All Your Two-bit Friends Have Gone And Ripped You Off

It's been a topsy-turvy week in the world of the Failure Football league, as it has been in life. We zero in on a momentous journey to The Meadows at week's end, leaving us in the peculiar position of actually betting against our failure teams, which somehow combines failing at life and failing at sport. That would make my head hurt, if not for this Zoloft.

We've seen it all so far in this league... locker room fights between teammates, a guy not letting his baby's momma leave his house (he just wants to talk! and possibly poop in her hamper), Joey "Joe" Harrington going the entire length of a regulation football game without throwing the ball to the other team, a guy who drove the wrong way down the street and then became verbally abusive to the cop, Tarvaris Jackson showing everyone he could indeed cause a loss all by himself, and all sorts of losers and career-do-nothings battling week in and week out only to come to the same inevitable conclusion that they were born scumbags, and will always be.

Alright then!

The stats for this week:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 21
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 16
Gary Anderson, Just Another In A Long Line of Heartbreakers and Dealmakers - 14
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 10
The Cleveland Steamers - 10

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A few notes:

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame had a pretty tough week, and he's got his running backs to blame. He recorded a total of zero rushes, which means there is no yards/carry to calculate. This enabled Tony Mandarich's Steroid-Enhanced Physique to grab a point, despite averaging 6.4 yards/carry. Get your head in the game, Dayne! Also, Joe Horn only grabbed two passes, narrowly averting having the same thing happen to his receivers.

Big, huge, monster week for The Smelly Pirate Hookers, who desperately needed a jump-start. Balanced numbers from QB, RB and WR, they were over 30 points off the lead a week ago, and now stand 12 points back of 4th place. A climb out of the cellar seems imminent, as the 1-2 combination of Joey "Joe" Harrington and Jason Campbell is like having both a Schlitz and a Stroh's on a Friday night, and when your roster has guys with names like "Ahman Green" and "Mike Furrey", you are never truly out of it.

The last two weeks have been absolutely brutal to The Cleveland Steamers, as they have fallen out of first and into 4th place behind the inexplicable success of Damon Huard and the wide receivers, one of which is named Bobby Wade. Luckily, like a tapeworm inside the belly of a rhino, his fantasy success is dependent upon guys like Tarvaris Jackson, and we know that this little upturn of success is nothing more than a blip on what otherwise is a downward trajectory of life.

And now to the Daunte Culpepper Award:



DeShaun Foster!

This is as much for this week as it is to highlight DeShaun's consistent performance over the season as one of the best failures in the backfield. But this week, well this week is what thrust him into the limelight.

They gave him the ball 17 times. And he rushed for 43 yards. His average was 2.5 yards per carry. His longest carry from scrimmage was 7 yards. He also contributed on the receiving end... catching 2 passes for 6 yards. That's an entire day playing football and only helping your team move the equivalent of half of the field. Great!

In the absence of their once-hero/now-broken quarterback, they probably needed Foster to really step up, and he responded by running headlong into the backs of his linemen and falling down. Had they not been bailed out by a man who is 43 years old, they would have certainly succumbed to failure. As it stands, DeShaun, until you break that crotch of yours and go down in a heap, you are this week's Failure Award Winner!