The fall always brings back old memories. The first walk across the Washington Avenue bridge, with downtown looming on the horizon, on my way to my first Composition 1001 course... the leaves falling as I make my way towards Wilson Library to do some research about motivation levels of University students... our roommate tearing out every fixture of our bathroom and opening a huge hole in the ceiling, giving thousands of bats free access to our bedrooms, which doesn't much matter anyway because we can't stay there long because in order to go Number 1 we have to go out in the bushes and to go Number 2 we have to drive to EZ Stop, which means we'll be spending this winter living at our mom's house while the state finishes the condemnation paperwork to get this house permanently razed.
See, it's all those memories! Also, College Football!
Player - Team
Nani - Oklahoma Sooners
Potsy - Tennessee Volunteers
Milson - Hawaii Warriors
Drugs - Auburn Tigers
Jimminy - Arkansas Razorbacks
Chief - Nebraska Cornhuskers
***************************************************
The primary scoring will be end of the season ranking. However, bonus points will be a-plenty in this league. Check the campus police blotters weekly, and we'll decide how all bonus points will be distributed as we go along.
Now, let's get started on those term papers, tutors! These guys aren't going to hold that 2.0 or better on their own!
August 29, 2007
"Stabbing Charge is Alston's Second in a Month"
Well now, here's some gold.
"Released without bail... Charged with stabbing a man at a Manhattan nightspot... second brush with the law... felony assault charges... lawyer said Alston was "absolutely innocent"... accidentally bumped into each other inside Club Stereo... Alston slashed his neck... Alston (also) charged with misdemeanor assault and public intoxication in Houston... grabbing a parking attendant's arm, shaking him and spitting on him... Alston parked illegally and didn't pay..."
Nicely done, Skip to My Lou.
"Released without bail... Charged with stabbing a man at a Manhattan nightspot... second brush with the law... felony assault charges... lawyer said Alston was "absolutely innocent"... accidentally bumped into each other inside Club Stereo... Alston slashed his neck... Alston (also) charged with misdemeanor assault and public intoxication in Houston... grabbing a parking attendant's arm, shaking him and spitting on him... Alston parked illegally and didn't pay..."
Nicely done, Skip to My Lou.
August 27, 2007
Failure College Football
Check your emails... we're attempting to do a Failure College Football season, quick and dirty. I'd love to pick the Gophers, but alas they are not ranked in the top 25.
August 22, 2007
I Guess That's Why They Call You A Failure
Stephon Marbury, on Michael Vick:
Wow. I think he just stepped in a big pile of fail.
"We don't say anything about people shooting deers and shooting other animals, you know what I mean? From what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It's just behind closed doors and I think it's tough that we build Michael Vick up and then we break him down ... I think he fell into a bad situation."
August 21, 2007
All Aboard
You come here for news about failures:
Eddie Griffin has killed himself by driving into a speeding train.
The amount of shock I feel from this is nowhere near as much as I'm probably supposed to. But there it is.
Eddie Griffin has killed himself by driving into a speeding train.
The amount of shock I feel from this is nowhere near as much as I'm probably supposed to. But there it is.
Oh, is that so, Mr. Onion?????
Hmmm...
The Onion launches a fantasy football league, but you get points if the players on your team... oh how do you say it... FAIL.
I expect they'll be hearing from our attorney.
Wait... Shit.
The Onion launches a fantasy football league, but you get points if the players on your team... oh how do you say it... FAIL.
I expect they'll be hearing from our attorney.
Wait... Shit.
August 20, 2007
I have found replacements
My team needs a West Coast flavor. I stake a claim to Olmedo Saenz LAD and Kevin Frandsen SF. I am too lazy to see if these two have been already taken.
Redraft . . . whatever
It seems as though Mr. Borchard and Mr. Langerhans will be battling the Mendoza Line in a more "relaxed" setting . . . finding replacements will take some time.
One last call up
Hey, Ray Durham, you're in!
Sorry Tony B, you just don't fail enough - no, I know you're GOOD at failing, you're just not failing OFTEN enough
Sorry Tony B, you just don't fail enough - no, I know you're GOOD at failing, you're just not failing OFTEN enough
Suspended Indefinately, busy on the wires!
