Lack of brains in heads

Here's a quick primer to bring you up to speed:

The Vikings would like to build a stadium.  They need to put together a billion dollar package to make this happen.

The Metrodome, where they currently play, looks like this:

They have a few options.  The first is to tear down the Metrodome and build a stadium on that site.  The second is to tear down the Farmer's Market in Minneapolis and build it there.  The third option is to build it on an old ammunition dump in Arden Hills.

These are all simple, easy choices.  They all have benefits, weaknesses, challenges, etc.

But nobody in this entire state is making an informed choice as to which is better.  Why?  Because there isn't a single source of information out there that isn't so far fucking skewed because they have something to gain in the deal.

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Let's start with the easy target:  The Star Tribune.  To read their "reporting" on the matter, there would be no doubt in your mind that the only feasible option is to build it on the Metrodome site and keep the team in Minneapolis.  As the rest of "Vikings Nation" shouts approval of actually moving on the Arden Hills location, the Star Tribune is VERY QUICK to point out that this thing still has a long way to go in the legislature, and that there are road infrastructure upgrades that are necessary.  Why are they like this?  OH, IS IT BECAUSE THEY FUCKING OWN ALL THE LAND AROUND THE METRODOME??????  They've been sitting on it for decades, just waiting for that payout.  And if the Vikings move to the suburbs?  Oh shit, they're fucked.  No one uses the dome, and suddenly their land is utterly worthless.

Let's keep in mind... this is a media organization.  I can't think of a way in which a medium could have a larger conflict of interest.  It's not possible.  Let's also bring in the fact that the Star Trib is losing money, as are all newspapers, and this is the last gamble that just HAS to go right.

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Ok, so if you read stadium news in the Star Tribune, you are an idiot.  So where else do you go?  The Pioneer Press?  Well, here we run into a thornier problem.... St. Paul sure has wanted to take away the Twins and Vikings for, what, 50 years?  The media organizations in St. Paul are utterly blind to reality... all they know is that a stadium in Ramsey County means they "won" and, more importantly, Minneapolis "lost".  I live over here now, and it just stuns me that people from St. Paul view Minneapolis as "dangerous" and "rowdy".  YOU GUYS ARE LIKE THE SAME FUCKING CITY.  Does Fargo feud with Moorhead like this?  If Baldwin and Woodville can get along, why can't the Twin Cities???

The Pioneer Press makes sure to mention how massive this project is, trying to rev up interest, and how unsettled the Minneapolis stadium site is.  This headline says it all:  Vikings have "concerns" about Minneapolis site.

For fuck's sake.

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So, you can't trust any local media outlet.  So, do you go national?  Oh, heavens no.  The national press absolutely has their hand wrapped 'round the knob of the NFL, so ANY stadium news is GREAT GREAT GREAT.  Take a look at that horeshit article... it's not until the FIFTEENTH paragraph that they mention this:

The stadium discussion had been largely put off at the Capitol as legislators struggle to resolve a $5 billion state deficit. It picked up speed last week, with Dayton saying he had met privately with the Wilfs and that he was ready to sign a stadium bill.

OH WHAT'S THAT, THE STATE IS BROKE??? No bother, because the governor wants it.  GO NFL GO!!!  Outlets like the AP, ESPN, Yahoo, etc, they ALL stand to gain from new stadiums and by proxy, NFL success.  The bigger the league gets, the more readers they have, simple.

Also, in that article, what the fuck is this:

Rosen's bill calls for the state to raise its share with a 10 percent state sales tax on sports memorabilia, a sales tax on luxury seats at the new stadium and on digital video recorders, and proceeds from stadium naming rights and a football-themed state lottery game.

What the shit?  How can you add sales tax on luxury seats at the new stadium?  Wouldn't that just be the price of the seats?  Like "Hey, these luxury boxes are 10,000 dollars per game.  But there is going to be a 10% "tax" on that, the revenue from which will go to pay off the state.  YOU WANT ONION RINGS WITH THAT?"  Just make the price higher.  It's like building a mall, then using a really high tax on everything sold in the mall to pay it off.  Makes no sense.

And what is this about digital video recorders?  So everyone that goes and buys a Flip from Best Buy in Minnesota kicks in for the stadium?  Why not just tax Fuji apples?  Shocks and struts from Autozone?  I love this state... just when you think they can't possibly tax anything else, they just raise the price of Handicams.

