November 25, 2008

Gophers in the Dome, R.I.P. 1982-2008

Could there have been a more fitting end of the Golden Gophers tenure in the Metrodome than getting the absolute dung kicked out of them by a better team? Nope, a massive shutout is the perfect symbol of failure that encompassed this school for over the past 25 years. There were bright spots, but they were just that: spots. The sun never stayed out for long.

The Gophers will now play under the sun. It might not make a difference in the long run, despite our hopes that it will. But there have been some amazing moments in the dome for this team.


BEFORE



Heading into the early 80s, the Gophers were clearly an average football team within the Big Ten. They last had a .500 record in 1978. They hadn't been to a bowl since 1977, when they were .500 in conference play and defeated Washington AND Michigan, the schools in the Rose Bowl. Check out these highlights and the wardrobe of the fans!






Lost in all of these warm vibes was a school that had failed to achieve a winning record in the conference since 1972. So, ten years later, a trip to this new domed stadium was considered a big move. The Gophers would give it a 2 year try-out, since things will be better. Sure, each frat along University Ave. can continue to have their own BBQ. People can still cruise. Just continue driving until you hit the stadium. And think of it: big city lights, it's always warm, it'll be great for southern recruits!

1982

A team that had the look of "we're coming!" Their first game of the year, at home against Ohio, was a complete mauling of the green and white with over 56,000 there. It had been a couple years since they played in front of a home crowd that big...and for Ohio, no less. Through 3 games (1 of which a victory over Purdue) the Gophers were 3-0 and now ranked #19! Here they go about to play a FOURTH straight home game, against Illinois. What happened? The Gophers lost, and Illinois later on went to the Liberty Bowl. And that tipped the scales. The Gophers lost all their remaining games to finish 3-8.

1983 - the nadir

After a win at Rice (with the attendance a suspiciously round 10,000), the Gophers met #1 Nebraska at home. Over 62,000 saw this final score: 83-14. Footage of this fucking insane game reportedly exists, as multiple Nebraska football sites claim to have the game on video. You can find a clip on You Tube which shows multiple touchdowns with no Maroon jerseys around. But the cover of the program is a perfect "before" picture. It's sad that it was Nebraska who had to show the Gophers where they really were. But life's funny that way. This Gopher team finished the season playing 3 schools in the top 15. Combined score of the losses: 169-43.


1984-1985: Dr. Lou arrives

When Lou Holtz came to coach the Gophers, it was the kick start the team needed. Literally starting at zero, Holtz laid out plans for what was needed to get the Gophers back to glory. Staying in the dome was a certain because the dome was the future - it was big time. The University agreed and signed a gigantic lease. Next, an indoor practice facility would be needed. The "Taj Maholtz" (as many called it) continued to put the Gophers on a competitive level. The fact that there was a clause that stated he could get out of his contract if the chance to coach Notre Dame was available bothered no one. His team was winning. They were winning big ten games...hell, big ten road games for the first time since 1981. His second year reached even greater heights. As Prince was getting through this thing called life, the Gophers nearly defeated #3 Oklahoma (back when moral victories were considered victories). The Gophers were ranked. They went to and won a bowl game people had heard of. This team was on the rise. Who knows what would have happened had he stayed. But Lou isn't famous for turning around the Gophers.


1986 - 1990: Mediocrity and boredom


Coordinator John Gutekunst took over the head coach duties. And at first, it was a start mirroring so many others. Unlike last year, the Gophers wouldn't push Oklahoma to the brink; They'd lose 63-0. Then it was followed up with a loss to Pacific. Haven't heard much from them lately? They no longer field a team. But after that junk kicking, big ten wins were happening right and left, combined with the unthinkable: a win AT Michigan. Another bowl game in a setting people had heard of, and the season left people wondering: so is this how it is? The Gophers will be a pretty good squad and go to bowl games? The answer is yes and no.

Gutekunst continued to put forth squads that would take one step forward, and then one back. 1987, the team started 5-0, only to wilt under the weight of the big ten schedule. (Sound familiar?) The following year, the only wins came from the MAC conference (Sound familiar?) with a 2-7-2 record. Could you even motivate your players with a record like that? They tied Northwestern (a situation akin to no one saying you're a loser to your face but the word is certainly out). The 1989 team rebounded to a 6-5 overall record (4-4 in the big ten), while the following year they posted a winning big ten record to go with the 6-5 season. During that 1990 season, I was the sports editor for something called the Olson Junior High Norseman. Through connections I was touring the facilities, having a great time. Suddenly I was told "Trip, here's John's office. Maybe we can chat for your paper for a few minutes." Yes, my first sports interview was Gutekunst, and he was polite to this 13 year old pretending to be a writer. In the interview, he stated his expectations were for a 6-5 season. Eerily, he was right. As a fan it disappointed me considering I thought they could be better than that. But that's where they stood. And, had there been as many bowl games then as there are now, they'd have likely gone to one. So here we were again: can they be a pretty good squad and go to bowl games?

The following year answered that question with "No." The team went 2-9, including a bizarre 6-3 win over Purdue I unfortunately attended. During the Homecoming parade a yell went toward McKinley Boston: "Great day for an outdoor game." Mr. Boston nodded and said "Yeah." The seed was clearly planted then, with Gopher players complaining of the "tomb-like" atmosphere of a half full Metrodome. It was time for some high comedy, some energy. And boy, did they get it.

1992: My heart's pumping

Or, so said Jim Wacker, the new Gopher football coach. He and Denny Green started at the same time, and had very different early returns. For Jim, it was T shirts stating "Guaranteed Saturday Air Delivery." His offense was completely different than John's (whatever it was). His team also went 2-9, but finished the year by defeating Rose Bowl-bound Iowa. The Gophers missed 3 extra points in that game, but Jim was carried off the field. Yet another turnaround had begun, right? Of course, no one is mentioning how tired they are of all the turnarounds.

1993: My corpuscles are jumping



Jim's second season doubled the win total and, following a win over top-20 Wisconsin, had a winning big ten record (at that point). Rejoice! Oh right, the next game, they blew a lead over Illinois and lost the rest of their games.

1994: I bet that's Joe Paterno!

It is late afternoon in August. Your writer was invited to a booster-led dinner for the team. It was right after a practice, and the practice went longer than scheduled. The freshmen, who were supposed to set up tables for the feast, had done no such thing. Someone much older and larger said aloud "what are we going to do?" I knew that "we" wouldn't do anything, but I could lift up some of these plastic folding chairs. And just seconds later I hear "There you go, buddy. We'll get these set up." It was Coach Wacker, carrying tables to set up himself. It was simply the two of us doing everything until players slowly showed up. This left me with two emotions: this is awesome that the coach is doing this and wait, he's the coach, shouldn't he tell someone to do this? As he and I walked back and forth (and large boosters laughed and talked to each other in hushed tones) a helicopter flew overhead. Coach claimed that was the Penn State staff, trying to get secrets for this team. The end of the story is that Minnesota lost by over 50 points to Penn State.

1995-1996: "I'm sick of these gosh darn moral victories."

