And so, it gives me great pleasure to crown this year's winner of the Failure Fantasy Baseball League ...
SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY!
It's easy to see why they pulled away at the end for an easy victory - their team doesn't have any holes. Or, I should say, it's nothing but holes. Like Michael Bennett's ride when he's leaving Club Cancun. They dominated the league in errors, holding such fielding wizards as Yuneiskey Betancourt and Jason Bartlett, who only combined for 49 errors on the season. They were remarkably consistent in strikeouts and average, the biggest losers being guys like BJ Upton and Ray Durham - two players in very different places in their career, but with one thing in common: they shouldn't be playing major league baseball for their full time job. And of course, you can't look past the pitching, of which they were top shelf nearly every month. Wastes-of-space like Boof Bonser and Daniel Cabrera nearly guarantee victory. Let's put it this way - earlier in the season, Suspended Indefinitely dropped Jeff Weaver from their roster because he was doing TOO GOOD. That's a quality team, when you can afford to dump Mr. Garbage.
The final stats:
Suspended Indefinitely - 116
Cap'n Kanani - 108
You Dead, Dawg - 102
Billz - 81
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 72
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 45
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A few things jump out... first, you'll notice quite a fall from grace for CDTBT. Well, you can blame that on Milwaukee's remarkable September run to get back into the race. Get this: in September the Brewers drew more fans than San Francisco, lost fewer games than any other team (5!) and scored an unbelievable 108 runs. All three of these stats were good for last place, ensuring a bad month for CDTBT. And to think, the season started so promising with a guy named Ryu having an era in the triple digits.
On the flip side of that was the great month had by Team Billz. After spending most of the season as an also-ran, they really stepped up in the last month. The culprit? A healthy ERA of 12.825, which coincidentally equals Johan Santana's in games that mattered (OH GOD BLASPHEMY). Also they were boosted by Cincinnati dumping a gut-wrenching 9 games at home, which just goes to show you that these guys try even when they are out of the playoff race. Also, someone bungy jumped off Griffey's nut, or something. All things considered, to come in with 31 failure points for the month was definitely a good showing for Team Billz, and here's hoping they can take that failing momentum into next year!
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I'm going to go out on a limb for this month's Jose Contreras Award winner, and I think you'll agree with me that it's one of the boldest selections yet. This isn't a guy you thought would step up huge, as he was simply languishing in the Pittsburgh rotation for most of the season, content to turn 10-5 games into 17-5 ones. But then in September, he grabbed the failing baton with such gusto, he simply had to receive recognition. Ladies and gentlemen....
Paul Maholm!
I felt this guy epitomized what we wanted this league to become for a few reasons. First, he plays for a last-place team. There's no way he would have a job at any other level of baseball, let alone any other major league team. But this is the Pirates, and they don't operate under the same rules as other teams. Second, he was pulled from his last few starts because of a sore back, and was replaced by a guy who was 0-6 with a 9.73 ERA, and THAT GUY WAS BETTER THAN HIM. Third, that's him smiling after giving up a home run. Nice job, winner!
And now the stats:
Paul started 2 games in September. He pitched in 4.2 innings. Uh oh, this isn't going well.
In those FOUR innings, he managed to give up 3 home runs. That's actually not totally awful, I suppose. If he goes the complete game, he ends up only giving up 8 jacks!
HE GAVE UP 21 HITS.
HE GAVE UP 17 RUNS.
OPPONENTS HIT .600 OFF OF HIM.
HIS ERA WAS 30.86.
That should just about do it. Obviously, those numbers speak for themselves. Congratulations Paul, you're immortalized for your failing! Smile about it!
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Off topic, you can start your NBA draft boards now, because we'll be drafting later this month. I would like to call dibs on every Timberwolves player please, including the fat one and the one that snuck a gat into the airport in his pillowcase. More info on the draft when it becomes available.
Congratulations Suspended Indefinitely!
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