April 29, 2008
Broken ankles?
I had trouble with this one. I couldn't tell if the defender fell or got his ankles broken at the 25 second mark. Either way, I think I will load up on the Celts in Game 5 since Zaza and KG had to talk about it.
Jesus might be the reason for the season, but . . .
he is the cog that makes this blog.
Note: This is the first time I have ever gone to TMZ. I got this link off of the Strib. Thank you.
Note: This is the first time I have ever gone to TMZ. I got this link off of the Strib. Thank you.
The Picture of Failure
Raging anger is not an emotion usually seen at Dodger Stadium. Good crowds usually show up because going to a game is usually viewed as a family night out, a visit from an out of town friend, or sometimes a lack of better things to do. And even when the team is average, or just plain bad, you don't hear a lot of negativity. That's saved for the off-season when everyone wakes up and says "Grady Little? He was really the manager? Seriously, who was the...no, dude..."
So, outside of a churro shortage or accident in the parking lot, you don't hear the negativity. That is until Andruw Jones was signed by the team.
Immediately, there was concern by the fans out here. Comparisons were made to Joe Willie signing with the Rams well past his prime, but then everyone remembered that Namath fucking ruled & needed to be out here to work on the sequel to C.C. & Company. But Jones...where do you begin? (We're looking beyond his name misspelling) The man was an all star and quite the player in his day. And by "the day" we're talking about those days where Trip eyed Campbell's Pork & Beans "4 for $1" special at CVS because internships don't pay money. That was 9 years ago. But this "day" continued for many years...some could even say as recently as two years ago, where he was hitting 41 dongs and getting a gold glove while I dined on lamb chops. So, you see, he was a high quality player as the world evolved.
But there is a difference with time. Just like a "sell by" date and "fresh by" date. What most started to sense, even smell, is that this milk was turning into cottage cheese. Last season someone also left the fridge door open (this happens in Georgia from time to time, we're told). So, at his age, a fading but glorious career, you might think he would get some fielding work off the bench with a team; maybe as a pinch hitter or occasional DH in the American League, right?
Well, $36,000,000 later, Jones arrived in LA with an "Oh no!" from the fans. Lest we forget Nomar "I'm injured" Garciaparra, Davey "I'm really awake" Johnson, and Darryl "Sniff" Strawberry have all shown up within the last 20 years in a similar fashion. And the astute Dodger fans scream "liability" and know what's coming. And, so it has. Each and EVERY time to the plate he is greeted with indifference and SOUNDLY booed as he strikes out yet again. Or grounds out. Vin won't say anything. This is his way, and I wouldn't want him to change. As Jones get screamed at by thousands, Vin says "Say friends, 50 years with the Dodgers. We're talking about Los Angeles and Farmer John Dodger Dogs...next Friday is balloon night." Those B teams on the radio talk him up as he makes a routine catch in the outfield, neglecting to mention that he'll be up at the start of the coming inning to strike out yet again. (Here's a failure stat - in his last 10 games, he's struck out in 42% of his at-bats.)
I could go on, but:
.159 and still in the lineup
Torii Hunter optioned to Triple-F
After an "awful" start to the season, CF Torii Hunter has been optioned to the minors.
"The problem with letting your bullpen catcher run the draft for you, is that you sometimes end up with too much success," said Shortbus Drivers GM, Gib Dankinson.
He will be replaced on the roster by up-and-coming Daric Barton, who strikes out in 1 of every 3.9 AB, putting him on pace for 150 Ks. That and look how he spells his name.
"Hey, he was second on the board, but a guy with Hunter's injury record and propensity for strike outs was worth the risk," said bullpen catcher Dave Sliznewski. "I screwed up, but now we've made the necessary changes and I can go back to working with our guys in the bullpen. Eating hotdogs and chugging Budweiser."
--Zing Donkers, Failure Gazette
"The problem with letting your bullpen catcher run the draft for you, is that you sometimes end up with too much success," said Shortbus Drivers GM, Gib Dankinson.
