Isn't there enough failures in this family?
Note for 2011 Fantasy Draft: YES.
Mike Senior's other son? His name is Baker, and he didn't quite make it to the show. He ended up playing for the Martixx Magixx in the Netherlands. Then again, that sounds better than where Mike Jr. is playing right now. I bet all of Baker's teammates tried.
January 24, 2008
January 18, 2008
January 13, 2008
January 12, 2008
Many questions
About this.
1st. The Hawks are "playoff contenders", safeguards of the 8th spot currently? Looks like the East hasn't changed.
2nd. Why are the Hawks getting fined? Is this Russia, this isn't Russia.
3rd. Learn how to count to 6, refs.
4rd. Sometimes when you win, you lose.
1st. The Hawks are "playoff contenders", safeguards of the 8th spot currently? Looks like the East hasn't changed.
2nd. Why are the Hawks getting fined? Is this Russia, this isn't Russia.
3rd. Learn how to count to 6, refs.
4rd. Sometimes when you win, you lose.
January 10, 2008
January 7, 2008
The Thing About Guns Is...
It's against the law to wave them threateningly at your cab driver
He'll always have that Dunk Contest Championship though, right?
He'll always have that Dunk Contest Championship though, right?
We Like To Ride On Executive Planes
Admittedly, it's been an uneven season here in the land of the White Blanket. Last year greeted us with the news that the Golden Gophers had hired a Real, Live, Actual Coach, one that would coach a basketball team of players who would play basketball, rather than a small weaselly half-man coaching 12 high-on-ether leftovers who weren't recruited by the big powers in the midwest: South Dakota State and Mesabi Junior College (Iron Range UP!). This was good news. We rode that wave into July, when a dumb man (rhymes with Ren Sailor) allowed an even dumber man (rhymes with Jacknuts Fuckhead) to trade the only good thing that has ever existed regarding basketball in the state of Minnesota (Mikan not withstanding).
I was in Boston when this happened, and I've since written more than a few thousand words on the topic, so I don't care to go into it here. Suffice it to say:
1. I would wish McHale death.... if he weren't already a reanimated corpse.
2. Sebastian Telfair is the on-court leader for the Wolves now.
3. Randy Wittman is the kind of guy who tells everyone he is "from" Minneapolis when he in fact was raised in Edina and now lives in Bloomington. That is to say: he is a goddamned loser.
And so we go into this Failure Basketball season with a little more incentive to find the true scumbags, we root a little harder for our own team to fail (note to Eddie Telfair: WISE CHOICE ON YOUR TEAM), we celebrate the awfulness, the dark curtain that has descended on this region. Let's face it, we've always been more comfortable pulling for losers in this state - an entire regiment of purple-clad dipshits can vouch - and so this is just natural.
The season is underway. Let's revel in the degeneration of a sport.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The stats:
November
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 31
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Pleads No Contest - 17
Whore Island - 17
December
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 25
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 24
Pleads No Contest - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Whore Island - 14
------------------------------------------------------------------
Now to highlight some of the stats. One of the things that makes this league and others like it great are putting in perspective just how bad some professional athletes are compared to others. For example, in the month of December, Antoine Walker missed 20 shots per 48 minutes. No one else in the league got above 16. That means that Antoine walker, when he is on the floor, misses a shot every two minutes. Not just takes a shot. Misses one.
If you took the starting five for Baskets and Bullets in November and had them play a 48 minute game, they would accumulate THIRTY FOUR fouls. That's almost 7 per player. That's every single member of your team fouling out.
In December, the squad from Baskets and Bullets averaged 57.6 points per 48 minutes. The owners of teams in this league could get together and play a game against these scumbags, and we would likely defeat them. 57 points is below many teams' records for fewest points scored in a game.
And finally, the squad from Pleads No Contest - in our mythical 48 minute game - would miss 64.5 shots per game. To put that in perspective: the Wolves got absolutely torn open in their last game against Dallas, and they only missed 47 shots. Watching that game was like watching someone vomiting for 2 hours... and imagine if they would've missed 20 more shots. Ryan Gomes would've broken his wrist.
------------------------------------------------------------------
As has been custom in the other leagues, we will be highlighting a unique player each month and presenting an award based on extraordinary failure. As this is the first post of the season (someone likey drinky too much!), there will be two. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present the first two winners of the J.R. Rider Failure Of The Month Award to:
Joel Przybilla and Zaza Pachulia!
