"(Dodgers manager Joe) Torre said All-Star closer Jonathan Broxton was sent home after eating something the previous night that made him sick."
Was it that...or Broxton's recent performance?
Sunday - Blown Save, Loss
IP: 1.1
H: 4
R: 2
ER: 2
BB: 2
Tuesday - Loss
IP: 0.1
H: 1
R: 3
ER: 3
BB: 2
July 23, 2010
June 25, 2010
June 13, 2010
Are you a man?
I watched the US/England soccer game yesterday. England should have scored more goals than they did, but since they didn't, the English goalie gets blamed. We all know Mike Gundy is a man. Robert Green, the English goalie, is also a man . . . at a younger age.
England will/should advance past the round robin stage anyway so this will be funny in a few weeks. As we all know, you don't win the World Cup in the round robin stage.
England will/should advance past the round robin stage anyway so this will be funny in a few weeks. As we all know, you don't win the World Cup in the round robin stage.
May 7, 2010
Today's Sports Failure: LaTroy Hawkins
Ahh....
There's just something comfortable about the familiar. It's akin to having an old buddy back in town...or having a slice of Rhubarb pie after years without the delight. Well, today would be a good reminder to our readers (both of them!) that yes...LaTroy Hawkins is still in Major League Baseball. And, yes, he's still serving up fail like Ralphs Grocery Store serves up horrific store layouts.
Too local a reference? Not when we're taking about his performance in Los Angeles last night. With a comfortable lead going into the ninth, Jonathan Broxton gave up two runs to the Brewers to tie the game. I would have begun to prepare this nomination in his name had the Brewers not pulled this rabbit out of their hat. And oh, what a delight!
With a tie game in the bottom of the ninth, LaTroy did what he does best: load the bases. Who was up next? A man with more than a flair for the dramatic: Andre Ethier. Mr. Walk-Off Homer did it again...a salami off LaTroy for the win. The above photo shows one man confident, and one man realistic. I'll let you choose who is who. The answer is "yes."
LaTroy's line:
IP: 0.1
H: 3
R: 4
ER: 4
BB: 1
HR: 1
Current ERA: 9.26
I wonder if his personal site says anything about his current performance. Oh. Mirroring his play, naturally.
Too local a reference? Not when we're taking about his performance in Los Angeles last night. With a comfortable lead going into the ninth, Jonathan Broxton gave up two runs to the Brewers to tie the game. I would have begun to prepare this nomination in his name had the Brewers not pulled this rabbit out of their hat. And oh, what a delight!
With a tie game in the bottom of the ninth, LaTroy did what he does best: load the bases. Who was up next? A man with more than a flair for the dramatic: Andre Ethier. Mr. Walk-Off Homer did it again...a salami off LaTroy for the win. The above photo shows one man confident, and one man realistic. I'll let you choose who is who. The answer is "yes."
LaTroy's line:
IP: 0.1
H: 3
R: 4
ER: 4
BB: 1
HR: 1
Current ERA: 9.26
I wonder if his personal site says anything about his current performance. Oh. Mirroring his play, naturally.
April 18, 2010
A rare congratulations
Last night, Ubaldo Jimenez pitched a no-no for the Rockies. Why does that name sound familiar? Anyway, well done, sir. Never a doubt.
April 11, 2010
Hey, guess who made the news . . .
Looks like the North Texas Durrrrrrr didn't pay him enough. Looks like he was hitting that pop can bong again.
Get your life together, man, c'mon. You are circling the drain right now.
Get your life together, man, c'mon. You are circling the drain right now.
March 1, 2010
February 26, 2010
Failure Profile: Alvin Robertson
He was one of the thieves in NBA history and still holds the record for most steals in an NBA season.Apparently his kleptomanic ways didn't stop at basketballs.
He's also still at-large so parents, lock up your daughters. No, seriously, lock them up. He'll steal them, literally.
February 19, 2010
Failure of the Day
In reading back-posts I realized that it's been quite awhile since we've officially pointed out an FOD. So, here you go!
Wisconsin Badger Bench (basketball)
In a game that should've been a walk away win, the Badgers managed to lay a turd against OUR beloved Gophers. While the starters didn't play very well, it was the bench that played the roll of the Leafy Bandit and clogged the toilet.