He will be replaced on the roster by up-and-coming Daric Barton, who strikes out in 1 of every 3.9 AB, putting him on pace for 150 Ks. That and look how he spells his name.
"Hey, he was second on the board, but a guy with Hunter's injury record and propensity for strike outs was worth the risk," said bullpen catcher Dave Sliznewski. "I screwed up, but now we've made the necessary changes and I can go back to working with our guys in the bullpen. Eating hotdogs and chugging Budweiser."
--Zing Donkers, Failure Gazette
April 28, 2008
Zito Ackbar Teezo!
That is my attempt at Arabic.
Anyway, I'm going to go out on a limb and give myself a bonus point for this.
Fan fucking tastic. Redraft? Yeah right.
God do I have good pitchers.
Anyway, I'm going to go out on a limb and give myself a bonus point for this.
Anyway, when a guy gets sent to the bullpen, I don't think that's necessarily grounds for a bonus point, however this is a different deal. They signed him to a 126 million dollar contract. He was the highest paid pitcher in all of baseball. THEY SIGNED HIM BEFORE LAST SEASON. This would be like the Mets putting Senor Gasolina in the pen next year. I think in this case, this is the closest they can possibly come to optioning him to AAA. I mean, they can't cut him, and Jesus knows they can't trade him. So what do you do when you want a guy whom you are giving 18 million dollars a year to STOP PITCHING? You put him in the bullpen.
"It's an option, for sure," Bochy said after the game. "We have to do something different, there's no getting around that. We can't keep doing what we are doing. We have to get this guy right."
Fan fucking tastic. Redraft? Yeah right.
God do I have good pitchers.
April 27, 2008
April 25, 2008
I Was A Little Nervous...
...That Nani was right about the Royals. Then the past 10 days happened.
0-7
During that stretch they're giving up 8.14 runs per game. In the three home games they played they drew an average of 13,146 fans. According to ESPN that's 32% of capacity.
Thanks guys. Thank you for making me feel better about my selection.
0-7
During that stretch they're giving up 8.14 runs per game. In the three home games they played they drew an average of 13,146 fans. According to ESPN that's 32% of capacity.
Thanks guys. Thank you for making me feel better about my selection.
April 22, 2008
Jailhouse Gets Empty
And so it goes.
The 2007-2008 NBA season passes into memory, and along with it go some of the greatest failures of all time. I can't say enough about the sheer amount of bad basketball we witnessed this season. Jake Voskuhl, Randolph Morris, Oleksiy Pecherov (no, my keyboard is not stuck on "Cyrillic", that's a real name) just to name a few. And then there were the Timberwolves. Just a great season all around.
Before we get into the standings, let's run through a breakdown of each team, hoping to identify their highs and lows (mostly the lows) and gear up for next year (OH PLEASE LET ME TAKE MCCANTS) :
Pleads No Contest
On paper, this is the best team out there. Zach Randolph (more on him in a bit) leads the squad with simply mind-blowing numbers. Sebastian Telfair represented the "Potential To Bring A Loaded Weapon To The Airport" member of the team. Antoine Walker shot, and then shot some more. Then he decided it would be best for everyone involved if he fired up some more shots. Darrick Martin (yes, THAT Darrick Martin) scored zero points for TWO months in a row. And of course, there was Pechy.
Oleksiy Pecherov is quite simply the greatest player ever drafted in this league. One look at that face tells you all you need to know.
Alas, it was a rough season for Pleads No Contest. They were done in by their choice of team - the Orlando Magic - and by a teamwide lack of turnovers and abundance of scoring. Despite having a team full of guys that everyone can agree are total failures, they couldn't move up in the standings.
Advice for next year: more Euro-trash.
Groin - Out Indefinitely
When you start your team with Darko Milicic, you're going in the right direction. Groin had a solid squad of ghetto ballers, but they just couldn't overcome the strong play of Sam Dalembert and Jannero Pargo down the stretch. Also, their team - the Atlanta Hawks - actually made the playoffs, which I suppose is bound to happen when the conference they play in might as well feature the Arkansas Rim-Rockers (Scottie Thurman, UP!). I think Groin has a lot to build on for next year, and they seemed to just have been unfortunate on their players performing WELL beyond expectations. I think we can count on some serious regression next season.