To be dropped:
Mike Maroth - Injured
Jeff Weaver - Too much success on a far too successful team
Woody Williams - Not quite bad enough
To be picked up:
Jon Garland - Failing. Miserably
Boof Bonser - Have you seen him win? Me neither.
Yovani Gallardo - Late season mvp candidate?
September is going to be a good month. "Well, we're pretty excited about these September call ups," said coach Jimminy. "It's nice to see we've got some really nice failers down there in the minors and we hope it really challenges our veterans to know they could lose their jobs."
Mike Maroth - Injured
Jeff Weaver - Too much success on a far too successful team
Woody Williams - Not quite bad enough
To be picked up:
Jon Garland - Failing. Miserably
Boof Bonser - Have you seen him win? Me neither.
Yovani Gallardo - Late season mvp candidate?
September is going to be a good month. "Well, we're pretty excited about these September call ups," said coach Jimminy. "It's nice to see we've got some really nice failers down there in the minors and we hope it really challenges our veterans to know they could lose their jobs."
August 15, 2007
August 13, 2007
The Ultimate Humiliation
What is?
It's being released by Tampa Bay. Yes, the legendary Casey Fossum is alone. This puts a serious dent into Steve Howe's Bees...so replacing him I'm taking Houston Astro Matt Albers.
"...consider him nothing more than a risky NL-only Fantasy option."
I consider that a success. And speaking of, can we release players who used to fail but now have forgotten how to do so? Norris, I'm looking at you.
It's being released by Tampa Bay. Yes, the legendary Casey Fossum is alone. This puts a serious dent into Steve Howe's Bees...so replacing him I'm taking Houston Astro Matt Albers.
"...consider him nothing more than a risky NL-only Fantasy option."
I consider that a success. And speaking of, can we release players who used to fail but now have forgotten how to do so? Norris, I'm looking at you.
August 10, 2007
Anybody pick this guy up yet?
"Cardinals utility player Scott Spiezio voluntarily sought treatment for "possible problems related to substances" that the team did not specify."
This would definately be worth some bonus points, although not as many because he "voluntarily" sought treatment. He's admitting failure, but not embracing it.
This would definately be worth some bonus points, although not as many because he "voluntarily" sought treatment. He's admitting failure, but not embracing it.
August 8, 2007
Hey Meat Hook, what do you think of Barry Bonds?
More importantly, what do you think of your glasses and hair? Are they jhetto, or?
August 7, 2007
We're commin'!!
From the Rangers site:
Padilla gets washed away: On Thursday, Vicente Padilla made his fourth rehab start since being placed on the 15-day disabled list with right triceps irritation. Unfortunately for the Rangers right-hander, things didn't go as planned.
Padilla, pitching for Double-A Frisco, allowed four runs in the first inning before rain forced the game to be suspended.
Despite the rough first inning, Rangers pitching coach Mark Connor says not to read too much into the outing because of the rough weather conditions.
"It was sprinkling to start the game and the mound got a little wet," Connor said. "So he took it easy, which I'm glad he did."
Padilla will take the mound again on either Sunday or Monday. If the Rangers decide to hold him back until Monday, it's likely that Padilla will be stretched out to throw 60-65 pitches. That number won't be quite as high if he pitches one day earlier. Connor said the decision on which day Padilla pitches will be made once he's had a chance to talk with his starter.
Padilla gets washed away: On Thursday, Vicente Padilla made his fourth rehab start since being placed on the 15-day disabled list with right triceps irritation. Unfortunately for the Rangers right-hander, things didn't go as planned.
Padilla, pitching for Double-A Frisco, allowed four runs in the first inning before rain forced the game to be suspended.
Despite the rough first inning, Rangers pitching coach Mark Connor says not to read too much into the outing because of the rough weather conditions.
"It was sprinkling to start the game and the mound got a little wet," Connor said. "So he took it easy, which I'm glad he did."
