Sometimes the stars align

I have to agree with the 4th response. I thought he was on the run. He has "matured" now. So he has put down the pop can? OK, maybe him and McHale can make a comeback together in the ABA. Perhaps he can play with Cedric Ceballos of the Maywood Buzz and they can talk about dunk contests. I am sure Rider will feel right at home in North Texas. No worries or problems to come there. How about a little god finding for Rider? This could be gold.

Fat

How else do you fracture a bone? What do you think he was doing for the days he was holding out? Staying fit? Nah. Wonder what Marvin Lewis has to say about that?

'Toine

This could be a quick spiral for Walker. Is he even playing anymore? Can he get himself in shape to play? If he would have gone downtown, he would have stretched his dollar/checks further. If Vegas isn't lucky, why not try South Lake Tahoe. We'll keep tracking this guy. Stay tuned.

Gold everywhere

Not to give Milton his due as the first post on this blog, but this is gold.

We have God, handcuffed handcuffs, and Barrett doing his best Carl Eller with the cops.

Take it easy on yourself Barrett, it wouldn't have made a difference if you played.

MILTON BRADLEY

OH MY GOD

OH MY.

DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?

MILTON BRADLEY, THE BEST, THE BIGGEST LIFE FAILER OF ALL TIME

Call Me Bosephus

Ok, I was just watching the Twins play the Cubs, and someone mentioned something about Eddie Guardado. So I decided to look him up...

Hmmm, he's back on the Rangers. Ok, great. He's posted a 4.7 ERA this year, not bad, not bad. Then I saw on his ESPN page that he was brought up from AAA the same time as...

Oh dear. Is that Andruw Jones?

And that led me to the Texas Rangers roster for 2009. OH MY GOD, THE FAIL. THE FAIL.

Let's start at pitchers:

Joaquin Benoit - Dickfer, how much did we win off him in Vegas? 50? 400? I'll never forget the ticker... Rangers v. Twins, Radke had given up a few in the early innings (like you would expect any different) and we had the over. Score was something like Rangers 4, Twins 3 in the 6th inning. Then we saw the ticker... "NOW PITCHING, TEXAS J. BENOIT". Dickfer turns to me, "Win".

Jason Grilli - REALLY? Here's a guy who couldn't keep it together in the TIGER bullpen, where they employed Derek Smalls for 2 years AND Fernando Rodney.

Vincente Padilla - I remember a game against the Twins where he gave up like 4 home runs in an inning. I think one of them was to Punto.

Now position players:

Omar Vizquel - OH MY GOD HE STILL DRAWS BREATH.

Brandon Boggs - I thought this was Wade's son. One look at the picture on ESPN says otherwise. He's just like Boggs in every way except he's hitting .167 this year and .225 for his career. Which will be short.

Andruw Jones - Absolutely nothing I can say will provide the proper scope to just how far that man has fallen off the wagon. His failure now is entering epic proportions. Seriously, 5 years ago people would defend to their death his fielding prowess against guys like Torii and Griffey. Now? HE STARTED THE SEASON IN THE TEXAS RANGERS MINOR LEAGUES.

Today's Sports Failure

Our sports failure today is Scott Linebrink. Scott certainly faced a lot of lead in the 8th inning of today's White Sox/Blue Jays game, discounting Bartolo "Muy Caliente" Colon's fine performance (5 hits in 5 innings, no runs). By the time Scott got in the game, Chicago was clinging to a 1-0 lead. But this is the Great White North, they are a first place team, and your HORSESHIT WON'T WORK HERE, EH?!

Scott's line
1 IP
3 H
2 R
2 ER
1 Wild Pitch

Chicago's interim manager Joey Cora said "To win 1-0 against that team would have been tough and obviously it didn't happen." Sadly, Ozzie is attending his son's graduation, so our reaction isn't nearly as colorful as we would hope. But there are other points worth mentioning:

The White Sox have lost 10 of their last 13.

It had been nearly two years since the White Sox were leading in a game AT Toronto.

Congratulations to Scott, today's sports failure. Scott will receive a gift certificate to Auto Masters, with locations in Des Plaines, Maywood, and Schaumburg.

Juan Morillo

Ok, this had to get its own post.

Now, the simple fact is that you could pull ANY Twins reliever out and show their stats and it would look like a baby without a diaper, but this one stands above the rest. And that's really saying something, because guys like Jesse Crain don't know how to wipe properly, let alone throw strikes.