The line please...
2/14 FG
6 rebounds
1 blocked shot
1 turnover
5 personal fouls
4 points
Yeah. When your bench gives you more fouls than points, you're going to be in for a rough night. MVP of the bench? Jon Leuer - he made both fgs in his 26 minutes of "work" last night.
Congratulations on a "great" game. You really gave something Badger Nation can be proud of.
Wisconsin Badger Bench (basketball)
In a game that should've been a walk away win, the Badgers managed to lay a turd against OUR beloved Gophers. While the starters didn't play very well, it was the bench that played the roll of the Leafy Bandit and clogged the toilet.
The line please...
2/14 FG
6 rebounds
1 blocked shot
1 turnover
5 personal fouls
4 points
Yeah. When your bench gives you more fouls than points, you're going to be in for a rough night. MVP of the bench? Jon Leuer - he made both fgs in his 26 minutes of "work" last night.
Congratulations on a "great" game. You really gave something Badger Nation can be proud of.
February 6, 2010
How does the Clip Ship stay afloat?
Just go ahead and take the poll.
I was in the majority. How 'bout you?
I am trying to write something funny, but the headline does it for me. The only thing I can think of is that Sterling wants to move the team so badly, he would permit this.
Ratings would actually go UP. You'd have to watch this train wreck every time they play. Have to.
I was in the majority. How 'bout you?
I am trying to write something funny, but the headline does it for me. The only thing I can think of is that Sterling wants to move the team so badly, he would permit this.
Ratings would actually go UP. You'd have to watch this train wreck every time they play. Have to.
September 10, 2009
Sometimes the stars align
I have to agree with the 4th response. I thought he was on the run. He has "matured" now. So he has put down the pop can? OK, maybe him and McHale can make a comeback together in the ABA. Perhaps he can play with Cedric Ceballos of the Maywood Buzz and they can talk about dunk contests. I am sure Rider will feel right at home in North Texas. No worries or problems to come there. How about a little god finding for Rider? This could be gold.
September 1, 2009
Fat
How else do you fracture a bone? What do you think he was doing for the days he was holding out? Staying fit? Nah. Wonder what Marvin Lewis has to say about that?
July 16, 2009
June 13, 2009
Gold everywhere
Not to give Milton his due as the first post on this blog, but this is gold.
We have God, handcuffed handcuffs, and Barrett doing his best Carl Eller with the cops.
Take it easy on yourself Barrett, it wouldn't have made a difference if you played.
We have God, handcuffed handcuffs, and Barrett doing his best Carl Eller with the cops.
Take it easy on yourself Barrett, it wouldn't have made a difference if you played.
June 12, 2009
MILTON BRADLEY
OH MY GOD
OH MY.
DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?
MILTON BRADLEY, THE BEST, THE BIGGEST LIFE FAILER OF ALL TIME
OH MY.
DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?
MILTON BRADLEY, THE BEST, THE BIGGEST LIFE FAILER OF ALL TIME
Call Me Bosephus
Ok, I was just watching the Twins play the Cubs, and someone mentioned something about Eddie Guardado. So I decided to look him up...
Hmmm, he's back on the Rangers. Ok, great. He's posted a 4.7 ERA this year, not bad, not bad. Then I saw on his ESPN page that he was brought up from AAA the same time as...
Oh dear. Is that Andruw Jones?
And that led me to the Texas Rangers roster for 2009. OH MY GOD, THE FAIL. THE FAIL.
Let's start at pitchers:
Joaquin Benoit - Dickfer, how much did we win off him in Vegas? 50? 400? I'll never forget the ticker... Rangers v. Twins, Radke had given up a few in the early innings (like you would expect any different) and we had the over. Score was something like Rangers 4, Twins 3 in the 6th inning. Then we saw the ticker... "NOW PITCHING, TEXAS J. BENOIT". Dickfer turns to me, "Win".
Jason Grilli - REALLY? Here's a guy who couldn't keep it together in the TIGER bullpen, where they employed Derek Smalls for 2 years AND Fernando Rodney.