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Ok, so you can't trust the local media.  You can't trust the national media.  You sure as shit can't trust what any single politician says about this, because they literally are incapable of making a decision.  The state is 5 billion dollars in the red (or the black... or whatever the bad one is), but there are LOTS of Vikings fans, and they tend to yell dumb things at Town Halls.  So you can't trust them.  What's left?  TO THE GROUPTHINK-MOBILE!

You see, the last bastion of information is the Vikings blogs.  This tenuous gathering of ill-informed homers are completely blind to almost every economic and social reality in modern America.  They know only one thing:  GET THE STADIUM DONE SO I CAN WATCH GREENWAY!

Take a look at this:

I only have one question in this whole stadium issue:
Zygi, what took you so long?
There were three things that struck me about the stadium unveiling yesterday in Arden Hills:
1)  What a GREAT FREAKING PLAN!
2)  Minneapolis is butt hurt, and that kind of makes me smile.
3)  Bud Grant is STILL awesome, and I think if he asked me to, I would try and run through a wall for him.

I don't have anything to say here.  Nothing.  This is a perfect encapsulation of Vikings fans.  Anything I say would just detract from that perfect fail.

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So, in summary, there is no truth but the truth which you believe.  Which could be anything.  And what does it really matter?  It's been a long slide down into the muck, but don't worry, the last few feet will pass quickly.  Sorry LA, it looks like the mouth-breathers will win again.  And to think... we could've BOTH been happy.

Win Away the Pounds!

Rex, I heard a rumour, and I don't know if it's true.  It was that you're on another diet.  This diet consists of only eating carry-out chili.  Is it working?

"Fuuufffffffffffffffffffffff."

Well, this will likely become my signature at the end of each and every blog post

"With the twelfth selection in the 2011 draft, Minnesota selects..."

How'd that 3rd round pick work out?

Not exactly a scientific poll, but...

I mean, I don't know what it means, but it can't be good.

"Hmm... didn't have him on my draft board."

Oh my...

by Tswing on Mar 8, 2011 2:29 PM CST



Well i dont think we are going to get Gabbert, and I personally dont want Newton; and with question marks at all the other quarterbacks in the draft why not use one of our 5th round picks and snag a hometown boy. Last year there was a little talk about grabbing Decker, which we didnt do and with all the injuries to the WR core last year we definately could have used him. I was real big on Decker coming out of the draft last year mainly because of the fact he would have been the Vikings version of Joe Mauer. With another opportunity with Weber, I dont see what we have to lose. At 6'3" 220 lbs, he seems to have the size. With 50 starts, he seems to have the experience; and with 56 touchdowns he seems to have the arm. Today Spielman is at the pro day with Weber and with Spielman choosing to go to the Gopher's pro day as opposed to Auburn or Arkansas - I think he is contemplating the same thing. So what do you think - draft weber? Get our hometown hero?

THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER READ ABOUT SPORTS IN THIS STATE. EVER.

I'm so happy to fail!

Oh lord, I don't see how you could fail more.

Bring on the season!

Howdy friend, beggin' your pardon...

I think it's going to rain,
What's the difference?

Funny how?

What the fuck is so funny, Peter? Are you wandering around this locker room hoping that one of the towel boys has an old #4 jockstrap so you have something to eat for dinner? Or is it because now you get to make Rodgers out to be a gunslinging kid-out-there asshole like you do to everyone?

HATE. PETER. KING.

I'm sorry, I must have got off on the wrong floor...

Because when Skipwinkle Jones said "We're going to go live to Randy Moss in Green Bay with the fan's reaction", I didn't think I'd see this.

See if you can count the open mouths. Mouth-breathing.

The Worst Blog Post, By The Worst Fan, In American History

Folks, we have some success to celebrate at this blog, for the first time in its existence.

(eats slaw dog, takes long draw from can of Steel Reserve)

Ok, that's over. Way to go and all that. Let's get back to talkin' failure.

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I love Viking fans. I really do. They are so utterly incapable of seeing themselves for what they are, and what the rest of the world perceives them to be. They have no memory at all, but yet seem to be steeped in a majestic "tradition", as though Bud Grant making them play without heaters on the sideline equals some kind of success as a franchise. That's like saying the Mad Hungarian's beard saved baseball in Kansas City. True, it was awesome. But they don't hang banners for awesome.