First, Joel. Well, it's been a great career for Big Minnesota. Lucky for him he doesn't have to study anymore! Stupid books, where's Ganglehoff? Joel, in case you didn't know, dropped out of college because his coach was fired for encouraging his players to cheat on exams and classwork. When his new coach made him study and learn, he decided he'd had enough! It was off to the NBA!
In the month of November, Joel averaged 4.2 turnovers per 48 minutes, with an astounding 7.7 fouls as well. That's fantastic. He only scored 13.2 points per 48, making him ineffective by nearly every measure of quality you could use in the sport.
And then there is Zaza.
First, there is the matter of his face.
Secondly, in the month of December, Zaza averaged 5.6 turnovers and 7 fouls. This may seem like a high number, but in Tbilisi - where Zaza was born - they allow 8 fouls per game. So he would just have to sit out for a few minutes at the end of every half, then he's good to go. Zaza plays for the Hawks, which makes me and everyone in this league happy. He's a Georgian playing in Georgia! (wince)
I was in Boston when this happened, and I've since written more than a few thousand words on the topic, so I don't care to go into it here. Suffice it to say:
1. I would wish McHale death.... if he weren't already a reanimated corpse.
2. Sebastian Telfair is the on-court leader for the Wolves now.
3. Randy Wittman is the kind of guy who tells everyone he is "from" Minneapolis when he in fact was raised in Edina and now lives in Bloomington. That is to say: he is a goddamned loser.
And so we go into this Failure Basketball season with a little more incentive to find the true scumbags, we root a little harder for our own team to fail (note to Eddie Telfair: WISE CHOICE ON YOUR TEAM), we celebrate the awfulness, the dark curtain that has descended on this region. Let's face it, we've always been more comfortable pulling for losers in this state - an entire regiment of purple-clad dipshits can vouch - and so this is just natural.
The season is underway. Let's revel in the degeneration of a sport.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The stats:
November
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 31
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Pleads No Contest - 17
Whore Island - 17
December
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 25
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train to Hot Town - 24
Pleads No Contest - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 19
Baskets and Bullets - 18
Whore Island - 14
------------------------------------------------------------------
Now to highlight some of the stats. One of the things that makes this league and others like it great are putting in perspective just how bad some professional athletes are compared to others. For example, in the month of December, Antoine Walker missed 20 shots per 48 minutes. No one else in the league got above 16. That means that Antoine walker, when he is on the floor, misses a shot every two minutes. Not just takes a shot. Misses one.
If you took the starting five for Baskets and Bullets in November and had them play a 48 minute game, they would accumulate THIRTY FOUR fouls. That's almost 7 per player. That's every single member of your team fouling out.
In December, the squad from Baskets and Bullets averaged 57.6 points per 48 minutes. The owners of teams in this league could get together and play a game against these scumbags, and we would likely defeat them. 57 points is below many teams' records for fewest points scored in a game.
And finally, the squad from Pleads No Contest - in our mythical 48 minute game - would miss 64.5 shots per game. To put that in perspective: the Wolves got absolutely torn open in their last game against Dallas, and they only missed 47 shots. Watching that game was like watching someone vomiting for 2 hours... and imagine if they would've missed 20 more shots. Ryan Gomes would've broken his wrist.
------------------------------------------------------------------
As has been custom in the other leagues, we will be highlighting a unique player each month and presenting an award based on extraordinary failure. As this is the first post of the season (someone likey drinky too much!), there will be two. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present the first two winners of the J.R. Rider Failure Of The Month Award to:
Joel Przybilla and Zaza Pachulia!
First, Joel. Well, it's been a great career for Big Minnesota. Lucky for him he doesn't have to study anymore! Stupid books, where's Ganglehoff? Joel, in case you didn't know, dropped out of college because his coach was fired for encouraging his players to cheat on exams and classwork. When his new coach made him study and learn, he decided he'd had enough! It was off to the NBA!
In the month of November, Joel averaged 4.2 turnovers per 48 minutes, with an astounding 7.7 fouls as well. That's fantastic. He only scored 13.2 points per 48, making him ineffective by nearly every measure of quality you could use in the sport.
And then there is Zaza.
First, there is the matter of his face.
