) starting cornerbacks.  It's a snap!

The winner though is the follow-up comment:  just draft a tackle in the first round, then a WR, then get a free agent guard.  Because every draft pick ever goes on to start and play 16 games as a rookie.  Every one!

When you are putting together your list for "things we need in order to get to a Super Bowl", and your argument is "it's really not that many things we need!", then I would say by the time you mention a FIFTH position that needs a significant upgrade, it might be time to just close the text document you've been working on and take a long walk.  Because by this rationale, Miami is right on the doorstep too.  If they just upgrade QB, O-line, WR and RB, they're in there, baby!

Oh, and...

Switcheroo

OK Vikings fans, let's talk hypothetical.  I'm going to give you a choice of two quarterbacks - stats only.  Which would you pick?  (These stats are through the first 4 games of the season)

Quarterback A:
74/131 (56%), 861 Yards, 5 TDs, 7 INT's

Quarterback B:
65/111 (59%), 680 Yards, 4TDs, 2 INT's

Now, by stats alone, who would you take?

Looks like Quarterback B makes fewer mistakes.  He doesn't throw for as many yards, but doesn't throw as often.  Probably the better choice, right?

Quarterback B is Donovan McNabb's stats through the first 4 games.  Coach Frazier is taking to the airwaves, consoling the Zubaz's by sticking by his QB and saying things will turn around.  As a matter of disclosure, McNabb was QB for my team most of last year.  My experiences were my advice to Viking fans this year: he won't win OR lose a game for you.  He's just there...don't let him throw deep...and he has no mobility.  Dink and dunk and run the ball, that's what you should do.

The Vikings have a Heisman runner-up on the team that seems to get 2 carries a game.  Wise move.  Whatever strengths McNabb still has (and it's not much) Frazier (sounds like Brazier...who's up for a Dilly Bar?) ignores.  Imagine - two headed monster of Peterson and Gerhart always in the backfield...carries could go either way.  Now, if they do that, you KNOW who's getting the ball.

Enough of that - let's suppose for whatever insane reason you chose Quarterback A.  You know the keeper of those stats?  That's BRETT FAVRE and his first 4 games last year.  Team went 1-3...and wasn't any better than this year.  Think back - were people calling for the Ol Gunslinger's head?!  Were there demands for Joe Webb to supplant the texter?

No, and no...which is yet another reason why the Vikings and their fans are so entertaining.  Maybe this is a waste of time...consider "Access Vikings" recent take:

"Again, it's not a slam against McNabb to suggest it's time for Ponder to start. At this point, there just doesn't seem to be any point in going forward with a quarterback who isn't going to be here next season."


Giving up already/Why did you sign him/Having trouble with this whole "draft" thing, errrrrrr?

With friends like these...

Hard to believe they're having trouble coming up with the support for this stadium.

Maybe someone like Diggz can convince the Ramsey County Commissioner to raise taxes...

Sid Hartman needs to retire

There, I said it.

Reason: the kind of shit like you'll read below has gone on his entire career.  I know he doesn't remember what he wrote yesterday, but since the Hometown Rag doesn't spot check these things, I'll have to do the honors.

September 4th, 2011, following a loss at then-ranked USC

"Well, all of those experts who selected the Gophers to go 0-8 during the conference season and 3-9 for the season will have to make another guess."

"[T]he new Gophers coach found out he had a team that could come back in the second half and play as well as they did in one of the toughest stadiums in the country for opponents to play in."

"Kill and his coaching staff should be praised for the great job they did in adjusting their defense at halftime."

"Now they return home for three games and a chance to get a lot better and surprise some of their conference foes."

September 25, 2011, following a loss at home to NORTH DAKOTA STATE


"Yes, this Gophers football team gave people some false hope when it outplayed one of the more ordinary Southern California teams in several years."

HOLD ON!  I thought this was a top notch team they played, in one of the "toughest environments" in college football!  You used the term "Hollywood" and that it shook up the Gophers in the first half...this can't be.  It's just a good thing YOU weren't given false hope, Sid, because you've seen it all.  You're not "some people."

"More false hope came last week when the Gophers beat a Miami (Ohio) team that is 0-3 and struggling after being favored for the Mid-American Conference title."

Hey, folks in Minnesota.  Did ANYONE think all was well after being taken to the dick by Miami of Ohio and winning on the last play of the game?


