This blog is primarily used to highlight individual failures and the failure leagues we participate in, however I think we can all get behind this list.
Here are the favorites who failed to cover their point spreads in NCAA football today:
1. USC
2. LSU
3. Oklahoma
4. Florida
5. West Virginia
7. Texas
8. Ohio State
9. Wisconsin
10. Rutgers
12. BC
13. Clemson
That's.... that's not going to pay the gas-man come October. Of the top 12 teams that played, 11 didn't cover. This is supposed to be the era of the BCS, when you goddamned scumbags have to blow out the lesser teams to have a shot at the Fiesta or whatever the christ bowl it's going to be. You're not supposed to lose to Kansas State.
And like that, Auburn looks like the class and Oklahoma is looking like the good pick in the pool. I suppose you could just say it's one week, but I got my ass handed to me last week too. At least there's a rumor that T-Jack might start tomorrow, and if that's the case I'll bet my whole entire life on the Pack. Of course, as they say in Let It Ride, the minimum bet is 2 dollars, so I've got to come up with some extra.
September 30, 2007
September 27, 2007
Maybe I can win the NL Central
"Here, I will lose, so you go to the playoffs."
"No, no, you tried to win, but you failed . . . I will lose for you tonight."
"Nah. You almost won your game . . . you only lost by 3, you should win the division."
"Please, you almost had win streak this past month."
Christ.
"No, no, you tried to win, but you failed . . . I will lose for you tonight."
"Nah. You almost won your game . . . you only lost by 3, you should win the division."
"Please, you almost had win streak this past month."
Christ.
September 26, 2007
Stub your toe?
I thought about this for quite some time. He belonged to all of us. But . . . this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, Danny. Due to my failing to pick a bad back up to Wrecks (Rex), I have to dump Rex and pick up somebody. Somebody who is worthy of replacing a Duante Culpepper Award winner. I know Flancrest Enterprises . . . doh! I take Duante.
September 25, 2007
He's an accomplished pianist
Two cars parked on the overpass,
Rocks hit the water like broken glass
I should have known right then it was too good to last
God, its such a drag when you're livin' in the past
Rocks hit the water like broken glass
I should have known right then it was too good to last
God, its such a drag when you're livin' in the past
"You see, this isn't how the Bears wanted to start that drive"
Week three is down the hatch like some stale Pucker, so it's time to tally up the results. We had a pretty good week of failure, and the top of the standings are now a bit more bunched up. Hey, you teams on the bottom, get better at failing!
The biggest surprise of the week was Joey "Joe" Harrington, who would easily qualify for the anti-Daunte Culpepper award (would we call that the Brad Johnson award?) with his performance on Sunday. "Joe" had a 110.1 rating, for christ sake! Most astonishing of all... he failed to throw an interception. That's like a day without sunshine.
The stats for this week:
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 19
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 17
The Cleveland Steamers - 14
Gary Anderson - If You Would've Made That One Field Goal My Life Might've Turned Out OK - 12
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 9
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A few good candidates for this week's Daunte Culpepper award - unlike last week when it was like choosing the best player on the Cavaliers roster - and so I think I should throw out two honorable mentions:
JP Losman - Buffalo Bills QB
What did the old Loserman do to deserve mention? On the very first play of the game he "sprained" his knee (results are pending... but needless to say he was on crutches after the game)... then thought it would be a GOOD IDEA to keep playing. He stayed in the game for two more plays and then left for good. But before he did, he found time to complete one pass and FUMBLE THE BALL. That's great! "Hey dudes, my knee really hurts and I can't move around... you know what we should do? Pass a lot!"
Note to The Steamers - feel free to re-draft, as I'm thinking the tests on that knee aren't going to be encouraging.
Rudi Johnson - Cincinnati Bengals RB
Well let's see. His team lost - that's a plus right out of the gates. His longest rush from scrimmage was 5 yards - which is what GOOD players average. He rushed the ball 17 times for 9 yards. That's .5 yards per carry. That, my friends, is outSTANDING. For The Steamers, their other running back didn't play, so that average is what they ended up with for the week. That's phenomenal. You know when you've got a guy on your team who can only run 1.5 feet every time he touches the ball, you've got a real life-winner.
Those two were great, but they pretty much all pale in comparison to the one, the only...
Sexy Rex!
What a week for the Bears quarterback. He was 15 for 32, which checks in at less than 50%, which is lower than Jon Kitna, and is also coincidentally lower than ME when I played for the Bears. His rating was an eye-popping 27.5, which in front of a national audience may as well just be zero. He threw three interceptions, which is great by itself, but the one in the 4th quarter is what sealed his fate as this week's winner.
The previous drive, the Cowboys had recovered a Bears fumble (not Sexy Rex, unfortunately) and Madden and Michaels were heard to comment numerous times about how the Bears defense looked tired, and they just wanted to get off the field and get the ball to their offense and take a breather. So the Cowboys kick a field goal, and they kick off. Hester promptly drops the kickoff. But then it's magic time. The Sex Cannon aims for Mr. Muhammad (in the same way you might "aim" for the toilet after a night of putting away 2 Mickey's 40s... that is to say, ain't no chance in hell you're connecting) and throws the ball right to Anthony Henry, which would be cool, if he played for Chicago, but he doesn't, he plays for Dallas, and Mr. Henry goes walking up the sidelines for an easy touchdown. That took a 10 point game and turned it into a rout in the making, and Dallas never looked back.
To top it all off, nobody on the Bears can say for sure if Rex is going to start at quarterback for them this week. Bring back Orton!
So Rex, for directly contributing to your team's non-success, and then failing yourself right out of a starting job, you earn this week's Daunte Culpepper Outstanding Performance In Failing award!
The biggest surprise of the week was Joey "Joe" Harrington, who would easily qualify for the anti-Daunte Culpepper award (would we call that the Brad Johnson award?) with his performance on Sunday. "Joe" had a 110.1 rating, for christ sake! Most astonishing of all... he failed to throw an interception. That's like a day without sunshine.
The stats for this week:
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 19
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 17
The Cleveland Steamers - 14
Gary Anderson - If You Would've Made That One Field Goal My Life Might've Turned Out OK - 12
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 9
-------------------------------------------------
A few good candidates for this week's Daunte Culpepper award - unlike last week when it was like choosing the best player on the Cavaliers roster - and so I think I should throw out two honorable mentions:
JP Losman - Buffalo Bills QB
What did the old Loserman do to deserve mention? On the very first play of the game he "sprained" his knee (results are pending... but needless to say he was on crutches after the game)... then thought it would be a GOOD IDEA to keep playing. He stayed in the game for two more plays and then left for good. But before he did, he found time to complete one pass and FUMBLE THE BALL. That's great! "Hey dudes, my knee really hurts and I can't move around... you know what we should do? Pass a lot!"
Note to The Steamers - feel free to re-draft, as I'm thinking the tests on that knee aren't going to be encouraging.
Rudi Johnson - Cincinnati Bengals RB
Well let's see. His team lost - that's a plus right out of the gates. His longest rush from scrimmage was 5 yards - which is what GOOD players average. He rushed the ball 17 times for 9 yards. That's .5 yards per carry. That, my friends, is outSTANDING. For The Steamers, their other running back didn't play, so that average is what they ended up with for the week. That's phenomenal. You know when you've got a guy on your team who can only run 1.5 feet every time he touches the ball, you've got a real life-winner.
Those two were great, but they pretty much all pale in comparison to the one, the only...
Sexy Rex!
What a week for the Bears quarterback. He was 15 for 32, which checks in at less than 50%, which is lower than Jon Kitna, and is also coincidentally lower than ME when I played for the Bears. His rating was an eye-popping 27.5, which in front of a national audience may as well just be zero. He threw three interceptions, which is great by itself, but the one in the 4th quarter is what sealed his fate as this week's winner.
