Andruw Jones: Still Failing

The downward trajectory that is Andruw Jones (since his glory days) is truly a site to behold.  It started in Los Angeles (read here) and continued through his tour of duty with the Rangers (hey, above the Mendoza line again) and the White Sox (helping them blow it down the stretch against the Twins.)  Finally, he went to where all-stars go to die: the Yankees, and played like his career was over in 2012.  That's that for Andruw, and we can forget about him and his name spelling, and move on with life.

Then we read this headline:

More details emerge on Andruw Jones' domestic assault arrest

Uh oh. Seems that Andruw was arrested on Christmas morning, as good people are, due to some sort of an argument with his wife. Atlanta Journal-Constitution, take it:

[His wife] pulled away and attempted to go upstairs, according to the report, but Jones grabbed her by the ankle, pulled her down and put his hands around her neck and said, "I want to kill you, I want to [expletive] kill you."

What a guy, folks.  The end of the article is even more bizare:

Although the police report notes that Jones's wife suffered "visible injuries," Jones is free on $2,400 bail.

So, in Georgia, you can threaten to kill someone...the person you threaten to kill suffers "visible injuries" from you, and you're out on $2,400.  Sounds fair.

We can only wonder if Andruw will make it to Japan to play next year, but in the meantime, let's help him get used to a new Japanese translation:

失敗 

I think I got off on the wrong floor again

Because....

Didn't Hrbie cap Laudner a few years back too?  Was Dan Plesac involved?  Please tell me Greg Brock is OK.  What about Tommy Trebelhorn?  Still rocking that mullet?

So many questions here.  I sure hope Rob Deer wasn't out in the woods with them... sorry, that was an easy one.

That seems about right

No need for a Sid headline

... when you can perfectly summarize the sports consciousness in this town with one headline:

It's a close game, A.J.

A passed ball here would hurt the White Sox.  You guys were up 5-1 at one point and now the game is tied, so you'd - uh oh...

Well done, lunkhead - another Dodger comeback victory!

In response to the Vikings stadium...

Victory!

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

Notre Dame, I hate you so much.

Football Bowl Subdivision conference commissioners, Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick and other college football officials Thursday agreed to eliminate eight-team and 16-team playoff proposals...

Oh just PISS OFF. "Hey, let's get together and decide how the post-season is run, oh and make sure we invite THE IRISH." 

I almost can't blame Notre Dame.  I mean, the NCAA has been letting them get away with this shit for a hundred years, why change?  Why join a conference when every game of yours is already on a major network?  Why risk joining the Big 10 and finishing behind Michigan?  No, it's the NCAA that takes the blame.  "Duhhhhh, we have two sets of rules:  one for every college ever, and one for the Catholic one, Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".

BYU and Notre Dame.  Just two of the worst colleges, ever.

It's simple. We have always been at war with Oceania.

Don't you stop, Vikings.  Don't you ever stop.

"We did a lot of research. I think you guys know us well enough now that we have had success with guys with character issues that have come into this organization and have been very productive, not only on the field but as citizens," Spielman said.

Oh, ok.  You have had success?

Let's just take a look back through history, then we'll decide.

Did I hit them all?

Can any of them complete a pass to Charles Woodson, though?

You're doing it wrong

Your name... is GreenBaySux?

So, rather than comment on your own professional allegiance, or your personality in any way whatsoever, you choose a handle that reflects your dislike of a superior organization?

Oh MAN.  I love this.  Red Sox, much?

From the depths of my memory

The NFL playoffs are here...and for some reason came what I thought was a drug-fueled flashback.  For some reason, before Super Bowl XL, I remember an idiotic cartoon with Harrison Ford reading Dr. Seuss.  Did that actually happen?  What that REALLY the opening of the telecast?

Yes, it was.  Whoever came up with this was clearing taking the WRONG drug.

Perfect Storm

As a Vikings fan, I will do my best to sort out my thoughts. Background:

The 2011-12 (yes, this season does extend into the new year) Vikings team is a team where the "window has closed". They/We really didn't get over the Saints loss and now the team is really old.

There is a stadium issue in that one needs to be built soon. A team with promising players would help. We would bitch and moan about it now and then talk about how great foresight the ownership/leadership had when we got back to our 9-7, 10-6 regular season standard.

BEFORE THE VIKINGS GAME AGAINST THE REDSKINS ON 12/24/2011: We had/have some good young players in Harvin, Peterson, Rudolph, and I will even throw Ponder into that mix. At best, I thought he would be as good as Kramer. At best. He is, however, a QB that isn't complete trash, so we hopefully don't have to worry about that position for ages.