In today's baseball game against the Red Sox:

Juan Morillo entered the game in the 7th inning. He threw 17 pitches.

SOMEHOW, HE WALKED THREE BATTERS AND GAVE UP A HIT.

He was pulled with the bases sauced. That means he got zero outs.

Every one of his runners scored. 4 Earned Runs.

17 pitches, 4 earned runs. No outs. You know what that means? Potsy does. It means an ERA of "infinity". It means that if you aggregate out his numbers, and he were to pitch a full nine innings, he would give up ∞ runs.

∞

That is all.

A quick look at that Dallas Mavericks coaching staff

Wow. It reads like a list of strike out NBA coaches:

Rick Carlisle - Not bad, I guess, but he's been fired twice by winning teams, so something ain't right.

Terry Stotts - The man coached both Atlanta AND Milwaukee. Hey who's used to losing?

Dwane Casey - No words needed. He likes failure as much as most people like breathing.

Lane

Lane,

It is the SEC. Um, yeah. This isn't Oakland. You need to win more than a couple games OVER AND ABOVE North Texas, Tennessee-Chatt., or Louisiana Ragin' Cajun. This first year isn't going to be fun for you. Think about that before you take on Spurrier and Meyer.

Oh and I almost forgot. You play in front of about 105K for home games. At least win at home so you have some friends.

Sorry but y'all are staying in Oakland

The Fremont Athletics are no more.

Opponents characterized the A's as a group likely to "create traffic problems and drive down property values."

Well, yeah.

Dirty Bird

Well, look what we got here. What will be his excuse?

A. This was my first time. I was just going along to help my friend, Mark.
B. It wasn't me.
C. See, what had happened was, I . . .
D. I have found god/renewed my faith with Jesus.

Other thoughts?

It's Even Got The Hook So You Can Hang Yourself If You Want To

The NFL season just ended with a team having the same record as the Minnesota Vikings taking the best team in the league to the hilt because Kurt Warner can throw the ball better than 90% of QBs. This isn't to say he's good. He can simply execute throws to an open receiver with alarming regularity. Hey Tarvaris! You might want to pay attention! You see how he drops back and throws the ball to a spot and doesn't think about it? Also, see how the ball stays within 6 feet of the receiver? LESSON!

And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.

(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)

Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...

1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...

PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.

Pat.

Williams.

Diet pills.

Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!

2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!

The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.

The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.

And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

Let's get to the breakdown:


Matt Flynn's Backup

They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.

They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:



Yeah.


Smelly Pirate Hookers

The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!

And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!


Get My Goose On

Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:

First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.

And then there was Travis Henry.

The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.

Then, this:

That ain't mine!

"Henry was in federal custody on suspicion of knowingly and intentionally conspiring to distribute and possess with intent to distribute cocaine."

How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?

The case has its roots in Montana, where a trooper and DEA agent stopped a car that was carrying six pounds of marijuana and about three kilograms of cocaine on Sept. 16, the affidavit said.

A passenger in the car, whose name was not disclosed in the affidavit, told authorities Mack and Henry had supplied him with the drugs, which he was supposed to deliver to customers in Billings.

Niiiiiiiiiice.


Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since

Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:



But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.


The Cleveland Steamers

It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:



------------------------------------------------

All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.

Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!






Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.

God, who would want to be with such an asshole?

We're nearing the end of an NFL season that saw a real-live club go the entire course of of the schedule without winning one single game. That kind of failure is perfect, the total refinement of what we celebrate here. This league isn't for those who are just "bad". There's plenty of that every day of your life (likely in the mirror, too). No, this league celebrates the ridiculous failure, the kind that ends up on plaques. The kind that gets not only coaches fired but ends with SPONSERS going bankrupt. You think it's a coincidence Ford is in the shitter? They put their name on a toilet of a stadium. I hear there's hardly any lines at the mens room though, so.....

I'm in the mood for some rambling, and some Wu Tang Clan, so let's begin...

The response while I bomb that ass, / "You ain't shit!" Your wack ass town had you gassed.

So the OKC Thunder. Well, that worked out, didn't it? Mr. Bill at ESPN is quick to point out Durant's numbers as some sort of validation of talent, but stop at look at Big Al's numbers sometime too. He's putting up double doubles like it ain't no thing, and they're still dog-piss. The point is that on the shittiest teams, the "good player" will always shine brighter than on the quality teams. Look at KG's rebounds this season. You know why they're so low? BECAUSE HIS TEAM MAKES SHOTS AND THERE'S NO REBOUNDS TO BE HAD. I mean, yeah, a guy averaging 24 points a game is cool, but when your team puts up 70 for the game and you get done backwards AND frontwards by the Atlantas of the world, I don't see progress. Trust me Bill, you've crossed into the territory of "cheering for a quality basketball team", but I can report from the other side that stats don't mean horseshit. When the team sucks, it sucks because of the players. And Durant is one of those players. It's easy to score points when the other team doesn't take you seriously.

