God, who would want to be with such an asshole?

We're nearing the end of an NFL season that saw a real-live club go the entire course of of the schedule without winning one single game. That kind of failure is perfect, the total refinement of what we celebrate here. This league isn't for those who are just "bad". There's plenty of that every day of your life (likely in the mirror, too). No, this league celebrates the ridiculous failure, the kind that ends up on plaques. The kind that gets not only coaches fired but ends with SPONSERS going bankrupt. You think it's a coincidence Ford is in the shitter? They put their name on a toilet of a stadium. I hear there's hardly any lines at the mens room though, so.....

I'm in the mood for some rambling, and some Wu Tang Clan, so let's begin...

The response while I bomb that ass, / "You ain't shit!" Your wack ass town had you gassed.

So the OKC Thunder. Well, that worked out, didn't it? Mr. Bill at ESPN is quick to point out Durant's numbers as some sort of validation of talent, but stop at look at Big Al's numbers sometime too. He's putting up double doubles like it ain't no thing, and they're still dog-piss. The point is that on the shittiest teams, the "good player" will always shine brighter than on the quality teams. Look at KG's rebounds this season. You know why they're so low? BECAUSE HIS TEAM MAKES SHOTS AND THERE'S NO REBOUNDS TO BE HAD. I mean, yeah, a guy averaging 24 points a game is cool, but when your team puts up 70 for the game and you get done backwards AND frontwards by the Atlantas of the world, I don't see progress. Trust me Bill, you've crossed into the territory of "cheering for a quality basketball team", but I can report from the other side that stats don't mean horseshit. When the team sucks, it sucks because of the players. And Durant is one of those players. It's easy to score points when the other team doesn't take you seriously.

My rap style has the force to leave you lost like the tribe of Shabazz

Speaking of a team just completely adrift, the Charlotte Hornets or Bobcats or Whatever. Hey, how's Larry doing down there? Let's see, sitting at 19-28. Scoring DEAD LAST in the east at 91.8 per game. And how's that defense doing? Well, it's giving up 93.6 per game. Not bad, not great. Larry Ball doesn't seem to be working. And then your second-highest leading scorer punctures a goddamned lung and has to go to the hospital. Your leading scorer is Jason Richardson. Boris Diaw ranks 3rd. Wow. Life for this team is VERY hard. Hey though, Sean May's working out, right?




Oh.

I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT

Hey San Diego Chargers, I have an idea. Now, I know the option of GETTING RID OF YOUR BEST PLAYER is on the table, but hear me out. I can see that the instinct here would be to change a lot of stuff and cut players and start from scratch and bring in some young talent to replace the older guys... but I think it's a lot easier.

Your team, minus this man:


Think about it.

First of all, who's your A&R? A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar...

Boy, Mark Cuban is good for your team isn't he? A masterful marketer! He's on the phone all the time! Energy, UP! MFFL!!!!

Let's go take a look at that roster, shall we?

Hey, is that Erick Dampier? Wow, he must be worth the 10 million per year, right? And Jason Kidd.... now you didn't happen to trade Devin Harris for him, did you?

Jerry Stackhouse, still pulling in 7 per year. Oh, and he's signed for next year too. Averaging 5 points per game though.

Look, nobody questions Mark's ability to run the business of this team, but a real GM needs to be making personnel choices. They have lost two elite players in the last 5 years, and when they decide to cut ties with Dirk, he's going to put up 30 a game in Washington or whatever.

However, to bring this thing full circle, they at least have a winning record, which is something folks around here could only dream of. Nice job keeping the Lakers under 150 though.



In conclusion:


Hook em, Horns. And stuff.

This is the last season, it'll be announced tomorrow

When the Detroit Lions did what they usually do to end the season, they joined the company of a group rare to see additions: NFL teams that failed to win a game in a season. And anyone who follows the NFL (even on a casual level) gives the Lions an out-of-sight and out-of-mind attitude. But the 2008 Lions were not a horrifically awful team, nor one that was boring...they were simply repetitive. How could you not be when you lose each week? They were not the child at the restaurant that dumps his pants and ruins everyone's meals. Instead, they were the waiter who looked competent only to bring the wrong dishes to the table and then loudly fall into a mixing bowl on the way back to the kitchen.

I'm going to give you, the reader, a lot of credit right off the bat and say that you heard/watched/read a lot of stories on the Lions season finale at the end of 2008. Everyone from analysts to the unlistenable on radio simply put a dunce cap on them reading "Worst team of all time" and that was that. You never heard anything else about them, beyond the reaction of the Lions being the first "0-16 team." Therefore, they have to be the worst, right? No one ever lost that many games in a season! This same flammable logic meant that the Patriots were the best team ever last season because they were the first to go 16-0! (Of course, for the 1972 Dolphins, playing 16 games in the regular season would have been fucking impossible).

But the reason for writing this, beyond once again proving the overfed sport sows wrong, is to tell you that the 2008 Detroit Lions are plenty bad...downright awful...and not even the worst Lions team of all time.