"This team wasn't going to show any consistency with the few good football players recruited by former coach Tim Brewster who are now seniors."

But you just LOVE the rah-rah guys!  Just like Lou!  We'll never be able to tell you exactly WHY he got fired, because messy facts get in the way, Sid.  If Coach Kill can't win with these good Brewster players - what now?

Glen Mason coached this team to some success.  His thoughts were included in your column.

"He and his staff have their own system. Let's face it, I think ... the great recruits that were coming to Minnesota [under Brewster] probably weren't as good as advertised."

Sid neglected to add that Mason followed up this sentence with "Hey, at least I BEAT NDSU...but I make more cash now.  Good luck, Sid.  Sure, I can open that bag of peanuts for you."

A metaphor for the entire coming Vikings season

"We thought it would be a good idea to run the wildcat with a QB who can't keep the pee out of his pants, and also I'm not sure what you mean by 'turn the 9/11 ribbon the right way'."

Excuse me, Mr. Reusse . . .

Let me put out a few disclaimers:
A. I realize Jerry Kill hasn't won a game, yet.
B. I realize I could be getting ahead of myself.
C. Maturi is a combo between lucky and awful.

That being said, let's see what someone wrote on 12/05/2010.

"There are several questions to be asked of the M&M boys, Joel Maturi and Dave Mona, but here's the one that most intrigues a beat-up old sportswriter:

If you were going to the Mid-American Conference to find a new football coach for the Gophers, why didn't you hire the guy who won the MAC title game on Friday night, rather than the loser?

Miami (Ohio) was a 17 1/2-point underdog to Northern Illinois in Ford Field. Final: Miami 26, NIU 21.

And what did our traveling tandem do after that result came in? They hired Jerry Kill, 49, the coach who lost as a large favorite, rather than Mike Haywood, 46, a coach responsible for a rapid turnaround of downtrodden Miami."

Cool, Pat. Mike Haywood you say. Let's take a look at Mike Haywood a month after Reusse's post:

Haywood was arrested about 3 p.m. Friday after a custody issue developed with a woman with whom Haywood has a child, police said. The unidentified woman told police that Haywood grabbed her by the arm and neck and pushed her as she tried to leave the home that Haywood owns in South Bend, Ind., where he once was a Notre Dame assistant.

Your thoughts, Pat?

You can't hide the "gold"

Roughly a year ago, I posted found footage of Nebraska's 80+ life adjustment to the beloved Gophers.  That video has since been "removed by user."

Well, huskersrecap.com was kind enough to re-post the footage.  With the Maroon and Gold due to play them again at home this fall...here's a refresher.



Why do I guess that Sid wrote something like "Gopher reserves show promise at end"

In other news, Peyton Manning is also not coming to Minnesota

Oh my god, Viking fans, you never cease to amaze.

Let's do a couple of facts here:

According to most sources, the Vikings are dangerously close to the salary cap, stunting their ability to sign even an replacement player for this upcoming season.

Larry Fitzgerald is not a replacement player.

The Arizona Cardinals have approximately 14 million dollars in cap room.

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How exactly did we get here?  Well, the good old Minnesota Mindset got us here.  It goes something like this....


"This guy wants to come to Minnesota.  Maybe he doesn't know it yet, but he wants to.  He's from here.  He's one of us.  He would come home, if he could.  He's a good receiver.  We need a good receiver.  I don't understand things like numbers and dollars, but I know I like watching guys like Chad Greenway because his name is easy to pronounce.  So is Klein-sauce.  Me and my buddies call him "Sauce".


Anyway, Fitzgerald's out there, and we should go get him, because we have a football team that he could play for.  So get it done.  (Pause)  It's done.  He's coming here.  I read it on a Star Tribune comment.  He's coming here."

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In what alternative universe would Larry Fitzgerald coming to the Vikings make sense?  This is a team that dumped hundreds of millions on olds like Jared Allen and Steve Hutchinson.  Then they've got Peterson to think about.  Now they draft a young cheap QB, and then spend too much money on an old one.  The roster looks like it is constructed by monkeys.  Where would the money come from for Larry?