In Jim's final two seasons, he managed one big ten win a year. The above comment was said during a telecast of KARE's "Gopher Sports Extra." As those in the Twin Cities wondered how long he'd be there...out of nowhere, he was gone. To me he seemed a nice guy who was in way over his head.

Glen Mason

I'm not placing years on this since it is recent history. He stood on the Williams Arena court before he ever coached a game and said "We will win." This was met with apathy. But he did win. And then, failure. There would be wins, and a ranking and then...



Tim Brewster has returned the team to its Dominate Pre-Season/Average to Bad in Big Ten style. And there the school stands, just as it did when it entered the blue room.

One step forward, one step back.


November 22, 2008

Ahhh Sid

I have been waiting to post this.

My favorite lines are:

The Gophers close the season with three of their final four games at the Metrodome, and the only road game at Wisconsin, which began conference play 0-4 before beating Illinois on Saturday.

It's possible they could finish 11-1.

Maturi said. "I've received several e-mails after the win against Illinois telling me to do my job and extend his contract and make sure that we keep him here for a long time.

But you have to give Maturi credit: he picked an unknown, and that unknown has done a fantastic job. Yes, Brewster has silenced the critics.

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Critics silenced. Bring on Ball State.

October 25, 2008

Why we have this blog

I was waiting for something interesting/stupid to come from this. I was rewarded.

Hey, go Knicks.

October 24, 2008

I have no idea if I am keeping up anymore

First, we have water pills.

Second, we have this guy. Don't backstab the Wooger motherfucker. Life sucks now, doesn't it?

September 28, 2008

How would you describe Santana's

complete game shutout on 3 days rest, Jerry Manuel?

Gangsta.

I saw the video on ESPN, probably be on YouTube in a few days.

Update: Go to SNY, then go to "Video", scroll down and click on "Archive", look for 9-27-2008 videos.

September 10, 2008

All sorts of news

First, I don't think "Get my Goose On" and "Gary Anderson . . ." drafted two QBs.

Second, it looks like Ambiorix Burgos had to . . .

Third, no one drafted Vince Young and that is too bad. If this is true, this would qualify you to win the league.

September 8, 2008

First one of the season!

Nate Burleson, he who didn't like to catch the football if it was for a first down, goes down with a torn -CL. Nice work, Matt Flynn's Backup. You're off to a raging start.

Failure Fantasy Football Rosters

Folks, we've got a hot one brewing here. Mr. Bionic Crotch threw almost 20 incompletions tonight, and he wears a knee brace. Game. On.

Note: the team names are the same as last year right now, post in the comments if you'd like to change them.

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Matt Flynn's Backup

Team - St. Louis Rams

Marc Bulger
Ted Ginn Jr.
Ike Hilliard
Carson Palmer
Clinton Portis
Edgerrin James
Justin Fargas
Ron Dayne
Owen Schmitt
Mike Nugent
Olindo Mare
Nate Burleson
Mike Furrey
Donald Driver


Smelly Pirate Hookers

Team - Oakland Raiders

Kyle Orton
Troy Williamson
Matt Jones
Ahman Green
Julius Jones
Brandon Stokely
Dwayne Jarrett
Lamont Jordan
Reggie Bush
Neil Rackers
Shaun Alexander
Donte Stallworth
Sebastian Janikowski
JP Losman


Get My Goose On

Team - Detroit Lions

Tarvaris Jackson
Rudi Johnson
Javon Walker
Travis Henry
Heath Evans
Ricky Williams
Isaac Bruce
Torry Holt
Ronnie Brown
Bobby Wade
Rian Lindell
Jeff Reed
Willis McGahee
Travis Taylor


Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot And We Ain't Seen Shit Since

Team - San Francisco 49ers

Chad Pennington
Rashard Mendenhall
Willie Parker
Derrick Mason
Mark Clayton
Travis Minor
Najeh Davenport
Drew Bennett
Bernard Berrian
Vernand Morency
Eric Moulds
Matt Ryan
David Akers
Martin Grammatica


Cleveland Steamers

Team - Kansas City Chiefs

Brodie Croyle
Michael Bennett
Brad Hoover
Amani Toomer
Wes Welker
Kevin Smith
LenDale White
David Tyree
Chad Ocho Cinco
Tatum Bell
Troy Walters
Joe Flacco
Matt Stover
Rob Birones

September 6, 2008

Just completed my draft board

My gut tells me there will be a few teams WELL represented by this failure league. DEEP into the depth chart.

September 3, 2008

I will draft either of these two guys

Either.

Failure NFL Draft

Quick and dirty:

When would be a good time to draft failure NFL teams? Would Sunday night be OK? We would've already seen the first games, but it doesn't matter. We're in this for the long term. Plus we'd have yet to see Action Jackson break his dack-sack. I'm thinking about 7pm. Does that work? Otherwise anytime next week would be good too.

August 30, 2008

Hail to the motherfu . . . .

Is Rich's house for sale, yet? Don't get me wrong, the Gophers won't do much this year, either . . . but this is Michigan. Doug from Dearborn wants wins. The Gophers and Michigan could have the same bowl experience this year . . . watching at home. You would think after Appalachia St. they could have scheduled someone like West Georgia.

You can throw out the records when they play Ouachita Baptist. Ouachita is tough at home.

August 21, 2008

He Should Belong To All Of Us

For this Saturday, let's all claim Carl as an honorary member.

How long do you think it will take until his arm falls off, Dravecky-style? The second inning? His first warm-up toss?

August 20, 2008

August 17, 2008

Is The "MCL" Near His Crotch?

Because he broke that last year.

Tell me this guy isn't number 1. Just sit there and try to tell me. He's number 1. Right.

August 12, 2008

My Rangers

Too bad it wasn't at home. You will win more games if you don't give up 10 in the 1st inning. Just sayin'.

August 10, 2008

Define "Failure"

Nick Punto today:

0-5 with 4 strikeouts.

You pretty much couldn't fail any worse than that.

Rub some dirt in it

Lee out 6-8 weeks with broken pinkie: Houston slugger Carlos Lee was placed on the 15-day disabled list Saturday night because of a broken left pinkie and is expected to miss 6-to-8 weeks. Lee left the Astros' game at Cincinnati in the third inning Saturday night after getting hit by a pitch. "It's tough to lose him," manager Cecil Cooper said after Houston's 3-1 win. "It didn't look good. He carried us the last month-and-a-half. It's a big hole to fill, but we're capable of filling it. I'm just now starting to suck it up."
(Updated 08/09/2008).

Weak.

I will take Jose Guillen from KC for the "I just signed a big contract and don't want to be here anymore, trade me now" factor.

August 8, 2008

The Commish emailed me . . .

and said I had 4 players out of baseball for a couple months. Let us examine:

Frank Thomas: back playing. I will keep.
Andruw Jones: back playing. I will keep.
Shawn Chacon: Out of baseball, but I will keep as idle hands do the devil's work.
Alexi Casilla: Learned how to play baseball (good thing as it helped the Twins).

I will drop Casilla and pick up Griffey Jr. as I see the Sox fading badly (unless someone else has him).

August 7, 2008

Maybe When You're Old Enough, You'll Realize That You're Not So Tough

Hey everybody! Do you remember that we have a real-life, honest-to-goodness Failure Baseball League? No?!? Well me neither, until a few days ago!

