The Fremont Athletics are no more.
Opponents characterized the A's as a group likely to "create traffic problems and drive down property values."
Well, yeah.
February 24, 2009
February 8, 2009
Dirty Bird
Well, look what we got here. What will be his excuse?
A. This was my first time. I was just going along to help my friend, Mark.
B. It wasn't me.
C. See, what had happened was, I . . .
D. I have found god/renewed my faith with Jesus.
Other thoughts?
A. This was my first time. I was just going along to help my friend, Mark.
B. It wasn't me.
C. See, what had happened was, I . . .
D. I have found god/renewed my faith with Jesus.
Other thoughts?
February 2, 2009
It's Even Got The Hook So You Can Hang Yourself If You Want To
The NFL season just ended with a team having the same record as the Minnesota Vikings taking the best team in the league to the hilt because Kurt Warner can throw the ball better than 90% of QBs. This isn't to say he's good. He can simply execute throws to an open receiver with alarming regularity. Hey Tarvaris! You might want to pay attention! You see how he drops back and throws the ball to a spot and doesn't think about it? Also, see how the ball stays within 6 feet of the receiver? LESSON!
And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.
(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)
Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...
1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...
PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.
Pat.
Williams.
Diet pills.
Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!
2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!
The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.
The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.
And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
Let's get to the breakdown:
Matt Flynn's Backup
They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.
They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:
Yeah.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!
And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!
Get My Goose On
Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:
First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.
And then there was Travis Henry.
The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.
Then, this:
That ain't mine!
How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?
Niiiiiiiiiice.
Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since
Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:
But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.
The Cleveland Steamers
It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:
------------------------------------------------
All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.
Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!
Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.
And you were sitting there thinking Failure Football was over... well think again, buddy.
(I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that I've been keeping stats all year. It would be best if you do too.)
Boy oh boy, did we have ourselves a season of losing this year. Let's see...
1. The Minnesota Vikings - They are a fucking punchline, every time out. Adrian Peterson proved himself to be one false move away from a broken dick each time he touched the ball, GUS FREROTTE started a great number of games AND WON MOST OF THEM, Tarvaris Jackson remained alive and played in football games, which is insanely funny, and then the funniest thing of the entire year happened...
PAT WILLIAMS WHO HAS NEVER ONCE, EVER, EATEN LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES IN ONE MEAL WAS BUSTED FOR ABUSING DIET PILLS.
Pat.
Williams.
Diet pills.
Go ahead and wrap your head around that. Just think of the ramifications. That's like Vince Young getting busted for abusing intelligence pills. Or Shawn Kemp abusing fertility drugs. Or Brad Childress for using diapers. The whole thing makes no sense. Pat had his suspension appealed and was able to play in every game this season, in which on every single defensive down, he got down into a three point stance, fell to the ground, and plugged the hole. GO ON A DIET, FATTY!
2. The rest of the NFC Central - Holy Santa Claus Shit. What a pathetic showing by the Green and Gold. Good to see guys like Ryan Grant still trying though. And all the receivers. Hey, you think Brett kept those guys in check? How about that defense? KGB has to be the worst defensive player in the country, only outdone by the cornerbacks who hold receivers 4 out of every 5 passes. Do you guys understand the meaning of the words "illegal contact"? Do those make sense to you? It's 5 yards plus a fucking first, dickheads!
The Bears? They nearly backed into the playoffs because the Vikings needed to beat the Giants 3rd string starters by booting a 50 yarder in the dome at the buzzer. They started Orton and Grossman, which never gets old.
The Lions? They completed the worst season, record-wise, in American professional sports history. So there's that.
And of course there was the usual smattering of drug-busts and date-rapes, sprinkled in with much sideline drama, culminating in a wide receiver screaming at his offensive coordinator WHILE HIS TEAM WAS WINNING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
Let's get to the breakdown:
Matt Flynn's Backup
They started out hot with Nate Burleson tearing a CL in the early weeks, and were boosted by the fact that their starting quarterback was Marc Bulger, who is incapable of playing football well. Ted Ginn Jr. put up a monster season, fumbling the ball 5 times and dropping 6 passes. This ain't your daddy's Dolphins! But ultimately, the stats across the board just weren't as tight as you need to win in this league, and they went all season without a major incident to hang their hat upon.
They did, however, employ a man named Owen Schmitt. And he looks like this:
Yeah.