The previous drive, the Cowboys had recovered a Bears fumble (not Sexy Rex, unfortunately) and Madden and Michaels were heard to comment numerous times about how the Bears defense looked tired, and they just wanted to get off the field and get the ball to their offense and take a breather. So the Cowboys kick a field goal, and they kick off. Hester promptly drops the kickoff. But then it's magic time. The Sex Cannon aims for Mr. Muhammad (in the same way you might "aim" for the toilet after a night of putting away 2 Mickey's 40s... that is to say, ain't no chance in hell you're connecting) and throws the ball right to Anthony Henry, which would be cool, if he played for Chicago, but he doesn't, he plays for Dallas, and Mr. Henry goes walking up the sidelines for an easy touchdown. That took a 10 point game and turned it into a rout in the making, and Dallas never looked back.
To top it all off, nobody on the Bears can say for sure if Rex is going to start at quarterback for them this week. Bring back Orton!
So Rex, for directly contributing to your team's non-success, and then failing yourself right out of a starting job, you earn this week's Daunte Culpepper Outstanding Performance In Failing award!
September 24, 2007
"I'm not going to stand pat and accept this because I didn't do nothing wrong."
Really, Milton? Nothing wrong?
Let's walk through this the Latest Milton Bradley Losing His Shit Incident and see if we can find any wrong-doing...
In his previous at-bat, Milton had thrown his bat at the home plate umpire after striking out. Hey, we're off to a great start!
Umpire: "So, um, the first base ump... well he told me... you know what, never mind."
Milton: "Naw, come on, what is it?"
Umpire: "It's really nothing. Forget it, let's just play ball."
Milton: "Awww, tell me what it is bro. You know all those days of me acting out are in the past. I'm all about doing right, now."
Umpire: "Well, it's just that the first base ump told me there was a small chance that he may have witnessed the possibility of you perhaps throwing your bat in my general direction after I called you out on strikes your last time up. I know, I know, it sounds totally crazy. I'm embarrassed just to bring it up."
Milton: (hard glare)
Umpire: "See, that's... that's what I thought. No worries, let's play ball."
Milton: (silently planning multiple deaths)
So then Milton raps a single up the middle, and that's real good! See, no matter how insane he is, he can still hit a baseball, which makes him Worth It.
Uh oh! Someone's got something to say! Milton is talking to the first base umpire like two degenerate gamblers I witnessed in the Binion's Sportsbook. He's talking loudly, but never looking at the umpire. He only turns his head, shouts out to no one in particular that the last umpire who told on him is dead now, and he doesn't mean of old age, and then turns back to watch the pitcher. I don't think this is going well. But still! No wrong-doing yet!
Milton calls for time. Probably just go over some signals with his first base coach.
First base coach: "Yeah, ok so when I do one of these jobs on my leg (swipes hand), you take off for second."
Milton: "What's the signal for Beat The Holy Shit Out Of The Ump Standing Behind Me?"
First base coach: "It's this (mimes punching)"
Milton: "IT'S ON!"
Ejected from the game, Milton would like to know what he did wrong. No. Please. Explain to him what he did wrong. He really just wants an explanation.
That would be his manager, Bud Black, having to restrain Milton from TOTALLY MURDERING the first base ump. Ummm, ok, we might be getting into "doing something wrong" territory here.
Breakdown, takedown, you're busted!
Now this is happening: Bud Black, in an effort to prevent a homicide, has tackled Milton to the ground. Your manager has brought you to the ground to keep you from physically attacking an umpire. I would say we're pretty wrong here.
To recap: In being restrained from attacking an umpire, Milton is hurt and might miss the rest of the season. He hurt his knee because he was going to assault an umpire.
Classy!
Let's walk through this the Latest Milton Bradley Losing His Shit Incident and see if we can find any wrong-doing...
In his previous at-bat, Milton had thrown his bat at the home plate umpire after striking out. Hey, we're off to a great start!
Umpire: "So, um, the first base ump... well he told me... you know what, never mind."
Milton: "Naw, come on, what is it?"
Umpire: "It's really nothing. Forget it, let's just play ball."
Milton: "Awww, tell me what it is bro. You know all those days of me acting out are in the past. I'm all about doing right, now."
Umpire: "Well, it's just that the first base ump told me there was a small chance that he may have witnessed the possibility of you perhaps throwing your bat in my general direction after I called you out on strikes your last time up. I know, I know, it sounds totally crazy. I'm embarrassed just to bring it up."
Milton: (hard glare)
Umpire: "See, that's... that's what I thought. No worries, let's play ball."
Milton: (silently planning multiple deaths)
So then Milton raps a single up the middle, and that's real good! See, no matter how insane he is, he can still hit a baseball, which makes him Worth It.
Uh oh! Someone's got something to say! Milton is talking to the first base umpire like two degenerate gamblers I witnessed in the Binion's Sportsbook. He's talking loudly, but never looking at the umpire. He only turns his head, shouts out to no one in particular that the last umpire who told on him is dead now, and he doesn't mean of old age, and then turns back to watch the pitcher. I don't think this is going well. But still! No wrong-doing yet!
Milton calls for time. Probably just go over some signals with his first base coach.
First base coach: "Yeah, ok so when I do one of these jobs on my leg (swipes hand), you take off for second."
Milton: "What's the signal for Beat The Holy Shit Out Of The Ump Standing Behind Me?"
First base coach: "It's this (mimes punching)"
Milton: "IT'S ON!"
Ejected from the game, Milton would like to know what he did wrong. No. Please. Explain to him what he did wrong. He really just wants an explanation.
That would be his manager, Bud Black, having to restrain Milton from TOTALLY MURDERING the first base ump. Ummm, ok, we might be getting into "doing something wrong" territory here.
Breakdown, takedown, you're busted!
Now this is happening: Bud Black, in an effort to prevent a homicide, has tackled Milton to the ground. Your manager has brought you to the ground to keep you from physically attacking an umpire. I would say we're pretty wrong here.
To recap: In being restrained from attacking an umpire, Milton is hurt and might miss the rest of the season. He hurt his knee because he was going to assault an umpire.
Classy!
September 21, 2007
I Love This League
You know you've got it good when your starting quarterback goes down grabbing his crotch in pain after completing one of the worst games in NFL history, and your BACKUP is a guy who has a concussion but doesn't admit it because he claims god is in his head healing the bruise on his brain.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
September 20, 2007
What's Next, Rory Sabatini Playing An LPGA Event?
I'm pretty sure that the ball that bounced off his head and over the fence knocked the last little bit non-craziness out of his head.
Jose, don't stop believin'.
Jose, don't stop believin'.
September 19, 2007
Gotta Hand It To You...
When I saw that Chief had grabbed up Tarvarias Jackson with the first overall pick in the failure league, I thought he was taking a huge gamble. And after week 1 when T-Jack didn't look half bad, I was further convinced. But after the last trainwreck and the supposed "groin injury" I've got to say Chief is smarter than me (that makes me better at failing though, right?).
"Vikings coach Brad Childress says he's convinced Tarvaris Jackson is "more than ready" to be an NFL quarterback. Let's give Childress the benefit of the doubt and assume he's lying."
This is exactly why the Vikes were a smart choice by Cap'n Nani. They were a bit of a gamble, but one that I believe will pay big dividends. Unless of course T-Jacks "groin injury" loses him his starting job. But wait, Brad wouldn't lie about that to save his own skin would he? Of course not. A man with his upstanding character and forthcoming personality would never even think to mislead his beloved faithful. Unless that giant, five chinned ego got in the way.