We're into August now, and the failures have had record breaking seasons. We started out the season by drafting heavily in the Twins direction (correct choice), then followed that up with a healthy dose of Indians (don't know how to hit baseball) and now it's pretty much all about the Mariners (liked them better the first time I saw them, when they were called the Ham Fighters).

Collecting these stats is truly a joy, and it affords me the opportunity to enjoy just how good we are at picking failures... and the astonishing number of absolute garbage players in MLB. In fact, I was looking for a replacement for LaTroy Hawkins (because he failed for the 149th time in his career) and I didn't know where to begin. Well, you know a good place to start when drafting failures? Pittsburgh's roster! Oh, they are chock full of losers! Gorzellany, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm... it's low-hanging fruit! So, faithful readers, let this be a lesson... when in doubt, DRAFT PIRATE PITCHERS!

Another fun thing to do is read the comments made on Sportsline about individual players and their fantasy value. Needless to say, most of the guys on our rosters have "little" or "none". I've also seen these comments: "Not Improving" (Justin Upton) and "Awful Again" (Homer Bailey). Hey, think positive guys! You're in the big leagues!

Before we begin with the recaps and the current standings, though, please allow me to pay homage to a man who may soon retire from the world of professional baseball...



Meat Hook.

It's not looking good for Meat Hook these days. The diabee-tus caught up with him (or rather, eating nothing but Wendy's caught up) and his team has fallen into complete disrepair. For 3 or 4 years, however, Meat Hook was the biggest stone-cold gangster in MLB. Let's see... in 1995 he punched a fan who was heckling him - at a minor league game. In 2006 he assaulted a woman in Birmingham (Barons up!). He was later sent to Promises Malibu, which, in addition to being a rehab center, is also likely a porn actress' name. He was sentenced to 30 days, but on the day of his pretrial - WHOOPS FORGOT ABOUT THAT - he failed to show up in court. A warrant was issued, which was funny, because it was the middle of the fucking season. You think they're going to have a hard time finding him?

Anyway, there's a lot of things funny about Meat Hook, but one thing that isn't funny is that he is grossly overweight.

No, wait. That is funny.

Alright Meat Hook, you take the rest of the year off and make one more run at conditioning in the offseason! Of course, by "conditioning", I mean "opting for lettuce on your BK Broiler".

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The standings!

Bacon n Butter - 66
The Jesus Sanchez - 62
Outright Release - 60
Billz - 57
The Short Bus Drivers - 54

Of course, these numbers do not reflect the team statistics, which will be tabulated at season's end. For some of us, namely Short Bus Drivers, those numbers are going to look a lot better at that time.

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Well, enough putzing around, let's get to some awards!

We're going to have to crawl all the way back to April to start handing out the Jose Contreras Failure Awards, but it's worth it because there has been such a staggering amount of non-success in this league, it all needs mentioning!

And so, your failure award winner for April:



Barry Zito!

(hey Barry, is that how many hits you gave up today, or runs?)

Barry didn't just fail in April, he BOMBED. He completed the near-impossible 5 Loss month, posting an ERA of 7.61 on the way. In 23 innings he gave up 3 hoggs and 14 walks. All of these stats made him a pure cash cow for The Jesus Sanchez. And as icing on the cake, he was demoted to the bullpen, just over a year after signing his gigantic goddamned contract. Good thing the Giants suck now, or Barry REALLY would've stood out!

Honorable Mention in April goes to Ryan Howard, who batted .168 and managed to ring up 37 strikeouts. Those are MVP numbers!

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In May, the overall level of failure was lower, but there were still quite a few shining stars. On a team full of underachievers, this month's winner really goes for the glory!



Daric Barton!

(you think you'd want to wait until the canker sores healed before you got your picture taken.... guess not)

Now, the first question you may have is "Who?" And then you will probably snicker and say something like "You misspelled your first name". And it's true. There's usually a 'K' in there, buddy. OH BUT SPEAKING OF K's!!!!! Mr. Barton went down hard 20 times in May, posting a nearly-unbelievable .139 batting average. He slugged .244! Hey bonehead, Carlos Gomez gets that on bunting alone!

When you get 72 at bats, it's not a good thing to strike out in 20 of them.

But, as with most failures, you can't really hold it against him. I mean, come on. Look at that face. He was destined to failure when he was born.

Honorable Mention in May goes to Andruw Jones (.178 with 16 strikeouts?? Check his birth certificate!) and Elijah Dukes (.167, 18 strikeouts and 3 GDPs?? Get that man a Pepsi!)

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In June, the failures came out swinging a hot bat... a hot STRIKEOUT BAT. The totals for punchouts went through the roof with the leading team recording 178 total. That's almost 20 per player! Oh my god, make contact you losers!

So with all those hitters striking out in the hot summer sun, you'd think that pitchers would have an easy go of things, right?



WRONG! IT'S RINCON TIME!!!

This is one of those performances that deserves to be on a plaque somewhere. Let's see, where to begin? 3 home runs? Well, that's not TERRIBLE. I mean, it's pretty bad for a relief pitcher, but not the worst.

Oh. Wait. He only pitched 3.1 innings, you say?

So in the process of getting 10 outs in the entire month, he gave up 10 hits. As mentioned, three of them didn't come back into the field of play. He let in 7 runs, all of them earned. That adds up to a walloping 18.9 ERA. Hitters batted .526 off of him. BUT JUAN WASN'T DONE CONTRIBUTING TO THE FAILURE FANTASY LEAGUE!!!! He got himself cut by the Twins organization that had stood by him even when he was ballooning up to a disproportionate level and injecting steroids straight into his ass. Being cut from the Twins is hard to do. Look at how long it took them with Tony Fiore. And he drove a garbage truck to work.

Of course, Juan is the gift that just keeps on giving all year round. He landed on his feet - well, Cleveland, so really he just landed. Hard. And so far in August, he's throwing a 13.5 ERA Having given up 2 home runs while only getting 4 outs. Absolutely outstanding.

Honorable mention here goes to Rincon's teammate (who can never be cut, apparently) Mike Lamb. Big Mike posted a batting average of .063. No, I didn't forget a number. That's .063 as in "2 hits in 32 at bats". I'm sure Dave Siznewski could get more than 2 hits in a month! And he eats chicken wings with butter on them!

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Finally we come to July, where the real failures begin to shine. This is the time of year when the teams that are out of contention just plain stop trying. It's hot, they can't hit anyway, and even if they did the next guy would strike out. Why not just try for a homer every time???



Jack Cust does!!!!!!

Two things. First, Jack Cust sold me a used Lincoln in Rockford, IL. Second, he damn near set an MLB record in July for strikeouts.

Jack had 83 at bats. At least half of those must've been non-strikeouts, right? OH NO WRONG. He went back to the dugout with his head down a remarkable FORTY FIVE times! He hit .205 on the month, but managed to slug .446. How is that possible? Because of the 17 times he got a hit, 6 of them were home runs. Hey, 6 jacks and 45 strikeouts... like Llewelyn Moss says "That'll work"!

And Jack just keeps on going too. At press time, he has 17 at bats in August, and 8 of them are strikeouts. Awesome.