As of yesterday morning, 12/24/2011, the Vikings were in the hunt for the #1 overall pick in the 2012 draft. Since we had Ponder, if we got that pick, we could have easily held that out for king's ransom and gotten bids from 3 or 4 teams. If you don't believe me, see what the Rams get for the #1 overall, if they get it. Search the internet now and see what the consensus payout is for that pick. Say what you want about the Vikings Brain Trust, I don't even think they could have fucked this one up. If we didn't get #1, we probably would have gotten some Khalil guy from USC who would have helped to make sure Ponder didn't get snapped in half from the blind side. It looks like we will now draft #3 and who knows what will happen.


AFTER THE VIKINGS GAME AGAINST THE REDSKINS ON 12/24/2011: Ponder is concussed. He is now a future drooler. Not his fault since the O-Line can't block worth shit. Peterson tore his ACL. He won't be same. Before, I had the new stadium being built at 100% easy, now, 50% at best. The rebuilding will take a solid 5-10 years and they might not even be playing here to enjoy the good years. If we had a better pick than #3 this year . . . rebuilding might be quicker.

Hopefully the Minnesota Vikings major rival isn't apathy going forward. That is a tough rival to beat, but an easy one to move away from.

Oh, then I wake up to this headline from my "favorite" sportswriter:

Sid Hartman: Vikings needed to win this game

Well, Merry God Damn Christmas everyone. This is Tebow's birthday or something.

Christ. Fuck.

Finally, a McCown is back at QB

As you may have seen, Josh McCown has been tabbed as this week's starting QB against the Packers.  And I'm sure there are lots of things to say about that such as "GRAB 20 DOLLARS OUT OF MY BILLFOLD AND PUT IT ON THE PACK, I'LL BE DOWN AFTER I BRUSH MY TEETH."

But that's not important to me.  Have you ever thought about the things you do in your life, and wonder if you could possibly look at your life from an outside perspective, exactly what would that life look like?

I'll tell you what it looks like:

I love the internet because you can't hide what you truly are when you are surfing around.  I wish there was an app that just read back every website you visited that day on your way home from work.  Like GPS in your car, but instead of reading directions, the voice just rehashes things you saw.  "Deadspin, Packers press conference, The Hot Glove, Article about how to make two pies at once, How to cure bacon, stomach stapling surgery", etc.

Well, when I logged onto Wikipedia to check out Mr. McCown's illustrious career, I came face to face with my own internet Moment of Clarity.  Look at those visited links.  First, NFL Draft 2002, I mean hey, that's ok.  I wanted to see who the Pack took... AIIIIII those were the Sherman years, weren't they?  Javon Walker... and CRAP.  Anyway, you might expect me to, at one point, at least have clicked on one of those NFL teams to get more information.  Weren't the Bears formerly called the Cardinals or whatever?  What about the Raiders changing cities and Al Davis and all that?  Nope.  Not interested.

But the Hartford Colonials?  Yep, I been there.

It's kind of a realization of life's priorities.  When you see a list of links and the only one you've clicked on is UFL team.  Really puts it in perspective.

------------------------------------------------------

PS, shouldn't even need to point out this paragraph, it's too obvious.

What would you know about it?

IF THE PACKERS LOCK UP THE NUMBER ONE SEED I WILL STILL ENJOY EATING HAM-STEAK.

HAY FANS, 'MEMBER TO WEAR YOUR MOSS JERSEY

I don't get this.

It's a splash page on Vikings.com.  It seems as though it's simply reminding fans to wear purple on Friday, today.  Which is fine... but what's the point?  Do you win something?  Is there some contest on this website where if they see you wearing your Keith Millard jersey at the Applebee's they give you a 20 dollar gift card to the Chicago Dog stand on Concourse B?

This stadium thing has really devolved into comedy.  They are running the "Show Your Horns" ads, trying so desperately to drum up interest in this utterly irrelevant team, all while pushing for support for a new stadium.  My favorite line in the campaign is "We're not fair-weather... we're cold weather."  Yeah, it's absolutely freezing in that dome.

So the team is really pushing for people to get excited... but on the field they are as boring as they have been since I've been alive.  Despite the fact that they play in a dome, they are a running team.  Their defense intercepts passes about as well as Dave Bliznewski and myself could do if given the chance.  They haven't won a division game in.... oh god.  Week 3, 2010?  That can't be right.

