This league in a nutshell

Failure Fantasy NBA Draft Recap

We drafted them out tonight, and I think I speak for us all when I say I am very proud of all our teams. We struck a balance between thugs, weaklings, never-has-beens, and Ukrainians. Here is what we came away with:

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Pleads No Contest

Team: Orlando Magic

Players

Sebastian Telfair
Zach Randolph
Randolph Morris
Antoine Walker
Yi Jianlin
Darrick Martin
Oleksiy Pecherov
Speedy Claxton


Groin - Out Indefinitely

Team: Atlanta Hawks

Players

Shawn Livingston
Darko Milicic
Quincy Douby
Jannero Pargo
Johan Petro
Samuel Dalembert
Jamario Moon
Yakhouba Diawara


Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath

Team: Los Angeles Clippers

Players

Jerome James
Marko Jaric
Keith McCloud
Bo Outlaw
Mark Blount
Jason Collins
Royal Ivey
Ron Artest


Whore Island

Team: Philadelphia 76ers

Players

Rafer Alston
Raymond Felton
Ben Gordon
Jamal Crawford
Josh Smith
Rashad McCants
Beno Udrih
Stephen Jackson


Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town

Team: Minnesota Timberwolves

Players

Ben Wallace
Jamaal Tinsley
Chris Kaman
Derek Anderson
Zaza Pachulia
Damon Stoudemire
J.R. Smith
Ruben Patterson


Baskets and Bullets

Team: New York Knicks

Deshawn Stevenson
Brian Skinner
Brian Scalabrine
Joel Pryzbilla
Hassan Adams
Kyrylo Fesenko
Jake Voskhul
DJ Mbenga



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Note, to those who missed last night's activities, feel free to draft from the remaining pool of losers and make yourself a team. There should be plenty out there. And to all participants, remember to email me your starters, otherwise I'll just assume we'll use the first 5 guys you drafted.

Game on!

EDIT - It appears as though Jerome James' fat finally broke his knee. Oops! I'll redraft Michael Doleac in his place.

20 years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift

Look out kid, it's somethin' you did.

Week 8 is done, and we are now engaged in quite the horse race. It is getting brutal at the top, with a late comer threatening to pass everyone by in the 2nd half. The stats this week:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 21
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 21
Gary Anderson Wore A Single Bar To Protect His Face, So He Would Have A Better View As The Kick Sailed Wide Left - 17
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 15
The Cleveland Steamers - 11

As you can see, it has been an incredible run by the Smelly Pirate Hookers to get back into contention. Left for dead after week 5, they have now pulled themselves within 1 point of 4th place, and with a few good weeks could easily take the lead. It's really been their quarterback play that has propelled them - having Jason Campbell in a game in which his team loses by 6 touchdowns is always going to pay dividends.

The other side of that coin is the tragic downfall of the Cleveland Steamers, now 19 points out of first place. The failure of Charlie Frye in week 1 was an illusion, and Damon Huard has stepped up to play so well in the last few weeks, he seems to have succeeded his way right out of contention. Even in his absence this week, J.P. Losman stepped up and posted a 143.8 rating, which is a phrase that never needs mentioning again. Quarterback is an important position in this game, and The Steamers seem to be spinning their wheels at the moment. Hopefully Damon will take a few more shots to the head next week and they'll be back on track.

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This week, the biggest failure was easy to spot. Just scanning the stats, there was one guy who truly stood out as being the biggest loser among a whole flock of not-good-enough-to-be-paid-what-they-make guys. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this week's Daunte Culpepper Failure Award is (FINALLY!)


Daunte Culpepper!

Daunte and his mink coat have been teasing us for weeks with the kinds of D-level performance that only works in Oakland. But he kept me wanting more - more of the kind of failure that we know he's capable of. Well, this week, he stepped up to bat.

He completed 15 of 32 passes. I think even Keith Miller, famed Menomonie quarterback from 1993, could complete 50% of his passes in the NFL.