Honorable Mention in July goes to Royce Ring (yes, that is a real name) who pitches for Atlanta, which recently took a flier on a catcher named CORKY MILLER. Remember that name Twins fans? The guy who made the opening day roster instead of Liriano in 2006? That worked well. Anyway, Royce posted a 21.94 ERA in July, giving up 16 hits to mirror the 16 outs he got. Unfortunately, 13 runs came because of those 16 hits. And... no homeruns? How the hell does that work? Ah, I see. 7 walks. That will do it. Royce.

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And so there you have it folks. I'm going back into hiding for a few months, I'll see you at the football draft!

August 6, 2008

Finish the job, son

Things are moving along for the Cubs, but a move like this doesn't feel complete. For the life of me I can't figure out how relief pitcher Bob Howry is still calling 1060 W. Addison his place of business. With Kerry Wood returning and N.D.'s receiving star throwing 98 m.p.h. there's little need for another failure-coaster with Marmol in place. Will Carlos throw like he did in the all star game, or will he upset himself with a lead-off walk and then start a-serving meatballs?

But back to Howry. Lou keeps using him, and Bob keeps looking overwhelmed. Maybe he wanted to ace him AFTER his birthday, which was Monday. Lou's that kind of guy. But here's a comparison.

Howry - ends the month of July on this streak:
0-2 with a 13.50 ERA in 10 days.

August 2 vs. Pitt - 1 inning, 2 hits, no runs. That's fine.
August 5 vs. Houston - Blown save, 1.1 innings, 2 runs, 2 hits, 1 of which a home run
Current ERA 5.30


The person aced in this deal is Scott Eyre...the same guy who set the club record for consecutive scoreless innings. Scott, who I can only guess Lou doesn't like personally, was failing just as much of late. His last outing, during the Cubs magnificent sweep of Bud Selig Success Caravan, was .1 innings, 3 hits, 3 earned runs. Ayeeeeeeee.

So, we have two pitchers in a serious funk. But only one is sent away. Why keep the other? Well, check out this face.


July 31, 2008

nFl

Nice job. Great way to "salvage" your career. Loser.

"Williams weighed around 270 pounds when he signed with Tennessee..."

He plays wide reciever.

July 27, 2008

A question for the NFFFL draft

Let's say I get the first pick. I take Aaron Rodgers (a very valid selection). The person with the number two pick takes Brian Brohm (also a very valid selection). Who has dibs to Matt Flynn? This is a question that needs to be answered before the draft.

Cut by the worst bullpen in the majors

Hawkins designated for assignment: To make room on their roster, the Yankees optioned outfielder Brett Gardner to Scranton/Wilkes-Barre and designated reliever LaTroy Hawkins for assignment Saturday.
(Updated 07/26/2008).


Well, that should just about close the book on Easy Gas.

July 26, 2008

Minor League Baseball

This is just getting to be expected. You have some guy flippin' bats and hitting umps (I forget his name), shoe/armpit/dip w/ music playing in the background or this fine classic. Now you have this or for the full length. Oh, and if you aim at an opposing player on the field and throw high and outside and hit a fan in the stands, you should be in the minors.

At about the 2:30 mark, "Go back to Peoria!"

At the end, they just want to play ball.

All these players want to do is play in MLB . . . or for the Royals.

July 23, 2008

July 11, 2008

June 26, 2008

Let me give you tip . . .

Don't do this. It is bad for your career. I will keep him on my team in hopes someone else picks him up, or, if released know that "idle hands do the devil's work". I might win this league by the All Star Break.

June 24, 2008

I can't even keep track anymore II . . .

Dude's name.

I remember watching Auburn games and a fan had a rim that he would spin everytime Cadillac Williams made a play.

I was thinking for this guy, maybe holding up a sub wrapper.

I can't even keep track anymore . . .

It seems like it is 3 or 4 a day. How do you hotwire a car like this? What if you miss curfew for Bears training cam . . .

We-omp.

June 15, 2008

Taking Inventory

Like any good half-ass owner, I have to look at my team once or thrice a season. The league continues to try to work through the Marlin/Devil Ray "flu". Looks like Rincon is anti-assignment. Milton is keeping it real for his team. Kenji plays for the Mariners, so I am sure everything is fine. To replace Rincon, I will take Royce Ring (whenever the time is best, I want Juan's stats).

June 3, 2008

Hey Oliver, How Was Your Day?

Bottom 1st Inning

- R. Winn homered to deep left center
- J. Castillo grounded out to second
- A. Rowand doubled to deep left
- B. Molina singled to left center, A. Rowand scored
- R. Aurilia walked, B. Molina to second
- R. Durham doubled to deep center, R. Aurilia and B. Molina scored
- B. Horwitz homered to deep left center, R. Durham scored
- E. Burriss walked
- C. Vargas relieved O. Perez

That all works out to .1 innings, 2 BBs, 2 HRs, and an ERA of 162.00

All in a days work I guess. Ouch.

June 2, 2008

Yesterday at Mayslacks

I decided to take in the Twins/Yankees at the local tavern. They have expanded the menu and have something name "The Whole Hog". It is a sandwich that consists of pork tenderloin, ham, bacon, pepperjack. Very good with Grain Belt and Onion Rings. I had my last bite as some Canuck hit what was basically an inside the park homer. The outfielders played like they should have had Chico Bail Bonds t-shirts on that one.

The Yankees have a pitcher on their team. #30. I don't know his name, but he is tall and with his motion to the plate, could throw out his back at any time. He is on my radar.

May 30, 2008

8-0

When you're winning 8-0, you're not supposed to lose 10-9. You're not supposed to lose at all.

Rockies.

But look on the bright side, you're associated with ads like this:


May 27, 2008

Pain Train Is Coming

It's really too bad none of us had Corey Patterson...

Because his line from May 25th looked like this:

AB - 8
H - 0
SO - 3
BB - 0


When you go 0 for 8, it's time to think about improving your life.

May 25, 2008

May 22, 2008

He Gives Hope To Us All

Bonus Point?

This is really straddling the line...

LaTroy Hawkins has been suspended three games for throwing an inside, head-high pitch to Baltimore Orioles left fielder Luke Scott


I know he's mad because of the way that his life turned out, but that's no reason to throw at heads!

Yea or nay?

May 20, 2008

Failure signs

  • Your team gives up leads of 4-0 and 5-2
  • With the game tied in the 9th, an error turns a routine ground out to a runner on second base. Now on 3rd with one out, you intentionally walk two players to load the bases and face someone who has a lifetime 1.000 average in bases loaded situations.
  • As expected you lose the game.
I have absolutely no idea who could be the man to mastermind this failure. A failure so knowing and obvious as the later innings arrived, that a fan of another team (a team this man used to manage) predicted this fade long before. Who could it be?




May 16, 2008

No, you don't

(In an older photo, Derrek Lee tells Jim to leave the field)

Jim Edmonds, now a Cub, made this statement before his first game at Wrigley:


"I've got a lot left."


I'm going to guess he was talking about fuck ups.

