Your Sister Sees The Future Like Your Mother And Yourself

The stats this week:

Gary Anderson Can Finally Apply For The AARP - 16
The Cleveland Steamers - 15
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 13
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 10
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 4

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And this week's winner...


Ted Ginn Junior!

Now we certainly can't hold his team's lack of success against Ted this year, can we? Oh I think we can!

This week against New England, The Second Ginn put up the following numbers: 4 catches for 27 yards (break a tackle, dumbass!) and a fumble. He also returned one punt for 2 yards, and because they were playing the Patriots, got ample opportunities to return kickoffs, but failed to pick up any major yardage - his longest return was 23 yards. He takes home the award this week primarily because of how bad his team is, and how his low average per catch enabled Team Hold Spoon Over Flame to capture 2 of their 4 total points. Hey Orton, start sucking!

Final week of the season, and we're neck and neck! The Titans better blow this one, otherwise Tony Mandarich's Back Acne is going to be hurting. On the other side of the diamond, the Detroilet Lions have somewhere between a zero and zero chance of winning.

I Was Born In This Hotel

It's quick, it's dirty, it's the holidays so you know we've got gravy out back and hog goin' round the spit.

The standings:

Smelly Pirate Hookers - 14
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 14
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 13
The Cleveland Steamers - 9
Gary Anderson Made Life Not Fun Anymore - 3

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If you're travelling near Lebanon, Tennessee, you can stop off and visit the prestigious Cumberland University, home of the Fighting Bulldogs. Their motto appears to be "Be Different. Be Competitive. Be Involved."

In 1916 the Cumberland Bulldogs went to Georgia Tech to play a college football game. They were competitive alright, scoring zero points and allowing the Engineers to score 222 points in the most lopsided contest in sports history.

What is the point of all that?

The point is that this week, Chris Redman joined Cumberland in holding what is known as the Perfect Zero.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Chris Redman!

Right off the bat, I'm executing my bonus-giving privileges and awarding The Smelly Pirate Hookers two bonus points for Chris' play. Now, we all would like to see bonus points handed out weekly for such off the field incidents as pooping in someone's hamper, driving drunk from the police, or crashing your Ferrari and then just walking away from it. But those things aren't happening with any regularity this year (screw you Goodell!). But one thing we always reward here is failure. And so, with that understood, I think we can all agree that this week by Chris Redman was without a doubt the highest amount of failure for the season, and perhaps of all time.

Let's take a look at these numbers:

First, he threw 15 passes. He completed 4 of them.

He had a grand total of 34 yards passing. Yes, he played the entire game.

He threw two interceptions. And he lost one fumble. That's three turnovers and 4 passes complete.

His team lost 37-3 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the week after their coach abandoned them to go coach in Arkansas.

But the best statistic, the true holy grail of all failure fantasy sports...

HIS QUARTERBACK RATING WAS ZERO.

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I don't know how we can go on. We've achieved perfection. The geniuses who invented the heavily-diluted QB Rating formula have seen fit to award Chris Redman a big fat ZERO. Does that mean that they would've been better suited just snapping directly to the running back on every play? Almost certainly. At any rate, for his wonderful performance and for making us all believe in this league and its future, I am awarding The Hookers an unprecedented 2 bonus points, and giving this week's Failure Award to Mr. Chris Redman. Enjoy the Arena League, Chris!

Bad or Orca Bad?

The goal of any motivated human being is to be the best they can be. I know words like "motivation" and "best" are not really acceptable on this blog, but hear me out. So, let's say you work your way up from the college ranks to the pros as a coach. You made it. Can't go any higher as a football coach. Congrats. The only problem is the team you coach sucks. So, you go back to your happy place . . . after 3 months at the top. Lou Holtz coached the Jets? Anyway, he becomes the 30th coach at Arkansas. Wait, thirty? Seems like alot. I'm not one to judge, but it was that bad in the pros that you had to become the 30th head coach at a school? You know Petrino had plays designed up, down, left and right for Vick, too. As someone would say . . . We-omp.

I Cold Stepped To You With A Fresh Pack Of Gum

Don't you love this time of year? The NFL season has devolved into teams either preparing for the playoffs, scratching and trying like hell just to MAKE the playoffs, or just plain giving up and watching their quarterbacks hurt themselves. This week alone we've seen 3 starting quarterbacks go down: Trent What's A Dilfer, Sexy Rexy, and Vince "Score On The Wunderlich's Going To Be Even Lower After A Shot To The Head" Young. Luckily for all of us, Vince will play next week.

The stats:

The Cleveland Steamers - 17
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 14
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 14
Gary Anderson Could've Made That With A Sand Wedge - 9
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 7


And we've got a new leader! After 4 weeks of near domination from Gary Anderson, The Cleveland Steamers have put together quite a run to regain the top spot. Nipping at the heels, as always, is Team Hold Spoon Over Flame, who's recent "upgraydde" to Kyle Orton at QB should bring in the kind of stats we celebrate in this league.