He threw one pick which is a bit off his average, but he fumbled FOUR TIMES. Now, this league does not count fumbles against a quarterback - only fumbles lost count as turnovers, and Daunte only lost one of them - but to put the ball on the ground 4 times, well that really guarantees there were at least 4 plays in which the field was "broken" as they say. Which is also a word you would use to describe Daunte's life.

All of those years with the Vikings, Daunte's famous move was to "get his roll on" by spinning his forearms in a circle in a progressively faster motion, simulating rolling down the field. Is 3 field goals getting your roll on? Is throwing 4 touchdowns so far this season rolling down the field? How about the 7 fumbles so far? You need to vacuum that coat.

And so, for guaranteeing yet another Raiders loss by dropping the ball consistently, and for a wonderful 4 year long (and counting) fall from grace, Daunte, you receive this week's Daunte Culpepper Failure Award!

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2 side notes:

1. This blog is open to any and all participation. This post is the 100th, so in celebration, let's all try to contribute as much as we can in the way of commentary and posts. It only thrives if we all take part. An addendum to that is that I know that I don't ask much, but please be mindful of your rosters and tell me who you want to start for this coming week. I'm simply keeping your starters from the week before, so if a guy starts simply because another has a bye week, he's going to stay starting until you tell me to take him down.

It's not that much effort, possibly a total of five minutes per week. If you fail at failing, then I don't know what to tell you.

2. The Failure NBA draft is tonight, at 9pm central time. Check your email for more information. If you would like to participate and haven't received an email, let me know. We'll be using AIM chat. Many Timberwolves will be drafted.

Nobody Loves You

Line them up, because the failures are walking proud this week. We're seeing more bunching up at the top, and it's going to be a dogfight as we enter the second half of the season. The numbers for this week:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 12
The Cleveland Steamers - 12
Gary Anderson's Hair Wasn't Enough To Get That Ball To Go Through - 12
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 9

The way this is going, one week could make or break your season, so start the guys best suited to total failure!

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For this week's award, just as it was the first time, there was really no question. Ladies and gentlemen, our first two time award winner...


Tarvaris Jackson!

This guy is the gift that keeps on giving. Tony Mandarich's Back Acne recognizes what a terrible decision it was to draft Adrian Peterson, seeing as how he may well win the MVP this year, but taking Jackson with the first pick was unmitigated genius.

Last week at Dallas, Jackson threw 19 passes. 6 of them were complete. That's less than 33%. He's going to have to try to complete at least half of his passes if he wants to be a quarterback for a living.

Those 6 passes went for 72 yards. That came out to 3.8 yards per attempt. I think AP averaged 10 yards every time he touched the ball. Hey Childress, get off your sack!

His 44.2 rating was good for dead last among such greats as Culpepper and Leftwich.

He lead his team down the path toward a comical loss at the hands of the Cowboys, and then as the train barreled into Loser Station, he jumped off and broke his index finger. He is Questionable at being healthy enough to play next week, and Definite for not going to start again this year.

On the plus side, he didn't contribute any turnovers to the Cowboys. But honestly, with numbers like that, who needs turnovers? Punts will do quite nicely.

Jackson's performance isn't all roses though: as he played so poorly for yet another week, he has likely forced "Coach" Childress to start a backup by the name of Holcomb in the next game, which could end Jackson's reign of terror in Minnesota. We shall call this the "Joey Harrington" syndrome: when a quarterback performs so beautifully for your failure fantasy team that he is benched, there-by giving you no more points. So far, we've seen it in Sexy Rex Grossman, Charlie Frye, Joey "Joe" Harrington (although he's going to start next week! giddy up!) and now Tarvaris.

God bless this league.

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On a slightly related note: get your draft boards ready for the Failure Fantasy NBA Draft, coming early next week. I'll announce it when a time is determined. With the first pick, I would like to choose a Knick!

Any Knick!

How do you spell A-C-L?

R-O-N. He was doing VERY well this season, too. OK, time to move on . . . replace with whom . . . replace with whom . . . replace with whom . . . well, if you can make Menominee look bad at State, then you must have talent . . . Aaron Stecker for $100, Alex.

