Failure Fantasy Football Rosters

Folks, we've got a hot one brewing here. Mr. Bionic Crotch threw almost 20 incompletions tonight, and he wears a knee brace. Game. On.

Note: the team names are the same as last year right now, post in the comments if you'd like to change them.

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Matt Flynn's Backup

Team - St. Louis Rams

Marc Bulger
Ted Ginn Jr.
Ike Hilliard
Carson Palmer
Clinton Portis
Edgerrin James
Justin Fargas
Ron Dayne
Owen Schmitt
Mike Nugent
Olindo Mare
Nate Burleson
Mike Furrey
Donald Driver


Smelly Pirate Hookers

Team - Oakland Raiders

Kyle Orton
Troy Williamson
Matt Jones
Ahman Green
Julius Jones
Brandon Stokely
Dwayne Jarrett
Lamont Jordan
Reggie Bush
Neil Rackers
Shaun Alexander
Donte Stallworth
Sebastian Janikowski
JP Losman


Get My Goose On

Team - Detroit Lions

Tarvaris Jackson
Rudi Johnson
Javon Walker
Travis Henry
Heath Evans
Ricky Williams
Isaac Bruce
Torry Holt
Ronnie Brown
Bobby Wade
Rian Lindell
Jeff Reed
Willis McGahee
Travis Taylor


Gary Anderson Missed A Chipshot And We Ain't Seen Shit Since

Team - San Francisco 49ers

Chad Pennington
Rashard Mendenhall
Willie Parker
Derrick Mason
Mark Clayton
Travis Minor
Najeh Davenport
Drew Bennett
Bernard Berrian
Vernand Morency
Eric Moulds
Matt Ryan
David Akers
Martin Grammatica


Cleveland Steamers

Team - Kansas City Chiefs

Brodie Croyle
Michael Bennett
Brad Hoover
Amani Toomer
Wes Welker
Kevin Smith
LenDale White
David Tyree
Chad Ocho Cinco
Tatum Bell
Troy Walters
Joe Flacco
Matt Stover
Rob Birones

Failure NFL Draft

Quick and dirty:

When would be a good time to draft failure NFL teams? Would Sunday night be OK? We would've already seen the first games, but it doesn't matter. We're in this for the long term. Plus we'd have yet to see Action Jackson break his dack-sack. I'm thinking about 7pm. Does that work? Otherwise anytime next week would be good too.

Failure Baseball 2008 Rosters

The draft, as always, went off with all the proper errors and mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we didn't all field damn worthy teams. Here are the lineups for the 2008 season, highlighted by a guy name Ubaldo.

Best. Pick. Ever.

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Bacon n Butter (gee I wonder who's team that is)

Team
Texas Rangers

Pitchers
Scott Olsen
Shawn Chacon
Juan Rincon
Andy Sonnanstine
Ubaldo Jimenez

Hitters
Adam Dunn
Dan Uggla
Andruw Jones
Frank Thomas
Paul Konerko
Carlos Lee
Kenji Johijima
Clete Thomas
AJ Pierzinski

Outright Release

Team
Pittsburgh Pirates

Pitchers
Gil Meche
Todd Wellemeyer
C.C. Sabathia
Brett Myers
Chad Gaudin

Hitters
David Ortiz
Russell Martin
Jack Hannahan
Adam LaRoche
Jose Guillen
Ronnie Belliard
Troy Tulowitzki
Gary Matthews
Matt Diaz

The Jesus Sanchez

Team
Florida Marlins

Pitchers
Jose Contreras
Barry Zito
Matt Morris
LaTroy Hawkins
John Danks

Hitters
Adam Everett
Richie Sexson
Juan Uribe
Elijah Dukes
Delmon Young
Gary Sheffield
Jason Bay
Rich Aurilia
Rick Ankiel

The Short Bus Drivers

Team
Kansas City Royals

Pitchers
Daniel Cabrera
Bob Howry
Eric Gagne
Zach Miner
Andrew Miller

Hitters
Jason Bartlett
Jack Cust
Julio Lugo
Khalil Greene
Ryan Howard
Torii Hunter
Bill Hall
Rickie Weeks
Adrian Beltre

Billz

Team
Tampa Bay

Pitchers
Jeff Francis
A.J. Burnett
Paul Maholm
Adam Loewen
Kyle Lohse

Hitters
Miguel Tejada
Ray Durham
Travis Buck
Hunter Pence
Chris B. Young
Austin Kearns
Vladimir Guererro
David Eckstein
Mike Lamb

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So that's it! We've pretty much got every base covered - drug users, easy outs, strikeout machines, pitching machines, and even a guy named Todd. So let the failing begin!

Failure Fantasy NBA Draft Recap

We drafted them out tonight, and I think I speak for us all when I say I am very proud of all our teams. We struck a balance between thugs, weaklings, never-has-beens, and Ukrainians. Here is what we came away with:

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Pleads No Contest

Team: Orlando Magic

Players

Sebastian Telfair
Zach Randolph
Randolph Morris
Antoine Walker
Yi Jianlin
Darrick Martin
Oleksiy Pecherov
Speedy Claxton


Groin - Out Indefinitely

Team: Atlanta Hawks

Players

Shawn Livingston
Darko Milicic
Quincy Douby
Jannero Pargo
Johan Petro
Samuel Dalembert
Jamario Moon
Yakhouba Diawara


Vin Baker's Minty Fresh Breath

Team: Los Angeles Clippers

Players

Jerome James
Marko Jaric
Keith McCloud
Bo Outlaw
Mark Blount
Jason Collins
Royal Ivey
Ron Artest


Whore Island

Team: Philadelphia 76ers

Players

Rafer Alston
Raymond Felton
Ben Gordon
Jamal Crawford
Josh Smith
Rashad McCants
Beno Udrih
Stephen Jackson


Eddie Telfair's Booze Train To Hot Town

Team: Minnesota Timberwolves

Players

Ben Wallace
Jamaal Tinsley
Chris Kaman
Derek Anderson
Zaza Pachulia
Damon Stoudemire
J.R. Smith
Ruben Patterson


Baskets and Bullets

Team: New York Knicks

Deshawn Stevenson
Brian Skinner
Brian Scalabrine
Joel Pryzbilla
Hassan Adams
Kyrylo Fesenko
Jake Voskhul
DJ Mbenga



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Note, to those who missed last night's activities, feel free to draft from the remaining pool of losers and make yourself a team. There should be plenty out there. And to all participants, remember to email me your starters, otherwise I'll just assume we'll use the first 5 guys you drafted.

Game on!

EDIT - It appears as though Jerome James' fat finally broke his knee. Oops! I'll redraft Michael Doleac in his place.