Vincente Padilla - I remember a game against the Twins where he gave up like 4 home runs in an inning. I think one of them was to Punto.
Now position players:
Omar Vizquel - OH MY GOD HE STILL DRAWS BREATH.
Brandon Boggs - I thought this was Wade's son. One look at the picture on ESPN says otherwise. He's just like Boggs in every way except he's hitting .167 this year and .225 for his career. Which will be short.
Andruw Jones - Absolutely nothing I can say will provide the proper scope to just how far that man has fallen off the wagon. His failure now is entering epic proportions. Seriously, 5 years ago people would defend to their death his fielding prowess against guys like Torii and Griffey. Now? HE STARTED THE SEASON IN THE TEXAS RANGERS MINOR LEAGUES.
Hmmm, he's back on the Rangers. Ok, great. He's posted a 4.7 ERA this year, not bad, not bad. Then I saw on his ESPN page that he was brought up from AAA the same time as...
Oh dear. Is that Andruw Jones?
And that led me to the Texas Rangers roster for 2009. OH MY GOD, THE FAIL. THE FAIL.
Let's start at pitchers:
Joaquin Benoit - Dickfer, how much did we win off him in Vegas? 50? 400? I'll never forget the ticker... Rangers v. Twins, Radke had given up a few in the early innings (like you would expect any different) and we had the over. Score was something like Rangers 4, Twins 3 in the 6th inning. Then we saw the ticker... "NOW PITCHING, TEXAS J. BENOIT". Dickfer turns to me, "Win".
Jason Grilli - REALLY? Here's a guy who couldn't keep it together in the TIGER bullpen, where they employed Derek Smalls for 2 years AND Fernando Rodney.
Vincente Padilla - I remember a game against the Twins where he gave up like 4 home runs in an inning. I think one of them was to Punto.
Now position players:
Omar Vizquel - OH MY GOD HE STILL DRAWS BREATH.
Brandon Boggs - I thought this was Wade's son. One look at the picture on ESPN says otherwise. He's just like Boggs in every way except he's hitting .167 this year and .225 for his career. Which will be short.
Andruw Jones - Absolutely nothing I can say will provide the proper scope to just how far that man has fallen off the wagon. His failure now is entering epic proportions. Seriously, 5 years ago people would defend to their death his fielding prowess against guys like Torii and Griffey. Now? HE STARTED THE SEASON IN THE TEXAS RANGERS MINOR LEAGUES.
May 16, 2009
Today's Sports Failure
Our sports failure today is Scott Linebrink. Scott certainly faced a lot of lead in the 8th inning of today's White Sox/Blue Jays game, discounting Bartolo "Muy Caliente" Colon's fine performance (5 hits in 5 innings, no runs). By the time Scott got in the game, Chicago was clinging to a 1-0 lead. But this is the Great White North, they are a first place team, and your HORSESHIT WON'T WORK HERE, EH?!
Scott's line
1 IP
3 H
2 R
2 ER
1 Wild Pitch
Chicago's interim manager Joey Cora said "To win 1-0 against that team would have been tough and obviously it didn't happen." Sadly, Ozzie is attending his son's graduation, so our reaction isn't nearly as colorful as we would hope. But there are other points worth mentioning:
The White Sox have lost 10 of their last 13.
It had been nearly two years since the White Sox were leading in a game AT Toronto.
Congratulations to Scott, today's sports failure. Scott will receive a gift certificate to Auto Masters, with locations in Des Plaines, Maywood, and Schaumburg.
Scott's line
1 IP
3 H
2 R
2 ER
1 Wild Pitch
Chicago's interim manager Joey Cora said "To win 1-0 against that team would have been tough and obviously it didn't happen." Sadly, Ozzie is attending his son's graduation, so our reaction isn't nearly as colorful as we would hope. But there are other points worth mentioning:
The White Sox have lost 10 of their last 13.
It had been nearly two years since the White Sox were leading in a game AT Toronto.
Congratulations to Scott, today's sports failure. Scott will receive a gift certificate to Auto Masters, with locations in Des Plaines, Maywood, and Schaumburg.
April 22, 2009
Juan Morillo
Ok, this had to get its own post.