Secondly, in the month of December, Zaza averaged 5.6 turnovers and 7 fouls. This may seem like a high number, but in Tbilisi - where Zaza was born - they allow 8 fouls per game. So he would just have to sit out for a few minutes at the end of every half, then he's good to go. Zaza plays for the Hawks, which makes me and everyone in this league happy. He's a Georgian playing in Georgia! (wince)
January 6, 2008
Chargers vs. Titans
Coach Turner vs. QB Young. Who is smarter? Titans in the red zone to start the 4th . . .
January 4, 2008
She already served me!
Whoops!
Referee Tony Brothers had called Randolph for a foul, and Randolph pulled off his headband and threw it at him.
Git out ma face!
Now, I don't think this is necessarily bonus-point-worthy, but the matter is open to debate. Because throwing things at referees is an activity we want to encourage in this league.
January 2, 2008
A Personal Recap
"The Braintrust" at Team HSOF has spent most of the day in the "war room" sitting back in their folding chairs (low budget operation). What went right . . . What went wrong . . . already thinking next year.
All in all, the commish is correct on the "quality" of WRs. D. Mason was an every week performer . . . well except for week 16 . . . thanks. Let's analyze. 5 catches for 98 yards and 1 TD WITH A LONG OF 79 YARDS. Final score 27-6 and you lost. The TD you scored of 79 yards in the 4TH QUARTER didn't matter. Glory hog. I bet your coach was happy . . . while still an employee of the Baltimore Ravens. You're forgiven.
My only comment on helping the league would be to find some site that keeps track of dropped passes.
Much like the research done by Tony Back Acne on Tavaris, Team HSOF took a gamble with Brad Hoover, or B Hoov as he is known on my team. Not to be confused. "The Braintrust" did its research. The metrics, the stats, the plats. B Hoov is situational. When it is 2nd and 8, you hope like hell they only get 7, like they did. Just put your arms in the air because it is Hoover time. Cha-ching. B Hoov will won't get tackled for a loss. Not in him. Not wired that way. But ain't getting much farther than the line of scrimmage.
I have played "normal" fantasy football and I have to say this was much more fun. Being at bar and seeing a hand off to Najeh and yelling,
"Tackle him!"
"You goin' against Najeh this week, huh?"
"Nope. He's on MY team."
Confusion everywhere.
Much more fun.
Well . . . time to see if that Ukranian pick of mine is healthy yet . . . Nope. I guess when you break your glowin' bone, it takes some time. That face. Jesus.
All in all, the commish is correct on the "quality" of WRs. D. Mason was an every week performer . . . well except for week 16 . . . thanks. Let's analyze. 5 catches for 98 yards and 1 TD WITH A LONG OF 79 YARDS. Final score 27-6 and you lost. The TD you scored of 79 yards in the 4TH QUARTER didn't matter. Glory hog. I bet your coach was happy . . . while still an employee of the Baltimore Ravens. You're forgiven.
My only comment on helping the league would be to find some site that keeps track of dropped passes.
Much like the research done by Tony Back Acne on Tavaris, Team HSOF took a gamble with Brad Hoover, or B Hoov as he is known on my team. Not to be confused. "The Braintrust" did its research. The metrics, the stats, the plats. B Hoov is situational. When it is 2nd and 8, you hope like hell they only get 7, like they did. Just put your arms in the air because it is Hoover time. Cha-ching. B Hoov will won't get tackled for a loss. Not in him. Not wired that way. But ain't getting much farther than the line of scrimmage.
I have played "normal" fantasy football and I have to say this was much more fun. Being at bar and seeing a hand off to Najeh and yelling,
"Tackle him!"
"You goin' against Najeh this week, huh?"
"Nope. He's on MY team."
Confusion everywhere.
Much more fun.
Well . . . time to see if that Ukranian pick of mine is healthy yet . . . Nope. I guess when you break your glowin' bone, it takes some time. That face. Jesus.
January 1, 2008
Failure Fantasy Football 2007 - These Are The Times To Remember
And so it ends. The season, like so many of the players in this league, crashing to a slow and awkward stop, walking away hobbled, clutching for a small amount of dignity in this, its final moments, as boos shower down from the upper deck.
It really was one hell of a ride. We've seen locker room fights, restraining orders, driving the wrong way down an alley to avoid police, substance abuse and generally just giving up and quitting. And that's just off the field. Between the lines we saw a zero QB rating, 4 interception games galore (and one 6 INT performance by Tony Romo), running backs with negative yardage, receivers fumbling 2 and 3 times per game, and defenses giving up over 6000 yards for the season.