You know, not that long ago I wrote a deep article on A. Jones and his failures...how his performance in any other occupation would lead to immediate firing...how any sane GM would send him to AAA. (Actually, cutting him so he has to take a job at the motor club isn't a bad idea, either). But I'll admit I wasn't ready for the Cubs to make a signing that, while not similar in terms of cash, is in terms of failure.


"Whatever they need, I'll do it for them."


Right, Jim. You do sound like a guy going from the worst team in baseball to a first place club. Just glad to be helping out, right?


"I got off to a slow start. That's the way it goes."


EXACTLY! That's the way it goes when you have nothing left. Get used to it. Hmm...maybe I should be the one getting used to it? If I was a team facing the Cubs, and knew Jim would be hitting behind Fukudome, I'd put him on base every time so Jim could ground into that double play. Everyone knows that. And all Cub fans and those in the organization kept saying that Felix Pie (Oh, if Harry was around to pronounce that name) is the future CF...that Lou and others have been working on his swing and making it better and better. Guess what? You get to go to Iowa! Because we have Washed Up Washington now on the team! Boy he's quite the "clubhouse presence!"


.181 and now in the line-up




May 14, 2008

Clete replacement

I will take Alexi Casilla (unless someone has him). Alexi might be OK someday, but I saw a bunt caught by the 3rd baseman today.

Some Days Are More Productive Than Others

Some days you really do a lot of work/chores/services etc.

And other days you spend the whole day sifting through old emails because - hey, what else am I going to do.

The Initializer
---------
Wow, ok, Jack Wilson's picture on Sportsline: http://www.sportsline.com/mlb/players/playerpage/181561
Holy goddamn shit.
---------


The Responder
---------
As for Jack "Captain Ugly" Wilson, I think he should probably brush his teeth. Or get braces. You know what? Why doesn't he just go all the way and get a whole new face. Comb your eyebrows kiiiiid!!
---------

Comb your eyebrows, kiiiiiiid!

Wow.

May 11, 2008

Anybody surprised by this?

Seriously? So Rose and Beasley will be gone by time we draft. If this turns out to be true, the Wolves will draft him and he will suck, if it turns out not to be true, we will not have drafted him and he will be an All-Star.

Can't fault him really, can you? Go get your cheddar. And what about Tim Floyd. Yeah, OK.

I could have posted this on the Wolves blog, but . . .

May 8, 2008

I Thought About Putting This In A Different Blog But...

I just wanted to make sure we all had a good laugh at the Atlanta Hawks expense.

THEY DRAFTED MARVIN WILLIAMS INSTEAD OF CHRIS PAUL!!!



AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

They passed on the best point guard of the next decade.

F. Total F.

May 7, 2008

State Of Failure

Not even visitors can keep themselves out of trouble when they visit here.

Let's just hope the newperson got the right Jefferson....

May 5, 2008

Clete

A quick review of my team shows Clete Thomas (one half of the dynamic name duo) has been sent down. Replacement forthcoming.

Anybody have Jacque?

His services are no longer needed by the Tiger baseball organization.

May 4, 2008

Pick!

I think the score when this happened was 39+34 to 39+0.

Perfect.

Does this look like a failure to you?



FIFTH blown save today.

From Sportsline:

Eric Gagne relieved Guillermo Mota.
Wigginton flied out to deep right.
Darin Erstad hit for J.R. Towles.
Erstad singled to center.
Geoff Blum hit for Doug Brocail.
Blum reached on an infield single, Erstad to second.
Bourn walked, Erstad to third, Blum to second.
Matsui grounded out to first, Erstad scored, Blum to third, Bourn to second.
Tejada walked.
Berkman walked, Blum scored, Bourn to third, Tejada to second.



Three walks. The final one scores the tying run. They get in your head, Serge, errrrrrrrrrr?

Only the Royals

I'd be mad too if I played for KC.

He was high on my draft board

He will be even higher now.

Do I just draft all Bears? I guess they are OK with Rex.

May 2, 2008

Where Ridiculous Happens...

Failings From Across The Sea

Courtesy of an old failing soul.

Former Twins Lew Ford and Michael Restovich are struggling in Japan, with Ford hitting .206 for the Hanshin Tigers and Restovich being dropped for "readjustment" from the Fukuoka Softbank Hawks major league team to the minors.

So yeah. That's pretty bad.


Here are the respective team logos:



Always Look For The Silver Lining

Sometimes when things are going bad for you, there's a little flash of success. A little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, you can pull yourself out of this tailspin. Or atleast take a little something positive from a bad day.

Enter Jack Cust.

4-4 on the night with a homerun and a couple RBI. Not good. For me anyways. No strike outs, no failing. Statistically anyways. He did have a pretty bad error(video in the box score).


That made me feel a little better.


So does this picture:

May 1, 2008

I'll Take The 44 Year Old Junkballer, Please

Matt Morris is gone.

Jamie Moyer somehow still goes on.

Consider it done.

From Sportsline:

Phillies SP Jamie Moyer allowed a two-run homer in the first inning Wednesday to Adrian Gonzalez and pitched 5 1/3 shaky innings during a 4-2 loss against the Padres. Moyer later allowed a solo home run to Kevin Kouzmanoff in the third inning which ended up being the game winner. Moyer was charged with nine hits, four runs and one walk. He struck out one.


Gorgeous.

April 29, 2008

Broken ankles?

I had trouble with this one. I couldn't tell if the defender fell or got his ankles broken at the 25 second mark. Either way, I think I will load up on the Celts in Game 5 since Zaza and KG had to talk about it.

Jesus might be the reason for the season, but . . .

he is the cog that makes this blog.

Note: This is the first time I have ever gone to TMZ. I got this link off of the Strib. Thank you.

The Picture of Failure


Raging anger is not an emotion usually seen at Dodger Stadium. Good crowds usually show up because going to a game is usually viewed as a family night out, a visit from an out of town friend, or sometimes a lack of better things to do. And even when the team is average, or just plain bad, you don't hear a lot of negativity. That's saved for the off-season when everyone wakes up and says "Grady Little? He was really the manager? Seriously, who was the...no, dude..."

So, outside of a churro shortage or accident in the parking lot, you don't hear the negativity. That is until Andruw Jones was signed by the team.

Immediately, there was concern by the fans out here. Comparisons were made to Joe Willie signing with the Rams well past his prime, but then everyone remembered that Namath fucking ruled & needed to be out here to work on the sequel to C.C. & Company. But Jones...where do you begin? (We're looking beyond his name misspelling) The man was an all star and quite the player in his day. And by "the day" we're talking about those days where Trip eyed Campbell's Pork & Beans "4 for $1" special at CVS because internships don't pay money. That was 9 years ago. But this "day" continued for many years...some could even say as recently as two years ago, where he was hitting 41 dongs and getting a gold glove while I dined on lamb chops. So, you see, he was a high quality player as the world evolved.

But there is a difference with time. Just like a "sell by" date and "fresh by" date. What most started to sense, even smell, is that this milk was turning into cottage cheese. Last season someone also left the fridge door open (this happens in Georgia from time to time, we're told). So, at his age, a fading but glorious career, you might think he would get some fielding work off the bench with a team; maybe as a pinch hitter or occasional DH in the American League, right?

