The Worst Blog Post, By The Worst Fan, In American History

Folks, we have some success to celebrate at this blog, for the first time in its existence.

(eats slaw dog, takes long draw from can of Steel Reserve)

Ok, that's over. Way to go and all that. Let's get back to talkin' failure.

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I love Viking fans. I really do. They are so utterly incapable of seeing themselves for what they are, and what the rest of the world perceives them to be. They have no memory at all, but yet seem to be steeped in a majestic "tradition", as though Bud Grant making them play without heaters on the sideline equals some kind of success as a franchise. That's like saying the Mad Hungarian's beard saved baseball in Kansas City. True, it was awesome. But they don't hang banners for awesome.

I'll try to shed some light on this horrible, horrible group of people. Pro sports has never known irony and idiocy so perfectly in tune as it does with modern day purple fans.

Let's start here:

I would love to just paste the entire article here, and then type FAIL at the end of it, but we need to open this lovely tulip and really understand what it is about.

I'm not going to sit here and praise the Green Bay Packers, or tell you how much respect I have for them or their players or their coaches or their fans. Why? Because if I were to say those things, there's not a damn one of you that would believe me anyway, and with good reason. My saying those things would be a straight-up, bald-faced lie, and I have too much respect for my fellow fans of the Minnesota Vikings to sit here and lie to you. I still don't have any respect for them or their players or their coaches or the overwhelming majority of their fans, and wouldn't if they won the next twenty Super Bowls. Why? Because they're a rival. . .and if people don't understand that, that really isn't my problem.

Well, here we go. DAMMIT ALL, WHO I GIVE RESPECT TO MATTERS. This reads like the idiot who is rooting anti-Pack at the Super Bowl party just because dick-texter wasn't quite what he used ter be this season. YOU GUYS ARE BECOMING THE RED SOX. Every single action is viewed through the lens of their own inferiority. *SIGH* Ok, let's get this shit clear: Dick-texter threw a pass to Desmond Bishop that went the other way for a touchdown, and the Packers defeated the Vikings in Lambeau. Then Greg Jennings scored 3 touchdowns when Madieu Williams decided he didn't want to cover OR tackle anymore. 2 victories on the season. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE PACKERS GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THE VIKINGS DID, EVER. Sure, it was nice to see D-T'er being toss'd to the frozen ground against the Bears while his teammates literally did nothing to help him up, but that was more just for fun. And the last loss of the season, to the Lions? PURE ART. But really, we weren't sitting here judging our success this season against the Vikings. Those two wins were nice, sure, but almost every other game meant more.

But not to Vikings fans. That's not how it works. Their child-like reflexes kick in when Green Bay or Chicago has success. "OH BUT HELL LOOK AT HOW GOOD THEY ARE, I MUST JUSTIFY WHY I ROOT FOR THE VIKINGS". Jesus, man. Just watch your team, pull for them, and then watch the Super Bowl just like every other fan from all of the other 30 teams that aren't playing in it.

Again, I can't drive this home enough.... YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW. Holy christ, did you people just become fans this season? Is this your first dick-punch? They haven't played in the big one since.... that can't be right.... 1977?!?!?!?! Watching the Super Bowl and having no rooting interest should be fucking second nature by now. I just don't get it. I understand the concept of rivalries, believe me, the Bears can kiss the pink and all that. But I don't judge my rooting interest for the Packers based on anything any other team does unless it's doing it directly, to the Packers, right then. If the Bears make the Super Bowl? I'm not cheering for them, obviously. But I'm not at home rubbing my signed Keith Woodside boxing puppet (which I obtained when I saw the Packers play the Harlem Globetrotters in Eau Claire and yes that really happened) telling myself how great it is to be a fan and how I'm so fucking strong for making it through these moments.

It's at a time like this when we, the members of the fan base that has gotten kicked in the teeth with a greater regularity and a greater frequency than any other fan base in the National Football League (and there's not a close second), need to once again take inventory of what's important. And that starts with those three little words that we tend not to think about a whole lot of the time.

It's. . .just. . .football.

YOUR... SEASON... ENDED... IN... OCTOBER.

Despite what you may believe, dear fan, the Packers winning this Super Bowl didn't bring down the curtain on your season. That happened when Dick-Texter peed his pants against the Jets.