That's why the Vikings - and Tarvarias - are doomed. It's not necessarily because history says this team will disappoint even the die hardest fans. It's not because they're "rebuilding." It's because they have a coach who is not a real NFL head coach and they have a QB that isn't a real NFL QB. That's why I should've picked them both. First.
Alas, I got stuck with a team that benched their QB in the first quarter then traded him before their second game. Oh, I had the QB too.
I love this league. Here's hoping Andre Johnson's done for the year. That way I won't have to worry about taking a bunch of flak for his success thus far.
"Vikings coach Brad Childress says he's convinced Tarvaris Jackson is "more than ready" to be an NFL quarterback. Let's give Childress the benefit of the doubt and assume he's lying."
This is exactly why the Vikes were a smart choice by Cap'n Nani. They were a bit of a gamble, but one that I believe will pay big dividends. Unless of course T-Jacks "groin injury" loses him his starting job. But wait, Brad wouldn't lie about that to save his own skin would he? Of course not. A man with his upstanding character and forthcoming personality would never even think to mislead his beloved faithful. Unless that giant, five chinned ego got in the way.
That's why the Vikings - and Tarvarias - are doomed. It's not necessarily because history says this team will disappoint even the die hardest fans. It's not because they're "rebuilding." It's because they have a coach who is not a real NFL head coach and they have a QB that isn't a real NFL QB. That's why I should've picked them both. First.
Alas, I got stuck with a team that benched their QB in the first quarter then traded him before their second game. Oh, I had the QB too.
I love this league. Here's hoping Andre Johnson's done for the year. That way I won't have to worry about taking a bunch of flak for his success thus far.
"FORE!!!"
"Simpson and the other three men are charged with two counts of first-degree kidnapping; two counts of robbery with use of a deadly weapon; burglary while in possession of a deadly weapon; two counts of assault with a deadly weapon; conspiracy to commit kidnapping; conspiracy to commit robbery; and a misdemeanor, conspiracy to commit a crime.
Simpson also faces one charge of coercion with use of a deadly weapon, a felony."
If you count those felonies, you come up with 10.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Can't make it up people, you can't make it up.
Oh, but his buddy thinks is was a set up. Sure, whatever, I mean, there's no glove this time so you know it can't fit.
O.J. Simpson's life is much like golf; You stripe a drive 285 yards right down the middle of the fairway and somehow find a way to make triple-bogey.
The next time O.J. mentions his football career you should simply say, 'nice drive Juice, nice drive.'
Simpson also faces one charge of coercion with use of a deadly weapon, a felony."
If you count those felonies, you come up with 10.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Can't make it up people, you can't make it up.
Oh, but his buddy thinks is was a set up. Sure, whatever, I mean, there's no glove this time so you know it can't fit.
O.J. Simpson's life is much like golf; You stripe a drive 285 yards right down the middle of the fairway and somehow find a way to make triple-bogey.
The next time O.J. mentions his football career you should simply say, 'nice drive Juice, nice drive.'
September 18, 2007
Too bad someone didn't take Texas...
Three Longhorns arrested already!? Hey, that matches their record, 3-0
"Hey guys, I'm not good at life."
"Hey guys, I'm not good at life."
"I can handle it...I can handle it..."
The amount of pressure in the life of an SEC coach must really be something if you're expected to win all the time. The converse in one way is June Jones. Sure, it's fun when Hawaii wins, but if you lose...shit, look around. Who cares?
Well, I tell you this much: in the "old south" they damn well DO care, more than you'll ever know or they'll ever let on. And Potsy and I are running neck and neck with SEC failures. Once again Auburn didn't disappoint, losing to Mississippi State at home. The Bulldogs had lost six (6) straight to the Tigers, but that ended on Saturday. Auburn's scant 1 point halftime lead didn't hold up with zero points in the second half. To continue to put this in to proper context, Mississippi State has won twice in the SEC over the past two years. It seems early for it's yearly win, doesn't it.
So, don't look surprised Sylvester. You did perfectly fine. It's this Auburn team that's on a failure trip. All team sites are acting as if it didn't happen - no acknowledgement in any way. Their Saturday game against New Mexico State has been moved down south to Pay Per View, and CBS has "exercised its right" to possibly (probably) not televise the Auburn/Florida game. I don't know what's happened to this school, but I'm enjoying it.
Re-Draft...
Well, as much as it pains me to take him off my roster, I'm going to have to replace Charlie Frye after an amazing first week. Seattle is too good for him, so he's going to do a nice job of rotting on the practice squad. So to replace him, I'm going to select...
"Hi, my name is Damon Huard"
I mean, how could I turn down a guy with that face. You know what kind of guy has that grin? I'll give you a clue: it sounds like 'hit Peter.'
Here's what Sportsline has to say about him for week 3...
-----
Chiefs QB Damon Huard, who left Week 2's game at the Bears in the fourth quarter after sustaining a blow to the head, will remain the Chiefs' starter for Week 3 against the Vikings, according to The Kansas City Star. "Right now it’s Damon," Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said. "I didn’t look at the tape. But right now Damon is our starting quarterback." Edwards added that he only took Huard out of the game because the quarterback was "a little woozy" after taking a hit.
-----
That's what I like to hear - he's a little woozy from taking a blow to the head. I mean, I'd keep him in the game too, who else can you rely on to throw three times as many interceptions as touchdowns?
"Hi, my name is Damon Huard"
I mean, how could I turn down a guy with that face. You know what kind of guy has that grin? I'll give you a clue: it sounds like 'hit Peter.'
Here's what Sportsline has to say about him for week 3...
-----
Chiefs QB Damon Huard, who left Week 2's game at the Bears in the fourth quarter after sustaining a blow to the head, will remain the Chiefs' starter for Week 3 against the Vikings, according to The Kansas City Star. "Right now it’s Damon," Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said. "I didn’t look at the tape. But right now Damon is our starting quarterback." Edwards added that he only took Huard out of the game because the quarterback was "a little woozy" after taking a hit.
-----
That's what I like to hear - he's a little woozy from taking a blow to the head. I mean, I'd keep him in the game too, who else can you rely on to throw three times as many interceptions as touchdowns?
September 17, 2007
"That is why they don't want to put the game in the hands of Tavaris Jackson. This was a terrible throw to a receiver who wasn't even open."
Week 2 is now behind us, but deep inside, I wanted this one to last forever. It was a strange batch of games this week - Cleveland erupting and nearly wrecking the Steamers' season, and the Lions winning at home! All in all, the failures played pretty decently this week, with only one - you know who - really stepping up and grabbing the failing baton with full gusto.
The points for this week:
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 22
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 22
The Cleveland Steamers - 18
Gary Anderson Should've Just Gone Fucking Fishing - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 11
Check the sidebar for updated overall standings - again keeping in mind that these do not reflect the team statistics, those will be calculated at the end of the season.
--------------------------------------------
There's no point in even setting this up, so let's just get on with it. This is probably going to be the easiest Daunte Culpepper award to give out for the year. Everyone should've seen it... it was, well it was a beautiful performance.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tarvaris Jackson!
During this year's draft, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne went out on quite a limb to draft the Vikings QB with the first selection, as it was the general consensus that it would be a better move to draft your team first. But TMBA wouldn't be swayed. He had seen the unbridled fear in the young long-legged QB from Minnesota, and had watched him repeatedly drop back into the pocket only to momentarily forget where he was and gun the ball either into the turf or into a linebacker's face. After a positive week 1, wherein he defeated the Atlanta Crunk-version of an NFL team, expectedly, he was lauded by the local media and fans alike. PEOPLE ACTUALLY WENT AND BOUGHT HIS JERSEY. Newsflash, Minnesota fans, he's going out like a bamboo skewer, broken into 3 pieces and launching balls into the cheering section. He'll be lucky to survive this season as a starter. He's gone in 2 years. We can't handle QBs of his... style, in this state. I'll leave it at that.