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And now for the award presentation. Ladies and gentlemen:



Vince Young!

(I would like to speak directly to Vince, if I may)

Oh Vince, what a performer you've been this season. The team that drafted you, Gary Anderson's Broken Life, has no idea this league even exists, let alone that you are his star player. Every week you come out and put up a sub-50 rating, hurling 2-3 picks and generally making all of us who spend so much time analyzing stats for our own team look stupid. It seems so effortless for you. And why shouldn't it? If you chart out the success of your life, I think you'll see a major spike 2 years ago, and since then a free-fall not unlike someone jumping out of a plane. The Texans were so scared off by your low intelligence that they took a dude from Maryland instead of the QUARTERBACK OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM THAT HAPPENS TO COME FROM TEXAS. And you know what? It was a good choice!

Vince, seriously, don't stop being you. Tony Mandarich's Back Acne hitched their trailer to your failure as well when they drafted the Titans as their team. Don't stop now. Keep driving that bus into the ravine, keep tossing it into the teeth of the defense, keep scrambling for 3 yards, keep getting dominated by hungry linebackers, keep having to be helped off the field. And most importantly, keep that dumb look on your face, that one that says "What the hell is going on here?"

Vince's line for this week: 13 for 21 passing with a 38.1 rating and 2 interceptions. He took a big shot to the head and wiped out half of his brain cells, which only kept him on the bench for a few snaps. He'll be back next week, and we'll all breathe a little easier.

Congratulations, Mr. Young!

Kyle . . .

Bears coach Lovie Smith said Monday that Kyle Orton will start for the club at Minnesota in Week 15. Rex Grossman is out with a sprained PCL and Brian Griese will be the backup. Orton has spent the 2006 season as the No. 3/emergency QB but was the team's starter as a rookie for 15 games, helping them win their division. In those 15 games, Orton completed 51.6 percent of his passes for 1,869 yards with nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions. "I think it's just time to see what Kyle can do," Smith said.
(Updated 12/10/2007).

Sure. Let's see what he can do. What the heck . . .

"It's the system."

Team HSOF is turn-key, interchangeable, plug-in, plug-out. No one player is better than the Whole. Everyone on the team understands this. That being said, it is hard to let go of Family. It is not your fault Rex, blame your sprained MCL. Good luck finding a starting role with some team next year. I lay claim to Griese/Orton. You will start this week with last week's starters. Get to practice early and get acclimated with your new friends. An official announcement will be made later in the week.

Helluva situation we got here . . . Team HSOF not in first . . . GA, DG & BD in first . . . Chicago at Minnesota . . . QB vs. Defense.

No one said winning this league would be easy. Giddy up.

Thursday Night, I Think I'm Pregnant Again

This is a great time of year for fans of failure. The college football season has ended, and we've had the chance to see quite a few adult men cry as their dreams were dashed by various bowl committees. Then there's the NBA, clearly swinging into mid-season form around guys like Stephon Marbury and Marko Jaric. And as for the NFL? Their players are getting murdered in their homes.

This weeks stats:

The Cleveland Steamers - 16
Team Hold Spoon Over Flame - 13
Smelly Pirate Hookers - 11
Gary Anderson Still Haunts Me At Night - 9
Tony Mandarich's Back Acne - 9

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The big winner of this week's Failure Award:




Damon Huard!

The Cleveland Steamers have had quite a run at QB this year. They started the season with Charlie "French" Frye. He was benched and TRADED following a game when he had a QB rating of 10. Then he turned to JP Losman, who has the word lose RIGHT IN HIS NAME. He responded by destroying the Bills' playoff chances week after week. One game he only played a handful of snaps, yet somehow found time to fumble. But then Loserman went on the DL, and it was up to The Steamers to go find a diamond in the rough, a quarterback who may look average, but that we all know is capable of horrible failure.

That man is Damon Huard.

Let's see: 56.7 rating? That's good for first place. 3 turnovers? Yes sir! Going 19 for 34 while your team loses 24-10 at home to a San Diego team coached by a man who should probably be turning in his application and taking the typing test at his local TempForce office? That's enough to earn you the Daunte Culpepper Failure Award this week! Well done!

Anyone Draft A&M??

Wow, I...


Did you?


If you didn't, you should've taken this team

Ain't No Sunshine

I think it's about time for a bonus point for these here Vikings.

First, we had something named Fred Evans getting popped for two games for the ever-ubiquitous "violation of substance abuse policy". He was arrested last February and charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession. He was also arrested in June for a "minor scuffle". Things aren't minor when you weigh 300 pounds and hit people for a living.

But then today, Ray Edwards, who apparently is a defensive lineman, was suspended 4 games for violating the substance abuse policy.

Two suspensions in two weeks? That's good enough for a bonus point in this league. It will be awarded next week.

One last thing. Here is a picture of Ray Edwards' face.



That is all.