Padilla will take the mound again on either Sunday or Monday. If the Rangers decide to hold him back until Monday, it's likely that Padilla will be stretched out to throw 60-65 pitches. That number won't be quite as high if he pitches one day earlier. Connor said the decision on which day Padilla pitches will be made once he's had a chance to talk with his starter.
August 6, 2007
My turn to get in on this redraft thing...
Failure All-star SS Bobby "The big E" Crosby appears to be done for the season with a broken mind - er, I mean hand. Due to the loss to the team, Suspended Indefinately has made a trade. They'll be sending one bag of rotten chips to the dumpster in exchange for SS Khalil Greene - with an 'E'.
Coach Jimminy had this to say about his teams acquisition. "It's tough to lose such a failure as The Big E, but to be able to go out and get an impact guy like Khalil is really going to make up for what we lost. You just don't see a guy strike out the way Khalil does, and that's something that will really help this team. "
On a side note, the rotten bag of chips was optioned to the dumpster's AA affiliate, Homeless Dude's Mouth
Coach Jimminy had this to say about his teams acquisition. "It's tough to lose such a failure as The Big E, but to be able to go out and get an impact guy like Khalil is really going to make up for what we lost. You just don't see a guy strike out the way Khalil does, and that's something that will really help this team. "
On a side note, the rotten bag of chips was optioned to the dumpster's AA affiliate, Homeless Dude's Mouth
August 4, 2007
Al Haig is in control
Sorry about the mix-up, Billz. I am calling up Brian Stokes from Tampa Bay. Because...I'm failing at this so far and Tampa Bay would help. Manager Joe Maddon seems to have faith in him.
"So it's just a matter of time for him to become a real quality relief pitcher. It's not about physical ability; it's about what he thinks and how he thinks in the moment."
Stokes, I don't pay you to think.
"So it's just a matter of time for him to become a real quality relief pitcher. It's not about physical ability; it's about what he thinks and how he thinks in the moment."
Stokes, I don't pay you to think.
Redraft V
Hello Graceland! As RickiE works on his hitting, I will take Jayson Werth PHI for the block, Wink Martindale.
Statistics and Standings - July
Custer, JUMP ON IT!
The month of July has passed, and the failures were innumerable. This was a VERY good month to start this league, as we had some real scumbuckets taking the stage. First of all, the standings for the month:
Suspended Indefinitely - 41
Cap'n Kanani - 36
You Dead, Dawg - 35
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 30
Billz - 24
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 8
The above scoring system is based on "Failure Points". If your team is doing good at failing, you get a lot of points! It's easy to see that there are a few teams doing really well, and one team that's really failing at failing!
Now for the individual leaders. Some of these numbers are quite stunning:
Errors: Suspended Indefinitely comes through with a shocking 24.25 errors (it's based on an average) That means each player is contributing over two errors per month. Outstanding! Yuneiskey Betancourt fades them all with an astronomical 5 errors per month! And you're the shortstop????? Maybe LeCroy could do better!
Strikeouts: Cap'n Kanani's squad whiffs an unbelievable 187 times in July. That's more than 20 for every single player on his roster. The big loser? Brandon Inge, who goes reaching an incredible THIRTY FOUR times!!!!
Batting Average: CDTBT hits an impossibly low .177 in July, easily 50 points lower than second place. What's the secret? Ryan Langerhans at .109, Rickie Weeks at .125 (take that to AAA!) and Scott Hairston (a former bag boy at Red Owl, by the sound of it) at .146. It all adds up to fail city!
Double Play Ball: Cap'n Kanani leads all squads with 17 rally-killers. Miguel Olivo bangs into 4 all on his own. Try bunting, failure!
ERA: CDTBT completely blows up, with an ERA of 10.59! Credit something named Ryu, who's ERA north of 30 helped seal the deal. Special mention goes to Billz and his 8.33, led by a Japanese man of 39 years pitching for Pittsburgh.
Home Runs: You Dead, Dawg just edges out Suspended Indefinitely with 28 hogs given up. Jose Contreras gives up 9 all by himself!
Walks: Suspended Indefinitely just keeps putting them on, at a rate of 62 in the month of July.