Anyway, after receiving praise for his "headiness" in week one, he went out to Ford Field on a mission to prove Tony Mandarich's Back Acne right for drafting him #1. Well buddy, mission accomplished.
He threw 33 passes. 12 of them were just incomplete. 4 of them were to Lions players.
His rating was 26.4.
He was pulled from the game in the 4th quarter when he broke his crotch dropping back to pass.
He was reinserted into the game in overtime, taking over for a man named Brooks, and promptly FUMBLED A SNAP to seal victory for the Lions. Alas, this somehow did not show up in the box score. Who do they attribute this fumble to? The tiny gerbil in Tarvaris' head that fell off the wheel?
He did everything in his power to piss this game away for the Vikings, and it worked. He threw passes that made him look like a fat kid in flag football. Then just when the Vikings needed to move the ball, he fell down grabbing his private area. What a fantastic game. And the best part is: he's going to start next week. God bless it, let's get back on the wagon, fans!
The points for this week:
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 22
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 22
The Cleveland Steamers - 18
Gary Anderson Should've Just Gone Fucking Fishing - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 11
Check the sidebar for updated overall standings - again keeping in mind that these do not reflect the team statistics, those will be calculated at the end of the season.
--------------------------------------------
There's no point in even setting this up, so let's just get on with it. This is probably going to be the easiest Daunte Culpepper award to give out for the year. Everyone should've seen it... it was, well it was a beautiful performance.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tarvaris Jackson!
During this year's draft, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne went out on quite a limb to draft the Vikings QB with the first selection, as it was the general consensus that it would be a better move to draft your team first. But TMBA wouldn't be swayed. He had seen the unbridled fear in the young long-legged QB from Minnesota, and had watched him repeatedly drop back into the pocket only to momentarily forget where he was and gun the ball either into the turf or into a linebacker's face. After a positive week 1, wherein he defeated the Atlanta Crunk-version of an NFL team, expectedly, he was lauded by the local media and fans alike. PEOPLE ACTUALLY WENT AND BOUGHT HIS JERSEY. Newsflash, Minnesota fans, he's going out like a bamboo skewer, broken into 3 pieces and launching balls into the cheering section. He'll be lucky to survive this season as a starter. He's gone in 2 years. We can't handle QBs of his... style, in this state. I'll leave it at that.
Anyway, after receiving praise for his "headiness" in week one, he went out to Ford Field on a mission to prove Tony Mandarich's Back Acne right for drafting him #1. Well buddy, mission accomplished.
He threw 33 passes. 12 of them were just incomplete. 4 of them were to Lions players.
His rating was 26.4.
He was pulled from the game in the 4th quarter when he broke his crotch dropping back to pass.
He was reinserted into the game in overtime, taking over for a man named Brooks, and promptly FUMBLED A SNAP to seal victory for the Lions. Alas, this somehow did not show up in the box score. Who do they attribute this fumble to? The tiny gerbil in Tarvaris' head that fell off the wheel?
He did everything in his power to piss this game away for the Vikings, and it worked. He threw passes that made him look like a fat kid in flag football. Then just when the Vikings needed to move the ball, he fell down grabbing his private area. What a fantastic game. And the best part is: he's going to start next week. God bless it, let's get back on the wagon, fans!
Proving He Was Worth That #1 Pick
Found on a Vikings blog:
What are you talking about? He's on my fantasy team and I'm ecstatic!
The Vikings’ 20-17 overtime loss to the Lions on Sunday certainly wasn’t a very well played game – all you need to know is the teams combined for 10 turnovers – but it was entertaining to watch. That is unless you have Tarvaris Jackson as the quarterback on your fantasy football team. Jackson’s four interceptions and 26.4 rating serve as a reminder of just how far this kid still has to go.
What are you talking about? He's on my fantasy team and I'm ecstatic!
September 15, 2007
Everyone on the bus? Nope.
How bad is your team? If Jimmy goes down, some guy named Stan or Larry will be your QB. And I can guarantee you he was NOT recruited. As I watch this here Mich./ND game, Jimmy can't take a ONE step drop without getting sacked. This could be really be a fun season to watch the golden domers.
September 14, 2007
Daunte Is...
He's back. He's starting this week.
I think for this week, he belongs to ALL of us.
Their chances of winning went from zero to zero.
I think for this week, he belongs to ALL of us.
Their chances of winning went from zero to zero.
September 12, 2007
Tim Couch Potato
Can anyone answer this for me? How does a guy go from starting to not good enough to play for the team? Charlie Frye isn't the first, just the fastest.
Byron Leftwich - starter all preseason, then cut from the team.
Not having ever played football, I'm left to guess. My first thought is that it is a team chemistry thing - that a team doesn't want to have the guy they anointed team leader and who has a fiery, 494-cruising attitude, sitting on the bench.
There seem to be starting quarterbacks and backup quarterbacks who inhabit different universes. The HR rep might talk about their skill set. The starting quarterback is physically talented but when the team realizes he's either too expensive, a poor leader, or completely nuts, they ship him away, while the backup quarterback (think The Brothers Detmer) is undersized, weak-armed, psychologically grounded, and never going to lead a team to victory, though a calming influence and unlikely to spill coffee grounds all over the breakroom floor.
Any thoughts? Thanks for your advice.
"Neither an ox nor a donkey is able to stop the progress of socialism." Erich Honecker
Byron Leftwich - starter all preseason, then cut from the team.
Not having ever played football, I'm left to guess. My first thought is that it is a team chemistry thing - that a team doesn't want to have the guy they anointed team leader and who has a fiery, 494-cruising attitude, sitting on the bench.
There seem to be starting quarterbacks and backup quarterbacks who inhabit different universes. The HR rep might talk about their skill set. The starting quarterback is physically talented but when the team realizes he's either too expensive, a poor leader, or completely nuts, they ship him away, while the backup quarterback (think The Brothers Detmer) is undersized, weak-armed, psychologically grounded, and never going to lead a team to victory, though a calming influence and unlikely to spill coffee grounds all over the breakroom floor.
Any thoughts? Thanks for your advice.
"Neither an ox nor a donkey is able to stop the progress of socialism." Erich Honecker
Train Don't Run Outta Wichita, Less'n You're A Hog Or A Cattle
Week 1 has come and gone, and I don't know as though we could've picked better failures. Our guys showed up to play, that much is certain, but what happened next was actually more like what you'd see in one of those watersports DVDs they keep behind the curtain at Video Biz. But I've never actually seen one of those, so I'll just assume it has a lot to do with PISSING IN PANTS. To that end, I think we may have to give Joey "Joe" Harrington the nickname of Pee-Pants The Hobo Clown.
First, the standings after week one:
The Cleveland Steamers - 17
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 16
Gary Anderson Made Them All Year But Couldn't Hit A Fucking Chip Shot On My Birthday - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 12
----------------------------------------
The Steamers brought the heat this week, so to speak, as they put up great Running Back AND Quarterback numbers. For your reference, you can check the sidebar for the Google Spreadsheet of the stats thus-far. You'll see The Steamers have set the bar for failure that we must all strive for.
Now then, this league - and others like it - was designed to identify and celebrate failure in its purest form. To look at the highest level of sport we have in our great nation and pick out the guys who would be better off bagging produce at Rainbow. To see past the big salaries and contracts, to look directly into the eyes of the Spurgeon Wynn's of the world and say "Wow. Now that guy's good for one thing; a big fat failin'."