I'll try to shed some light on this horrible, horrible group of people. Pro sports has never known irony and idiocy so perfectly in tune as it does with modern day purple fans.

Let's start here:

I would love to just paste the entire article here, and then type FAIL at the end of it, but we need to open this lovely tulip and really understand what it is about.

I'm not going to sit here and praise the Green Bay Packers, or tell you how much respect I have for them or their players or their coaches or their fans. Why? Because if I were to say those things, there's not a damn one of you that would believe me anyway, and with good reason. My saying those things would be a straight-up, bald-faced lie, and I have too much respect for my fellow fans of the Minnesota Vikings to sit here and lie to you. I still don't have any respect for them or their players or their coaches or the overwhelming majority of their fans, and wouldn't if they won the next twenty Super Bowls. Why? Because they're a rival. . .and if people don't understand that, that really isn't my problem.

Well, here we go. DAMMIT ALL, WHO I GIVE RESPECT TO MATTERS. This reads like the idiot who is rooting anti-Pack at the Super Bowl party just because dick-texter wasn't quite what he used ter be this season. YOU GUYS ARE BECOMING THE RED SOX. Every single action is viewed through the lens of their own inferiority. *SIGH* Ok, let's get this shit clear: Dick-texter threw a pass to Desmond Bishop that went the other way for a touchdown, and the Packers defeated the Vikings in Lambeau. Then Greg Jennings scored 3 touchdowns when Madieu Williams decided he didn't want to cover OR tackle anymore. 2 victories on the season. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE PACKERS GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THE VIKINGS DID, EVER. Sure, it was nice to see D-T'er being toss'd to the frozen ground against the Bears while his teammates literally did nothing to help him up, but that was more just for fun. And the last loss of the season, to the Lions? PURE ART. But really, we weren't sitting here judging our success this season against the Vikings. Those two wins were nice, sure, but almost every other game meant more.

But not to Vikings fans. That's not how it works. Their child-like reflexes kick in when Green Bay or Chicago has success. "OH BUT HELL LOOK AT HOW GOOD THEY ARE, I MUST JUSTIFY WHY I ROOT FOR THE VIKINGS". Jesus, man. Just watch your team, pull for them, and then watch the Super Bowl just like every other fan from all of the other 30 teams that aren't playing in it.

Again, I can't drive this home enough.... YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW. Holy christ, did you people just become fans this season? Is this your first dick-punch? They haven't played in the big one since.... that can't be right.... 1977?!?!?!?! Watching the Super Bowl and having no rooting interest should be fucking second nature by now. I just don't get it. I understand the concept of rivalries, believe me, the Bears can kiss the pink and all that. But I don't judge my rooting interest for the Packers based on anything any other team does unless it's doing it directly, to the Packers, right then. If the Bears make the Super Bowl? I'm not cheering for them, obviously. But I'm not at home rubbing my signed Keith Woodside boxing puppet (which I obtained when I saw the Packers play the Harlem Globetrotters in Eau Claire and yes that really happened) telling myself how great it is to be a fan and how I'm so fucking strong for making it through these moments.

It's at a time like this when we, the members of the fan base that has gotten kicked in the teeth with a greater regularity and a greater frequency than any other fan base in the National Football League (and there's not a close second), need to once again take inventory of what's important. And that starts with those three little words that we tend not to think about a whole lot of the time.

It's. . .just. . .football.

YOUR... SEASON... ENDED... IN... OCTOBER.

Despite what you may believe, dear fan, the Packers winning this Super Bowl didn't bring down the curtain on your season. That happened when Dick-Texter peed his pants against the Jets.

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

But then she went on to say, "Also, a cursory understanding of facts and history can, in the absence of your consent, make you inferior". Look, the Vikes are fucking star-crossed, everyone can see that. But you don't make up for that horrible history of failure and comical ineptness by "not letting it get to you" and "weathering the storm". You get over it by, you know, winning.

And damn it all, because we are Viking fans, we are inferior to nobody in the world of NFL fans.

Again, this is a perfectly reasonable attitude to have... no one can illegitimize your fan-dom for a particular team. The Vikings are run by sleazebags and A-faces, but I can't tell those fans not to cheer for that team. Fine. But the thing that stinks to high heaven about statements of this ilk are what causes them. Did the Packers winning the big one make you go into that dark section of your pea-brain that tells you cheering for the Vikings makes you a naughty boy? Did you re-evaluate and strengthen your allegiance to your team because the fucking PACKERS had success? What in the holy hell is the matter with you people? If Detroit goes .500 next year, does that make you buy an Al Noga jersey and talk about the Good Ol' Days?