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath
They started their draft right, taking The Only Player To Ever Charge Into The Stands And Beat The Holy Piss Out Of A Fan During A Basketball Contest. The man with the eyes too close together came next. And their team - the Los Angeles Clippers - outplayed everyone but the Timberwolves, failing to win a single game at home in April. All in all, it was a great year, eclipsed only by the eventual champion. Vin faded down the stretch though, as guys like Marko and Earl Watson began performing reasonably well. Next year the key is going to be getting those "shots missed" up, and sticking to guys like Jason Collins aka Unable To Score.
Whore Island
Pulling up the rear end, seemingly without anyone who can commit a foul, and plagued by a team that showed great moxie down the stretch - the Philadelphia 76ers - it was a terrible year for Whore Island. Raymond Felton, Ben Gordon, Josh Smith.... these are the names of failures who should be falling all over themselves to wreck their team's chances at victory. And for the most part, their teams failed miserably. However, they themselves put up good numbers, and Whore Island was handicapped right from the beginning. Next year, try drafting someone like Rasho. He likes to foul in large numbers.
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town
What more can you say? A perfect season by a perfect group of failures. Let's break it down:
Ben Wallace - Well, he can't score. He averaged 5.4 points per 48 minutes in December. He was traded to Cleveland, where he scored even less. He can't shoot free throws either. He's old and broken, and is a role player who is best when the other 4 guys on the floor are better than him. So he's perfect for this league.
Jamaal Tinsley / Damon Stoudemire - Do we need to cover these guys? All you really need to know is that they turn the ball over more times than you can afford if you want your team to be successful at life.
Chris Kaman - He fouls a lot, misses a lot of games, and looks like Chris Kaman.
Derek Anderson - The true diamond in the rough. He plays in an average of 4 games per month (leads the league in games missed), absolutely refuses to score the basketball (failed to score a single point in April), turns it over and fouls with regular consistency, and for being old, still hucks it up at a fair rate. He's truly the perfect storm of a failure NBA player. We all need to be on the lookout for more Derek Andersons next year.
Zaza Pachulia -
Enough said.
And then there was the matter of their team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. Well, they consistently led the league in every failure statistic: they couldn't win at home (or at all), they allowed a ton of points, and they couldn't draw fans in (their biggest crowd was Boston, and KG wasn't even in the building. Weomp.) It was this failure from their team that gave Eddie Telfair the true push over the top, not allowing anyone to come within 20 points of their totals. Stellar!
Baskets n Bullets
They started out slow and closed out strong. How? Do the names DJ Mbenga and Jake Voskuhl ring a bell? No? Well, good. Because they were the unsung heroes of the failure league this year; the true lunchpail guys who just go in, foul like hell, and sit back down on the bench until the next time they get to yell out "TACO!" for a few thousand dollars.
And then there was the issue of their team, the New York Knicks. We've all seen what the Knicks have done this year to their fans and casual followers of the sport, and so it goes without saying that having them represent your failure team is like drafting Mike Fuckabee in the Failure Politics league. The Knicks stumbled and stammered all season, failing to go on any sort of meaningful run, and then at the end they just plain gave up. In many ways, they were far far worse than the Wolves. Think about it: at least the Wolves tried down the stretch. They're young and dumb, but they exude effort. The Knicks didn't care about winning, sure, but at the end, THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT PLAYING BASKETBALL ANYMORE. I don't think more than 2 or 3 players on that team even LIKE to play basketball anymore. And I'm absolutely sure that their coach - if he was even coaching - was playing a sport very very different from the basketball we all know and love. All in all, they were by far the most entertaining team choice, and accumulating stats for them was like counting how much candy you get on Easter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
And so, without further interruption, the final totals:
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 165
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 127
Baskets and Bullets - 125
Pleads No Contest - 113
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 108
Whore Island - 104
--------------------------------------------------------------------
And for the Isaiah Rider failure award winner, I present a simple video. This is the entire season, the entire league, hell this is FAILURE at its most clearly defined. Enjoy.