And furthermore, why is the reaction to his signing a contract extension that he is "not coming to Minnesota"?  He's also not going to 30 other teams in the league.  This would be funny if it was a joke, but its tone is serious.  "Awww damn, we missed out on Larry".   Newsflash guys, you missed out on a lot this offseason, and you're going to be missing out BIG TIME in the coming years.

Vikings fans STILL don't have what they want

You would think that they would be happy!  I mean...McNabb is joining this list: 

Quarterbacks the Vikings pick-up well after they became good and/or famous:
Archie Manning
Jim McMahon
Warren Moon
Randall Cunningham
Brett Favre

So, he must have some gas left, right?  Hell, he can overthrow a receiver just like a rookie can.  Just ask me.  But yet, there's this comment on CBS Sports...
_______________________________________________________
Posted on: July 28, 2011 2:07

Log-in to rate:Donovan McNabb trade to Vikings 'done'

Being born and raised in Minn, I am a die hard Viking fan. I dont like chilly either. Neither does my sisters living in MN who have season tickets. I want Bud back.!!!! (there has to be a coach like him somewhere for the Vikes)
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You know, the Vikings DID get Bud back.  He returned after the Steckel season and lead the team to a losing record.  It was all "thanks for righting the ship" talk but...you bring a guy out of retirement to coach one year?  That was a very MN polite "thanks for helping but...that'll do."
 
Yet, his legacy sticks in the minds of some people who weren't even conceived yet.  If they could only have a guy "like" Bud...
 
If only our porch was finished...my wife and I could have friends over but GEEEEEEEE

At least they got back Napoleon Harris for Moss, right?

Cross Post Bonanza

As seen here, I've dug up some gems from olden days, and I feel it's only appropriate to cross-post them on as many blogs as I can. Should I be Tweeting this too?

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A higher-res version of this picture... between this and the Timberwolves' "Buy a can of corn and get free tickets to the game which are actually worth less than the can of corn" promo, I think we've got two pictures to clearly sum up these franchises.

Nobody wants it more than me, huh?
22 days after this issue hit the stands, Randy drove his car the wrong way into construction, over a traffic cop who was ordering him to stop.  Cops found marijuana in his car.  He was charged with assault with a deadly weapon (his Lexus) and possession.  Luckily the "Randy Ratio" really helped his team on the field... to a 6-10 record.

Hey there!  Do yourself a favor and read some of that article.... this kind of stuff in hindsight just makes me giddy. Hey, was there any pressure on you?  If you've never done so, I highly suggest checking out the Esquire article on Todd and his father... great stuff.

Also, who let Ashley Shaeffer into Todd's photo shoot?

Finally, we have Nate Newton. First of all, I did not know that Nate was nicknamed "The Kitchen". Apparently he ballooned up to over 400 pounds after his retirement (not surprising), and had the gastro-bypass surgery, dropping him to a svelte 220. Hey, way to go, Nate.

He also was arrested twice in 2001 for possessing almost 400 GODDAMNED POUNDS OF MARIJUANA.

No wonder he had put on so much weight.  (that was an easy one)

Even when the Vikings WIN...

God bless you, Burnsie...you are nothing but gold.  If only we could hear his responses on the 2010 season...






"This game reminds me of a Cleveland Brown game we won at old Met Center."

Another update from fans who wanted Jeff George over Randall Cunningham

Well, the Fail-Vikes are failing again, this time by their rookie quarterback hiring none other than Chris Weinke to help them with workouts.

And of course, there's some controversy.  Take it away, commenter:

First, I'd like to point out that the word "Ponder" appeared next to the words "Brees", "Manning" and "Brady" in the same sentence.  Let's try that out for me:

One time, Drew Boatman attempted to grow a mustache and hair appeared on his upper lip like Tom Selleck, Sam Elliott and Wilford Brimley.

Nope, something's wrong there.

But then, he goes and pulls a "Vikings Fan".  When you can't outwardly be racist (and around here, believe me, you can't) you've always got the old fallback... criticize the "work ethic".  Yep.  Harvin is lazy.  So's Rice.  They just don't work hard.  Never mind that they are two of the best players in the NFL at their position.  "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY".

I just wish Randall Cunningham had put the time in at the film-room like Jeff George.

The grand sum of all Viking fans, rolled into one entity

Lack of brains in heads

Here's a quick primer to bring you up to speed:

The Vikings would like to build a stadium.  They need to put together a billion dollar package to make this happen.