All Your Two-bit Friends Have Gone And Ripped You Off

It's been a topsy-turvy week in the world of the Failure Football league, as it has been in life. We zero in on a momentous journey to The Meadows at week's end, leaving us in the peculiar position of actually betting against our failure teams, which somehow combines failing at life and failing at sport. That would make my head hurt, if not for this Zoloft.

We've seen it all so far in this league... locker room fights between teammates, a guy not letting his baby's momma leave his house (he just wants to talk! and possibly poop in her hamper), Joey "Joe" Harrington going the entire length of a regulation football game without throwing the ball to the other team, a guy who drove the wrong way down the street and then became verbally abusive to the cop, Tarvaris Jackson showing everyone he could indeed cause a loss all by himself, and all sorts of losers and career-do-nothings battling week in and week out only to come to the same inevitable conclusion that they were born scumbags, and will always be.

Alright then!

The stats for this week:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 21
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 16
Gary Anderson, Just Another In A Long Line of Heartbreakers and Dealmakers - 14
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 10
The Cleveland Steamers - 10

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A few notes:

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame had a pretty tough week, and he's got his running backs to blame. He recorded a total of zero rushes, which means there is no yards/carry to calculate. This enabled Tony Mandarich's Steroid-Enhanced Physique to grab a point, despite averaging 6.4 yards/carry. Get your head in the game, Dayne! Also, Joe Horn only grabbed two passes, narrowly averting having the same thing happen to his receivers.

Big, huge, monster week for The Smelly Pirate Hookers, who desperately needed a jump-start. Balanced numbers from QB, RB and WR, they were over 30 points off the lead a week ago, and now stand 12 points back of 4th place. A climb out of the cellar seems imminent, as the 1-2 combination of Joey "Joe" Harrington and Jason Campbell is like having both a Schlitz and a Stroh's on a Friday night, and when your roster has guys with names like "Ahman Green" and "Mike Furrey", you are never truly out of it.

The last two weeks have been absolutely brutal to The Cleveland Steamers, as they have fallen out of first and into 4th place behind the inexplicable success of Damon Huard and the wide receivers, one of which is named Bobby Wade. Luckily, like a tapeworm inside the belly of a rhino, his fantasy success is dependent upon guys like Tarvaris Jackson, and we know that this little upturn of success is nothing more than a blip on what otherwise is a downward trajectory of life.

And now to the Daunte Culpepper Award:



DeShaun Foster!

This is as much for this week as it is to highlight DeShaun's consistent performance over the season as one of the best failures in the backfield. But this week, well this week is what thrust him into the limelight.

They gave him the ball 17 times. And he rushed for 43 yards. His average was 2.5 yards per carry. His longest carry from scrimmage was 7 yards. He also contributed on the receiving end... catching 2 passes for 6 yards. That's an entire day playing football and only helping your team move the equivalent of half of the field. Great!

In the absence of their once-hero/now-broken quarterback, they probably needed Foster to really step up, and he responded by running headlong into the backs of his linemen and falling down. Had they not been bailed out by a man who is 43 years old, they would have certainly succumbed to failure. As it stands, DeShaun, until you break that crotch of yours and go down in a heap, you are this week's Failure Award Winner!

Smart Choices for Smart People

Whoever has the Vikings probably deserves an extra point or two.

Chairfighting 101 (Profs. James and Taylor)

Sometimes when I get really bored I get the urge to throw a chair at the largest guy in the room. I also like to rehab knee injuries by hurting my shoulder punching guys who are 50 pounds lighter.

These Are The Times To Remember, Cause They Will Not Last Forever

These are the days to hold on to...