And so, every week I aim to identify one player whom we have drafted that closely embodies the spirit of fail so greatly celebrated on this blog. The amount of losers in this league is many, but the total failures are few - and I aim to point them out. The award will be named the Daunte Culpepper Award, appropriately styled after the greatest failure of them all... a guy who took an entire state of tortured fans, put them on his back, and collapsed to the ground screaming in agony from multiple ligament tears. A guy who "got his roll on" after big touchdowns, then "got his ghetto on" when he boarded a boat on Lake Minnetonka during his off-week. A guy who looked like a linebacker playing quarterback, and threw like one too. Daunte, please come back and show this league you can do it again.
With that said, the winner of the inaugural Daunte Culpepper Award is ...... Charlie Frye!!!
On Sunday, the Cleveland Browns hosted the Pittsburgh Steelers in one of those Ohio Valley showdowns that us outsiders never fully comprehend. As an aside, I was in Pittsburgh during the playoffs a few years ago, and when they weren't talking about their upcoming opponent, the fans often derided two teams in particular: the Browns and the Bengals. When asked about the Eagles, it was like they didn't exist. I suppose that's the different conferences. But man, the hatred for the Browns ran particularly high. One gal, who's husband spent 3 days cooking chili for the game, told me that's the sure-fire way to piss a season away, "to lose to those fuckin' Browns". Well alright then!
Anyway, the Browns this season are in for a total world of hurt, and they took absolutely zero steps forward during the first week. The spent the preseason failing to sign their first round draft pick, and then came into this game with a "controversy" already brewing. That word is in quotes the same way you'd say that if you found 20 dollars on the street you'd be "rich" or that you have a big "choice" between Hardee's and White Castle. They started the game with Charlie Frye under center, and this is what he did:
In the first half, he threw 10 passes. 5 were incomplete and dropped safely to the grass, and the 6th one was intercepted.
The four passes he did complete went for a whopping 34 yards.
He was sacked 5 times for a total loss of 31 yards. He also rushed for one yard. That means he contributed a total of 4 yards to his offense in 30 minutes of game play. That means that every 10 minutes of time that ticked off the clock, Charlie was giving you guys just over a yard in offense!!!!
His rating came out to be 10. 10. His rating was 10. That's TEN. X. I don't know if you can have a negative rating, but Charlie sure shot the moon on that one.
He was benched in the second half, as the game spun out of control.
Then, two days later, he was TRADED to resume being a backup in Seattle.
What a week for Charlie! And for that, The Steamers do their namesake proud, and earn one bonus point, not to mention the first Daunte Culpepper Award. Congratulations, and you now have first dibs on Brady Quinn!
See you next week, failures!
First, the standings after week one:
The Cleveland Steamers - 17
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 16
Gary Anderson Made Them All Year But Couldn't Hit A Fucking Chip Shot On My Birthday - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 12
----------------------------------------
The Steamers brought the heat this week, so to speak, as they put up great Running Back AND Quarterback numbers. For your reference, you can check the sidebar for the Google Spreadsheet of the stats thus-far. You'll see The Steamers have set the bar for failure that we must all strive for.
Now then, this league - and others like it - was designed to identify and celebrate failure in its purest form. To look at the highest level of sport we have in our great nation and pick out the guys who would be better off bagging produce at Rainbow. To see past the big salaries and contracts, to look directly into the eyes of the Spurgeon Wynn's of the world and say "Wow. Now that guy's good for one thing; a big fat failin'."
And so, every week I aim to identify one player whom we have drafted that closely embodies the spirit of fail so greatly celebrated on this blog. The amount of losers in this league is many, but the total failures are few - and I aim to point them out. The award will be named the Daunte Culpepper Award, appropriately styled after the greatest failure of them all... a guy who took an entire state of tortured fans, put them on his back, and collapsed to the ground screaming in agony from multiple ligament tears. A guy who "got his roll on" after big touchdowns, then "got his ghetto on" when he boarded a boat on Lake Minnetonka during his off-week. A guy who looked like a linebacker playing quarterback, and threw like one too. Daunte, please come back and show this league you can do it again.
With that said, the winner of the inaugural Daunte Culpepper Award is ...... Charlie Frye!!!
On Sunday, the Cleveland Browns hosted the Pittsburgh Steelers in one of those Ohio Valley showdowns that us outsiders never fully comprehend. As an aside, I was in Pittsburgh during the playoffs a few years ago, and when they weren't talking about their upcoming opponent, the fans often derided two teams in particular: the Browns and the Bengals. When asked about the Eagles, it was like they didn't exist. I suppose that's the different conferences. But man, the hatred for the Browns ran particularly high. One gal, who's husband spent 3 days cooking chili for the game, told me that's the sure-fire way to piss a season away, "to lose to those fuckin' Browns". Well alright then!
Anyway, the Browns this season are in for a total world of hurt, and they took absolutely zero steps forward during the first week. The spent the preseason failing to sign their first round draft pick, and then came into this game with a "controversy" already brewing. That word is in quotes the same way you'd say that if you found 20 dollars on the street you'd be "rich" or that you have a big "choice" between Hardee's and White Castle. They started the game with Charlie Frye under center, and this is what he did:
In the first half, he threw 10 passes. 5 were incomplete and dropped safely to the grass, and the 6th one was intercepted.
The four passes he did complete went for a whopping 34 yards.
He was sacked 5 times for a total loss of 31 yards. He also rushed for one yard. That means he contributed a total of 4 yards to his offense in 30 minutes of game play. That means that every 10 minutes of time that ticked off the clock, Charlie was giving you guys just over a yard in offense!!!!
His rating came out to be 10. 10. His rating was 10. That's TEN. X. I don't know if you can have a negative rating, but Charlie sure shot the moon on that one.
He was benched in the second half, as the game spun out of control.
Then, two days later, he was TRADED to resume being a backup in Seattle.
What a week for Charlie! And for that, The Steamers do their namesake proud, and earn one bonus point, not to mention the first Daunte Culpepper Award. Congratulations, and you now have first dibs on Brady Quinn!
See you next week, failures!
September 11, 2007
Charlie Frye for MVP???
Not only did he get benched in the first quarter of the seasons first game, but he was so bad this happened!!!
YES!!!!
YES!!!!
No one drafted THESE guys...
http://www.sportsline.com/nfl/story/10344219
David Boston was so stupid he date rape drugged himself...
David Boston was so stupid he date rape drugged himself...
This is what I like to read...
"Johnson didn't have the kind of game you'd expect for a first-round pick, but, in fairness, few running backs do when facing the Ravens. Consider him a borderline No. 1 RB and confidently start him Week 2 at the Browns. Against that cupcake opponent, he should make up for any points he's deprived your Fantasy team so far. "1. Well, Rudi DID have the kind of game I would expect from a first-round pick
2. My Browns are indeed "cupcakes."
3. I'm going to confidently BENCH him in the second week because I don't need him cancelling out the fact that the Browns are going to give up 200 rushing yards this weekend. No, really, 200 yards.
4. Of course maybe I'll get lucky and Rudi will get himself arrested this week. Please?
September 10, 2007
"Looks like you're out a lot of things."
Well, one thing Auburn is...out of the top 25, with an overtime loss to South Florida. The game-winning touchdown for the Bulls, a TD pass thrown by Matt "Discolored" Grothe, sent thousands into shock. Nope, no comebacks this time. Ask Georgia about that. Despite this, Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges had an interesting take on the game:
"The second half, we were so inept; it's one thing to be inept and it's another thing to completely give the game away."
An inept thing to do would be having 5 turnovers, or gaining 2 yards in overtime, or lose to a team who missed four (4) field goals.
Ya done me proud, cats. Keep it up.
I like when....