The 2007-2008 NBA season passes into memory, and along with it go some of the greatest failures of all time. I can't say enough about the sheer amount of bad basketball we witnessed this season. Jake Voskuhl, Randolph Morris, Oleksiy Pecherov (no, my keyboard is not stuck on "Cyrillic", that's a real name) just to name a few. And then there were the Timberwolves. Just a great season all around.
Before we get into the standings, let's run through a breakdown of each team, hoping to identify their highs and lows (mostly the lows) and gear up for next year (OH PLEASE LET ME TAKE MCCANTS) :
Pleads No Contest
On paper, this is the best team out there. Zach Randolph (more on him in a bit) leads the squad with simply mind-blowing numbers. Sebastian Telfair represented the "Potential To Bring A Loaded Weapon To The Airport" member of the team. Antoine Walker shot, and then shot some more. Then he decided it would be best for everyone involved if he fired up some more shots. Darrick Martin (yes, THAT Darrick Martin) scored zero points for TWO months in a row. And of course, there was Pechy.
Oleksiy Pecherov is quite simply the greatest player ever drafted in this league. One look at that face tells you all you need to know.
Alas, it was a rough season for Pleads No Contest. They were done in by their choice of team - the Orlando Magic - and by a teamwide lack of turnovers and abundance of scoring. Despite having a team full of guys that everyone can agree are total failures, they couldn't move up in the standings.
Advice for next year: more Euro-trash.
Groin - Out Indefinitely
When you start your team with Darko Milicic, you're going in the right direction. Groin had a solid squad of ghetto ballers, but they just couldn't overcome the strong play of Sam Dalembert and Jannero Pargo down the stretch. Also, their team - the Atlanta Hawks - actually made the playoffs, which I suppose is bound to happen when the conference they play in might as well feature the Arkansas Rim-Rockers (Scottie Thurman, UP!). I think Groin has a lot to build on for next year, and they seemed to just have been unfortunate on their players performing WELL beyond expectations. I think we can count on some serious regression next season.
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath
They started their draft right, taking The Only Player To Ever Charge Into The Stands And Beat The Holy Piss Out Of A Fan During A Basketball Contest. The man with the eyes too close together came next. And their team - the Los Angeles Clippers - outplayed everyone but the Timberwolves, failing to win a single game at home in April. All in all, it was a great year, eclipsed only by the eventual champion. Vin faded down the stretch though, as guys like Marko and Earl Watson began performing reasonably well. Next year the key is going to be getting those "shots missed" up, and sticking to guys like Jason Collins aka Unable To Score.
Whore Island
Pulling up the rear end, seemingly without anyone who can commit a foul, and plagued by a team that showed great moxie down the stretch - the Philadelphia 76ers - it was a terrible year for Whore Island. Raymond Felton, Ben Gordon, Josh Smith.... these are the names of failures who should be falling all over themselves to wreck their team's chances at victory. And for the most part, their teams failed miserably. However, they themselves put up good numbers, and Whore Island was handicapped right from the beginning. Next year, try drafting someone like Rasho. He likes to foul in large numbers.
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town
What more can you say? A perfect season by a perfect group of failures. Let's break it down:
Ben Wallace - Well, he can't score. He averaged 5.4 points per 48 minutes in December. He was traded to Cleveland, where he scored even less. He can't shoot free throws either. He's old and broken, and is a role player who is best when the other 4 guys on the floor are better than him. So he's perfect for this league.
Jamaal Tinsley / Damon Stoudemire - Do we need to cover these guys? All you really need to know is that they turn the ball over more times than you can afford if you want your team to be successful at life.
Chris Kaman - He fouls a lot, misses a lot of games, and looks like Chris Kaman.