The Metrodome, where they currently play, looks like this:

They have a few options.  The first is to tear down the Metrodome and build a stadium on that site.  The second is to tear down the Farmer's Market in Minneapolis and build it there.  The third option is to build it on an old ammunition dump in Arden Hills.

These are all simple, easy choices.  They all have benefits, weaknesses, challenges, etc.

But nobody in this entire state is making an informed choice as to which is better.  Why?  Because there isn't a single source of information out there that isn't so far fucking skewed because they have something to gain in the deal.

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Let's start with the easy target:  The Star Tribune.  To read their "reporting" on the matter, there would be no doubt in your mind that the only feasible option is to build it on the Metrodome site and keep the team in Minneapolis.  As the rest of "Vikings Nation" shouts approval of actually moving on the Arden Hills location, the Star Tribune is VERY QUICK to point out that this thing still has a long way to go in the legislature, and that there are road infrastructure upgrades that are necessary.  Why are they like this?  OH, IS IT BECAUSE THEY FUCKING OWN ALL THE LAND AROUND THE METRODOME??????  They've been sitting on it for decades, just waiting for that payout.  And if the Vikings move to the suburbs?  Oh shit, they're fucked.  No one uses the dome, and suddenly their land is utterly worthless.

Let's keep in mind... this is a media organization.  I can't think of a way in which a medium could have a larger conflict of interest.  It's not possible.  Let's also bring in the fact that the Star Trib is losing money, as are all newspapers, and this is the last gamble that just HAS to go right.

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Ok, so if you read stadium news in the Star Tribune, you are an idiot.  So where else do you go?  The Pioneer Press?  Well, here we run into a thornier problem.... St. Paul sure has wanted to take away the Twins and Vikings for, what, 50 years?  The media organizations in St. Paul are utterly blind to reality... all they know is that a stadium in Ramsey County means they "won" and, more importantly, Minneapolis "lost".  I live over here now, and it just stuns me that people from St. Paul view Minneapolis as "dangerous" and "rowdy".  YOU GUYS ARE LIKE THE SAME FUCKING CITY.  Does Fargo feud with Moorhead like this?  If Baldwin and Woodville can get along, why can't the Twin Cities???

The Pioneer Press makes sure to mention how massive this project is, trying to rev up interest, and how unsettled the Minneapolis stadium site is.  This headline says it all:  Vikings have "concerns" about Minneapolis site.

For fuck's sake.

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So, you can't trust any local media outlet.  So, do you go national?  Oh, heavens no.  The national press absolutely has their hand wrapped 'round the knob of the NFL, so ANY stadium news is GREAT GREAT GREAT.  Take a look at that horeshit article... it's not until the FIFTEENTH paragraph that they mention this:

The stadium discussion had been largely put off at the Capitol as legislators struggle to resolve a $5 billion state deficit. It picked up speed last week, with Dayton saying he had met privately with the Wilfs and that he was ready to sign a stadium bill.

OH WHAT'S THAT, THE STATE IS BROKE??? No bother, because the governor wants it.  GO NFL GO!!!  Outlets like the AP, ESPN, Yahoo, etc, they ALL stand to gain from new stadiums and by proxy, NFL success.  The bigger the league gets, the more readers they have, simple.

Also, in that article, what the fuck is this:

Rosen's bill calls for the state to raise its share with a 10 percent state sales tax on sports memorabilia, a sales tax on luxury seats at the new stadium and on digital video recorders, and proceeds from stadium naming rights and a football-themed state lottery game.

What the shit?  How can you add sales tax on luxury seats at the new stadium?  Wouldn't that just be the price of the seats?  Like "Hey, these luxury boxes are 10,000 dollars per game.  But there is going to be a 10% "tax" on that, the revenue from which will go to pay off the state.  YOU WANT ONION RINGS WITH THAT?"  Just make the price higher.  It's like building a mall, then using a really high tax on everything sold in the mall to pay it off.  Makes no sense.

And what is this about digital video recorders?  So everyone that goes and buys a Flip from Best Buy in Minnesota kicks in for the stadium?  Why not just tax Fuji apples?  Shocks and struts from Autozone?  I love this state... just when you think they can't possibly tax anything else, they just raise the price of Handicams.