My rap style has the force to leave you lost like the tribe of Shabazz

Speaking of a team just completely adrift, the Charlotte Hornets or Bobcats or Whatever. Hey, how's Larry doing down there? Let's see, sitting at 19-28. Scoring DEAD LAST in the east at 91.8 per game. And how's that defense doing? Well, it's giving up 93.6 per game. Not bad, not great. Larry Ball doesn't seem to be working. And then your second-highest leading scorer punctures a goddamned lung and has to go to the hospital. Your leading scorer is Jason Richardson. Boris Diaw ranks 3rd. Wow. Life for this team is VERY hard. Hey though, Sean May's working out, right?




Oh.

I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT

Hey San Diego Chargers, I have an idea. Now, I know the option of GETTING RID OF YOUR BEST PLAYER is on the table, but hear me out. I can see that the instinct here would be to change a lot of stuff and cut players and start from scratch and bring in some young talent to replace the older guys... but I think it's a lot easier.

Your team, minus this man:


Think about it.

First of all, who's your A&R? A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar...

Boy, Mark Cuban is good for your team isn't he? A masterful marketer! He's on the phone all the time! Energy, UP! MFFL!!!!

Let's go take a look at that roster, shall we?

Hey, is that Erick Dampier? Wow, he must be worth the 10 million per year, right? And Jason Kidd.... now you didn't happen to trade Devin Harris for him, did you?

Jerry Stackhouse, still pulling in 7 per year. Oh, and he's signed for next year too. Averaging 5 points per game though.

Look, nobody questions Mark's ability to run the business of this team, but a real GM needs to be making personnel choices. They have lost two elite players in the last 5 years, and when they decide to cut ties with Dirk, he's going to put up 30 a game in Washington or whatever.

However, to bring this thing full circle, they at least have a winning record, which is something folks around here could only dream of. Nice job keeping the Lakers under 150 though.



In conclusion:


Hook em, Horns. And stuff.

This is the last season, it'll be announced tomorrow

When the Detroit Lions did what they usually do to end the season, they joined the company of a group rare to see additions: NFL teams that failed to win a game in a season. And anyone who follows the NFL (even on a casual level) gives the Lions an out-of-sight and out-of-mind attitude. But the 2008 Lions were not a horrifically awful team, nor one that was boring...they were simply repetitive. How could you not be when you lose each week? They were not the child at the restaurant that dumps his pants and ruins everyone's meals. Instead, they were the waiter who looked competent only to bring the wrong dishes to the table and then loudly fall into a mixing bowl on the way back to the kitchen.

I'm going to give you, the reader, a lot of credit right off the bat and say that you heard/watched/read a lot of stories on the Lions season finale at the end of 2008. Everyone from analysts to the unlistenable on radio simply put a dunce cap on them reading "Worst team of all time" and that was that. You never heard anything else about them, beyond the reaction of the Lions being the first "0-16 team." Therefore, they have to be the worst, right? No one ever lost that many games in a season! This same flammable logic meant that the Patriots were the best team ever last season because they were the first to go 16-0! (Of course, for the 1972 Dolphins, playing 16 games in the regular season would have been fucking impossible).

But the reason for writing this, beyond once again proving the overfed sport sows wrong, is to tell you that the 2008 Detroit Lions are plenty bad...downright awful...and not even the worst Lions team of all time.

I spent so much of my professional career (hell, still do) involved in research, so I did quite a bit here. We're going way back in time and having to adjust some things to make the playing field even. First off - we're not including defensive stats in the recent times because, well, they didn't keep them way back when. Don't look at me. Someone in the Press "Box" (likely named Shorty or Stumpy or Pudge) was too occupied covering the offensive stats and staring at the dames. Secondly, percentages were used within that particular season to see if that amount of turnovers/shitty offense was bad for that season. If everyone was playing bad it doesn't mean as much if it's a "usual" season and there's one real fuck up. Finally, there is one other criterion that is such a personal and business submittal it HAD to be included. This may never happen again, but wouldn't it be fun?!