Before we get to the final results, let's do a few highlights for each team, as we all had something to cheer for at one time or another.
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne
With the very first pick in the draft, Tony shunned all expectations and drafted Tarvaris Jackson of the Minnesota Vikings. This was a very risky move, as any injury or benching could lead to that pick backfiring big time. Of course, the move paid off time and time again, with Tarvaris showing in week 2 against the Detroit Lions just how bad he could be. A 26.4 rating with 4 interceptions was good enough to earn Tony Mandarich 12 points from the QB position alone. Tarvaris' play was inconsistent all year, though, and late in the season he posted ratings over 100 TWICE. But in the end he stumbled to a 70.8 rating with under 2000 yards passing and a sorry 8-8 record to go with it.
Also, late season addition Roscoe Parrish proved to be quite a solid pickup, sporting games where he averaged 1, 3 and -2 yards per catch. His weakness was the long ball though, and in week 16 he caught one pass for 42 yards, submarining Tony's chances that week.
All in all, it was a learning year for Tony Mandarich, and his team selection of the Tennessee Titans (the only team among the failures to actually go to the playoffs) pretty much crippled his season before it began. Note for next year, MIAMI FUCK DOLPHINS.
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame
The motto of the year for THSOF had to be "Hard Work". Week in and week out, they broke down the statistical analysis of failure, searching for the right combination of losers to start. They made transactions when they had to, and always pursued the perfect formula of losing.
Quarterback Rex Grossman paid off immediately. Despite going to the super bowl last year, he was benched in the 3rd week of the season, only returning after the Bears' season had slipped away. In his first three games he never posted a rating above 60, and threw 6 interceptions.
From Rex, they turned to Duante Culpepper, which is not a phrase you want your football team to ever utter. He responded by signing autographs in a mink coat. He gave way to Josh McCown, who went to prom. The team ended the year starting Kyle Orton, which is kind of like ending a night of drinking at White Castle.
The wide receivers also were consistently bad, led by Derrick Mason and Ted Ginn Jr. The entire 4-man squad performed well all season, ensuring THSOF points even in otherwise wasted weeks. Whereas other teams were often killed by receivers making big catches at inopportune times, Mason never seemed to be able to catch a pass longer than 10 yards.
The Cleveland Steamers
They started with a bang, got consistent rushing all year, but faded at the tape, as their team lunged towards the playoffs with inspired performances.
The first week might have been the most productive week of the season for the Steamers, as Quarterback Charlie "French" Frye threw up a rating of ten, then was benched, then was traded. From there, he turned to Damon Huard. Check out that link, and I'll tell you the pattern I see. You see week 10? That 18.9 QB rating? Then you see those " - " marks for the next two weeks? Yeah.... Damon no play anymore. But then... what's this? He's back for week 13! 56.7 rating and 3 turnovers? WEE. OMP. Two more dash marks for you, Mr. Huard. Damon, while never putting up what would be considered "successful" numbers, was nonetheless not as horrible as Frye, and the QB position would be a bone of contention for the Steamers all year long.
Not so for the running game. Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson were absolute dogs this season, each completely submarining their team's ability to win games. Each week, with regularity, one or both of them would average less than 2 yards a carry, and fumbles were plentiful. Without a doubt, it was these two backs who kept the Steamers afloat during the lean quarterback times.
Gary Anderson And Scott Norwood Had A Love Child And Its Name Rhymed With "Railure"
The team from Richfield had little to celebrate this year, but there were performances that stand out amidst the trash.
Namely, Vince Young, a fella that couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, let alone a rushing lineman. He tossed up a 71.1 rating for the year, achieving such mind-boggling lows as 34.5, 36.5 and 38.1. He misfired on damn near 150 passes this year, Throwing 17 interceptions to 9 touchdowns. He also fumbled the ball 10 times. The knock on Vince can be summed up thusly: Small hands, awkward not-for-the-NFL throwing motion, limited mobility, baby arm, poor decision-making. Great choice, Fisher!
Sadly, down the stretch, the Vikings turned on the jets and began winning games at home, which knocked Gary Anderson slowly out of the championship picture. It was a great season, however, and a learning experience for next year.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
Without a doubt, they had the best quarterback play of the season. It seemed like no matter who they turned to, that man would quickly learn to throw the ball into the turf with great gusto.
