Re-Draft...

Well, we've got our first re-draft of the season, what with Robert Swift jackin' up his knee. So, to replace him on my roster, I'm going with a guy that has the potential to be the next Spree. He's also had some leg and knee problems. So hoping for a choked coach or a broken leg, I'm gonna go ahead and pick up Kenyon Martin. I mean, if he could just put his hands around George Karl's neck, I'd be so incredibly happy.

You Crashin' Beemers, Errrr?

If the preseason is any indication of what this season holds for my team, then you are all in big trouble!

I mean, we all knew Stevie Jackson was poppin' shots before the draft, but he's missing shots at a Kobe-like clip, plus he could still end up in jail, so that's always a nice thing to have to fall back on.

"Seattle SuperSonics center Robert Swift was sporting a cut over his left eye after crashing a BMW over the weekend. "

I mean, that's the type of stuff I'm really hoping will keep me high in the failure standings!

Also Darius Miles has a few DNP-Not With Team's on there so that's looking good too.

The only bad news is it's looking like John Edwards either won't get any playing time now that he's in Indiana, or will end up in the NDBL, which is nice except I was hoping he'd really be good at failing there in Atlanta.

His face is like that last thing a _____ see's when he is getting dirt thrown on him

If I may reach back to the days of Altered Beast...

Welcome To Your Doom.

The 2006 Failure Draft went better than could have been expected. We have 5 participants, 40 total failures to watch, and we're going to be on them like stink on a monkey, alllllllll year. We did a fantastic job at even failing at drafting our teams. Later, I will touch up the transcript of the chat session and post it here, but for now, revel in the glory:

(team names subject to change)
-----------------------------------------------
DNP - Stab Wounds:

Jerome James
Mike Sweetney
Zarko Cabarkapa
Gilbert Arenas
Eddie Gill
Beno Udrih
Chris Webber
Zach Randolph

Team - Seattle Supersonics
-----------------------------------------------

The Christ Punchers:

Eddy Curry
Troy Hudson
Vin Baker
Eddie Griffin
Rafer Alston
Ruben Patterson
Sam Cassell
Marcus Banks

Team - Atlanta Hawks
-----------------------------------------------

Cap'n Kanani:

Tracy McGrady
Danny Fortson
Ron Artest
Sean May
Voshon Leonard
Jermaine Oneal
Amare Stoudemire
Zoran Planinic

Team - New York Knicks
-----------------------------------------------

Team Lidle to Munson:

Stephon Marbury
Baron Davis
Sebastian Telfair
Quincy Douby
Tyronne Lue
Andrew Bynum
Shareef Abdur Rahim
Kris Humphries

Team - New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets
-----------------------------------------------

Excited For Jail:

David Harrison
John Edwards
Channing Frye
Stephen Jackson
Al Jefferson
Darius Miles
Robert Swift
Linas Kleiza

Team - Portland Trailblazers
-----------------------------------------------

So there you have it. The failures have spoken. Now we sit back and await the swirling shitstorm.

First Draft

The season gets underway tomorrow! We'll be holding a live draft at www.dragonbeets.net - check the sidebar for DB Chat - at 6pm cst. Each participant will pick 8 players and one team. If you can't make it to the chat, please email or post your draft picks here. When it is your turn, we'll draft whoever is next on your list for you.

Let's see:

Stephen Jackson - Might go number 1. The stats aren't really there, but if he ends up going to jail, you're getting huge points.

Vin Baker - ALWAYS safe to go with Captain Scope.

Loren Woods - We know it all too well. Stock is shooting up.

Nene Hilarious - If he can duplicate last year's performance, you win in a landslide.

Failure Fantasy League Charter

Greetings. Your arrival is welcomed.

The purpose of this blog is two-fold:

1. To manage and chart our Failure Fantasy Sports League
2. To highlight some truly remarkable failures in sports and, occasionally, life

We will begin with an NBA Failure Season, the rules of which are below. Please feel free to contribute in the comments, or if you cannot muster the success it takes to type anything, revel in your own failure. Hey, everyone's good at something, even if that something is failing!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Failure Fantasy Sports League
NBA Season

You will draft 8 players and one team. You will start 5 players and one team.

Each month you will set your starters and you will not be able to change them until the next month. You cannot remove players even if they’re injured or have been suspended. Towards the end of each month there will be a period in which you will be able to update your starters for the next month. At that time, if you have an injured player you may drop that player and pick up another. That is the only instance in which you can add/drop players, so be careful when you’re drafting.

Scoring

Player
Shots Missed (combines free throws and field goals)
Turnovers
Fouls
Games missed

Team
Opponent Points Per Game
Home Losing %
Home Attendance Average

In each category each team is awarded points based on their rank in that category. At the end of each month those points are totaled. Those monthly scores are totaled to determine the season winner.

Note: If you’ve done fantasy sports on yahoo!, this scoring will be identical.

Also, keep in mind that the totals will be based on a PER 48 MINUTE figure. Meaning, you might want the total failures, the guys who only play in one or two games a week, but yet wreck total havoc on their team (the mugshot gracing the top of this blog comes to mind), as opposed to guys like Mark Blunt, who will definitely get his minutes this year.

Another tip: Games Missed counts, so draft the really sketchy guys who can't go an entire season without ending up suspended/hurt/in jail/on drugs/on probation/expunged from the NBA. Always keep in mind our motto: If he looks like a Failure, acts like a Failure, and plays like a Failure, DRAFT THAT MAN.

There are always certain circumstances that call for extra points to be awarded, for example Ron Artest going into the stands last season, or Jason Kidd beating his wife. In these situations, the managers will vote on whether or not to award bonus points. If the managers vote to award points, Drew and Jake will decide how many points will be awarded.

------------------------------------------------------------------

This league is based on bad sports performers, but good sportsmanship. So here’s to winning by failing!