I Was Born In This Hotel

It's quick, it's dirty, it's the holidays so you know we've got gravy out back and hog goin' round the spit.

The standings:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 14
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 14
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 13
The Cleveland Steamers - 9
Gary Anderson Made Life Not Fun Anymore - 3

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If you're travelling near Lebanon, Tennessee, you can stop off and visit the prestigious Cumberland University, home of the Fighting Bulldogs. Their motto appears to be "Be Different. Be Competitive. Be Involved."

In 1916 the Cumberland Bulldogs went to Georgia Tech to play a college football game. They were competitive alright, scoring zero points and allowing the Engineers to score 222 points in the most lopsided contest in sports history.

What is the point of all that?

The point is that this week, Chris Redman joined Cumberland in holding what is known as the Perfect Zero.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Chris Redman!

Right off the bat, I'm executing my bonus-giving privileges and awarding The Smelly Pirate Hookers two bonus points for Chris' play. Now, we all would like to see bonus points handed out weekly for such off the field incidents as pooping in someone's hamper, driving drunk from the police, or crashing your Ferrari and then just walking away from it. But those things aren't happening with any regularity this year (screw you Goodell!). But one thing we always reward here is failure. And so, with that understood, I think we can all agree that this week by Chris Redman was without a doubt the highest amount of failure for the season, and perhaps of all time.

Let's take a look at these numbers:

First, he threw 15 passes. He completed 4 of them.

He had a grand total of 34 yards passing. Yes, he played the entire game.

He threw two interceptions. And he lost one fumble. That's three turnovers and 4 passes complete.

His team lost 37-3 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the week after their coach abandoned them to go coach in Arkansas.

But the best statistic, the true holy grail of all failure fantasy sports...

HIS QUARTERBACK RATING WAS ZERO.

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I don't know how we can go on. We've achieved perfection. The geniuses who invented the heavily-diluted QB Rating formula have seen fit to award Chris Redman a big fat ZERO. Does that mean that they would've been better suited just snapping directly to the running back on every play? Almost certainly. At any rate, for his wonderful performance and for making us all believe in this league and its future, I am awarding The Hookers an unprecedented 2 bonus points, and giving this week's Failure Award to Mr. Chris Redman. Enjoy the Arena League, Chris!