I go looking for stats for a player on my team and he isn't there. Well, he is there, but his postion has changed...
http://www.sportsline.com/nfl/players/playerpage/421137
Awesome! I want him to throw for an interception and then catch a pass and fumble it.
http://www.sportsline.com/nfl/players/playerpage/421137
Awesome! I want him to throw for an interception and then catch a pass and fumble it.
September 9, 2007
CDTBT Jumps Out To A BIG Lead!
Boom!
There you have it, our first steroid-related bust. Fantastic! Now we've got to decide just how many bonus points this will yield. Well done, sir.
There you have it, our first steroid-related bust. Fantastic! Now we've got to decide just how many bonus points this will yield. Well done, sir.
Off to a solid start!!
Things that happened today:
1. The Browns lost. At home
2. They gave up 365 yards on their way to giving up 34 points
3. Prevented a shutout by scoring on a 1-yd passing play in the third quarter
4. Benched their starting QB almost immediately
"However, Tomlin had his first win all but locked up after the first quarter, when the Steelers pounced on mistakes by the bumbling Browns to open a 17-0 lead."
That’s OUR bumbling Browns.
Good job guys, good job
1. The Browns lost. At home
2. They gave up 365 yards on their way to giving up 34 points
3. Prevented a shutout by scoring on a 1-yd passing play in the third quarter
4. Benched their starting QB almost immediately
"However, Tomlin had his first win all but locked up after the first quarter, when the Steelers pounced on mistakes by the bumbling Browns to open a 17-0 lead."
That’s OUR bumbling Browns.
Good job guys, good job
September 6, 2007
2007 Failure NFL Draft Results
Last night we congregated, poured over draft sheets, burned the midnight oil, and studied all available materials in an attempt to pinpoint the largest, most destructive failures in the NFL.
I think we accomplished our goal.
Here are the teams, and I'll be updating the team names as I receive them. I've already updated mine, as you'll see.
-----------------------------------------------------
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne
QB
Tavaris Jackson
John Kitna
RB
Adrian Peterson
"Cadillac" Williams
Willis McGahee
LaMont Jordan
WR
Plaxico Burress
Troy Brown
Dante Hall
Troy Williamson
Kicker
Sebastian Janikowski
Josh Scobee
Team
Tennessee Titans
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame
QB
Rex Grossman
Tony Romo
RB
Najeh Davenport
Brad Hoover
Ron Dayne
Ronnie Brown
WR
Phil Dawson
Joe Horn
Derrick Mason
Ted Ginn Jr.
Kicker
Justin McCareins
Jeff Reed
Team
Detroit Lions
The Cleveland Steamers
QB
Charlie Frye
J.P. Losman
RB
Kevin Jones
Rudi Johnson
Anthony Thomas
Lorenzo Booker
WR
Kevin Walter
Brad Smith
Shaun McDonald
Andre Johnson
Kicker
Dave Rayner
Shaun Suisham
Team
Cleveland Browns
Gary Anderson's Miss Was On My Birthday
QB
Vince Young
Matt Schaub
RB
Rueben Droughns
Willie Parker
Travis Minor
Reggie Bush
WR
Eric Moulds
Peerless Price
Dennis Northcutt
Travis Taylor
Kicker
Olindo Mare
Lawrence Tynes
Team
Minnesota Vikings
Smelly Pirate Hookers
QB
Joey Harrington
Jason Campbell
RB
Jamal Lewis
DeShawn Foster
Ahman Green
LenDale White
WR
Mike Furrey
Rod Smith
Troy Walters
David Tyree
Kicker
Neil Rackers
Rob Birones
Team
Oakland Raiders
-----------------------------------------------------
To anyone who didn't make it, feel free to draft another team with the remaining players if you'd like. And let's get on with the failing!
I think we accomplished our goal.
Here are the teams, and I'll be updating the team names as I receive them. I've already updated mine, as you'll see.
-----------------------------------------------------
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne
QB
Tavaris Jackson
John Kitna
RB
Adrian Peterson
"Cadillac" Williams
Willis McGahee
LaMont Jordan
WR
Plaxico Burress
Troy Brown
Dante Hall
Troy Williamson
Kicker
Sebastian Janikowski
Josh Scobee
Team
Tennessee Titans
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame
QB
Rex Grossman
Tony Romo
RB
Najeh Davenport
Brad Hoover
Ron Dayne
Ronnie Brown
WR
Phil Dawson
Joe Horn
Derrick Mason
Ted Ginn Jr.
Kicker
Justin McCareins
Jeff Reed
Team
Detroit Lions
The Cleveland Steamers
QB
Charlie Frye
J.P. Losman
RB
Kevin Jones
Rudi Johnson
Anthony Thomas
Lorenzo Booker
WR
Kevin Walter
Brad Smith
Shaun McDonald
Andre Johnson
Kicker
Dave Rayner
Shaun Suisham
Team
Cleveland Browns
Gary Anderson's Miss Was On My Birthday
QB
Vince Young
Matt Schaub
RB
Rueben Droughns
Willie Parker
Travis Minor
Reggie Bush
WR
Eric Moulds
Peerless Price
Dennis Northcutt
Travis Taylor
Kicker
Olindo Mare
Lawrence Tynes
Team
Minnesota Vikings
Smelly Pirate Hookers
QB
Joey Harrington
Jason Campbell
RB
Jamal Lewis
DeShawn Foster
Ahman Green
LenDale White
WR
Mike Furrey
Rod Smith
Troy Walters
David Tyree
Kicker
Neil Rackers
Rob Birones
Team
Oakland Raiders
-----------------------------------------------------
To anyone who didn't make it, feel free to draft another team with the remaining players if you'd like. And let's get on with the failing!
September 5, 2007
If You Fail At Drafting Failures, Does That Make You A Success?
Tonight's the night we're letting it all hang out. 9pm central time, log on to AIM chat and my screen name is "chiefkapps". To repeat, we'll be drafting:
2 QBs
4 RBs
4 WRs
2 Kickers
1 Team
Draft order will be randomly determined before we begin. Again, if you can't make it and still want to participate, forward me your wish list.
5 dollar entry fee, and winner take all.
Now let's start drafting those Falcons!
2 QBs
4 RBs
4 WRs
2 Kickers
1 Team
Draft order will be randomly determined before we begin. Again, if you can't make it and still want to participate, forward me your wish list.
5 dollar entry fee, and winner take all.
Now let's start drafting those Falcons!
September 4, 2007
The Dog Days of Fail
Well folks, here we are at roster-expansion time, and the pieces have never before been aligned to "fail" in the history of the game. Every year at this time, we see our sad, pathetic big league clubs call up the guys who aren't even good enough to make it on the roster the rest of the season, only to get all excited about how they could do something next year. Inevitably, this leads directly to failure. Remember Michael Restovich? Michael Ryan? Brian Buchanan? Mike Nakamura? Alex Prieto? Todd Sears? Rob Bowen? Terry Tiffee? Josh Rabe?
Ok, so we don't need to go down that road more than once. Needless to say, this is the time of year that the little kids stand up and shout - for the whole world to hear - "Hey! I can fail just like that old guy!"
Here are the stats for the month of August:
Suspended Indefinitely - 34
Cap'N Kanani - 34
You Dead, Dawg - 34
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 31
Billz - 26
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 20
Woah! A three way tie at the top, keeping the race for the championship neck and neck. It's going to really come down to heart (or lack of it) this last month. The Twins seem to have given up, as have the Brewers. Jump on now if you want a title shot! Remember, if you've got a guy on the DL or who was sent down, now is the time to pick up a scumbag for that stretch run in September!
