People train run outta ... Stubbville

Let's make one thing clear here: we started this league in order to identify and celebrate the biggest failures in the professional iteration of football in this country. Our goal was simply to revel in watching players fumble and bumble both their lives and the hopes and dreams of thousands of fans down the toilet. It was to witness failure in its highest form.

So, this is NOT what we signed up for:

Daunte Culpepper's rating of 102.4. And the fact that he DIDN'T THROW AN INTERCEPTION
Joey Harrington's rating of 121.7
Jon Kitna having a PERFECT CHRIST RATING of 137.3
Bobby Wade averaging 16.6 yards per catch
Mike Furrey - MIKE FURREY - averaging 18.2 yards per catch
Ronnie Brown and Adrian Peterson - 8.9 and 9.3 yards/attempt and ZERO fumbles

This week has been absolutely atrocious. Nearly every single performance was successful. Just take a look at the QBs, the lowest rating was Damon Huard, with 86. That's above league average. Even Matt Schaub cracked a hundred.

Luckily, if my days grinding at the Las Vegas Club have taught me anything, it's that sometimes the numbers lie. All I know is that next week we better see some SERIOUS regression, because these types of performances basically nullify the reason to even have this league. What good does it do to reward someone like Damon Huard for just being not as good as the others? This league isn't about "not as good". It's about "never in your life going to be successful at anything you do". It's about "absolutely no ability to grow a mustache" or "can barely walk, let alone run". Come on guys, let's pick it up next week.

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I almost suspended the Daunte Culpepper award this week, simply due to my anger at how our teams fared, but then I caught a glimpse of someone who was silently carrying on the fail without any fanfare. He was just off in the desert doing his thing, taking the ball and running full steam into the backs of his linemen without a care in the world. Ladies and gentlemen...



Willie Parker!

The Steelers are generally considered a "good" team, but Willie isn't really what you'd call a "good" player, that is unless you reward fumbles, and boy, do we ever! On Sunday, the Steelers visited the Arizona Cardinals, who aren't so much a football team as an idea at this point. So what did old Willie do?

Well, he carried the ball 19 times. And he ran for a total of 37 yards. That's 1.9 yards per carry. He also fumbled once.

Here's the kicker: his longest rush from scrimmage was 20 yards. If you take that out, he rushed 18 times for 17 yards. Hey, even Ron Dayne gets a yard from scrimmage each time!

To top it off, the Steelers lost their first game of the year, making this performance worthy of this week's Daunte Culpepper award. Congratulations, Gary Anderson Could Kick Them Really Straight Until They Mattered, And Then He Looked Like Scott Norwood Only Older!

We'll see you next week!