Now, the simple fact is that you could pull ANY Twins reliever out and show their stats and it would look like a baby without a diaper, but this one stands above the rest. And that's really saying something, because guys like Jesse Crain don't know how to wipe properly, let alone throw strikes.
In today's baseball game against the Red Sox:
Juan Morillo entered the game in the 7th inning. He threw 17 pitches.
SOMEHOW, HE WALKED THREE BATTERS AND GAVE UP A HIT.
He was pulled with the bases sauced. That means he got zero outs.
Every one of his runners scored. 4 Earned Runs.
17 pitches, 4 earned runs. No outs. You know what that means? Potsy does. It means an ERA of "infinity". It means that if you aggregate out his numbers, and he were to pitch a full nine innings, he would give up ∞ runs.
∞
That is all.
Now, the simple fact is that you could pull ANY Twins reliever out and show their stats and it would look like a baby without a diaper, but this one stands above the rest. And that's really saying something, because guys like Jesse Crain don't know how to wipe properly, let alone throw strikes.
In today's baseball game against the Red Sox:
Juan Morillo entered the game in the 7th inning. He threw 17 pitches.
SOMEHOW, HE WALKED THREE BATTERS AND GAVE UP A HIT.
He was pulled with the bases sauced. That means he got zero outs.
Every one of his runners scored. 4 Earned Runs.
17 pitches, 4 earned runs. No outs. You know what that means? Potsy does. It means an ERA of "infinity". It means that if you aggregate out his numbers, and he were to pitch a full nine innings, he would give up ∞ runs.
∞
That is all.
April 18, 2009
A quick look at that Dallas Mavericks coaching staff
Wow. It reads like a list of strike out NBA coaches:
Rick Carlisle - Not bad, I guess, but he's been fired twice by winning teams, so something ain't right.
Terry Stotts - The man coached both Atlanta AND Milwaukee. Hey who's used to losing?
Dwane Casey - No words needed. He likes failure as much as most people like breathing.
Rick Carlisle - Not bad, I guess, but he's been fired twice by winning teams, so something ain't right.
Terry Stotts - The man coached both Atlanta AND Milwaukee. Hey who's used to losing?
Dwane Casey - No words needed. He likes failure as much as most people like breathing.
March 10, 2009
Lane
Lane,
It is the SEC. Um, yeah. This isn't Oakland. You need to win more than a couple games OVER AND ABOVE North Texas, Tennessee-Chatt., or Louisiana Ragin' Cajun. This first year isn't going to be fun for you. Think about that before you take on Spurrier and Meyer.
Oh and I almost forgot. You play in front of about 105K for home games. At least win at home so you have some friends.
It is the SEC. Um, yeah. This isn't Oakland. You need to win more than a couple games OVER AND ABOVE North Texas, Tennessee-Chatt., or Louisiana Ragin' Cajun. This first year isn't going to be fun for you. Think about that before you take on Spurrier and Meyer.
Oh and I almost forgot. You play in front of about 105K for home games. At least win at home so you have some friends.
February 24, 2009
Sorry but y'all are staying in Oakland
The Fremont Athletics are no more.
Opponents characterized the A's as a group likely to "create traffic problems and drive down property values."
Well, yeah.
Opponents characterized the A's as a group likely to "create traffic problems and drive down property values."
Well, yeah.
February 8, 2009
Dirty Bird
Well, look what we got here. What will be his excuse?
A. This was my first time. I was just going along to help my friend, Mark.
B. It wasn't me.
C. See, what had happened was, I . . .
D. I have found god/renewed my faith with Jesus.
Other thoughts?
A. This was my first time. I was just going along to help my friend, Mark.
B. It wasn't me.
C. See, what had happened was, I . . .
D. I have found god/renewed my faith with Jesus.
Other thoughts?
February 2, 2009
It's Even Got The Hook So You Can Hang Yourself If You Want To
The NFL season just ended with a team having the same record as the Minnesota Vikings taking the best team in the league to the hilt because Kurt Warner can throw the ball better than 90% of QBs. This isn't to say he's good. He can simply execute throws to an open receiver with alarming regularity. Hey Tarvaris! You might want to pay attention! You see how he drops back and throws the ball to a spot and doesn't think about it? Also, see how the ball stays within 6 feet of the receiver? LESSON!