Well, $36,000,000 later, Jones arrived in LA with an "Oh no!" from the fans. Lest we forget Nomar "I'm injured" Garciaparra, Davey "I'm really awake" Johnson, and Darryl "Sniff" Strawberry have all shown up within the last 20 years in a similar fashion. And the astute Dodger fans scream "liability" and know what's coming. And, so it has. Each and EVERY time to the plate he is greeted with indifference and SOUNDLY booed as he strikes out yet again. Or grounds out. Vin won't say anything. This is his way, and I wouldn't want him to change. As Jones get screamed at by thousands, Vin says "Say friends, 50 years with the Dodgers. We're talking about Los Angeles and Farmer John Dodger Dogs...next Friday is balloon night." Those B teams on the radio talk him up as he makes a routine catch in the outfield, neglecting to mention that he'll be up at the start of the coming inning to strike out yet again. (Here's a failure stat - in his last 10 games, he's struck out in 42% of his at-bats.)

I could go on, but:

.159 and still in the lineup


Torii Hunter optioned to Triple-F

After an "awful" start to the season, CF Torii Hunter has been optioned to the minors.




"The problem with letting your bullpen catcher run the draft for you, is that you sometimes end up with too much success," said Shortbus Drivers GM, Gib Dankinson.

He will be replaced on the roster by up-and-coming Daric Barton, who strikes out in 1 of every 3.9 AB, putting him on pace for 150 Ks. That and look how he spells his name.

"Hey, he was second on the board, but a guy with Hunter's injury record and propensity for strike outs was worth the risk," said bullpen catcher Dave Sliznewski. "I screwed up, but now we've made the necessary changes and I can go back to working with our guys in the bullpen. Eating hotdogs and chugging Budweiser."




--Zing Donkers, Failure Gazette

April 28, 2008

How do you golf?

Ozarks. Check.
Hog football. Check.
Shirt.
Shoes.
John Daly. Check.

Kind of jealous, really.

Zito Ackbar Teezo!

That is my attempt at Arabic.

Anyway, I'm going to go out on a limb and give myself a bonus point for this.

"It's an option, for sure," Bochy said after the game. "We have to do something different, there's no getting around that. We can't keep doing what we are doing. We have to get this guy right."
Anyway, when a guy gets sent to the bullpen, I don't think that's necessarily grounds for a bonus point, however this is a different deal. They signed him to a 126 million dollar contract. He was the highest paid pitcher in all of baseball. THEY SIGNED HIM BEFORE LAST SEASON. This would be like the Mets putting Senor Gasolina in the pen next year. I think in this case, this is the closest they can possibly come to optioning him to AAA. I mean, they can't cut him, and Jesus knows they can't trade him. So what do you do when you want a guy whom you are giving 18 million dollars a year to STOP PITCHING? You put him in the bullpen.

Fan fucking tastic. Redraft? Yeah right.

God do I have good pitchers.

April 27, 2008

How Do You Spell "Bonus Point"?

You spell it M-A-T-T.

Beautiful. I will mull my replacement..... please let Liriano be back by May.

April 25, 2008

I Was A Little Nervous...

...That Nani was right about the Royals. Then the past 10 days happened.

0-7

During that stretch they're giving up 8.14 runs per game. In the three home games they played they drew an average of 13,146 fans. According to ESPN that's 32% of capacity.

Thanks guys. Thank you for making me feel better about my selection.

Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks

April 22, 2008

Jailhouse Gets Empty

And so it goes.

The 2007-2008 NBA season passes into memory, and along with it go some of the greatest failures of all time. I can't say enough about the sheer amount of bad basketball we witnessed this season. Jake Voskuhl, Randolph Morris, Oleksiy Pecherov (no, my keyboard is not stuck on "Cyrillic", that's a real name) just to name a few. And then there were the Timberwolves. Just a great season all around.

Before we get into the standings, let's run through a breakdown of each team, hoping to identify their highs and lows (mostly the lows) and gear up for next year (OH PLEASE LET ME TAKE MCCANTS) :

Pleads No Contest

On paper, this is the best team out there. Zach Randolph (more on him in a bit) leads the squad with simply mind-blowing numbers. Sebastian Telfair represented the "Potential To Bring A Loaded Weapon To The Airport" member of the team. Antoine Walker shot, and then shot some more. Then he decided it would be best for everyone involved if he fired up some more shots. Darrick Martin (yes, THAT Darrick Martin) scored zero points for TWO months in a row. And of course, there was Pechy.



Oleksiy Pecherov is quite simply the greatest player ever drafted in this league. One look at that face tells you all you need to know.

Alas, it was a rough season for Pleads No Contest. They were done in by their choice of team - the Orlando Magic - and by a teamwide lack of turnovers and abundance of scoring. Despite having a team full of guys that everyone can agree are total failures, they couldn't move up in the standings.

Advice for next year: more Euro-trash.

Groin - Out Indefinitely

When you start your team with Darko Milicic, you're going in the right direction. Groin had a solid squad of ghetto ballers, but they just couldn't overcome the strong play of Sam Dalembert and Jannero Pargo down the stretch. Also, their team - the Atlanta Hawks - actually made the playoffs, which I suppose is bound to happen when the conference they play in might as well feature the Arkansas Rim-Rockers (Scottie Thurman, UP!). I think Groin has a lot to build on for next year, and they seemed to just have been unfortunate on their players performing WELL beyond expectations. I think we can count on some serious regression next season.

Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath

They started their draft right, taking The Only Player To Ever Charge Into The Stands And Beat The Holy Piss Out Of A Fan During A Basketball Contest. The man with the eyes too close together came next. And their team - the Los Angeles Clippers - outplayed everyone but the Timberwolves, failing to win a single game at home in April. All in all, it was a great year, eclipsed only by the eventual champion. Vin faded down the stretch though, as guys like Marko and Earl Watson began performing reasonably well. Next year the key is going to be getting those "shots missed" up, and sticking to guys like Jason Collins aka Unable To Score.

Whore Island

Pulling up the rear end, seemingly without anyone who can commit a foul, and plagued by a team that showed great moxie down the stretch - the Philadelphia 76ers - it was a terrible year for Whore Island. Raymond Felton, Ben Gordon, Josh Smith.... these are the names of failures who should be falling all over themselves to wreck their team's chances at victory. And for the most part, their teams failed miserably. However, they themselves put up good numbers, and Whore Island was handicapped right from the beginning. Next year, try drafting someone like Rasho. He likes to foul in large numbers.

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town

What more can you say? A perfect season by a perfect group of failures. Let's break it down:

Ben Wallace - Well, he can't score. He averaged 5.4 points per 48 minutes in December. He was traded to Cleveland, where he scored even less. He can't shoot free throws either. He's old and broken, and is a role player who is best when the other 4 guys on the floor are better than him. So he's perfect for this league.

Jamaal Tinsley / Damon Stoudemire - Do we need to cover these guys? All you really need to know is that they turn the ball over more times than you can afford if you want your team to be successful at life.

Chris Kaman - He fouls a lot, misses a lot of games, and looks like Chris Kaman.