Losses: A lot of losers in this category, but none more than Suspended Indefinitely, who records an outstanding 16 losses, just edging You Dead, Dawg, who had 15. Jeff Weaver and Mike Maroth contribute 4 a piece! Way to go!
And then there are the teams... wow talk about some failing organizations...
Attendance: No surprises here, Tampa Bay only rakes 288,301 fans for the month... and even that was inflated by the visiting Yankees and Red Sox. They dipped below 10,000 fans twice during the month!
Home Losses: Pittsburgh loses 9 times at home. No wonder their fans walk out during games.
Runs Scored: All those games and the Brewers could only score 46 runs for their home crowd. In the words of Mel Allen, how about that?!?
-------------------------------------------
Now, this league was developed and nurtured to do one thing: reward failure. I'm tired of constantly heaping praise on athletes who exceed our expectations and excel at sport. Let's start acknowledging the worst of the best: our major league failures!
With that in mind, I'd like to introduce a new award. This will be given to spotlight one performer each month. It will be reserved for those truly special failures, guys who go out and just repeatedly fail all month. The kind of performances that would guarantee them a trip to AAA, except for mitigating factors - they have too much service time, too large of a contract, the team is too shitty, etc.
And so, I give you the first winner of the monthly Jose Contreras Award:
Jose Contreras!
The White Sox have jumped off the cliff this season, and Jose has done the shoving. Guys like Alex Shitron and Juan Uribe have helped - and don't forget Jermaine "You really should've voted for me over Morneau for MVP despite the fact I field like I eat hot wings, that is to say MESSY" Dye - but Contreras has been the solid force behind all of the failing. His numbers in July are the reason Chicago has become so pathetic that they are battling with Kansas Damn City for last place in the division.
In July, he started 5 games. He lost all 5. 0-5.
He pitched 25.2 innings. Hey, that's just over 5 innings per start! 5 innings per fail is more like it.
He gave up 48 hits and 11 walks. He only struck out 15.
His ERA was a mind-blowing 12.97.
Opponents hit .414 off him. Think about that for a moment. For a month, everyone who stepped in the box against The Next Big Cuban Thing was Ted Williams. Even if their name was Jason Tyner on other days.
And so, Jose Contreras, congratulations on winning the inaugural Jose Contreras Award. I'll be picking a winner at the end of each month, so if you see someone truly worthy of mention, drop me a line.
And finally, in closing, a picture of Casey Fossum. You can feel the fail dripping off of this face like unused shaving cream:
The month of July has passed, and the failures were innumerable. This was a VERY good month to start this league, as we had some real scumbuckets taking the stage. First of all, the standings for the month:
Suspended Indefinitely - 41
Cap'n Kanani - 36
You Dead, Dawg - 35
Conduct Detrimental to Team Baseball Team - 30
Billz - 24
Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror - 8
The above scoring system is based on "Failure Points". If your team is doing good at failing, you get a lot of points! It's easy to see that there are a few teams doing really well, and one team that's really failing at failing!
Now for the individual leaders. Some of these numbers are quite stunning:
Errors: Suspended Indefinitely comes through with a shocking 24.25 errors (it's based on an average) That means each player is contributing over two errors per month. Outstanding! Yuneiskey Betancourt fades them all with an astronomical 5 errors per month! And you're the shortstop????? Maybe LeCroy could do better!
Strikeouts: Cap'n Kanani's squad whiffs an unbelievable 187 times in July. That's more than 20 for every single player on his roster. The big loser? Brandon Inge, who goes reaching an incredible THIRTY FOUR times!!!!
Batting Average: CDTBT hits an impossibly low .177 in July, easily 50 points lower than second place. What's the secret? Ryan Langerhans at .109, Rickie Weeks at .125 (take that to AAA!) and Scott Hairston (a former bag boy at Red Owl, by the sound of it) at .146. It all adds up to fail city!
Double Play Ball: Cap'n Kanani leads all squads with 17 rally-killers. Miguel Olivo bangs into 4 all on his own. Try bunting, failure!
ERA: CDTBT completely blows up, with an ERA of 10.59! Credit something named Ryu, who's ERA north of 30 helped seal the deal. Special mention goes to Billz and his 8.33, led by a Japanese man of 39 years pitching for Pittsburgh.
