This week:
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 19
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 16
The Cleveland Steamers - 14
Gary Anderson - Should He Have Retired In 97? - 5
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 4
As you can see, we've got quite a split for the numbers. The Hookers step up with a very balanced attack, coming in at or around the top in every major category. Jason Campbell will do that for you. He's just as bad as all the other guys, but fortunately for the Hooks, he throws the ball 50 times a game. Hey Joe! You've got Portis in your backfield! Run him, skank!
Terrible week for Tony Mandarich and Gary Anderson (not the first time that's been uttered). Tarvaris Jackson and Vince Young combine to completely submarine their chances. Tarvaris goes 10 for 12, and doesn't even throw a pick. Stupid Giants, BLITZ MORE!
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Pick a loser, any loser, and this week, you come up with:
DeShaun Foster!
Our second repeat-winner of the Daunte Culpepper Failure Award, DeShaun has been quite busy!
First off, he's been busy losing! His Panthers have dropped 5 straight, and are now 4-7. With tough games against Dallas and Jacksonville looming, their chances of making the playoffs are somewhere between zero and negative zero.
Secondly, he's been busy running into the line of scrimmage and falling down! So far this season he has carried 182 times for 670 yards. So it's not like his team is keeping the ball away from him. He's just failing! His longest rush of the season is 20 yards. His best game was in Atlanta (he's the 205th player you can say that about this year), and he's been absolutely atrocious at home - where, coincidentally, the Panthers have not won a game this year.
This week though, it was magic.
He carried the ball 9 times. Now, if you carry the ball nine times, you would expect your total yards gained to be a number greater than zero. That's an incorrect expectation. His total was -5 yards. That's a false start penalty. In summary, instead of giving the ball to DeShaun, you could've just had one of the fat guys jump offsides, and that would've saved you the trouble.
The mystery is that his longest run was 6 yards. So, if you take that run away, he carried 8 times for -11 yards. What happened, did he intentionally run the ball backwards and go out of bounds like I used to do at Super Tecmo Bowl to get my stats up? Because that was a video game.
The truly beautiful stat, though, is his two fumbles. TWO. FUMBLES.
When your team gives you the ball 9 times in a game, it's pretty unrealistic to think that you're going to fumble once. And twice... well that's just impossible. Not for DeShaun. He carries 9 times, goes backwards, and fumbles. Outstanding. The icing on the cake is that his team lost 31-6 to New Orleans at home. I heard that Onterrio Smith is available on the waiver wire, guys!
DeShaun, you're doing the lord's work. Keep it up and there will be many more super bowl media day shenanigans like the picture illustrates above.
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Small note, I reworked the statistics, so you will see a slightly different number on the sidebar compared to last week. I am now counting fumbles as one point, instead of ranking them on a sliding scale. So that brought the overall point totals down, but didn't make a difference in the difference between teams. Carry on.
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