I also note in full disclosure that I have not seen anyone else rank the bad teams with the inclusion of the 2008 Lions so if they have, know that I didn't copy from them.

Honorable Mentions: The 1944 Chicago/Pittsburgh Cardinals/Pittsburgh Steelers...who moved during the season, had 3 different names and didn't win a game. The 1960 Dallas Cowboys also went winless but did tie one game. The 1982 Baltimore Colts mirrored the '60 Cowboys with no wins and one tie but were shut out twice and 7 points off the league's points-per-game average. They were also coached by Frank "I punch my punter in the mouth" Kush (who's on Facebook!). And, of course, the 2008 Lions.

The Fifth Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1943 Chicago Cardinals 0-10

As you just read above, the Cards next season were moved east and saw it not make any difference. But in 1943 they were in Chicago all year, while the Bears were storming it up eventually winning the NFL title. Simultaneously, the Cardinals were shut out in 3 games and leading the league in turnovers. This slight output lead to a 10 point per game average for the Cards...with the NFL average double that. Having looked over all these teams, I think that it is fitting there's a Cardinals team in the top 5.

The Fourth Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-14

Much has been written about this team - essentially all of it is true: A good coach having no idea what he was really getting into, a team nearly full of rejects or has-beens, and a lot of intimidation from "real" teams. It was a tough season for the winless Bucs, and they delivered the earmarks for an awful season: They were shut out 5 times. They had the worst offense in the league. Therefore...they scored the least amount of points. If you've seen any footage of that season, you not only know how tough it is to watch but how difficult it was for the team to score. They averaged 9 points a game...ten less than the league average. It took them 26 games to win their first (they were on pace to be even WORSE than the 1976 team) only to finish their second season winning their last two games.

The Third Worst NFL Team of all Time
The 1944 Brooklyn Tigers 0-10

Who? Well, they were a real team, and so were their failures. They were scoreless in three games that season, and as a result scored the least amount of points of any team that season. But it wasn't a reflection of a low scoring era - the Tigers were 11 points below the league average for points per game. When you're worse than the other winless team in the league, it's enough to make you close up shop (which the Tigers did). I haven't been able to find any footage of cries from Brooklyn residents upset that their pro team folded. Maybe it doesn't hurt as bad if they don't move somewhere.

The Second Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1942 Detroit Lions 0-11

Oh yes, folks. Let there be no doubt: THIS Lions team is the worst in franchise history. And that's no mean feat. This Lions team was shut out in nearly half of its games (5, as near as you can with an odd number of games) and had the worst offense in the league. Naturally they also lead the league in turnovers, which was easy to do for this squad. In one loss to the Bears (a 42-0 life adjustment) the Lions delivered an astounding TWELVE TURNOVERS. With that many shutouts and that many turnovers, the Lions averaged 3 points per game...when the league average was 16! But there can only be one ultimate failure...and that is...

The Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1934 Cincinnati Reds 0-8

Now, I know what you're thinking: first off, the name alone of the team seems all wrong. And then, it was 74 seasons ago. You're right on both counts, but check out this steaming failure of a season:
--They were shut out in 6 of their 8 games
--They scored 10 points ALL SEASON, when the league average was 11 per game
--They had the worst offense in the league (here's an interesting aside: The "St. Louis Gunners" played only 3 NFL games that season. They went 1-2, and still had a better offense over 3 games than the Reds did in 8)
--In its second year of football, the Reds closed up shop. Cincinnati, so scarred from such a development, didn't see pro football again until 1968.

In this season, Pete Saumer got the TD, Algy Clark hit the Field Goal, and Biff Lee made the PAT. Let's take a second to remember their rare (for the team) successes. There is a bit of luck the Cincinnati Reds team has - it was decades ago, they ceased to exist after that season. And of course, they have the same name as the baseball team. This team is truly a hidden gem.

There's nothing like that hidden failure to start the year. The '34 Reds are the worst NFL team of all time.

(NFL Guru Matt Millen on the news not one of his Lions teams made the top 5)

More Pacman

It's Pacman, not Adam, screw that "Adam" crap. Seriously, who gives him a second chance? Oakland? Oh that will be a healthy situation for him. No worries there. Sure does like them strip clubs. There are many ways you can bet the future of this man's life.

Finds God. -300.
Foreclosed home. -250.
Jumps bail. +200.
AFL (after prison). +500.

Speaking of jumping bail, where is our buddy JR Rider? Still layin' low, I guess.