Home Runs: You Dead, Dawg just edges out Suspended Indefinitely with 28 hogs given up. Jose Contreras gives up 9 all by himself!
Walks: Suspended Indefinitely just keeps putting them on, at a rate of 62 in the month of July.
Losses: A lot of losers in this category, but none more than Suspended Indefinitely, who records an outstanding 16 losses, just edging You Dead, Dawg, who had 15. Jeff Weaver and Mike Maroth contribute 4 a piece! Way to go!
And then there are the teams... wow talk about some failing organizations...
Attendance: No surprises here, Tampa Bay only rakes 288,301 fans for the month... and even that was inflated by the visiting Yankees and Red Sox. They dipped below 10,000 fans twice during the month!
Home Losses: Pittsburgh loses 9 times at home. No wonder their fans walk out during games.
Runs Scored: All those games and the Brewers could only score 46 runs for their home crowd. In the words of Mel Allen, how about that?!?
-------------------------------------------
Now, this league was developed and nurtured to do one thing: reward failure. I'm tired of constantly heaping praise on athletes who exceed our expectations and excel at sport. Let's start acknowledging the worst of the best: our major league failures!
With that in mind, I'd like to introduce a new award. This will be given to spotlight one performer each month. It will be reserved for those truly special failures, guys who go out and just repeatedly fail all month. The kind of performances that would guarantee them a trip to AAA, except for mitigating factors - they have too much service time, too large of a contract, the team is too shitty, etc.
And so, I give you the first winner of the monthly Jose Contreras Award:
Jose Contreras!
The White Sox have jumped off the cliff this season, and Jose has done the shoving. Guys like Alex Shitron and Juan Uribe have helped - and don't forget Jermaine "You really should've voted for me over Morneau for MVP despite the fact I field like I eat hot wings, that is to say MESSY" Dye - but Contreras has been the solid force behind all of the failing. His numbers in July are the reason Chicago has become so pathetic that they are battling with Kansas Damn City for last place in the division.
In July, he started 5 games. He lost all 5. 0-5.
He pitched 25.2 innings. Hey, that's just over 5 innings per start! 5 innings per fail is more like it.
He gave up 48 hits and 11 walks. He only struck out 15.
His ERA was a mind-blowing 12.97.
Opponents hit .414 off him. Think about that for a moment. For a month, everyone who stepped in the box against The Next Big Cuban Thing was Ted Williams. Even if their name was Jason Tyner on other days.
And so, Jose Contreras, congratulations on winning the inaugural Jose Contreras Award. I'll be picking a winner at the end of each month, so if you see someone truly worthy of mention, drop me a line.
And finally, in closing, a picture of Casey Fossum. You can feel the fail dripping off of this face like unused shaving cream:
August 3, 2007
Ouch!
While failing to fail in the month of July was bad, at least I got August off on the right ankle, er, foot.
As his ankle attempts to heal, I will "call up" Nate McLouth of Pittsburgh. Sportsline claims he "doesn't produce enough" but they're simply looking at it the wrong way. Here's hoping that injury will give me some points.
Elsewhere, one of my pitchers, Scott Feldman, was sent to AA ("Son, we're just going to bypass AAA at this point"). As he toils in Tulsa, I'd like to call up Masumi Kuwata, also of Pittsburgh. Sportsline also states he's "not a great option."
And Chief, I'd like my team name to be called "Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror"
Michael Bourn (sprained left ankle), [was] placed on the DL on Tuesday.
As his ankle attempts to heal, I will "call up" Nate McLouth of Pittsburgh. Sportsline claims he "doesn't produce enough" but they're simply looking at it the wrong way. Here's hoping that injury will give me some points.
Elsewhere, one of my pitchers, Scott Feldman, was sent to AA ("Son, we're just going to bypass AAA at this point"). As he toils in Tulsa, I'd like to call up Masumi Kuwata, also of Pittsburgh. Sportsline also states he's "not a great option."
And Chief, I'd like my team name to be called "Steve Howe's Pocket Mirror"
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