They started the year with Joey Harrington under center. He did not disappoint. Throwing 8 picks and only 7 touchdowns, sporting a rating consistently under 80, and actually being able to make a large number of passes due to the complete absence of a running game (I think that's Warrick Dunn's new nickname... "Absence of a Running Game").
After benching Joey, they drew the rabbit out of the hat with Fat Byron Leftwich, and he responded by posting a sub-50 rating, 12 failed passes and 3 fumbles. They were embarrassed 31-7 by Tampa Bay, and Leftwich was benched for the rest of the season.
Then came Jason Campbell. A perfectly fine quarterback in his own right, he just threw too many goddamned passes. Hey Joe, you've got Portis! Run more! Campbell threw 417 passes this season, 167 of which were incomplete. Alas, he broke himself and the Skins had to turn to A Collins Not Named Kerry to save their season. Luckily "Save Their Season" meant playing the Vikings late in the year, which equals WIN WIN EVERY TIME OH GOD IT'S A GUARANTEED WIN.
So to shore up their wounded quarterback corps, The Hookers turned to Chris Redman, starting quarterback of the Atlanta Football Falcons.
He, in turn, responded with a Zero quarterback rating.
That was the highlight of the season.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Again, before we get to the final standings, I want to hand out the First Annual Daunte Culpepper Award for the Failure NFL Player of the Year.
I find it hard to believe that this guy didn't win one failure award all year. He was there time and time again, grabbing the ball and running headlong into a pile at the line of scrimmage. If there was a hole, he'd find a way to fall down before he could hit it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
RUDI JOHNSON!
(he's on the right)
Here's a Bengals team that won 7 games all year... 3 of which happened when Rudi didn't even play. That means that when he played, they went 4-8. He tallied 497 yards this year, despite being their feature back, and averaged 2.9 yards per carry. He had one lone game against the Browns wherein he achieved more than 100 yards rushing. His longest from scrimmage was 22 yards... he only scored 3 touchdowns. He fumbled 3 times. Overall, his performance set the tone for a drastically underperforming Bengals team, and it's because of him that The Cleveland Steamers were able to weather the storm of QB inconsistency this year. Cheers, Rudi. I know you'll go in the first round next year.
-------------------------------------------------------
And now, without further delay, the final standings for 2007:
Coming in at 5th place, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne, with 255 points. Stupid Titans! Allow more yards!
4th place goes to Gary Anderson Missed A Kick On My Birthday And All I Got Was This Failed 4-1 Vikings-To-Win-The-Super-Bowl Betting Slip From Binion's. They scored 271 points on the year, but it was their team, the Vikings, that killed them down the stretch.
3rd place goes to The Smelly Pirate Hookers, with 289 points. Their team, the Raiders, lost 6 games at home this year. That's something to hang your hat on.
AND IN A TIE FOR FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame and The Cleveland Steamers, each with 297 failure points!
--------------------------------------------------------
I calculated this thing out every which way from Wednesday, and I can't come up with a winner. Each had a spectacular bonus point incident: The Steamers with Leigh Bodden driving in reverse down a one way street and becoming verbally abusive towards police. And Team Hold Spoon, with Najeh Davenport being arrested for domestic violence, endangering children and unlawful restraint. He also one time defecated in a woman's clothes hamper. You see? Too close to call.
I'd really like to declare a winner based on some arbitrary ruling of bonus points, but I just can't do it. In some ways, it seems perfect to end the season in a tie, as though we couldn't pick a winner because we failed so much. Lord knows throughout the season, many of our players would've equated "tie" to "win", and the Dolphins would have sacrificed a child to come away with just a few ties. As it is, I'm going to let it stand, and crown a double champion for our first year of Failure Fantasy Football.
------------------------------------------------------------
A note to all players... the champions are responsible for their own collections. So far, The Cleveland Steamers were the only ones to pay their entry fee, which will be returned to them and split with Team Hold Spoon. Everyone else, pay up! Get in touch with me or directly with the winning teams to settle the bill, or just buy them a Mickey's sometime. I'll keep track of who pays what, and we can roll it into some sort of slush fund for future purchases of salsa, if you like.
