And then you watch the Timberwolves play a game of basketball.
Who involved with this organization is not a failure?
Owner? Check.
The only saving grace is that he won't move the team. But, as the days go on, I'm getting to care less and less.
General Manager? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Coach? Oh god yes.
Worst. Coaching. Record. Ever.
And then there is the host of losers that actually play the basketball... guys who weren't good in college, aren't very good now, and won't grow to be any good in the NBA because of the aforementioned failure coach.
Hey great!
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The Numbers:
JANUARY
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 28
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 23
Whore Island - 21
Baskets and Bullets - 21
Pleads No Contest - 15
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 14
FEBRUARY
Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town - 26
Baskets and Bullets - 25
Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath - 21
Pleads No Contest - 21
Groin - Out Indefinitely - 18
Whore Island - 16
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As you can see by the updated standings on the sidebar, Eddie Telfair is running away with the lead, and it makes perfect sense. His team is the Wolves. They don't draw shit, they can't win at home, and they refuse to play what is known as "defense". Add it up to a guaranteed win each month in most of the team categories. It also doesn't hurt that he employs someone with the first name "Zaza" on his team.
As far as the failure of the month, I am taking the unprecedented step of COMBINING January and February and giving the awards to one player who exemplifies what this league is all about (minus the drinking and driving into oncoming trains).
Ladies and gentlemen:
JAKE VOSKUHL!
(third from left)
Jake is truly the measuring stick by which all other failures should be judged. In January, he played in 9 games, tallying 64 minutes. He somehow managed to accumulate 22 fouls in that span. That played out for an average of 16.5 fouls per 48 minutes. Amazingly, he didn't even lead his own TEAM in fouls per 48, as that was held by DJ "TACO!" Mbenga, who had an average of 18.6 fouls. Quite a cast of losers on Baskets and Bullets this year, that's for sure.
But back to Jake: To go with his 16.5 fouls, he also averaged 6 points, and a stunning 4.5 turnovers. He missed 8 games as well. Talk about filling the stat sheet! Then in February, he played in only 4 games, tallying 7 minutes. Now, when you play in 7 minutes during the month, the following is what you should not acquire: 3 turnovers and 1 foul. Because if you do, you're going to average 20.6 and 6.9, respectively. AND, if you do accumulate those things during your 7 minutes, you should try to at least score one single point. Which Jake did not do. Meaning he averages 0.0 points per 48 minutes, which is truly outstanding.
So here's to you Jake! You sit on the bench for an entire month, and when called upon, you fill up the books with the wrong kind of stats! Wish you were on my team!