Smelly Pirate Hookers
The Hookers have very strong QB play, led by Neckbeard Orton and Smooth JP Loserman. Never saw a rating over 80, and Orton turned the ball over more than once per game. They also starred Troy Williamson, who was on the roster for the entire year, but managed to catch 5 passes for a total of 30 yards. That's the failure we seek! Matt Jones, in addition to fumbling once and dropping 4 passes LOVES THE NOSE CANDY SO HEY-O! And finally, they found a diamond in the rough with Shaun Alexander, who was cut by horseshit Seattle and then found his way to horseshit Washington, where he couldn't even catch on there. That's an MVP for you! Their team, the Oakland Raiders, also had one of the finest coaching moments of the year (Mike Singletary coming up later in this post), when the team fired Lane Kiffin, who is a smart coach and will do well in a city that is not Oakland, but didn't tell him for a week, allowing him to coach another game and answer questions about it CONSTANTLY. Then during a press conference, an old slimy man wearing a Raiders polo shirt accosted a local newspaper writer, pointing and screaming in his face because he wrote some bad stuff 'bout the team. CLASS-E!
And they had Sebastian Janikowski, who sent 7 kicks NOT through the uprights. GOOD SEASON, HOOKERS!
Get My Goose On
Oh, we got our Gooser on this year! Let's see... Tarvaris Jackson and Jon Kitna were quarterbacks. Thank you Jesus! Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee were running backs. Willis had his head physically separated from his neck during a playoff game, and Rudi Johnson ran into the line of scrimmage and fell down over and over again. But there were really two shining moments to this season that need preservation:
First, they had the Detroit Lions as their team. Now, in addition to playing 16 games and losing 16 games, they allowed 404 yards per game (league worst) and 517 points total on the season - which is 52 more than St. Louis, who was next to last. That is 32.3 points per game. Well they must've done pretty good on the offensive end, eh? They were third to last in yards per game and only scored 16.8 points each contest. Are you doing the math? That means that, on average, they were damn near DOUBLED UP every single game. 16-32. Unbelievable. A season for the ages.
And then there was Travis Henry.
The pride of Frostproof, FL (thanks for rubbing it in, fucks) was released from the Titans in 2007, and caught on with the Broncos. Last season, he failed a drug test and won his appeal, so he wasn't suspended. Then in early 2008, he was released by the Broncs because his "commitment" wasn't adequate. In July, he tested positive for weed and was suspended for one year. Ok, fine.
Then, this:
That ain't mine!
"Henry was in federal custody on suspicion of knowingly and intentionally conspiring to distribute and possess with intent to distribute cocaine."
How are you going to make it through your rehab if you're selling the snow white?
The case has its roots in Montana, where a trooper and DEA agent stopped a car that was carrying six pounds of marijuana and about three kilograms of cocaine on Sept. 16, the affidavit said.
A passenger in the car, whose name was not disclosed in the affidavit, told authorities Mack and Henry had supplied him with the drugs, which he was supposed to deliver to customers in Billings.
Niiiiiiiiiice.
Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot On My Birthday, And We Haven't Sniffed The Big One Since
Their team, the 49ers, saw their coach de-pants himself at halftime of a game. Bernard Berrian dropped 7 passes, but in his defense, his other alternative was to catch them, thus encouraging Action Jackson to try again the next time. And they had a wide receiver named Drew Bennett, who looks like this:
But the bottom line of this season was that their two quarterbacks, Chad Pennington and Matt Ryan, both made the playoffs, something that we DO NOT condone in this league. Sorry, but next year, think about drafting a Bear or a Ram. You won't be disappointed.
The Cleveland Steamers
It was a pretty solid season for the Steamers, coming off last year's tie/victory/fail (however you want to look at it). Their starting QB was Brodie Croyle. He was injured, and Damon Huard stepped in... for a few plays, then he too was injured. So they turend to Joe Flacco, he of the unibrow clan. Joe took his team to the AFC championship, sure. But he also committed a mind-blowing 20 turnovers all by himself. Who taught you to handle the ball, Adrian Peterson? And finally, Kevin Smith:
------------------------------------------------
All in all, it was a good season for most of us, with the celebration of failure lasting well into the playoffs (Kurt Warner opening his speech with "I know some of you get tired of hearing me say this, but...." and me immediately muting the television from down the hall like I was in the Matrix). The league is in good standing and will be active for years to come. The state of the State is great. Jesse taught me that. If anyone else likes to do thankless work like keep stats and do updates, by all means, have yourself some donuts! In the meantime, we always strive to scour the back pages for weed busts and illegal fornication, hoping to make this league the best (or worst) it can be.
Thanks for reading, and let's keep failing!
Oh yeah, the winner this year? Ummmm (looks around the room), that guy.
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