But show your horns, fans.  Get out there and sing that "skol" song.  Pretend that those Wade Wilson days meant something.  Wear your purple all over the town, even if everyone laughs at you.  Because with enough support from Dean from Woodbury, Ziggy might just be able to build a new stadium on a munitions dump.

Skol.

Vikes are in control, so you better hold on

This one's going to need some breaking down:

Now, I could very easily just post every single one of these videos and let it stand as the #1 indicator of a fan culture gone completely off the rails, but that would likely end in this blog being shut down due to awfulness.  So instead, let's get into the highlights here:

First of all, the opening sound effect... I understand that is supposed to be the Viking horn that sounds in Mall Of America Hubert H. Bud Grant Field every time the Vikings do something positive (which sometimes means "Jim Kleinsasser falling down after catching a pass instead of fumbling"), but it is not.  This is a cheap ringtone version of that sound.  So right off the bat, we've got production value THROUGH THE ROOF.

OH MY GOD YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

0:29 - I'm sorry, what the hell is happening here?  It sure looks like Jim Gaffigan there is wearing an EJ Henderson jersey while Monster Truxx behind him tosses a football to and fro whilst pulling a Gas Face.  Is that correct?

0:33 - "This game will not be close"  LAS VEGAS AGREES WITH YOU, BABY-HEAD.

0:35 - Nothing says "relevant" like the Randy Moss jersey.  Why'd you keep the Leo Lewis in the closet?  Bust that sucker out!

0:50 - Nice of you to get the librarian in on the action.  Good form.

0:56 - Wearing the Cris Carter jersey while crumpling up a photograph of the Packers?  Is this 1995?  Why not show someone deleting a message left on their answering machine while rocking the Wade Wilson?

1:06 - Unfinished basements ROCK

1:37 - OH MAN WE FINALLY GOT BACK TO DON MAJIKOWSKI HIGHLIGHTS

1:51 - UMMMMMMMMMM...

2:16 - Honest to god, are you showing a Herschel Walker highlight?  Am I in a bizarro universe?  If I was a fan of the purple, I would dedicate my entire life to forgetting every single thing about that man and his time on my team.  Just a lifetime of "Who? I'm sorry, I don't remember him..."  Instead, here's some of his best plays!  Rich history!  No heaters on the sidelines and Jim Marshall!

2:49 - Oh dear.

-------------------------------------------------------

All in all, I counted two jerseys in the entire video that were of current players:  EJ Henderson and a Purple Jesus cameo at the very end.  Even the Packer jersey they were using to wipe the television?  HE'S DEAD NOW, PEOPLE.  This video represents so much to me.  "DURR WASN'T IT AWESOME WHEN DUANTE AND RANDY DURR'D???"

If I saw a single person wearing an Alan Page jersey, I would shake that person's hand.  If I saw someone bust out Ahmad Rashad?  INSTANT WINNER.  But people don't seem to remember Randy Moss.  Nobody is being honest.  I was here when he was here, and people HATED him.  Everything he did was greeted in the media with open mocking.  That "straight cash homey" bit?  That was replayed and mocked endlessly.  They couldn't wait to run him out of town because he "didn't have the work ethic" and "wasted his talent".  And how many fucking jerseys do you see of him around town now?  THOUSANDS.

Vikings fans subscribe to such a screwed up version of historical thought.  "WE SUCK, FIRE EVERYONE"  (ten years later)  "REMEMBER WHEN MOSS WAS THE BEST???"  I suppose it's not their fault... they don't have any actual success to celebrate, so they latch on to what, for most every other team, would be minor achievements.  Then they attach undying praise on these achievements and treat them as part of "Vikings Lore".

It's all very sad.

--------------------------------------------------------

Oh, and there's simply no way I could go without posting this:


You're welcome.

Might want to think about reloading those brain cells

If I may borrow a line from Smoke Fire:

"You can't release him."
"I'm not REleasing him.  I'm UNLEASHING him."

Note the language, dear readers.  "honestly we are 1 to 2 players away from Elite Caliber Status".

God, if Gary hadn't a missed that kick, I tell ya...

Shades of Gray

"I feel like if we do what we're supposed to do, have less turnovers and have some fun, anything's possible."
-Gopher QB MarQueis Gray, before the Nebraska game.

Final Score:
Nebraska 41
Minnesota 14

Article written after the game:
Headline: After Nebraska, optimism is a survivor at U
Sub headline: Despite newly infected bruises courtesy of Nebraska and a 1-6 start, these Gophers, says Coach Jerry Kill, still could win a game in the Big Ten.