Derek Anderson - The true diamond in the rough. He plays in an average of 4 games per month (leads the league in games missed), absolutely refuses to score the basketball (failed to score a single point in April), turns it over and fouls with regular consistency, and for being old, still hucks it up at a fair rate. He's truly the perfect storm of a failure NBA player. We all need to be on the lookout for more Derek Andersons next year.
Zaza Pachulia -
Enough said.
And then there was the matter of their team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. Well, they consistently led the league in every failure statistic: they couldn't win at home (or at all), they allowed a ton of points, and they couldn't draw fans in (their biggest crowd was Boston, and KG wasn't even in the building. Weomp.) It was this failure from their team that gave Eddie Telfair the true push over the top, not allowing anyone to come within 20 points of their totals. Stellar!
Baskets n Bullets
They started out slow and closed out strong. How? Do the names DJ Mbenga and Jake Voskuhl ring a bell? No? Well, good. Because they were the unsung heroes of the failure league this year; the true lunchpail guys who just go in, foul like hell, and sit back down on the bench until the next time they get to yell out "TACO!" for a few thousand dollars.
And then there was the issue of their team, the New York Knicks. We've all seen what the Knicks have done this year to their fans and casual followers of the sport, and so it goes without saying that having them represent your failure team is like drafting Mike Fuckabee in the Failure Politics league. The Knicks stumbled and stammered all season, failing to go on any sort of meaningful run, and then at the end they just plain gave up. In many ways, they were far far worse than the Wolves. Think about it: at least the Wolves tried down the stretch. They're young and dumb, but they exude effort. The Knicks didn't care about winning, sure, but at the end, THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT PLAYING BASKETBALL ANYMORE. I don't think more than 2 or 3 players on that team even LIKE to play basketball anymore. And I'm absolutely sure that their coach - if he was even coaching - was playing a sport very very different from the basketball we all know and love. All in all, they were by far the most entertaining team choice, and accumulating stats for them was like counting how much candy you get on Easter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
And so, without further interruption, the final totals:
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 165
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 127
Baskets and Bullets - 125
Pleads No Contest - 113
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 108
Whore Island - 104
--------------------------------------------------------------------
And for the Isaiah Rider failure award winner, I present a simple video. This is the entire season, the entire league, hell this is FAILURE at its most clearly defined. Enjoy.
April 20, 2008
Royal Flush
Milwaukee's Royal Ivey was suspended three games by the NBA on Wednesday for punching Chicago's Aaron Gray in the groin. The altercation happened with 10:48 left in the second quarter of the Bucks' 151-135 loss to the Bulls on Monday. Ivey will miss the Bucks' season finale against Minnesota on Wednesday and the first two regular-season games he is eligible to play next season.
BONUS POINT!
April 16, 2008
A comment from the Sportsline "Glog"
How is this clown Fartlett in the majors ? he swings at a 2-0 pitch 3 feet off the plate then dribbles into a dp now hitting .184. for that matter how can the coaches give him a green light to even swing 2-0 w/ runners on ? pathetic
Beautiful.
April 13, 2008
Failure Baseball 2008 Rosters
The draft, as always, went off with all the proper errors and mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we didn't all field damn worthy teams. Here are the lineups for the 2008 season, highlighted by a guy name Ubaldo.
Best. Pick. Ever.