It really was one hell of a ride. We've seen locker room fights, restraining orders, driving the wrong way down an alley to avoid police, substance abuse and generally just giving up and quitting. And that's just off the field. Between the lines we saw a zero QB rating, 4 interception games galore (and one 6 INT performance by Tony Romo), running backs with negative yardage, receivers fumbling 2 and 3 times per game, and defenses giving up over 6000 yards for the season.
Before we get to the final results, let's do a few highlights for each team, as we all had something to cheer for at one time or another.
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne
With the very first pick in the draft, Tony shunned all expectations and drafted Tarvaris Jackson of the Minnesota Vikings. This was a very risky move, as any injury or benching could lead to that pick backfiring big time. Of course, the move paid off time and time again, with Tarvaris showing in week 2 against the Detroit Lions just how bad he could be. A 26.4 rating with 4 interceptions was good enough to earn Tony Mandarich 12 points from the QB position alone. Tarvaris' play was inconsistent all year, though, and late in the season he posted ratings over 100 TWICE. But in the end he stumbled to a 70.8 rating with under 2000 yards passing and a sorry 8-8 record to go with it.
Also, late season addition Roscoe Parrish proved to be quite a solid pickup, sporting games where he averaged 1, 3 and -2 yards per catch. His weakness was the long ball though, and in week 16 he caught one pass for 42 yards, submarining Tony's chances that week.
All in all, it was a learning year for Tony Mandarich, and his team selection of the Tennessee Titans (the only team among the failures to actually go to the playoffs) pretty much crippled his season before it began. Note for next year, MIAMI FUCK DOLPHINS.
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame
The motto of the year for THSOF had to be "Hard Work". Week in and week out, they broke down the statistical analysis of failure, searching for the right combination of losers to start. They made transactions when they had to, and always pursued the perfect formula of losing.
Quarterback Rex Grossman paid off immediately. Despite going to the super bowl last year, he was benched in the 3rd week of the season, only returning after the Bears' season had slipped away. In his first three games he never posted a rating above 60, and threw 6 interceptions.
From Rex, they turned to Duante Culpepper, which is not a phrase you want your football team to ever utter. He responded by signing autographs in a mink coat. He gave way to Josh McCown, who went to prom. The team ended the year starting Kyle Orton, which is kind of like ending a night of drinking at White Castle.
The wide receivers also were consistently bad, led by Derrick Mason and Ted Ginn Jr. The entire 4-man squad performed well all season, ensuring THSOF points even in otherwise wasted weeks. Whereas other teams were often killed by receivers making big catches at inopportune times, Mason never seemed to be able to catch a pass longer than 10 yards.
The Cleveland Steamers
They started with a bang, got consistent rushing all year, but faded at the tape, as their team lunged towards the playoffs with inspired performances.
The first week might have been the most productive week of the season for the Steamers, as Quarterback Charlie "French" Frye threw up a rating of ten, then was benched, then was traded. From there, he turned to Damon Huard. Check out that link, and I'll tell you the pattern I see. You see week 10? That 18.9 QB rating? Then you see those " - " marks for the next two weeks? Yeah.... Damon no play anymore. But then... what's this? He's back for week 13! 56.7 rating and 3 turnovers? WEE. OMP. Two more dash marks for you, Mr. Huard. Damon, while never putting up what would be considered "successful" numbers, was nonetheless not as horrible as Frye, and the QB position would be a bone of contention for the Steamers all year long.
Not so for the running game. Kevin Jones and Rudi Johnson were absolute dogs this season, each completely submarining their team's ability to win games. Each week, with regularity, one or both of them would average less than 2 yards a carry, and fumbles were plentiful. Without a doubt, it was these two backs who kept the Steamers afloat during the lean quarterback times.
Gary Anderson And Scott Norwood Had A Love Child And Its Name Rhymed With "Railure"
The team from Richfield had little to celebrate this year, but there were performances that stand out amidst the trash.
Namely, Vince Young, a fella that couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, let alone a rushing lineman. He tossed up a 71.1 rating for the year, achieving such mind-boggling lows as 34.5, 36.5 and 38.1. He misfired on damn near 150 passes this year, Throwing 17 interceptions to 9 touchdowns. He also fumbled the ball 10 times. The knock on Vince can be summed up thusly: Small hands, awkward not-for-the-NFL throwing motion, limited mobility, baby arm, poor decision-making. Great choice, Fisher!