And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.
(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)
Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...
1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...
PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.
Pat.
Williams.
Diet pills.
Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!
2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!
The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.
The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.
And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
Let's get to the breakdown:
Matt Flynn's Backup
They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.
They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:
Yeah.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!
And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!
Get My Goose On
Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:
First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.
And then there was Travis Henry.
The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.
Then, this:
That ain't mine!
How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?
Niiiiiiiiiice.
Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since
Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:
But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.
The Cleveland Steamers
It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:
------------------------------------------------
All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.
Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!
Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.
And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.
(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)
Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...
1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...
PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.
Pat.
Williams.
Diet pills.
Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!
2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!
The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.
The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.
And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
Let's get to the breakdown:
Matt Flynn's Backup
They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.
They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:
Yeah.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!
And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!
Get My Goose On
Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:
First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.
And then there was Travis Henry.
The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.
Then, this:
That ain't mine!
"Henry was in federal custody on suspicion of knowingly and intentionally conspiring to distribute and possess with intent to distribute cocaine."
How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?
The case has its roots in Montana, where a trooper and DEA agent stopped a car that was carrying six pounds of marijuana and about three kilograms of cocaine on Sept. 16, the affidavit said.
A passenger in the car, whose name was not disclosed in the affidavit, told authorities Mack and Henry had supplied him with the drugs, which he was supposed to deliver to customers in Billings.
Niiiiiiiiiice.
Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since
Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:
But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.
The Cleveland Steamers
It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:
------------------------------------------------
All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.
Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!
Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.
January 30, 2009
God, who would want to be with such an asshole?
We're nearing the end of an NFL season that saw a real-live club go the entire course of of the schedule without winning one single game. That kind of failure is perfect, the total refinement of what we celebrate here. This league isn't for those who are just "bad". There's plenty of that every day of your life (likely in the mirror, too). No, this league celebrates the ridiculous failure, the kind that ends up on plaques. The kind that gets not only coaches fired but ends with SPONSERS going bankrupt. You think it's a coincidence Ford is in the shitter? They put their name on a toilet of a stadium. I hear there's hardly any lines at the mens room though, so.....
I'm in the mood for some rambling, and some Wu Tang Clan, so let's begin...
The response while I bomb that ass, / "You ain't shit!" Your wack ass town had you gassed.
So the OKC Thunder. Well, that worked out, didn't it? Mr. Bill at ESPN is quick to point out Durant's numbers as some sort of validation of talent, but stop at look at Big Al's numbers sometime too. He's putting up double doubles like it ain't no thing, and they're still dog-piss. The point is that on the shittiest teams, the "good player" will always shine brighter than on the quality teams. Look at KG's rebounds this season. You know why they're so low? BECAUSE HIS TEAM MAKES SHOTS AND THERE'S NO REBOUNDS TO BE HAD. I mean, yeah, a guy averaging 24 points a game is cool, but when your team puts up 70 for the game and you get done backwards AND frontwards by the Atlantas of the world, I don't see progress. Trust me Bill, you've crossed into the territory of "cheering for a quality basketball team", but I can report from the other side that stats don't mean horseshit. When the team sucks, it sucks because of the players. And Durant is one of those players. It's easy to score points when the other team doesn't take you seriously.
My rap style has the force to leave you lost like the tribe of Shabazz
Speaking of a team just completely adrift, the Charlotte Hornets or Bobcats or Whatever. Hey, how's Larry doing down there? Let's see, sitting at 19-28. Scoring DEAD LAST in the east at 91.8 per game. And how's that defense doing? Well, it's giving up 93.6 per game. Not bad, not great. Larry Ball doesn't seem to be working. And then your second-highest leading scorer punctures a goddamned lung and has to go to the hospital. Your leading scorer is Jason Richardson. Boris Diaw ranks 3rd. Wow. Life for this team is VERY hard. Hey though, Sean May's working out, right?
Oh.
I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT
Hey San Diego Chargers, I have an idea. Now, I know the option of GETTING RID OF YOUR BEST PLAYER is on the table, but hear me out. I can see that the instinct here would be to change a lot of stuff and cut players and start from scratch and bring in some young talent to replace the older guys... but I think it's a lot easier.