Derek Anderson - The true diamond in the rough. He plays in an average of 4 games per month (leads the league in games missed), absolutely refuses to score the basketball (failed to score a single point in April), turns it over and fouls with regular consistency, and for being old, still hucks it up at a fair rate. He's truly the perfect storm of a failure NBA player. We all need to be on the lookout for more Derek Andersons next year.

Zaza Pachulia -


Enough said.

And then there was the matter of their team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. Well, they consistently led the league in every failure statistic: they couldn't win at home (or at all), they allowed a ton of points, and they couldn't draw fans in (their biggest crowd was Boston, and KG wasn't even in the building. Weomp.) It was this failure from their team that gave Eddie Telfair the true push over the top, not allowing anyone to come within 20 points of their totals. Stellar!

Baskets n Bullets

They started out slow and closed out strong. How? Do the names DJ Mbenga and Jake Voskuhl ring a bell? No? Well, good. Because they were the unsung heroes of the failure league this year; the true lunchpail guys who just go in, foul like hell, and sit back down on the bench until the next time they get to yell out "TACO!" for a few thousand dollars.

And then there was the issue of their team, the New York Knicks. We've all seen what the Knicks have done this year to their fans and casual followers of the sport, and so it goes without saying that having them represent your failure team is like drafting Mike Fuckabee in the Failure Politics league. The Knicks stumbled and stammered all season, failing to go on any sort of meaningful run, and then at the end they just plain gave up. In many ways, they were far far worse than the Wolves. Think about it: at least the Wolves tried down the stretch. They're young and dumb, but they exude effort. The Knicks didn't care about winning, sure, but at the end, THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT PLAYING BASKETBALL ANYMORE. I don't think more than 2 or 3 players on that team even LIKE to play basketball anymore. And I'm absolutely sure that their coach - if he was even coaching - was playing a sport very very different from the basketball we all know and love. All in all, they were by far the most entertaining team choice, and accumulating stats for them was like counting how much candy you get on Easter.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

And so, without further interruption, the final totals:

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 165
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 127
Baskets and Bullets - 125
Pleads No Contest - 113
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 108
Whore Island - 104

--------------------------------------------------------------------

And for the Isaiah Rider failure award winner, I present a simple video. This is the entire season, the entire league, hell this is FAILURE at its most clearly defined. Enjoy.


April 20, 2008

Royal Flush

Milwaukee's Royal Ivey was suspended three games by the NBA on Wednesday for punching Chicago's Aaron Gray in the groin. The altercation happened with 10:48 left in the second quarter of the Bucks' 151-135 loss to the Bulls on Monday. Ivey will miss the Bucks' season finale against Minnesota on Wednesday and the first two regular-season games he is eligible to play next season.


BONUS POINT!

Big Hurt

I will keep him on my team. I will see if he can repeat what Kim did last year.

Go Team.

How old are you?

Why so mad?

I think this is worth a bonus point.

April 16, 2008

A comment from the Sportsline "Glog"


How is this clown Fartlett in the majors ? he swings at a 2-0 pitch 3 feet off the plate then dribbles into a dp now hitting .184. for that matter how can the coaches give him a green light to even swing 2-0 w/ runners on ? pathetic


Beautiful.

April 13, 2008

Failure Baseball 2008 Rosters

The draft, as always, went off with all the proper errors and mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we didn't all field damn worthy teams. Here are the lineups for the 2008 season, highlighted by a guy name Ubaldo.

Best. Pick. Ever.

-------------------------------------------------------

Bacon n Butter (gee I wonder who's team that is)

Team
Texas Rangers

Pitchers
Scott Olsen
Shawn Chacon
Juan Rincon
Andy Sonnanstine
Ubaldo Jimenez

Hitters
Adam Dunn
Dan Uggla
Andruw Jones
Frank Thomas
Paul Konerko
Carlos Lee
Kenji Johijima
Clete Thomas
AJ Pierzinski

Outright Release

Team
Pittsburgh Pirates

Pitchers
Gil Meche
Todd Wellemeyer
C.C. Sabathia
Brett Myers
Chad Gaudin

Hitters
David Ortiz
Russell Martin
Jack Hannahan
Adam LaRoche
Jose Guillen
Ronnie Belliard
Troy Tulowitzki
Gary Matthews
Matt Diaz

The Jesus Sanchez

Team
Florida Marlins

Pitchers
Jose Contreras
Barry Zito
Matt Morris
LaTroy Hawkins
John Danks

Hitters
Adam Everett
Richie Sexson
Juan Uribe
Elijah Dukes
Delmon Young
Gary Sheffield
Jason Bay
Rich Aurilia
Rick Ankiel

The Short Bus Drivers

Team
Kansas City Royals

Pitchers
Daniel Cabrera
Bob Howry
Eric Gagne
Zach Miner
Andrew Miller

Hitters
Jason Bartlett
Jack Cust
Julio Lugo
Khalil Greene
Ryan Howard
Torii Hunter
Bill Hall
Rickie Weeks
Adrian Beltre

Billz

Team
Tampa Bay

Pitchers
Jeff Francis
A.J. Burnett
Paul Maholm
Adam Loewen
Kyle Lohse

Hitters
Miguel Tejada
Ray Durham
Travis Buck
Hunter Pence
Chris B. Young
Austin Kearns
Vladimir Guererro
David Eckstein
Mike Lamb

---------------------------------------------------

So that's it! We've pretty much got every base covered - drug users, easy outs, strikeout machines, pitching machines, and even a guy named Todd. So let the failing begin!

April 11, 2008

Failing As Much As Michael Restovich

I mean, you can't really blame him... just look at his face.

Anyway, the draft is this Sunday, the 13th, at 9pm central time. Join in by AOL chat, same format as always. I think my first pick would be something named "Brian Bass".

April 9, 2008

Unsabermetric

That is how we will be drafting tomorrow. Take that Bill James. You don't have formulas for this. We do. There are four formulas:
F.
A.
I.
L.

March 18, 2008

Mercy Is For The Weak

Sometimes you think you've seen all the failure there is to behold. You watch the Knicks, and wonder how they can even have a team anymore, let alone actually compete in basketball. You see guys like J.R. Rider and Eddie Griffin, wastes of careers and lives. You see coaches like PJ Carlesimo, wondering if he could coach himself to go to the bathroom in the proper place, never mind 5 grown men to play a game.

And then you watch the Timberwolves play a game of basketball.

Who involved with this organization is not a failure?

Owner? Check.
The only saving grace is that he won't move the team. But, as the days go on, I'm getting to care less and less.

General Manager? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Coach? Oh god yes.
Worst. Coaching. Record. Ever.

And then there is the host of losers that actually play the basketball... guys who weren't good in college, aren't very good now, and won't grow to be any good in the NBA because of the aforementioned failure coach.

Hey great!

-----------------------------------------------------

The Numbers:

JANUARY

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 28
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 23
Whore Island - 21
Baskets and Bullets - 21
Pleads No Contest - 15
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 14

FEBRUARY

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 26
Baskets and Bullets - 25
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21
Pleads No Contest - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 18
Whore Island - 16

--------------------------------------------

As you can see by the updated standings on the sidebar, Eddie Telfair is running away with the lead, and it makes perfect sense. His team is the Wolves. They don't draw shit, they can't win at home, and they refuse to play what is known as "defense". Add it up to a guaranteed win each month in most of the team categories. It also doesn't hurt that he employs someone with the first name "Zaza" on his team.