Sadly, down the stretch, the Vikings turned on the jets and began winning games at home, which knocked Gary Anderson slowly out of the championship picture. It was a great season, however, and a learning experience for next year.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
Without a doubt, they had the best quarterback play of the season. It seemed like no matter who they turned to, that man would quickly learn to throw the ball into the turf with great gusto.
They started the year with Joey Harrington under center. He did not disappoint. Throwing 8 picks and only 7 touchdowns, sporting a rating consistently under 80, and actually being able to make a large number of passes due to the complete absence of a running game (I think that's Warrick Dunn's new nickname... "Absence of a Running Game").
After benching Joey, they drew the rabbit out of the hat with Fat Byron Leftwich, and he responded by posting a sub-50 rating, 12 failed passes and 3 fumbles. They were embarrassed 31-7 by Tampa Bay, and Leftwich was benched for the rest of the season.
Then came Jason Campbell. A perfectly fine quarterback in his own right, he just threw too many goddamned passes. Hey Joe, you've got Portis! Run more! Campbell threw 417 passes this season, 167 of which were incomplete. Alas, he broke himself and the Skins had to turn to A Collins Not Named Kerry to save their season. Luckily "Save Their Season" meant playing the Vikings late in the year, which equals WIN WIN EVERY TIME OH GOD IT'S A GUARANTEED WIN.
So to shore up their wounded quarterback corps, The Hookers turned to Chris Redman, starting quarterback of the Atlanta Football Falcons.
He, in turn, responded with a Zero quarterback rating.
That was the highlight of the season.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Again, before we get to the final standings, I want to hand out the First Annual Daunte Culpepper Award for the Failure NFL Player of the Year.
I find it hard to believe that this guy didn't win one failure award all year. He was there time and time again, grabbing the ball and running headlong into a pile at the line of scrimmage. If there was a hole, he'd find a way to fall down before he could hit it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
RUDI JOHNSON!
(he's on the right)
Here's a Bengals team that won 7 games all year... 3 of which happened when Rudi didn't even play. That means that when he played, they went 4-8. He tallied 497 yards this year, despite being their feature back, and averaged 2.9 yards per carry. He had one lone game against the Browns wherein he achieved more than 100 yards rushing. His longest from scrimmage was 22 yards... he only scored 3 touchdowns. He fumbled 3 times. Overall, his performance set the tone for a drastically underperforming Bengals team, and it's because of him that The Cleveland Steamers were able to weather the storm of QB inconsistency this year. Cheers, Rudi. I know you'll go in the first round next year.
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And now, without further delay, the final standings for 2007:
Coming in at 5th place, Tony Mandarich's Back Acne, with 255 points. Stupid Titans! Allow more yards!
4th place goes to Gary Anderson Missed A Kick On My Birthday And All I Got Was This Failed 4-1 Vikings-To-Win-The-Super-Bowl Betting Slip From Binion's. They scored 271 points on the year, but it was their team, the Vikings, that killed them down the stretch.
3rd place goes to The Smelly Pirate Hookers, with 289 points. Their team, the Raiders, lost 6 games at home this year. That's something to hang your hat on.
AND IN A TIE FOR FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame and The Cleveland Steamers, each with 297 failure points!
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I calculated this thing out every which way from Wednesday, and I can't come up with a winner. Each had a spectacular bonus point incident: The Steamers with Leigh Bodden driving in reverse down a one way street and becoming verbally abusive towards police. And Team Hold Spoon, with Najeh Davenport being arrested for domestic violence, endangering children and unlawful restraint. He also one time defecated in a woman's clothes hamper. You see? Too close to call.
I'd really like to declare a winner based on some arbitrary ruling of bonus points, but I just can't do it. In some ways, it seems perfect to end the season in a tie, as though we couldn't pick a winner because we failed so much. Lord knows throughout the season, many of our players would've equated "tie" to "win", and the Dolphins would have sacrificed a child to come away with just a few ties. As it is, I'm going to let it stand, and crown a double champion for our first year of Failure Fantasy Football.
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A note to all players... the champions are responsible for their own collections. So far, The Cleveland Steamers were the only ones to pay their entry fee, which will be returned to them and split with Team Hold Spoon. Everyone else, pay up! Get in touch with me or directly with the winning teams to settle the bill, or just buy them a Mickey's sometime. I'll keep track of who pays what, and we can roll it into some sort of slush fund for future purchases of salsa, if you like.
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