Your team, minus this man:
Think about it.
First of all, who's your A&R? A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar...
Boy, Mark Cuban is good for your team isn't he? A masterful marketer! He's on the phone all the time! Energy, UP! MFFL!!!!
Let's go take a look at that roster, shall we?
Hey, is that Erick Dampier? Wow, he must be worth the 10 million per year, right? And Jason Kidd.... now you didn't happen to trade Devin Harris for him, did you?
Jerry Stackhouse, still pulling in 7 per year. Oh, and he's signed for next year too. Averaging 5 points per game though.
Look, nobody questions Mark's ability to run the business of this team, but a real GM needs to be making personnel choices. They have lost two elite players in the last 5 years, and when they decide to cut ties with Dirk, he's going to put up 30 a game in Washington or whatever.
However, to bring this thing full circle, they at least have a winning record, which is something folks around here could only dream of. Nice job keeping the Lakers under 150 though.
In conclusion:
Hook em, Horns. And stuff.
I'm in the mood for some rambling, and some Wu Tang Clan, so let's begin...
The response while I bomb that ass, / "You ain't shit!" Your wack ass town had you gassed.
So the OKC Thunder. Well, that worked out, didn't it? Mr. Bill at ESPN is quick to point out Durant's numbers as some sort of validation of talent, but stop at look at Big Al's numbers sometime too. He's putting up double doubles like it ain't no thing, and they're still dog-piss. The point is that on the shittiest teams, the "good player" will always shine brighter than on the quality teams. Look at KG's rebounds this season. You know why they're so low? BECAUSE HIS TEAM MAKES SHOTS AND THERE'S NO REBOUNDS TO BE HAD. I mean, yeah, a guy averaging 24 points a game is cool, but when your team puts up 70 for the game and you get done backwards AND frontwards by the Atlantas of the world, I don't see progress. Trust me Bill, you've crossed into the territory of "cheering for a quality basketball team", but I can report from the other side that stats don't mean horseshit. When the team sucks, it sucks because of the players. And Durant is one of those players. It's easy to score points when the other team doesn't take you seriously.
My rap style has the force to leave you lost like the tribe of Shabazz
Speaking of a team just completely adrift, the Charlotte Hornets or Bobcats or Whatever. Hey, how's Larry doing down there? Let's see, sitting at 19-28. Scoring DEAD LAST in the east at 91.8 per game. And how's that defense doing? Well, it's giving up 93.6 per game. Not bad, not great. Larry Ball doesn't seem to be working. And then your second-highest leading scorer punctures a goddamned lung and has to go to the hospital. Your leading scorer is Jason Richardson. Boris Diaw ranks 3rd. Wow. Life for this team is VERY hard. Hey though, Sean May's working out, right?
Oh.
I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT
Hey San Diego Chargers, I have an idea. Now, I know the option of GETTING RID OF YOUR BEST PLAYER is on the table, but hear me out. I can see that the instinct here would be to change a lot of stuff and cut players and start from scratch and bring in some young talent to replace the older guys... but I think it's a lot easier.
Your team, minus this man:
Think about it.
First of all, who's your A&R? A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar...
Boy, Mark Cuban is good for your team isn't he? A masterful marketer! He's on the phone all the time! Energy, UP! MFFL!!!!
Let's go take a look at that roster, shall we?
Hey, is that Erick Dampier? Wow, he must be worth the 10 million per year, right? And Jason Kidd.... now you didn't happen to trade Devin Harris for him, did you?
Jerry Stackhouse, still pulling in 7 per year. Oh, and he's signed for next year too. Averaging 5 points per game though.
Look, nobody questions Mark's ability to run the business of this team, but a real GM needs to be making personnel choices. They have lost two elite players in the last 5 years, and when they decide to cut ties with Dirk, he's going to put up 30 a game in Washington or whatever.
However, to bring this thing full circle, they at least have a winning record, which is something folks around here could only dream of. Nice job keeping the Lakers under 150 though.
In conclusion:
Hook em, Horns. And stuff.
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