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Ok, so you can't trust the local media.  You can't trust the national media.  You sure as shit can't trust what any single politician says about this, because they literally are incapable of making a decision.  The state is 5 billion dollars in the red (or the black... or whatever the bad one is), but there are LOTS of Vikings fans, and they tend to yell dumb things at Town Halls.  So you can't trust them.  What's left?  TO THE GROUPTHINK-MOBILE!

You see, the last bastion of information is the Vikings blogs.  This tenuous gathering of ill-informed homers are completely blind to almost every economic and social reality in modern America.  They know only one thing:  GET THE STADIUM DONE SO I CAN WATCH GREENWAY!

Take a look at this:

I only have one question in this whole stadium issue:
Zygi, what took you so long?
There were three things that struck me about the stadium unveiling yesterday in Arden Hills:
1)  What a GREAT FREAKING PLAN!
2)  Minneapolis is butt hurt, and that kind of makes me smile.
3)  Bud Grant is STILL awesome, and I think if he asked me to, I would try and run through a wall for him.

I don't have anything to say here.  Nothing.  This is a perfect encapsulation of Vikings fans.  Anything I say would just detract from that perfect fail.

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So, in summary, there is no truth but the truth which you believe.  Which could be anything.  And what does it really matter?  It's been a long slide down into the muck, but don't worry, the last few feet will pass quickly.  Sorry LA, it looks like the mouth-breathers will win again.  And to think... we could've BOTH been happy.

Win Away the Pounds!

Rex, I heard a rumour, and I don't know if it's true.  It was that you're on another diet.  This diet consists of only eating carry-out chili.  Is it working?

"Fuuufffffffffffffffffffffff."

Well, this will likely become my signature at the end of each and every blog post

"With the twelfth selection in the 2011 draft, Minnesota selects..."

How'd that 3rd round pick work out?

Not exactly a scientific poll, but...

I mean, I don't know what it means, but it can't be good.

"Hmm... didn't have him on my draft board."

Oh my...

by Tswing on Mar 8, 2011 2:29 PM CST



Well i dont think we are going to get Gabbert, and I personally dont want Newton; and with question marks at all the other quarterbacks in the draft why not use one of our 5th round picks and snag a hometown boy. Last year there was a little talk about grabbing Decker, which we didnt do and with all the injuries to the WR core last year we definately could have used him. I was real big on Decker coming out of the draft last year mainly because of the fact he would have been the Vikings version of Joe Mauer. With another opportunity with Weber, I dont see what we have to lose. At 6'3" 220 lbs, he seems to have the size. With 50 starts, he seems to have the experience; and with 56 touchdowns he seems to have the arm. Today Spielman is at the pro day with Weber and with Spielman choosing to go to the Gopher's pro day as opposed to Auburn or Arkansas - I think he is contemplating the same thing. So what do you think - draft weber? Get our hometown hero?

THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER READ ABOUT SPORTS IN THIS STATE. EVER.

I'm so happy to fail!

Oh lord, I don't see how you could fail more.

Bring on the season!

Howdy friend, beggin' your pardon...

I think it's going to rain,
What's the difference?

Funny how?

What the fuck is so funny, Peter? Are you wandering around this locker room hoping that one of the towel boys has an old #4 jockstrap so you have something to eat for dinner? Or is it because now you get to make Rodgers out to be a gunslinging kid-out-there asshole like you do to everyone?

HATE. PETER. KING.

I'm sorry, I must have got off on the wrong floor...

Because when Skipwinkle Jones said "We're going to go live to Randy Moss in Green Bay with the fan's reaction", I didn't think I'd see this.

See if you can count the open mouths. Mouth-breathing.

The Worst Blog Post, By The Worst Fan, In American History

Folks, we have some success to celebrate at this blog, for the first time in its existence.

(eats slaw dog, takes long draw from can of Steel Reserve)

Ok, that's over. Way to go and all that. Let's get back to talkin' failure.

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I love Viking fans. I really do. They are so utterly incapable of seeing themselves for what they are, and what the rest of the world perceives them to be. They have no memory at all, but yet seem to be steeped in a majestic "tradition", as though Bud Grant making them play without heaters on the sideline equals some kind of success as a franchise. That's like saying the Mad Hungarian's beard saved baseball in Kansas City. True, it was awesome. But they don't hang banners for awesome.