This was a topsy-turvy week around the ranks of failure, with a glorious return to form from a few players. There were some good, some bad, and the very confusing case of Tony Romo. But we'll get to him in a bit. The stats this week:

Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 16
Gary Anderson Should've Stayed In The Goddamned Arena League - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 11
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 8
The Cleveland Steamers - 6

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Well, at least we saw our boys dig deep and find their inner fail after last week's debacle. The performances were uneven, certainly, but I suppose it's true that even the losers get lucky sometimes. The outliers all seem to have congregated on The Cleveland Steamers this week... both his quarterback and wide receivers played well, and that doesn't cut the mustard in this league.

And then there is the curious case of Tony Romo.

The stats are all there: 6 turnovers, 49.9 rating, 21 incomplete passes, a few picks returned for touchdowns.

The problem is that he won the game, showing remarkable moxie as the clock wound down to bring his team back from the brink and deliver the victory.

I'm sorry, but in this league, we just cannot reward victory of any kind, especially when he showed such brilliance in the clutch.

Nope, sorry, this week, our winner is:


Jon Kitna!!!!

Jon and the Lions (nice pick, Team Hold Spoon Over Flame) went into Washington, where they often pretend to have a football team but really it's just a collection of vagrants and high-priced castoffs like Bruce Smith and Doug Williams (wait, is this the right decade?). They fought valiently, keeping the score tied through the first quarter. But all good things must come to an end, and this "good thing" of the Lions actually being competitive had to end sooner rater than later. They ended up losing 34-3 with Jon doing his best to prove how pathetic it was that he actually beat the Vikings earlier this season.

He only threw two interceptions, which is his average.

His rating, however, was a scant 34.6. That's not going to get it done if you want to have a successful life, which obviously Jon does not.

The best stat is that he threw the ball 29 times for 106 yards. That works out to an average of 3.7 yards per attempt. On the other side, Campbell averaged 8.6. That's less than half, loser!

And so, Mr. Kitna, for dooming your team to failure right from the beginning of the game, you earn this week's Daunte Culpepper Failure Award!

I hate work

Luckily, ESPN does the work for us.

Hey Philadelphia,

Man, it was a fun ride, eh? Coming all the way back? That last month of the season, the Mets fading away, getting back to those first playoffs since Mitch Williams turned and watch it go real far? That must've been quite a blast.

Here's the thing about all that though: you unknowingly brought two of the greatest losers into the playoffs with you. They snuck in, likely in somebody's luggage, silently waiting to sabotage your season.

Hey, listen, I know. I know what it's like. You think you want to tear Kyle Lohse's face off after giving up a grand slam in game 2? We had to endure that idiot for 4 years. We had to look at all that potential and watch him flush it down the toilet one bad pitch after another. We had to watch him throw a shutout and come back the next time out and give up 9 runs in the second inning.

And tonight, as J.C. Romero begged to stay in the game, and two pitches later gave up a single that proved to be the game winner? We've seen that and a lot worse. We were stuck with him, too, for 4 years. One time he was even mentioned as a possible closer. He once set a Twins record for most consecutive innings without an earned run. You know the funny thing about that statistic? It's that it doesn't count the runs he gave up from guys that were already on base. Of which, I would have to ballpark his percentage during his entire Twins tenure at or around 100 percent. If there was a guy on second and a lefthander coming to bat with two outs, just go ahead and put J.C. in there. Oh, the lefty will get a hit, scoring the run, but don't worry. J.C. will strike the next guy out, thereby padding his stats and allowing the Twins to gain something of value from him in a trade.

See, these guys, they seethe failure. It's in their blood. They can never succeed. So don't worry. They fail, the sun rises, the Rockies make the NLCS. It happens.

I'm sorry, I tried to warn you.

Here's The Thing About Hyphenated Last Names

As far as I see it, there are really only two ways to achieve them.

I don't need to go into details.

In place of Cadillac BlackJack Baby Meet Me Outback We're Gonna Boogie Williams, who thought he could best help his team by wickedly bending he leg underneath his body, I take Maurice Jones-Drew.

I don't know anything about him other than that he has the aforementioned double last name, and that he plays for Jacksonville, which might as well be Blaine, Missouri.