I spent so much of my professional career (hell, still do) involved in research, so I did quite a bit here. We're going way back in time and having to adjust some things to make the playing field even. First off - we're not including defensive stats in the recent times because, well, they didn't keep them way back when. Don't look at me. Someone in the Press "Box" (likely named Shorty or Stumpy or Pudge) was too occupied covering the offensive stats and staring at the dames. Secondly, percentages were used within that particular season to see if that amount of turnovers/shitty offense was bad for that season. If everyone was playing bad it doesn't mean as much if it's a "usual" season and there's one real fuck up. Finally, there is one other criterion that is such a personal and business submittal it HAD to be included. This may never happen again, but wouldn't it be fun?!

I also note in full disclosure that I have not seen anyone else rank the bad teams with the inclusion of the 2008 Lions so if they have, know that I didn't copy from them.

Honorable Mentions: The 1944 Chicago/Pittsburgh Cardinals/Pittsburgh Steelers...who moved during the season, had 3 different names and didn't win a game. The 1960 Dallas Cowboys also went winless but did tie one game. The 1982 Baltimore Colts mirrored the '60 Cowboys with no wins and one tie but were shut out twice and 7 points off the league's points-per-game average. They were also coached by Frank "I punch my punter in the mouth" Kush (who's on Facebook!). And, of course, the 2008 Lions.

The Fifth Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1943 Chicago Cardinals 0-10

As you just read above, the Cards next season were moved east and saw it not make any difference. But in 1943 they were in Chicago all year, while the Bears were storming it up eventually winning the NFL title. Simultaneously, the Cardinals were shut out in 3 games and leading the league in turnovers. This slight output lead to a 10 point per game average for the Cards...with the NFL average double that. Having looked over all these teams, I think that it is fitting there's a Cardinals team in the top 5.

The Fourth Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-14

Much has been written about this team - essentially all of it is true: A good coach having no idea what he was really getting into, a team nearly full of rejects or has-beens, and a lot of intimidation from "real" teams. It was a tough season for the winless Bucs, and they delivered the earmarks for an awful season: They were shut out 5 times. They had the worst offense in the league. Therefore...they scored the least amount of points. If you've seen any footage of that season, you not only know how tough it is to watch but how difficult it was for the team to score. They averaged 9 points a game...ten less than the league average. It took them 26 games to win their first (they were on pace to be even WORSE than the 1976 team) only to finish their second season winning their last two games.

The Third Worst NFL Team of all Time
The 1944 Brooklyn Tigers 0-10

Who? Well, they were a real team, and so were their failures. They were scoreless in three games that season, and as a result scored the least amount of points of any team that season. But it wasn't a reflection of a low scoring era - the Tigers were 11 points below the league average for points per game. When you're worse than the other winless team in the league, it's enough to make you close up shop (which the Tigers did). I haven't been able to find any footage of cries from Brooklyn residents upset that their pro team folded. Maybe it doesn't hurt as bad if they don't move somewhere.

The Second Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1942 Detroit Lions 0-11

Oh yes, folks. Let there be no doubt: THIS Lions team is the worst in franchise history. And that's no mean feat. This Lions team was shut out in nearly half of its games (5, as near as you can with an odd number of games) and had the worst offense in the league. Naturally they also lead the league in turnovers, which was easy to do for this squad. In one loss to the Bears (a 42-0 life adjustment) the Lions delivered an astounding TWELVE TURNOVERS. With that many shutouts and that many turnovers, the Lions averaged 3 points per game...when the league average was 16! But there can only be one ultimate failure...and that is...

The Worst NFL Team of all Time:
The 1934 Cincinnati Reds 0-8

Now, I know what you're thinking: first off, the name alone of the team seems all wrong. And then, it was 74 seasons ago. You're right on both counts, but check out this steaming failure of a season:
--They were shut out in 6 of their 8 games
--They scored 10 points ALL SEASON, when the league average was 11 per game
--They had the worst offense in the league (here's an interesting aside: The "St. Louis Gunners" played only 3 NFL games that season. They went 1-2, and still had a better offense over 3 games than the Reds did in 8)
--In its second year of football, the Reds closed up shop. Cincinnati, so scarred from such a development, didn't see pro football again until 1968.

In this season, Pete Saumer got the TD, Algy Clark hit the Field Goal, and Biff Lee made the PAT. Let's take a second to remember their rare (for the team) successes. There is a bit of luck the Cincinnati Reds team has - it was decades ago, they ceased to exist after that season. And of course, they have the same name as the baseball team. This team is truly a hidden gem.

There's nothing like that hidden failure to start the year. The '34 Reds are the worst NFL team of all time.

(NFL Guru Matt Millen on the news not one of his Lions teams made the top 5)

More Pacman

It's Pacman, not Adam, screw that "Adam" crap. Seriously, who gives him a second chance? Oakland? Oh that will be a healthy situation for him. No worries there. Sure does like them strip clubs. There are many ways you can bet the future of this man's life.

Finds God. -300.
Foreclosed home. -250.
Jumps bail. +200.
AFL (after prison). +500.

Speaking of jumping bail, where is our buddy JR Rider? Still layin' low, I guess.