-------------------------------------------------------
Bacon n Butter (gee I wonder who's team that is)
Team
Texas Rangers
Pitchers
Scott Olsen
Shawn Chacon
Juan Rincon
Andy Sonnanstine
Ubaldo Jimenez
Hitters
Adam Dunn
Dan Uggla
Andruw Jones
Frank Thomas
Paul Konerko
Carlos Lee
Kenji Johijima
Clete Thomas
AJ Pierzinski
Outright Release
Team
Pittsburgh Pirates
Pitchers
Gil Meche
Todd Wellemeyer
C.C. Sabathia
Brett Myers
Chad Gaudin
Hitters
David Ortiz
Russell Martin
Jack Hannahan
Adam LaRoche
Jose Guillen
Ronnie Belliard
Troy Tulowitzki
Gary Matthews
Matt Diaz
The Jesus Sanchez
Team
Florida Marlins
Pitchers
Jose Contreras
Barry Zito
Matt Morris
LaTroy Hawkins
John Danks
Hitters
Adam Everett
Richie Sexson
Juan Uribe
Elijah Dukes
Delmon Young
Gary Sheffield
Jason Bay
Rich Aurilia
Rick Ankiel
The Short Bus Drivers
Team
Kansas City Royals
Pitchers
Daniel Cabrera
Bob Howry
Eric Gagne
Zach Miner
Andrew Miller
Hitters
Jason Bartlett
Jack Cust
Julio Lugo
Khalil Greene
Ryan Howard
Torii Hunter
Bill Hall
Rickie Weeks
Adrian Beltre
Billz
Team
Tampa Bay
Pitchers
Jeff Francis
A.J. Burnett
Paul Maholm
Adam Loewen
Kyle Lohse
Hitters
Miguel Tejada
Ray Durham
Travis Buck
Hunter Pence
Chris B. Young
Austin Kearns
Vladimir Guererro
David Eckstein
Mike Lamb
---------------------------------------------------
So that's it! We've pretty much got every base covered - drug users, easy outs, strikeout machines, pitching machines, and even a guy named Todd. So let the failing begin!
Best. Pick. Ever.
-------------------------------------------------------
Bacon n Butter (gee I wonder who's team that is)
Team
Texas Rangers
Pitchers
Scott Olsen
Shawn Chacon
Juan Rincon
Andy Sonnanstine
Ubaldo Jimenez
Hitters
Adam Dunn
Dan Uggla
Andruw Jones
Frank Thomas
Paul Konerko
Carlos Lee
Kenji Johijima
Clete Thomas
AJ Pierzinski
Outright Release
Team
Pittsburgh Pirates
Pitchers
Gil Meche
Todd Wellemeyer
C.C. Sabathia
Brett Myers
Chad Gaudin
Hitters
David Ortiz
Russell Martin
Jack Hannahan
Adam LaRoche
Jose Guillen
Ronnie Belliard
Troy Tulowitzki
Gary Matthews
Matt Diaz
The Jesus Sanchez
Team
Florida Marlins
Pitchers
Jose Contreras
Barry Zito
Matt Morris
LaTroy Hawkins
John Danks
Hitters
Adam Everett
Richie Sexson
Juan Uribe
Elijah Dukes
Delmon Young
Gary Sheffield
Jason Bay
Rich Aurilia
Rick Ankiel
The Short Bus Drivers
Team
Kansas City Royals
Pitchers
Daniel Cabrera
Bob Howry
Eric Gagne
Zach Miner
Andrew Miller
Hitters
Jason Bartlett
Jack Cust
Julio Lugo
Khalil Greene
Ryan Howard
Torii Hunter
Bill Hall
Rickie Weeks
Adrian Beltre
Billz
Team
Tampa Bay
Pitchers
Jeff Francis
A.J. Burnett
Paul Maholm
Adam Loewen
Kyle Lohse
Hitters
Miguel Tejada
Ray Durham
Travis Buck
Hunter Pence
Chris B. Young
Austin Kearns
Vladimir Guererro
David Eckstein
Mike Lamb
---------------------------------------------------
So that's it! We've pretty much got every base covered - drug users, easy outs, strikeout machines, pitching machines, and even a guy named Todd. So let the failing begin!
April 11, 2008
Failing As Much As Michael Restovich
I mean, you can't really blame him... just look at his face.
Anyway, the draft is this Sunday, the 13th, at 9pm central time. Join in by AOL chat, same format as always. I think my first pick would be something named "Brian Bass".
Anyway, the draft is this Sunday, the 13th, at 9pm central time. Join in by AOL chat, same format as always. I think my first pick would be something named "Brian Bass".
April 9, 2008
Unsabermetric
That is how we will be drafting tomorrow. Take that Bill James. You don't have formulas for this. We do. There are four formulas:
F.
A.
I.
L.
F.
A.
I.
L.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)