To highlight some individual performances:
Suspended Indefinitely and Cap'n Kanani continue to assault the rest of the league with their errors. They committed an average of 21.8 and 21 respectively. Holy smokes! Just run the ball in from the outfield like they do in little league, failures!
No surprise on the top of the strikeout list, with Cap'n Kanani edging out Suspended Indefinitely yet again by a count of 160 to 151. BJ Upton wins a free steak for going down 37 times without putting the ball in play.
Suspended Indefinitely sports a 10.594 ERA. That's the stuff of legend!
Lots of walks in the summer heat - hard to grip that ball with sweaty palms - but nobody put them on at a rate higher than You Dead, Dawg, who's pitchers walked 52 batters. Walks haunt, failures!
No surprises in attendance again... as the local production of Tony and Tina's Wedding draws more paying customers than the Devil Rays. They bring in damn near a THIRD of San Francisco's attendance! Competitive Balance, my crotch!
And finally, "runs scored at home" continues to be a problem area for those Giants - along with "winning games" and "putting a decent team on the field" and "trying". They scored only 50 runs at home all month. That, for 649,720 tickets sold. So, less than a run for every ten thousand people that attended the games. If the Rays did that, they would average 0 runs per game!
----------------------------------
Before we get to the Jose Contreras award winner this month, I simply have to give some honorable mentions. Every one of these players should, by all rights, be taking home the trophy. But I regret that we have but one trophy to give to our champion. Here they are:
John Danks
He started 6 games and lost all 6. He was perfect in his failing. Sporting a 7.62 ERA, he also gave up 8 home runs. The one and only reason he does not take the trophy home is because there is a clause in the championship contract that does not allow us to give it to two failure White Sox pitchers in consecutive months. Well, that and the fact that the White Sox losing games no longer surprises anyone. 1963 Sandy Koufax could pitch for the Sox and go 0-6 in August. But nonetheless, he deserves mention for his perfect failure record. Huzzah!
Byung Hyun Kim
A 10.32 ERA in August is a great start. But how about this: he was cut TWICE. The Marlins cut him early in the month, then he signs on with the Diamondbacks and throws two of the worst games ever thrown in as long as pitchers have used overhand throws. So then Arizona cuts him, and he signs BACK WITH FLORIDA! Outstanding! That's two bonus points for being released in one month! Plus, he's still in the bigs, and will continue to rack up awesome stats in September. Good find, Billz.
B.J. Upton
Hitting .270? Ok, that's respectable. 7 home runs in the month? Damn, that's pretty good.
You know what's not good? 37 strikeouts and 5 GIDPs. That's very very not good. So it seems to me that it's either a strikeout, home run or double play every time up, huh? Great!
All of those listed above excelled in failing, but none of them could wrestle the crown away from the one, the only:
BRANDON INGE
Let's take a look at this failure: He came up to bat 88 times in August and struck out in 35 of them. When he did hit the ball, it didn't go anywhere, as is evidenced by his .193 batting average and .284 slugging percentage (we refer to this as "Nick Punto Territory" from now on). He took 7 walks all month - compared to earlier this season when he took 28 in April, with less at-bats. He failed to hit a home run (surprise) and scored only 8 runs all month.
This award goes to Inge primarily because of the slide that Detroit fell into during August. As their team disintegrates - again - it's nice to know that guys like Inge will keep doing everything they can to pour gasoline on the fire. Keep it up, Brandon, and we'll see you and Carlos Silva on the golf course very soon!
Ok, so we don't need to go down that road more than once. Needless to say, this is the time of year that the little kids stand up and shout - for the whole world to hear - "Hey! I can fail just like that old guy!"
Here are the stats for the month of August:
Suspended Indefinitely - 34
Cap'N Kanani - 34
You Dead, Dawg - 34
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 31
Billz - 26
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 20
Woah! A three way tie at the top, keeping the race for the championship neck and neck. It's going to really come down to heart (or lack of it) this last month. The Twins seem to have given up, as have the Brewers. Jump on now if you want a title shot! Remember, if you've got a guy on the DL or who was sent down, now is the time to pick up a scumbag for that stretch run in September!
To highlight some individual performances:
Suspended Indefinitely and Cap'n Kanani continue to assault the rest of the league with their errors. They committed an average of 21.8 and 21 respectively. Holy smokes! Just run the ball in from the outfield like they do in little league, failures!
No surprise on the top of the strikeout list, with Cap'n Kanani edging out Suspended Indefinitely yet again by a count of 160 to 151. BJ Upton wins a free steak for going down 37 times without putting the ball in play.
Suspended Indefinitely sports a 10.594 ERA. That's the stuff of legend!
Lots of walks in the summer heat - hard to grip that ball with sweaty palms - but nobody put them on at a rate higher than You Dead, Dawg, who's pitchers walked 52 batters. Walks haunt, failures!
No surprises in attendance again... as the local production of Tony and Tina's Wedding draws more paying customers than the Devil Rays. They bring in damn near a THIRD of San Francisco's attendance! Competitive Balance, my crotch!
And finally, "runs scored at home" continues to be a problem area for those Giants - along with "winning games" and "putting a decent team on the field" and "trying". They scored only 50 runs at home all month. That, for 649,720 tickets sold. So, less than a run for every ten thousand people that attended the games. If the Rays did that, they would average 0 runs per game!
----------------------------------
Before we get to the Jose Contreras award winner this month, I simply have to give some honorable mentions. Every one of these players should, by all rights, be taking home the trophy. But I regret that we have but one trophy to give to our champion. Here they are:
John Danks
He started 6 games and lost all 6. He was perfect in his failing. Sporting a 7.62 ERA, he also gave up 8 home runs. The one and only reason he does not take the trophy home is because there is a clause in the championship contract that does not allow us to give it to two failure White Sox pitchers in consecutive months. Well, that and the fact that the White Sox losing games no longer surprises anyone. 1963 Sandy Koufax could pitch for the Sox and go 0-6 in August. But nonetheless, he deserves mention for his perfect failure record. Huzzah!
Byung Hyun Kim
A 10.32 ERA in August is a great start. But how about this: he was cut TWICE. The Marlins cut him early in the month, then he signs on with the Diamondbacks and throws two of the worst games ever thrown in as long as pitchers have used overhand throws. So then Arizona cuts him, and he signs BACK WITH FLORIDA! Outstanding! That's two bonus points for being released in one month! Plus, he's still in the bigs, and will continue to rack up awesome stats in September. Good find, Billz.
B.J. Upton
Hitting .270? Ok, that's respectable. 7 home runs in the month? Damn, that's pretty good.
You know what's not good? 37 strikeouts and 5 GIDPs. That's very very not good. So it seems to me that it's either a strikeout, home run or double play every time up, huh? Great!
All of those listed above excelled in failing, but none of them could wrestle the crown away from the one, the only:
BRANDON INGE
Let's take a look at this failure: He came up to bat 88 times in August and struck out in 35 of them. When he did hit the ball, it didn't go anywhere, as is evidenced by his .193 batting average and .284 slugging percentage (we refer to this as "Nick Punto Territory" from now on). He took 7 walks all month - compared to earlier this season when he took 28 in April, with less at-bats. He failed to hit a home run (surprise) and scored only 8 runs all month.
This award goes to Inge primarily because of the slide that Detroit fell into during August. As their team disintegrates - again - it's nice to know that guys like Inge will keep doing everything they can to pour gasoline on the fire. Keep it up, Brandon, and we'll see you and Carlos Silva on the golf course very soon!
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably...
The lesson is: Never Try.
Now I don't mean to gloss over what my associate Dickfer said earlier - and what is a "Dickfer" anyway? - but this has been a phenomenal weekend in failing. We need to recap:
Is Lloyd's House "For Sale" Yet?
