Jailhouse Gets Empty

And so it goes.

The 2007-2008 NBA season passes into memory, and along with it go some of the greatest failures of all time. I can't say enough about the sheer amount of bad basketball we witnessed this season. Jake Voskuhl, Randolph Morris, Oleksiy Pecherov (no, my keyboard is not stuck on "Cyrillic", that's a real name) just to name a few. And then there were the Timberwolves. Just a great season all around.

Before we get into the standings, let's run through a breakdown of each team, hoping to identify their highs and lows (mostly the lows) and gear up for next year (OH PLEASE LET ME TAKE MCCANTS) :

Pleads No Contest

On paper, this is the best team out there. Zach Randolph (more on him in a bit) leads the squad with simply mind-blowing numbers. Sebastian Telfair represented the "Potential To Bring A Loaded Weapon To The Airport" member of the team. Antoine Walker shot, and then shot some more. Then he decided it would be best for everyone involved if he fired up some more shots. Darrick Martin (yes, THAT Darrick Martin) scored zero points for TWO months in a row. And of course, there was Pechy.



Oleksiy Pecherov is quite simply the greatest player ever drafted in this league. One look at that face tells you all you need to know.

Alas, it was a rough season for Pleads No Contest. They were done in by their choice of team - the Orlando Magic - and by a teamwide lack of turnovers and abundance of scoring. Despite having a team full of guys that everyone can agree are total failures, they couldn't move up in the standings.

Advice for next year: more Euro-trash.

Groin - Out Indefinitely

When you start your team with Darko Milicic, you're going in the right direction. Groin had a solid squad of ghetto ballers, but they just couldn't overcome the strong play of Sam Dalembert and Jannero Pargo down the stretch. Also, their team - the Atlanta Hawks - actually made the playoffs, which I suppose is bound to happen when the conference they play in might as well feature the Arkansas Rim-Rockers (Scottie Thurman, UP!). I think Groin has a lot to build on for next year, and they seemed to just have been unfortunate on their players performing WELL beyond expectations. I think we can count on some serious regression next season.

Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath

They started their draft right, taking The Only Player To Ever Charge Into The Stands And Beat The Holy Piss Out Of A Fan During A Basketball Contest. The man with the eyes too close together came next. And their team - the Los Angeles Clippers - outplayed everyone but the Timberwolves, failing to win a single game at home in April. All in all, it was a great year, eclipsed only by the eventual champion. Vin faded down the stretch though, as guys like Marko and Earl Watson began performing reasonably well. Next year the key is going to be getting those "shots missed" up, and sticking to guys like Jason Collins aka Unable To Score.

Whore Island

Pulling up the rear end, seemingly without anyone who can commit a foul, and plagued by a team that showed great moxie down the stretch - the Philadelphia 76ers - it was a terrible year for Whore Island. Raymond Felton, Ben Gordon, Josh Smith.... these are the names of failures who should be falling all over themselves to wreck their team's chances at victory. And for the most part, their teams failed miserably. However, they themselves put up good numbers, and Whore Island was handicapped right from the beginning. Next year, try drafting someone like Rasho. He likes to foul in large numbers.

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town

What more can you say? A perfect season by a perfect group of failures. Let's break it down:

Ben Wallace - Well, he can't score. He averaged 5.4 points per 48 minutes in December. He was traded to Cleveland, where he scored even less. He can't shoot free throws either. He's old and broken, and is a role player who is best when the other 4 guys on the floor are better than him. So he's perfect for this league.

Jamaal Tinsley / Damon Stoudemire - Do we need to cover these guys? All you really need to know is that they turn the ball over more times than you can afford if you want your team to be successful at life.

Chris Kaman - He fouls a lot, misses a lot of games, and looks like Chris Kaman.

Derek Anderson - The true diamond in the rough. He plays in an average of 4 games per month (leads the league in games missed), absolutely refuses to score the basketball (failed to score a single point in April), turns it over and fouls with regular consistency, and for being old, still hucks it up at a fair rate. He's truly the perfect storm of a failure NBA player. We all need to be on the lookout for more Derek Andersons next year.

Zaza Pachulia -


Enough said.

And then there was the matter of their team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. Well, they consistently led the league in every failure statistic: they couldn't win at home (or at all), they allowed a ton of points, and they couldn't draw fans in (their biggest crowd was Boston, and KG wasn't even in the building. Weomp.) It was this failure from their team that gave Eddie Telfair the true push over the top, not allowing anyone to come within 20 points of their totals. Stellar!

Baskets n Bullets

They started out slow and closed out strong. How? Do the names DJ Mbenga and Jake Voskuhl ring a bell? No? Well, good. Because they were the unsung heroes of the failure league this year; the true lunchpail guys who just go in, foul like hell, and sit back down on the bench until the next time they get to yell out "TACO!" for a few thousand dollars.

And then there was the issue of their team, the New York Knicks. We've all seen what the Knicks have done this year to their fans and casual followers of the sport, and so it goes without saying that having them represent your failure team is like drafting Mike Fuckabee in the Failure Politics league. The Knicks stumbled and stammered all season, failing to go on any sort of meaningful run, and then at the end they just plain gave up. In many ways, they were far far worse than the Wolves. Think about it: at least the Wolves tried down the stretch. They're young and dumb, but they exude effort. The Knicks didn't care about winning, sure, but at the end, THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT PLAYING BASKETBALL ANYMORE. I don't think more than 2 or 3 players on that team even LIKE to play basketball anymore. And I'm absolutely sure that their coach - if he was even coaching - was playing a sport very very different from the basketball we all know and love. All in all, they were by far the most entertaining team choice, and accumulating stats for them was like counting how much candy you get on Easter.

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And so, without further interruption, the final totals:

Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 165
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 127
Baskets and Bullets - 125
Pleads No Contest - 113
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 108
Whore Island - 104

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And for the Isaiah Rider failure award winner, I present a simple video. This is the entire season, the entire league, hell this is FAILURE at its most clearly defined. Enjoy.