Ladies and gentlemen, regardless of what you might read in any stupid poll or what anyone with a mind-boggling superiority complex might have to say to you, Minnesota Viking fans are the best damn fans in the National Football League. Nobody else is close.

Attendance figures as well as blog posts like the one being quoted here run contrary to that statement.

You know what the Steeler fans said after they lost the Super Bowl? "Great season, too bad we fell short". No, seriously. They didn't whine and scream and poop their pants with hate. They casually evaluated the season in a rational manner. AND THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING GAME. It wasn't that the Browns were playing and they were frothing at the mouth with misplaced anger.... they were actively rooting for one of the participants. I know, strange.

Here is a sampling of comments taken in the moments after the 4th down failed:

i am proud of this team
by UFrazzel on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

agreed
by tkired on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

oh well...helluva season still!
by HtownSteelerFan on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Ah well Three turnovers, what can you do
by Alba on Feb 6, 2011 10:05 PM EST

Well, great game to the end fellas, proud to be a black and gold and it was a fun ride
by screamedia on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

All well one hell of a season
by WVPiratesfan on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

Onto the draft! Great season.
by eric. on Feb 6, 2011 10:06 PM EST

They are typing that immediately after the ball falls to the ground and they lose the Super Bowl. If there was ever a time to be freaking the fuck and spitting hate about everything in sports, that is the time. But nope, it's "Onto the draft!"

Now let's check on the Vikings blog. Keep in mind that the Minnesota Vikings fans have not played a game that meant jack shit since October 24th of 2010.

ugh.
by ArizonaVikingsFan on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fuck
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Fucked we are, officially.
by AustrianViking on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

puke
by Koller007 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

That sucks!
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

FML
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM

Can't watch BSPN all week. I hate GB more than al-Qaida.
by free7694 on Feb 6, 2011 9:05 PM CST

Packers now wear bullseye in 2011
by Mel Allen on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Come on Packer fans.... Tell us how stupid and ignorant and retarded we are…. I’m ready for it.
by gerkvoltage on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

Frick.
by Seracon on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm this officially sucks
by eltwentyone on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'm now turning off the TV.
by chaosg on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

well..time for the whiskey.. Not gooing into work tomorrow..getting fucked up now..pardon my french
by PURPpplEATER on Feb 6, 2011 9:06 PM CST

I'M SORRY, COME AGAIN??? YOU ARE NOT GOING INTO WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE YOUR TEAM HAD TO START JOE WEBB FOR 3 GAMES?!?!!? Because it couldn't be that the Packers just won the Super Bowl. That would be stupid. Because... I thought you were the best fans in the world? Nobody could make you feel inferior, etc. etc.??? It's just football, and all that? No?

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Everything is cyclical and time waits on no one. The business of the NFL is to spread the cookie jar around to each and every location so that every single fan can feel special. So I recognize the logical conclusion of all this parity. And so if I sit here in 13 years and the Gold hasn't done a goddamn thing since, well, that just sucks. But I don't picture myself going into the recesses of my reptile brain and consoling myself with bullshit platitudes about how we have the "best fans in the game". And when the Purple raise that banner, I won't drink whiskey and miss work the next day.

Whenever you have to force yourself to feel better about the team you cheer for, you are already battling such an inferiority complex, that it needs no assistance from outside sources. Packer fans don't have to "come in here and tell you how stupid you are".

You're doing just fine on your own.

Steelers Fans Cluster In Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Minnesota and Illinois

Oh my god, Vikings and Bears fans, you are terrible. First, if ANYONE should know the power of Green Bay, it should be you two. The Vikings got the pants pulled down in the Dome and lost their head coach the day after. The Bears just lost 2 of 3 and haven't yet dried their tears. So one would think you two fan-bases should know, FIRST HAND, how difficult the Packers are to defeat at the sport of football.

Even Lions fans are on board.

It really just comes down to dumbness, and failure. "BAAA I'M MAD AT PACKERS BECAUSE DICK TEXTER LOST, SO GO PITTSBURGH BECAUSE HAMWICH" Listen, I don't expect full support. I know I'd be the first one proclaiming the Vikes were going to get done by Indy last year.