I just watched "Orwell Rolls In His Grave" a few nights ago, so pardon me if this careens into a rant about mainstream media, but... why is everyone tap-dancing around the issue of total and complete Michigan failure? I get it, yes, App State had a long-legged, left-handed gat-screamer for a QB, and they were playing like a kid in his first game back on the varsity squad after he got 3 games for having a dip of snuff on the bus, but this was a Home Game. And Michigan is only allowed to recruit like the best fuckers from Detroit and all over the world. And they only fit 110 thousand fuck people in that stadium, and where does all that money go? And Lloyd Carr looks like a confused old man on the sidelines, and then talks like one after the game. "A lot of penalties" cost you the game? You don't think it could've been the fact that your team played the entire game like a child who accidentally wandered in to see the new Halloween movie and ended up leaving a puddle under his seat?!?!?! Mike Hart, hey great run, but maybe you guys should practice kicking in practice for a few extra hours, huh? The amount of fail coming off that game was just stupendous.
Santana Is 0-5 Against The Indians This Year
Good creeping shit, the Twins have fallen down the stairs, and it was fate that shoved them. Their failure as a baseball team resonates in such losers as Boof, Punto and Rincon, all of which are failing at unbelievable rates this year. The Indians are playing well, yes, but it's easy to do when you play against a team that isn't allowed to have a coffee-maker in the clubhouse for fear that they'll burn it down.
My Sweet Lord! Harrison Caught Doping!
That could be a headline, if we all tried a little harder. Anyway, Rodney Harrison was caught putting needles in the butt, of course, and there's really not any surprises. The fact that it happened to a Patriot makes me happy, but I like steroids in general, so I don't judge. Mostly, the NFL exists so I can point out failures.
Bobby Bowden - Ummm, How's That Applesauce?
Let's see.... Florida State University is not a real college. They don't have real classes. The don't have one book, or even a classroom. They have a football stadium and a ridiculous workout room. That's it. So maybe you should try a little harder to get that football team up to the level of the elite, huh? Is it enough just to "hang in" in the ACC? Not if you still draw breath. It's just too bad they can't fire him. But make no mistake... it's time for a change.
Tommy Kramer Got Popped For Roids???
Seriously, I have his autograph. I'm not kidding. And this was before he drove up that landscaping at Wendy's. Or was that Millard? Anyway, how about those former Vikings QBs? Let's see... Wrong Way Wade, who sometimes liked to throw it into the teeth of the Bengals defense and watch it come ALL THE WAY BACK, gets popped for roids. Sean Salisbury is the most annoying human on the face of the earth, save that guy who eats apples on the bus. Rich Gannon had his soul taken away and replaced with Bisquick when he was 30 years old, and hasn't smiled since he touched himself for the first time at age 8. Jim McMahon... still working on that follow-up to The Shuffle. Randall Cunningham, Jeff George and Culpepper, there really aren't words to describe those failures. But Brad Johnson has a super bowl ring.
Let's hope this week is as fail-worthy as last.
Now I don't mean to gloss over what my associate Dickfer said earlier - and what is a "Dickfer" anyway? - but this has been a phenomenal weekend in failing. We need to recap:
Is Lloyd's House "For Sale" Yet?
I just watched "Orwell Rolls In His Grave" a few nights ago, so pardon me if this careens into a rant about mainstream media, but... why is everyone tap-dancing around the issue of total and complete Michigan failure? I get it, yes, App State had a long-legged, left-handed gat-screamer for a QB, and they were playing like a kid in his first game back on the varsity squad after he got 3 games for having a dip of snuff on the bus, but this was a Home Game. And Michigan is only allowed to recruit like the best fuckers from Detroit and all over the world. And they only fit 110 thousand fuck people in that stadium, and where does all that money go? And Lloyd Carr looks like a confused old man on the sidelines, and then talks like one after the game. "A lot of penalties" cost you the game? You don't think it could've been the fact that your team played the entire game like a child who accidentally wandered in to see the new Halloween movie and ended up leaving a puddle under his seat?!?!?! Mike Hart, hey great run, but maybe you guys should practice kicking in practice for a few extra hours, huh? The amount of fail coming off that game was just stupendous.
Santana Is 0-5 Against The Indians This Year
Good creeping shit, the Twins have fallen down the stairs, and it was fate that shoved them. Their failure as a baseball team resonates in such losers as Boof, Punto and Rincon, all of which are failing at unbelievable rates this year. The Indians are playing well, yes, but it's easy to do when you play against a team that isn't allowed to have a coffee-maker in the clubhouse for fear that they'll burn it down.
My Sweet Lord! Harrison Caught Doping!
That could be a headline, if we all tried a little harder. Anyway, Rodney Harrison was caught putting needles in the butt, of course, and there's really not any surprises. The fact that it happened to a Patriot makes me happy, but I like steroids in general, so I don't judge. Mostly, the NFL exists so I can point out failures.
Bobby Bowden - Ummm, How's That Applesauce?
Let's see.... Florida State University is not a real college. They don't have real classes. The don't have one book, or even a classroom. They have a football stadium and a ridiculous workout room. That's it. So maybe you should try a little harder to get that football team up to the level of the elite, huh? Is it enough just to "hang in" in the ACC? Not if you still draw breath. It's just too bad they can't fire him. But make no mistake... it's time for a change.
Tommy Kramer Got Popped For Roids???
Seriously, I have his autograph. I'm not kidding. And this was before he drove up that landscaping at Wendy's. Or was that Millard? Anyway, how about those former Vikings QBs? Let's see... Wrong Way Wade, who sometimes liked to throw it into the teeth of the Bengals defense and watch it come ALL THE WAY BACK, gets popped for roids. Sean Salisbury is the most annoying human on the face of the earth, save that guy who eats apples on the bus. Rich Gannon had his soul taken away and replaced with Bisquick when he was 30 years old, and hasn't smiled since he touched himself for the first time at age 8. Jim McMahon... still working on that follow-up to The Shuffle. Randall Cunningham, Jeff George and Culpepper, there really aren't words to describe those failures. But Brad Johnson has a super bowl ring.
Let's hope this week is as fail-worthy as last.
September 2, 2007
A couple of thoughts
A. That Bowling Green team is pesky.
B. Auburn really didn't want to win that game against K State.
C. Will App. St. have a let down against their next opponent? Just go ahead and click on that link . . . ESPN hasn't gotten to that college, yet. So, here you go. App. St. better beat them, they have some dude playing the french horn on their front page.
B. Auburn really didn't want to win that game against K State.
C. Will App. St. have a let down against their next opponent? Just go ahead and click on that link . . . ESPN hasn't gotten to that college, yet. So, here you go. App. St. better beat them, they have some dude playing the french horn on their front page.
September 1, 2007
You can't triple stamp a double stamp . . .
Lloyd. Well, it's later. It would be easy for me to make jokes like, "With the entire App. St. football team, you get a full set of teeth", or "Cletus is the coach of App. St. and his sons, Q-bert and Frogger play for the team". I won't though. I won't get down to that level. All that being said, Michigan will probably beat the Gophers by 20 going into the 4th quarter down 10. God, how did we miss Michigan in the draft . . .
Todd and Whiskey Wade
A couple of stories caught my eye this week. Now, I was expecting ALOT better mugshot. Something like Kielty playing for Oakland quality. This has been described as a "bump in the road", but I will just stayed tuned on this one. Looks like he uses his guitar case for "transport".
Second, we have Whiskey. This is the first time I have seen a QB coach be suspended. Well, back to watching App. St./Michigan. I might be writing later.
Second, we have Whiskey. This is the first time I have seen a QB coach be suspended. Well, back to watching App. St./Michigan. I might be writing later.
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