We Might Have To Rename This Place "The Stephen Jackson" Blog

There are no words to describe this, only quotes:

Jackson will start the season with a seven-game suspension from NBA commissioner David Stern. Jackson pleaded guilty in June to a felony count of criminal recklessness stemming from an incident in which he fired a gun outside an Indiana strip club during training camp in October 2006. He was also sentenced to 100 hours of community service and fined $5,000.

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd....

Jackson, who is sporting a new tattoo, says the ink references his past while looking to his future. The image shows two praying hands in front of a church window holding a gun.

"I pray I never have to use it again," he explained to reporters.

That's great.

She's Got An Alligator Bag, Top Hat To Match, Dressed In Black On Black

Today, the curtain falls on the first Failure Fantasy Baseball season, and I personally couldn't be more proud of our guys. Just thinking of that feeling of anticipation before those Jose Contreras starts ("maybe he'll walk 12 batters!"), the consistency of Luis Rodriguez ("there's a guy on first and maybe he'll-NOPE, WEAK GROUNDER TO THE 2ND BASEMAN"), the all out ballsing-up of Byung Hyun Kim - released twice in the same month, and ending up with the same garbage team he started with. And who could forget Richie Sexson? Getting 5 at-bats in the month of September, failing to collect a hit, then going down for the season with "tendinitis". Nicely done, Richard.

And so, it gives me great pleasure to crown this year's winner of the Failure Fantasy Baseball League ...

SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY!

It's easy to see why they pulled away at the end for an easy victory - their team doesn't have any holes. Or, I should say, it's nothing but holes. Like Michael Bennett's ride when he's leaving Club Cancun. They dominated the league in errors, holding such fielding wizards as Yuneiskey Betancourt and Jason Bartlett, who only combined for 49 errors on the season. They were remarkably consistent in strikeouts and average, the biggest losers being guys like BJ Upton and Ray Durham - two players in very different places in their career, but with one thing in common: they shouldn't be playing major league baseball for their full time job. And of course, you can't look past the pitching, of which they were top shelf nearly every month. Wastes-of-space like Boof Bonser and Daniel Cabrera nearly guarantee victory. Let's put it this way - earlier in the season, Suspended Indefinitely dropped Jeff Weaver from their roster because he was doing TOO GOOD. That's a quality team, when you can afford to dump Mr. Garbage.

The final stats:

Suspended Indefinitely - 116
Cap'n Kanani - 108
You Dead, Dawg - 102
Billz - 81
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 72
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 45

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A few things jump out... first, you'll notice quite a fall from grace for CDTBT. Well, you can blame that on Milwaukee's remarkable September run to get back into the race. Get this: in September the Brewers drew more fans than San Francisco, lost fewer games than any other team (5!) and scored an unbelievable 108 runs. All three of these stats were good for last place, ensuring a bad month for CDTBT. And to think, the season started so promising with a guy named Ryu having an era in the triple digits.

On the flip side of that was the great month had by Team Billz. After spending most of the season as an also-ran, they really stepped up in the last month. The culprit? A healthy ERA of 12.825, which coincidentally equals Johan Santana's in games that mattered (OH GOD BLASPHEMY). Also they were boosted by Cincinnati dumping a gut-wrenching 9 games at home, which just goes to show you that these guys try even when they are out of the playoff race. Also, someone bungy jumped off Griffey's nut, or something. All things considered, to come in with 31 failure points for the month was definitely a good showing for Team Billz, and here's hoping they can take that failing momentum into next year!

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I'm going to go out on a limb for this month's Jose Contreras Award winner, and I think you'll agree with me that it's one of the boldest selections yet. This isn't a guy you thought would step up huge, as he was simply languishing in the Pittsburgh rotation for most of the season, content to turn 10-5 games into 17-5 ones. But then in September, he grabbed the failing baton with such gusto, he simply had to receive recognition. Ladies and gentlemen....


Paul Maholm!