"Eliminate the negative plays and we should move the ball on any team."
-Gopher QB MarQueis Gray, after the Nebraska game.

Dirty Old Town

OH HELL YES.

Folks, it's back.  That feeling that was whisked away when ol' Number 4 threw to the WRONG TEAM in New Orleans.  That unbridled optimism.  That disconnection with reality.  That old wind, she blows again.

Vikes fans in the early days had their guard up all the time.  Those 4 Big Dance losses in 11 years kept them permanently expecting the worst (and delivering!).  But then came a prolonged period of sucking, to which they responded by letting the guard down a little.  It came down more and more each year, as they started building a few pieces in the 90s.  By the time they came out with that fucking "Miami" parody in 98, the guard was all the way down.  Hands at the sides, like Roy Jones, taunting.  Gary lines up for that kick and they are already raising their hands in triumph.

Then they were somehow simultaneously punched in both the mouth and crotch.

The guard stayed up for awhile thereafter.... it remained all the way through 2001 (41-0) and most of the 2000s.  Even when dick-texter came over, they still kept the guard up.  But AP had been helping them lower it a little bit at a time.  He would peel off 200 yard games and the hands would drop just a tad.  D'Ter would throw to Greg Lewis in the back of the end zone... a little more.  They would rout the overrated Cowboys and D'Ter would slap an defensive lineman's ass... almost all the way down.

Then they would go to New Orleans FULLY EXPECTING A WIN.



The punch landed so square that the fans literally did not know what to do.  Nobody had any idea how to react.  The radio man screamed like a buffoon.  The coach was on the chopping block.  The fans constantly alternated between hating him and trying to get excited for the next season.  But make no mistake about it... the guard was back up.  All the way up.

Since Tracy Porter picked D'Ter off to end any hope of actual success, it's been quite a comedy of errors for the purple.  Brett took pictures of his scroto-sack and sent it to a woman who was not his wife.  They traded for Randy Moss, then cut him.  D'Ter was toss'd to the ground head first, and not even a member of his team would help him up.  He was hit in the face on a pass, leading to an interception, which led to his replacement by Tar-Var, who somehow had the game of his life.  The coach had to sit and listen to his home stadium chanting "FIRE CHILDRESS" louder than they had cheered all season long.  More recently, everyone has stopped trying, they are being outcoached by Todd Haley and Lovie Smith, and the cornerback choked a woman and spent the weekend in jail.  Needless to say, things aren't going well.

When they traded for Donovan McFatts, I would have to say that was when the guard had reached its apex.  Nothing could hit them now.  They had a fat, baby-armed QB who had failed twice in the previous two seasons.  He literally gets tired at the end of the games and can't throw a spiral.  Everyone knew it was a stupid decision, even the homeriest of homers.

But then, someone flashed that smile...

And folks, here we are.  The guard is not down, oh no.  But it has started its cycle back towards the floor.  It starts with a "moral victory".  Next up (but not anytime soon) there will be an actual victory.  Then he might complete a last-second pass.  Then could come a winning streak.  And then, as only the NFL can do, they will run a freak streak of luck and good bounces into the playoffs, where Anything Can Happen.

By that time, the guard will be fully down again.  Nobody will remember 98, or 09, or 87, or Super Bowls 4, 8, 9 or 11.  And just as they peak over the edge of the cliff to see what might be waiting for them...

WRONG.  TEAM.

Ah, this dirty old town.  You've got to love it.

Is he open?

This isn't going to go well

Al, you sand-bagging son of a bitch, you taught Hue well...

Hey Carson, how many footballs have you thrown in the last 6 months?

"It's hard to say...  Not many....  None."

He was "retired" for the season, yet he is telling people he can get up to "game shape" quickly, and that he's been working out.  Really?

Just look at this clown show.  You've got Hue up front being all fake-bad-ass, giving snide answers to reporters and pretending that he's in charge, and you've got Carson, who literally is sitting there thinking "Oh FUCK, it's the Raiders."

The absolute highlight is when they asked Hue how it worked that he traded for Palmer even after the Bengals had refused to trade him all season.  Here is the transcript:

"Hue, up to this point, Mike Brown, it seemed like he was set, he wasn't going to trade Carson Palmer and yet, you give him a call, and now Carson is here.  How did that happen?  Did that have anything to do with your relationship with him?"