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

But then she went on to say, "Also, a cursory understanding of facts and history can, in the absence of your consent, make you inferior". Look, the Vikes are fucking star-crossed, everyone can see that. But you don't make up for that horrible history of failure and comical ineptness by "not letting it get to you" and "weathering the storm". You get over it by, you know, winning.

And damn it all, because we are Viking fans, we are inferior to nobody in the world of NFL fans.

Again, this is a perfectly reasonable attitude to have... no one can illegitimize your fan-dom for a particular team. The Vikings are run by sleazebags and A-faces, but I can't tell those fans not to cheer for that team. Fine. But the thing that stinks to high heaven about statements of this ilk are what causes them. Did the Packers winning the big one make you go into that dark section of your pea-brain that tells you cheering for the Vikings makes you a naughty boy? Did you re-evaluate and strengthen your allegiance to your team because the fucking PACKERS had success? What in the holy hell is the matter with you people? If Detroit goes .500 next year, does that make you buy an Al Noga jersey and talk about the Good Ol' Days?

Ladies and gentlemen, regardless of what you might read in any stupid poll or what anyone with a mind-boggling superiority complex might have to say to you, Minnesota Viking fans are the best damn fans in the National Football League. Nobody else is close.

Attendance figures as well as blog posts like the one being quoted here run contrary to that statement.

You know what the Steeler fans said after they lost the Super Bowl? "Great season, too bad we fell short". No, seriously. They didn't whine and scream and poop their pants with hate. They casually evaluated the season in a rational manner. AND THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING GAME. It wasn't that the Browns were playing and they were frothing at the mouth with misplaced anger.... they were actively rooting for one of the participants. I know, strange.

Here is a sampling of comments taken in the moments after the 4th down failed:

i am proud of this team
by UFrazzel on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

agreed
by tkired on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

oh well...helluva season still!
by HtownSteelerFan on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Ah well Three turnovers, what can you do
by Alba on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Well, great game to the end fellas, proud to be a black and gold and it was a fun ride
by screamedia on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

All well one hell of a season
by WVPiratesfan on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

Onto the draft! Great season.
by eric. on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

They are typing that immediately after the ball falls to the ground and they lose the Super Bowl. If there was ever a time to be freaking the fuck and spitting hate about everything in sports, that is the time. But nope, it's "Onto the draft!"

Now let's check on the Vikings blog. Keep in mind that the Minnesota Vikings fans have not played a game that meant jack shit since October 24th of 2010.

ugh.
by ArizonaVikingsFan on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fuck
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fucked we are, officially.
by AustrianViking on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

puke
by Koller007 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

That sucks!
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

FML
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM

Can't watch BSPN all week. I hate GB more than al-Qaida.
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Packers now wear bullseye in 2011
by Mel Allen on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Come on Packer fans.... Tell us how stupid and ignorant and retarded we are…. I’m ready for it.
by gerkvoltage on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Frick.
by Seracon on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm this officially sucks
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'm now turning off the TV.
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

well..time for the whiskey.. Not gooing into work tomorrow..getting fucked up now..pardon my french
by PURPpplEATER on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'M SORRY, COME AGAIN??? YOU ARE NOT GOING INTO WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE YOUR TEAM HAD TO START JOE WEBB FOR 3 GAMES?!?!!? Because it couldn't be that the Packers just won the Super Bowl. That would be stupid. Because... I thought you were the best fans in the world? Nobody could make you feel inferior, etc. etc.??? It's just football, and all that? No?

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Everything is cyclical and time waits on no one. The business of the NFL is to spread the cookie jar around to each and every location so that every single fan can feel special. So I recognize the logical conclusion of all this parity. And so if I sit here in 13 years and the Gold hasn't done a goddamn thing since, well, that just sucks. But I don't picture myself going into the recesses of my reptile brain and consoling myself with bullshit platitudes about how we have the "best fans in the game". And when the Purple raise that banner, I won't drink whiskey and miss work the next day.

Whenever you have to force yourself to feel better about the team you cheer for, you are already battling such an inferiority complex, that it needs no assistance from outside sources. Packer fans don't have to "come in here and tell you how stupid you are".

You're doing just fine on your own.