As far as the failure of the month, I am taking the unprecedented step of COMBINING January and February and giving the awards to one player who exemplifies what this league is all about (minus the drinking and driving into oncoming trains).

Ladies and gentlemen:

JAKE VOSKUHL!

(third from left)

Jake is truly the measuring stick by which all other failures should be judged. In January, he played in 9 games, tallying 64 minutes. He somehow managed to accumulate 22 fouls in that span. That played out for an average of 16.5 fouls per 48 minutes. Amazingly, he didn't even lead his own TEAM in fouls per 48, as that was held by DJ "TACO!" Mbenga, who had an average of 18.6 fouls. Quite a cast of losers on Baskets and Bullets this year, that's for sure.

But back to Jake: To go with his 16.5 fouls, he also averaged 6 points, and a stunning 4.5 turnovers. He missed 8 games as well. Talk about filling the stat sheet! Then in February, he played in only 4 games, tallying 7 minutes. Now, when you play in 7 minutes during the month, the following is what you should not acquire: 3 turnovers and 1 foul. Because if you do, you're going to average 20.6 and 6.9, respectively. AND, if you do accumulate those things during your 7 minutes, you should try to at least score one single point. Which Jake did not do. Meaning he averages 0.0 points per 48 minutes, which is truly outstanding.

So here's to you Jake! You sit on the bench for an entire month, and when called upon, you fill up the books with the wrong kind of stats! Wish you were on my team!

February 12, 2008

A reason why we have this blog

How's your family? Life is hard sometimes. Looks like someone should have said yes to a contract back in the day.

February 1, 2008

We On A Plane

Folks, I'm out for a month, until mid-March, so those failure NBA stats will be on hold until then. Email me with any substitutions, and they'll all go in retroactively when I get back.

By the time we meet again, the Wolves may have won 15 games. Holy christ.

January 24, 2008

"It ain't got no gas in it". "You see? He always thinks of the simplest things first"

Isn't there enough failures in this family?

Note for 2011 Fantasy Draft: YES.

Mike Senior's other son? His name is Baker, and he didn't quite make it to the show. He ended up playing for the Martixx Magixx in the Netherlands. Then again, that sounds better than where Mike Jr. is playing right now. I bet all of Baker's teammates tried.

January 18, 2008

Pechy in the hizzie

He's playing.

I win.

Chalk it up.

He starts in place of Randolph Morris starting February.

January 12, 2008

Many questions

About this.
1st. The Hawks are "playoff contenders", safeguards of the 8th spot currently? Looks like the East hasn't changed.
2nd. Why are the Hawks getting fined? Is this Russia, this isn't Russia.
3rd. Learn how to count to 6, refs.
4rd. Sometimes when you win, you lose.

January 7, 2008

The Thing About Guns Is...

It's against the law to wave them threateningly at your cab driver

He'll always have that Dunk Contest Championship though, right?

We Like To Ride On Executive Planes

Admittedly, it's been an uneven season here in the land of the White Blanket. Last year greeted us with the news that the Golden Gophers had hired a Real, Live, Actual Coach, one that would coach a basketball team of players who would play basketball, rather than a small weaselly half-man coaching 12 high-on-ether leftovers who weren't recruited by the big powers in the midwest: South Dakota State and Mesabi Junior College (Iron Range UP!). This was good news. We rode that wave into July, when a dumb man (rhymes with Ren Sailor) allowed an even dumber man (rhymes with Jacknuts Fuckhead) to trade the only good thing that has ever existed regarding basketball in the state of Minnesota (Mikan not withstanding).

I was in Boston when this happened, and I've since written more than a few thousand words on the topic, so I don't care to go into it here. Suffice it to say:

1. I would wish McHale death.... if he weren't already a reanimated corpse.
2. Sebastian Telfair is the on-court leader for the Wolves now.
3. Randy Wittman is the kind of guy who tells everyone he is "from" Minneapolis when he in fact was raised in Edina and now lives in Bloomington. That is to say: he is a goddamned loser.

And so we go into this Failure Basketball season with a little more incentive to find the true scumbags, we root a little harder for our own team to fail (note to Eddie Telfair: WISE CHOICE ON YOUR TEAM), we celebrate the awfulness, the dark curtain that has descended on this region. Let's face it, we've always been more comfortable pulling for losers in this state - an entire regiment of purple-clad dipshits can vouch - and so this is just natural.

The season is underway. Let's revel in the degeneration of a sport.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The stats:

November
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 31
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21

Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19

Baskets and Bullets - 18
Pleads No Contest - 17
Whore Island - 17

December
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 25
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 24

Pleads No Contest - 21

Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19

Baskets and Bullets - 18

Whore Island - 14



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Now to highlight some of the stats. One of the things that makes this league and others like it great are putting in perspective just how bad some professional athletes are compared to others. For example, in the month of December, Antoine Walker missed 20 shots per 48 minutes. No one else in the league got above 16. That means that Antoine walker, when he is on the floor, misses a shot every two minutes. Not just takes a shot. Misses one.

If you took the starting five for Baskets and Bullets in November and had them play a 48 minute game, they would accumulate THIRTY FOUR fouls. That's almost 7 per player. That's every single member of your team fouling out.

In December, the squad from Baskets and Bullets averaged 57.6 points per 48 minutes. The owners of teams in this league could get together and play a game against these scumbags, and we would likely defeat them. 57 points is below many teams' records for fewest points scored in a game.

And finally, the squad from Pleads No Contest - in our mythical 48 minute game - would miss 64.5 shots per game. To put that in perspective: the Wolves got absolutely torn open in their last game against Dallas, and they only missed 47 shots. Watching that game was like watching someone vomiting for 2 hours... and imagine if they would've missed 20 more shots. Ryan Gomes would've broken his wrist.

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As has been custom in the other leagues, we will be highlighting a unique player each month and presenting an award based on extraordinary failure. As this is the first post of the season (someone likey drinky too much!), there will be two. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present the first two winners of the J.R. Rider Failure Of The Month Award to:




Joel Przybilla and Zaza Pachulia!

First, Joel. Well, it's been a great career for Big Minnesota. Lucky for him he doesn't have to study anymore! Stupid books, where's Ganglehoff? Joel, in case you didn't know, dropped out of college because his coach was fired for encouraging his players to cheat on exams and classwork. When his new coach made him study and learn, he decided he'd had enough! It was off to the NBA!

In the month of November, Joel averaged 4.2 turnovers per 48 minutes, with an astounding 7.7 fouls as well. That's fantastic. He only scored 13.2 points per 48, making him ineffective by nearly every measure of quality you could use in the sport.


And then there is Zaza.

First, there is the matter of his face.





Secondly, in the month of December, Zaza averaged 5.6 turnovers and 7 fouls. This may seem like a high number, but in Tbilisi - where Zaza was born - they allow 8 fouls per game. So he would just have to sit out for a few minutes at the end of every half, then he's good to go. Zaza plays for the Hawks, which makes me and everyone in this league happy. He's a Georgian playing in Georgia! (wince)