"Probably so.  I have so much respect for Mike.  Having worked there with him, been in drafts with him, coached some of his best players.  I think he has a respect for this organization and Coach Davis.  I think the respect is mutual.  He said so.  He said 'Hue, I like you.  I want to see you do well.  And I want to see Carson do well.  And I want us to do well, being the Bengals.'  At the end of the day, I think it worked out for everybody."

I WILL TAKE ONE OF MY LIMBS OFF IF THE OWNER OF THE BENGALS TOLD THE COACH OF THE RAIDERS THAT HE WANTS CARSON PALMER TO "DO WELL".

No, Hue.  That's not what happened at all.  You are a huge liar.  You are lying about what happened.  What actually happened is that the Bengals (who could fuck up a cup of Maxwell House Instant), were sitting there waiting for another team - like the Raiders (who could fuck up a glass of ice water with ice) - to give them a call and offer them WAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY too many draft picks for a player that they didn't need anyway.  Mike Brown didn't move Palmer to Oakland because he respects Al Davis.  He moved him because you idiots gave him way more than he was worth.

End.

Oh, these are getting sad now...

This can't be fun anymore...

"The purple and gold horse has not done much to become engaged in the race..."

How many more horse racing analogies are we going to see before we finally hit pay-dirt with "and it's off to the glue factory"?  Like one more game?

At this point, it might be time to can the fun little horse-race theme.  The whole thing seems much more St. Croix Meadows than anything else...

Is it possible to run out of breath while speaking?

Oh MAN, is this guy gassed. What is that around his neck? An oxygen tank? A camera? Butte College football reporter... that looks good on a resume.

So simple, it's stupid

Let me see if I follow here:

This team is close to a Super Bowl.  "Closer than some think".  As long as the QB plays like Sanchez, they get a starting Left Tackle (which are growing on trees!), a deep-threat wide receiver (like Julio Jones or AJ Green, there are so many of them out there!), a starting safety, and one (2) starting cornerbacks.  It's a snap!

The winner though is the follow-up comment:  just draft a tackle in the first round, then a WR, then get a free agent guard.  Because every draft pick ever goes on to start and play 16 games as a rookie.  Every one!

When you are putting together your list for "things we need in order to get to a Super Bowl", and your argument is "it's really not that many things we need!", then I would say by the time you mention a FIFTH position that needs a significant upgrade, it might be time to just close the text document you've been working on and take a long walk.  Because by this rationale, Miami is right on the doorstep too.  If they just upgrade QB, O-line, WR and RB, they're in there, baby!

Oh, and...

Switcheroo

OK Vikings fans, let's talk hypothetical.  I'm going to give you a choice of two quarterbacks - stats only.  Which would you pick?  (These stats are through the first 4 games of the season)

Quarterback A:
74/131 (56%), 861 Yards, 5 TDs, 7 INT's

Quarterback B:
65/111 (59%), 680 Yards, 4TDs, 2 INT's

Now, by stats alone, who would you take?

Looks like Quarterback B makes fewer mistakes.  He doesn't throw for as many yards, but doesn't throw as often.  Probably the better choice, right?

Quarterback B is Donovan McNabb's stats through the first 4 games.  Coach Frazier is taking to the airwaves, consoling the Zubaz's by sticking by his QB and saying things will turn around.  As a matter of disclosure, McNabb was QB for my team most of last year.  My experiences were my advice to Viking fans this year: he won't win OR lose a game for you.  He's just there...don't let him throw deep...and he has no mobility.  Dink and dunk and run the ball, that's what you should do.

The Vikings have a Heisman runner-up on the team that seems to get 2 carries a game.  Wise move.  Whatever strengths McNabb still has (and it's not much) Frazier (sounds like Brazier...who's up for a Dilly Bar?) ignores.  Imagine - two headed monster of Peterson and Gerhart always in the backfield...carries could go either way.  Now, if they do that, you KNOW who's getting the ball.

Enough of that - let's suppose for whatever insane reason you chose Quarterback A.  You know the keeper of those stats?  That's BRETT FAVRE and his first 4 games last year.  Team went 1-3...and wasn't any better than this year.  Think back - were people calling for the Ol Gunslinger's head?!  Were there demands for Joe Webb to supplant the texter?

No, and no...which is yet another reason why the Vikings and their fans are so entertaining.  Maybe this is a waste of time...consider "Access Vikings" recent take:

"Again, it's not a slam against McNabb to suggest it's time for Ponder to start. At this point, there just doesn't seem to be any point in going forward with a quarterback who isn't going to be here next season."


Giving up already/Why did you sign him/Having trouble with this whole "draft" thing, errrrrrr?