I'll try to shed some light on this horrible, horrible group of people. Pro sports has never known irony and idiocy so perfectly in tune as it does with modern day purple fans.

Let's start here:

I would love to just paste the entire article here, and then type FAIL at the end of it, but we need to open this lovely tulip and really understand what it is about.

I'm not going to sit here and praise the Green Bay Packers, or tell you how much respect I have for them or their players or their coaches or their fans. Why? Because if I were to say those things, there's not a damn one of you that would believe me anyway, and with good reason. My saying those things would be a straight-up, bald-faced lie, and I have too much respect for my fellow fans of the Minnesota Vikings to sit here and lie to you. I still don't have any respect for them or their players or their coaches or the overwhelming majority of their fans, and wouldn't if they won the next twenty Super Bowls. Why? Because they're a rival. . .and if people don't understand that, that really isn't my problem.

Well, here we go. DAMMIT ALL, WHO I GIVE RESPECT TO MATTERS. This reads like the idiot who is rooting anti-Pack at the Super Bowl party just because dick-texter wasn't quite what he used ter be this season. YOU GUYS ARE BECOMING THE RED SOX. Every single action is viewed through the lens of their own inferiority. *SIGH* Ok, let's get this shit clear: Dick-texter threw a pass to Desmond Bishop that went the other way for a touchdown, and the Packers defeated the Vikings in Lambeau. Then Greg Jennings scored 3 touchdowns when Madieu Williams decided he didn't want to cover OR tackle anymore. 2 victories on the season. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE PACKERS GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THE VIKINGS DID, EVER. Sure, it was nice to see D-T'er being toss'd to the frozen ground against the Bears while his teammates literally did nothing to help him up, but that was more just for fun. And the last loss of the season, to the Lions? PURE ART. But really, we weren't sitting here judging our success this season against the Vikings. Those two wins were nice, sure, but almost every other game meant more.

But not to Vikings fans. That's not how it works. Their child-like reflexes kick in when Green Bay or Chicago has success. "OH BUT HELL LOOK AT HOW GOOD THEY ARE, I MUST JUSTIFY WHY I ROOT FOR THE VIKINGS". Jesus, man. Just watch your team, pull for them, and then watch the Super Bowl just like every other fan from all of the other 30 teams that aren't playing in it.

Again, I can't drive this home enough.... YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW. Holy christ, did you people just become fans this season? Is this your first dick-punch? They haven't played in the big one since.... that can't be right.... 1977?!?!?!?! Watching the Super Bowl and having no rooting interest should be fucking second nature by now. I just don't get it. I understand the concept of rivalries, believe me, the Bears can kiss the pink and all that. But I don't judge my rooting interest for the Packers based on anything any other team does unless it's doing it directly, to the Packers, right then. If the Bears make the Super Bowl? I'm not cheering for them, obviously. But I'm not at home rubbing my signed Keith Woodside boxing puppet (which I obtained when I saw the Packers play the Harlem Globetrotters in Eau Claire and yes that really happened) telling myself how great it is to be a fan and how I'm so fucking strong for making it through these moments.

It's at a time like this when we, the members of the fan base that has gotten kicked in the teeth with a greater regularity and a greater frequency than any other fan base in the National Football League (and there's not a close second), need to once again take inventory of what's important. And that starts with those three little words that we tend not to think about a whole lot of the time.

It's. . .just. . .football.

YOUR... SEASON... ENDED... IN... OCTOBER.

Despite what you may believe, dear fan, the Packers winning this Super Bowl didn't bring down the curtain on your season. That happened when Dick-Texter peed his pants against the Jets.

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

But then she went on to say, "Also, a cursory understanding of facts and history can, in the absence of your consent, make you inferior". Look, the Vikes are fucking star-crossed, everyone can see that. But you don't make up for that horrible history of failure and comical ineptness by "not letting it get to you" and "weathering the storm". You get over it by, you know, winning.

And damn it all, because we are Viking fans, we are inferior to nobody in the world of NFL fans.

Again, this is a perfectly reasonable attitude to have... no one can illegitimize your fan-dom for a particular team. The Vikings are run by sleazebags and A-faces, but I can't tell those fans not to cheer for that team. Fine. But the thing that stinks to high heaven about statements of this ilk are what causes them. Did the Packers winning the big one make you go into that dark section of your pea-brain that tells you cheering for the Vikings makes you a naughty boy? Did you re-evaluate and strengthen your allegiance to your team because the fucking PACKERS had success? What in the holy hell is the matter with you people? If Detroit goes .500 next year, does that make you buy an Al Noga jersey and talk about the Good Ol' Days?