I felt this guy epitomized what we wanted this league to become for a few reasons. First, he plays for a last-place team. There's no way he would have a job at any other level of baseball, let alone any other major league team. But this is the Pirates, and they don't operate under the same rules as other teams. Second, he was pulled from his last few starts because of a sore back, and was replaced by a guy who was 0-6 with a 9.73 ERA, and THAT GUY WAS BETTER THAN HIM. Third, that's him smiling after giving up a home run. Nice job, winner!

And now the stats:

Paul started 2 games in September. He pitched in 4.2 innings. Uh oh, this isn't going well.

In those FOUR innings, he managed to give up 3 home runs. That's actually not totally awful, I suppose. If he goes the complete game, he ends up only giving up 8 jacks!

HE GAVE UP 21 HITS.

HE GAVE UP 17 RUNS.

OPPONENTS HIT .600 OFF OF HIM.

HIS ERA WAS 30.86.

That should just about do it. Obviously, those numbers speak for themselves. Congratulations Paul, you're immortalized for your failing! Smile about it!

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Off topic, you can start your NBA draft boards now, because we'll be drafting later this month. I would like to call dibs on every Timberwolves player please, including the fat one and the one that snuck a gat into the airport in his pillowcase. More info on the draft when it becomes available.

Congratulations Suspended Indefinitely!

This Is What We're After!

I like when other people do my job for me. Then all I have to do is lazily paste a link on this here blog.

So, here's to failing!

People train run outta ... Stubbville

Let's make one thing clear here: we started this league in order to identify and celebrate the biggest failures in the professional iteration of football in this country. Our goal was simply to revel in watching players fumble and bumble both their lives and the hopes and dreams of thousands of fans down the toilet. It was to witness failure in its highest form.

So, this is NOT what we signed up for:

Daunte Culpepper's rating of 102.4. And the fact that he DIDN'T THROW AN INTERCEPTION
Joey Harrington's rating of 121.7
Jon Kitna having a PERFECT CHRIST RATING of 137.3
Bobby Wade averaging 16.6 yards per catch
Mike Furrey - MIKE FURREY - averaging 18.2 yards per catch
Ronnie Brown and Adrian Peterson - 8.9 and 9.3 yards/attempt and ZERO fumbles

This week has been absolutely atrocious. Nearly every single performance was successful. Just take a look at the QBs, the lowest rating was Damon Huard, with 86. That's above league average. Even Matt Schaub cracked a hundred.

Luckily, if my days grinding at the Las Vegas Club have taught me anything, it's that sometimes the numbers lie. All I know is that next week we better see some SERIOUS regression, because these types of performances basically nullify the reason to even have this league. What good does it do to reward someone like Damon Huard for just being not as good as the others? This league isn't about "not as good". It's about "never in your life going to be successful at anything you do". It's about "absolutely no ability to grow a mustache" or "can barely walk, let alone run". Come on guys, let's pick it up next week.

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I almost suspended the Daunte Culpepper award this week, simply due to my anger at how our teams fared, but then I caught a glimpse of someone who was silently carrying on the fail without any fanfare. He was just off in the desert doing his thing, taking the ball and running full steam into the backs of his linemen without a care in the world. Ladies and gentlemen...



Willie Parker!

The Steelers are generally considered a "good" team, but Willie isn't really what you'd call a "good" player, that is unless you reward fumbles, and boy, do we ever! On Sunday, the Steelers visited the Arizona Cardinals, who aren't so much a football team as an idea at this point. So what did old Willie do?

Well, he carried the ball 19 times. And he ran for a total of 37 yards. That's 1.9 yards per carry. He also fumbled once.

Here's the kicker: his longest rush from scrimmage was 20 yards. If you take that out, he rushed 18 times for 17 yards. Hey, even Ron Dayne gets a yard from scrimmage each time!

To top it off, the Steelers lost their first game of the year, making this performance worthy of this week's Daunte Culpepper award. Congratulations, Gary Anderson Could Kick Them Really Straight Until They Mattered, And Then He Looked Like Scott Norwood Only Older!

We'll see you next week!