But at least the state of Wisconsin wouldn't be, you know, one of FOUR red states on the map.

Christ, even Hawaii sees the light.

Oh those Vikings fans

YEEEEESSSS! Let the healing begin! Can we get Randy back?


posted by katninc on Nov. 22, 10 at 11:21 AM

7 of 12 people liked this comment.

This is my favorite NFL season of all time

Look, eventually I'll break and write 30 pages on this year's Vikings team and why they are the absolute epitome of what it means to be a failure organization, but for now, I've still got some snippets to share:


AWESOME! So, let me get this straight.... offense just has to block and run slant routes. Defense needs to tackle, especially around the "waste" (oh, the Freudian slip!!!!) And just take it game by game!!!!

Now, there are many jokes to be made here, so I'll start with the easy Wayne's World one.... The Vikings are having a hard time winning A game, let alone MANY games that would put them in the playoffs.

Look at this comment:


THE LEAGUE WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT EM!!!! WE'RE SET UP AT 3-6, READY TO POUNCE!!! WE WIN ONE THIRD OF OUR GAMES ON PURPOSE!!!!

Speaking of Jersey Failures...

He doesn't play here no more...

The Gift that Keeps Giving

Saw this on CBSSports.com yesterday.  I thought that...wait a minute...you mean...

Properly summed up

HA HA HA HA

NO HE'S NOT!!!!!

This is the greatest day ever to live in Minnesota. Ever.

The Failiest Fail Who Ever Failed

A brief synopsis of Vikings fans:



You know, sometimes living in this state, surrounded by these - (exasperated sigh) - people, is actually pretty great.

Like when they trade for years of baggage and poor effort and then think that's going to get them to the Big Show.

No, ufcmma, God bless YOU. Don't you ever change.

If Gary hadn't a missed that kick........................................

Pittsburgh had 64 road losses this year!

They tied for the worst on a 162 game schedule in league history! Way to go!

I was also "close" to succeeding in the bathroom...

You don't get close to succeeding. You fail, or you succeed. Anything else is figure skating.

I'll just go ahead and whip this out

The Budget

I was just waiting for Sid to write a column explaining why it isn't Brewster's fault we suck. It only took 24 hours.

So, we don't spend on football? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY ARE PLAYING FOOTBALL IN, DIPSHIT? Oh, a new stadium. Does that count for spending, old fuck?

Q: Why did we have to spend for a new stadium on campus?
A: The previous one was off campus.

Q: Were we ever on campus?
A: Yes, for a long fucking time.

Q: Why did we go off campus?
A: Because Lou Holtz said so. Oh, and people like old fuck went along with it. It was a great idea. "Helps recruiting". Also, helps the Star Tribune has a bunch of land right by the Metrodome.

Sid Hartman has fucked up sports in Minnesota more than any other person.

Hey Mom, Look Over There!!! Yoink!

So Rumeal Robinson isn't a good person.

Not only did he borrow a large sum of money under the name of a fake business and spent the money on a condo and a Benzo, he also TRIED TO SELL HIS MOMS HOUSE WITHOUT HER KNOWING IT.  His own mother.

Wow. He sure is making Wolverine basketball proud.

Hey Ole Miss

You're in a big boy conference. Hell, I thought you had a chance at the national championship last year. Almost put a little on it. You started the season against a more or less local team. When I think of the Ohio Valley I think Jacksonville St. Who doesn't? This team plays in a division with one more "A" than you, so you should win. Here is the problem: they are champions. They won the conference last year. A champion is a champion. Try Austin Peay next year.

Let's read the comments from the newspaper. Notice the guy doing the blog quit before halftime. Nice work. Thanks for the attendance figure, you can go now.

Mississippi was only -160 for this game. Maybe I shouldn't be that hard on them.

Who's Yo Baby Daddy!?

Spike did a Top-10 Athletes With the Most Illegitimate Children.

Yeah...

Do you know any syphilitic, one-legged meth-addicted hookers who like lighting things on fire and talking about commitment? If so, the Houston Rockets alumni association may have someone willing to violate her behind a T.G.I. Fridays while Vernon Maxwell films it.

Interested? Read more here.

As a side note, the Mad Max reference got me interested in rediscovering the problems he had with the law.  On his Wikipedia page, there is a section dedicated to "Behaviorial Incidents."  I'll bring your attention to the 1997 incident.  Wow.