Ladies and gentlemen, regardless of what you might read in any stupid poll or what anyone with a mind-boggling superiority complex might have to say to you, Minnesota Viking fans are the best damn fans in the National Football League. Nobody else is close.

Attendance figures as well as blog posts like the one being quoted here run contrary to that statement.

You know what the Steeler fans said after they lost the Super Bowl? "Great season, too bad we fell short". No, seriously. They didn't whine and scream and poop their pants with hate. They casually evaluated the season in a rational manner. AND THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING GAME. It wasn't that the Browns were playing and they were frothing at the mouth with misplaced anger.... they were actively rooting for one of the participants. I know, strange.

Here is a sampling of comments taken in the moments after the 4th down failed:

i am proud of this team
by UFrazzel on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

agreed
by tkired on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

oh well...helluva season still!
by HtownSteelerFan on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Ah well Three turnovers, what can you do
by Alba on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Well, great game to the end fellas, proud to be a black and gold and it was a fun ride
by screamedia on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

All well one hell of a season
by WVPiratesfan on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

Onto the draft! Great season.
by eric. on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

They are typing that immediately after the ball falls to the ground and they lose the Super Bowl. If there was ever a time to be freaking the fuck and spitting hate about everything in sports, that is the time. But nope, it's "Onto the draft!"

Now let's check on the Vikings blog. Keep in mind that the Minnesota Vikings fans have not played a game that meant jack shit since October 24th of 2010.

ugh.
by ArizonaVikingsFan on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fuck
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fucked we are, officially.
by AustrianViking on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

puke
by Koller007 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

That sucks!
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

FML
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM

Can't watch BSPN all week. I hate GB more than al-Qaida.
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Packers now wear bullseye in 2011
by Mel Allen on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Come on Packer fans.... Tell us how stupid and ignorant and retarded we are…. I’m ready for it.
by gerkvoltage on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Frick.
by Seracon on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm this officially sucks
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'm now turning off the TV.
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

well..time for the whiskey.. Not gooing into work tomorrow..getting fucked up now..pardon my french
by PURPpplEATER on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'M SORRY, COME AGAIN??? YOU ARE NOT GOING INTO WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE YOUR TEAM HAD TO START JOE WEBB FOR 3 GAMES?!?!!? Because it couldn't be that the Packers just won the Super Bowl. That would be stupid. Because... I thought you were the best fans in the world? Nobody could make you feel inferior, etc. etc.??? It's just football, and all that? No?

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Everything is cyclical and time waits on no one. The business of the NFL is to spread the cookie jar around to each and every location so that every single fan can feel special. So I recognize the logical conclusion of all this parity. And so if I sit here in 13 years and the Gold hasn't done a goddamn thing since, well, that just sucks. But I don't picture myself going into the recesses of my reptile brain and consoling myself with bullshit platitudes about how we have the "best fans in the game". And when the Purple raise that banner, I won't drink whiskey and miss work the next day.

Whenever you have to force yourself to feel better about the team you cheer for, you are already battling such an inferiority complex, that it needs no assistance from outside sources. Packer fans don't have to "come in here and tell you how stupid you are".

You're doing just fine on your own.

Steelers Fans Cluster In Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Minnesota and Illinois

Oh my god, Vikings and Bears fans, you are terrible. First, if ANYONE should know the power of Green Bay, it should be you two. The Vikings got the pants pulled down in the Dome and lost their head coach the day after. The Bears just lost 2 of 3 and haven't yet dried their tears. So one would think you two fan-bases should know, FIRST HAND, how difficult the Packers are to defeat at the sport of football.

Even Lions fans are on board.

It really just comes down to dumbness, and failure. "BAAA I'M MAD AT PACKERS BECAUSE DICK TEXTER LOST, SO GO PITTSBURGH BECAUSE HAMWICH" Listen, I don't expect full support. I know I'd be the first one proclaiming the Vikes were going to get done by Indy last year.

But at least the state of Wisconsin wouldn't be, you know, one of FOUR red states on the map.

Christ, even Hawaii sees the light.